A friend recommended to me the book – “Living with a Transvestite: A Phenomenological Study of Wives and Committed Partners of Transvestite” by Heather Christine Freegard. It is free to download, so any of you can read it! All in all it was a book worth reading, though not a Christian book. The most important thing about this book is that crossdressers can read it and be confronted with the reality of what crossdressing means to most of their wives.
So many women have suffered immensely in their relationships with crossdressers. In most cases these women did not know their partners were crossdressers until much later after already being married for years or already being in an enmeshed long-term relationship. As the book shows, the first great pain these women experience is a loss of trust, a feeling of devastating betrayal when they find out all the secrets. But these women also have to deal with constantly having to hide their husbands’ secrets from children, family, or friends and even lie for them. These women are usually pressured by their husbands to accept and enjoy the crossdressing. These women have to face confusion in their own sexuality as their husbands coerce them into having sex while the husbands are crossdressed. Many of the women have to face the reality that their husbands find far more sexual satisfaction in the crossdressing compared to in them as real women, and in many cases the wives have to learn to live without a sex life even though married. Many of the women have to deal with emotional abuse and manipulation by their crossdressing husbands who have a tendency to be selfish and narcissistic while enslaved to their addiction. Some of these women have to deal with their husbands constantly obsessing about how they as wives dress, and how they need to dress more sexily or femininely. In most cases, the women find that they did not sign up to marry someone who tries to dress, live, and act like a woman whenever alone at home, and they are left with little choice but to divorce.
The most important sections in the book are the testimonies and quotations of the wives who partook in the study. It’s one thing to read my above paragraph about the pain these wives go through. It’s quite another thing to read about their pain in their own words, in real and specific situations. The book is heartbreaking. But it is a good reality check for active crossdressers today. For all of you reading this post who are still actively crossdressing, please oh please consider reading this book and reevaluate how you treat your wives.
That is the main point I wanted to make about this book. But I would also like to share some quotations and ideas from the book that I found interesting or helpful:
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- On page 21 the author notes that perhaps 1% of adult males are transvestites. I’m not sure what to make of this data. It seems too high to me. Perhaps if it includes every male with gender dysphoria and every male who occasionally likes to wear panties, then 1% seems likely. But for all-out crossdressers or ex-crossdressers, like most of the people reading this post, who tried to dress every moment they got, and were stuck in deep addiction, that’s got to be lower than 1%. Anyway, who knows. It’s something terribly hard to research.
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- Also on page 21 the author mentions that in marriages with a transvestite, 90% end in divorce. This is a terrible, dreadful and painful statistic. These are real people and the pain that crossdressers and their wives go through as the marriage explodes is just awful. I have walked with so many people through this, men and women, and the pain for both can be unbearable. Thankfully, there is hope. I know of a lot of marriages now where the husband has overcome his crossdressing addiction, is no longer giving in, and these marriages are healthy, happy and stable.
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- Here is a quote from page 49 that makes a lot of sense to me but it’s hard to prove – “Ackroyd (1979), suggested that transvestites are so attracted to women that they wish to become permanently or intermittently identified with them and that this stimulus stems from admiration and affection for the opposite sex.” What do you think? Is that true to your experience?
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- The book makes clear, as I have so often pointed out myself, that crossdressing is a sexual issue. Crossdressers love to claim it’s not, but there is too much evidence to the contrary. Crossdressers like to make their addiction sound less disturbing, less creepy, and more acceptable by claiming it is not sexual. I don’t know how that really makes it any better or worse, but I think that must be the reasoning behind crossdressers so often lying about this. The book makes it very clear that crossdressing is sexual because of the detrimental impact that crossdressing has on the sex lives of the couples. Many crossdressers simply aren’t interested in sex with their wives. But the most poignant example in the book to illustrate this point was when a wife shared that her husband was protesting and arguing vehemently that crossdressing wasn’t sexual for him, and at the same time she could see that he would get an erection whenever he simply talked about crossdressing with her.
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- A thought that came to me as the wives in the book shared about the fortunes their husbands would spend on clothes and shoes and makeup, was that crossdressing is similar to pornography in another way I have not yet written much about. In both cases, with crossdressing as a means to sexual pleasure and with pornography, there is a constant struggle for something new. As the porn addict is constantly searching for new pictures and videos, sometimes having 20 tabs open and loading at one time, and constantly flipping through pictures and videos at a nonsensical pace, so also the crossdresser who is after sexual pleasure constantly needs new outfits and new clothes. I know for many crossdressers that they need to change into a new outfit almost every literal minute. Always looking for a new look, a new pose, a new image in front of the mirror. Thus most crossdressers spend a reckless amount of money on clothing stashes that they can scarcely hide or afford financially. It’s sexual addiction. It’s need for constant new images, and constant new stimulation. And even for those who don’t masturbate while crossdressing, perhaps it is still an addiction, still a need for constant new things and new stimulation, because this drive to purchase hundreds of outfits seems to be universal among crossdressers. What do you think?
- Last, there were some very interesting quotations about gender stereotypes and gender differences. All of them are on pages 214-215.
“The nature of Transvestism both challenges, and demands strict adherence to, sexual and gender differences. The challenge lies in the transvestite’s desire to alternate between the masculine and feminine roles at will.”
“In the maculine role he takes on a masculine vocation and is successful, yet nurtures a capacity to slip into a feminine role. In the feminine role transvestites tend to adopt extremely feminine images (Brierley, 1969, p30).”
“That is, the Transvestite forms a combination of gender role extremes. The inability of the person to express their softer, that is traditionally feminine, aspects whilst in the masculine garb and role describes an inability on the part of the person to blur or integrate their need to express a range of emotional and behavioural traits and roles.”
“It is almost as though this identity has to be put on before permission can be granted to do supposedly feminine things – from housework to being more emotionally open. In this respect, transvestism reflects traditional gender roles whereby masculinity and femininity are entities in and of themselves, mutually exclusive and fixed (Woodhouse, 1989, p139).”
In my opinion, these statements directly support and reinforce what I’ve said about integration of personality in this post – Integration and Contentment. Crossdressers have experienced a division in their personhood and personality, in some way that we can’t fully decipher or understand, at some point during their childhood. But as should be obvious to anyone, crossdressing as an activity only reinforces the disintegration and division of the personality. The more you crossdress, the more your mind and body associate that you can only feel certain things while crossdressing. Crossdressers have extreme mood swings and extreme behavior changes, going from the masculine persona to the feminine persona. What would be healthy would be to stop crossdressing and learn how to integrate your full personality together, so that you, as you, as a man, are able to be more balanced, so that you are not either excessively aggressive and angry while not crossdressed, or ridiculously passive and gentle while crossdressed. Why can’t you learn to allow your gentle and nurturing side out while seeing yourself as a man? Why not strive to be healthy and balanced in your emotions as one person rather than try to be two different alternating personalities? Do you really have to put on a dress in order to let those real feelings out? Isn’t that a ridiculously unhealthy personality trait, to have to have certain types of clothing in order to let yourself feel certain emotions or to do certain behaviors? Why can you joyfully and happily do all the chores for the family while crossdressed, but you can’t joyfully do chores to serve your family dressed as a man?
Ex-crossdressers in this community and in our prayer group have many discussions about this phenomenon. I’ve made clear that I think much of crossdressing is simply about sexual addiction. But there is another aspect of it for most of us as well, and that is the aspect of the comfort, the personality change, the retreat we feel when we crossdress. Sometimes when temptations to crossdress come, it is not because of a sexual desire. Sometimes it is the desire to escape, to let go, to feel something we want to feel that we are having trouble feeling as a man. I find that in such times it is important to stop myself and think through the situation logically. I ask myself, “why do I feel a pull to crossdress right now? I don’t think it is a sexual urge. What is it that I want to feel?” Then I think about how to get that feeling in a healthy way, or I think about how to be content even without feeling what it is that I want to feel. Maybe I am stressed about something, and part of me thinks that by dressing I can escape that stress. Of course, dressing will only add stress, and not take any of it away. So instead, I look for other ways to reduce stress in my life, or find other healthier ways to handle the stress and work through it. For me, the most important thing is to go to God in a time of deep prayer, and pour out my burdens to him, and let him refresh me with joy, peace, and comfort. That gives me tremendous strength and contentment.
Thank you, Barnabas!
Barnabas, Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this book. I’m definitely going to give this a read myself. Reading about the pain that women endure because of our selfishness is sobering and convicting. One of the very 1st articles of your’s that I read was “Wives Answer Crossdressers’ Questions”. It was so hard to read the tremendous hurt that these women suffered and continue to suffer; it made me SO ashamed.
I was surprised to learn that it is estimated that 1% of adult males are transvestites. I was hoping the number would be higher. It would be comforting to know I’m not that unusual. It would give me some solace to know that lots of men have this problem. I wonder what percentage of transvestites want to quit? The fraction becomes quite a sliver.
I agree that Crossdressing definitely is a sexual issue. I appreciate the honesty with which you approach this subject. I will definitely have to read the book. Thanks! -Juan
Barnabas thanks for sharing this. It’s both fascinating and frightening in equal measure. It lays bear the effects of sin so clearly- at times I found it quite hard to read, and had to keep pausing to pray for the individuals who participated. The pain was palpable.
One thing I found really interesting was the study referred to on p52. It suggested that cross dressers are often the first born in a family (74% more likely I think it said) and had fathers who were distant in their early years. Thinking about myself, that would certainly be true for me. I am an eldest son, and my father was often away on business when I was a child leaving me with my mother. I am told I was quite clingy to her as a very young boy (not that I can really recall). Although I don’t remember her ever saying it directly, I have often wondered if she was quietly hoping for a daughter and found readjusting her expectations difficult. I would be interested to know if anyone else could relate to this.
I think you’re right that the sexual component is much higher than is often acknowledged. That said, I’m also sure that there are deeper questions about identity as well. Speaking for myself, I know I do find cross dressing arousing, but it puzzles me why I am drawn to trying to escape my masculinity. If our sexual identity lies at the core of our humanity, to reject our biological sex suggests a profound discomfort somewhere.
On another note, I’m really enjoying Andrew T Walkers book that you recommended a while back. He does a brilliant job of showing compassion for those of us who struggle with gender identity whilst being clear on biblical teaching and what it means to remain faithful
Norvic, thank you so much for the comment and for engaging. You must be a good reader to already be so far in the book! That’s awesome. I’m grateful to hear you are reading Walker’s book as well. I haven’t read it in a long time now, but I remember appreciating it.
I think the parenting experiences you describe may be common, but I have thought about it a lot before, and don’t think it really fits in my case. The more I study these issues, the more I think that there are a lot of different types of causes and factors, and even different types of reasons for crossdressing, and so every crossdresser is just a little bit different, but still with so many commonalities between most of us.
I definately relate to page 49 (as you describe – I have not read the book yet). As for the gender types I am passive and gentle in the male role as well. I think I joined the military as a youth to try and prove to myself, that I was a man and perhaps toughen myself up. Even after over 30 years of service I failed to toughen up!
That’s an interesting phenomenon. I know you and I are a bit different from those with severe gender dysphoria, but it’s interesting to see the parallels. It is incredibly common for those with gender dysphoria to pursue tough masculine careers, like the military, and then later come out and transition. Do you really think it’s about proving yourself? Maybe. Proving yourself to yourself or to others? Or maybe you/they think that such a career choice will help to “cure” you of the dysphoria and temperament? Or it’s a way to deflect people from realizing our secrets? Could be lots of combinations of things going on there.
Depending on how one looks at the position of being a clergy, I don’t think I chose the most masculine of careers. While many churches only allow men to be pastors, it is still a role that people think of as soft, caring, and not tough. Some pastors talk tough, but the reality of our job is mostly caring for people, being a gentle presence, leading people in prayer, teaching… For me, what I have found is a little bit almost opposite from you. I chose a gentle career, but the older I get the more I discover that I’m a lot tougher (and more athletic and competitive), than I thought I was as a kid. I don’t know how it all worked out, but I was extremely quiet and gentle as a kid, and now am a very confident, physically strong, and outspoken man, and yet I don’t feel stretched, it feels very natural. People are complicated…..
I have now read the thesis in its entirety (excluding the bibleography!) Totally absorbing material. I new that I caused pain to my first wife as she had no idea and in fact asked me specifically if I was into bondage, crossdressing or men as she was not into any of them. I was still young and inmature and thought that I would be able to control the first two and the last did not apply anyway. I am very ashamed to say that I lied only for a couple of years later to own up when we were both quite drunk and she was pushing me to say what I liked sexually. Although I knew I had caused a great deal of hurt and basically destroyed my marriage, reading the stories of these ladies gives me an insight into the true lasting hurt I caused her, especially the trust aspects.
My other wives knew shortly after we started dating, but CD still caused issues.
This thesis is an absolute MUST read for any CD or TS in a relationship with a woman.
In answer to your comments above Barnabas – I think that it was more me trying to prove to myself that I was a man, but was also a useful smokescreen. I definately thought that I would grow up enough to be able to put CD behind me if I could not do it. However, like you say it is amazing how many people in the military are crossdressers.
And yes people are complicated – I class myself as cowardly (I hate physical violence), however I also know that when I have been out armed with live ammo, if the situation arose I would 100% be able to pull the trigger.
My poor wife! I’ve just finished reading this book. The thoughts and reactions of the interviewed women are identical to my wife’s reaction to me. I wish I could live my life differently. Regardless that I have two wonderful children and two wonderful grandchildren I wish I had given my wife the option of not marrying me by telling her my secret before committing her to a life long relationship. I told her after thirteen years of marriage and recently we had another long discussion that has really rocked our marriage. I would have been better to have allowed her to start again;. We were only twenty five when we married. She used the words trapped and betrayed to me when I told her. She would have been so much better off without me. My CD behaviour was never as bad as the husband’s in the book. I never dressed at home but still the way I let her down makes me feel ashed and awful. I have ruined my life and hers and I can’t see a way back to any happiness. I hate my parents for what they did to me. The humiliation of being crossdressed and having words of great affirmation said over me! What were they thinking? Certainly I believe I know what my mother thought – mockery of men was first and foremost in her mind. She exalted in my emasculation and encouraged my pleasure. I can still see her smirking face as she lifted me up to the hall mirror and told me how pretty I looked. But what was my pathetic useless negligent father doing? What kind of a role model was he? Failure at work, dominated at home and frightened of his own wife. Pathetic
Steve, after reading your story elsewhere I can understand your hatred for your parents. Have you went through a process of forgiveness in your heart for them? You will never be fully free without forgiving even if what they did was despicable.
I know. I should be a Christian man and forgive but I find it impossible. Being with them is like forgiving someone who has bruised your arm really badly and who insists on pressing on that bruise relentlessly to cause more pain. My father has the ability to goad and irritate like no one I have ever met. To see them again would be to lay myself open and make myself vulnerable to hurt and I just can’t do it. I should forgive but I find it impossible. I don’t want to see my siblings either. My sister told my nephew recently that my mother crossdressed me as a baby and toddler. What shame I felt when he mocked me for it. I fear meeting them as I never want my daughter to find out that I was a transvestite. I have had counselling and prayed to forgive them but I still carry so much anger and pain from them. I can’t understand how holocaust survivors can forgive and others who have suffered so much can do likewise but I still have a fuming sense of annoyance, exasperation and injustice.
Don’t give up working on that. Perhaps read Tim Keller’s new book on forgiveness. Maybe that will help you. I don’t think you necessarily need to change to wanting to spend time with them. Start with the heart work of forgiveness.