It can be a good exercise to compared the path and steps required to engage in crossdressing versus the path and steps required to have sexual intimacy with your spouse. We have to be honest. In many ways, crossdressing is the cheaper and easier path to sexual pleasure. It’s a solo activity. You can do what you want, when you want, and so you are less likely to fail in achieving the sexual pleasure you want. But there are drawbacks as well which I will note in this post.
The issue of anticipation makes crossdressing more appealing sometimes. For crossdressers it can be so much easier and more pleasurable to anticipate crossdressing. We can engage in imaginative crossdressing foreplay through crossdressing fiction for as long as we want, even hours (though we might regret that time later). Whereas with making love to a spouse, it might be harder to find hours to spend together. Sex in marriage takes two people setting aside time, as well as the complication of that time needing to be the same exact time set aside. It can happen but it’s harder than the availability of crossdressing. Crossdressing fantasies can take place whenever the one person sets aside the time for it. Further, when you are giving in to your own sexual fantasies, you know you will be successful and have a pleasurable time, but with sexual intimacy with a spouse, you may have some anxiety, hoping you will be able to make your spouse feel loved and experience good sexual pleasure.
For the issue of preparation, marital sex clearly takes much less effort than crossdressing. For crossdressers to achieve the look and pleasure that they want, it might takes hours of shaving, padding, tucking, dressing, applying makeup, etc. Sex only requires a comfortable bed and possibly each spouse wearing something attractive for the other.
And the issue of sexual pleasure favors the marriage bed. The intensity of sexual pleasure for most of us is far higher with our wives than with crossdressing. Perhaps an aspect of this is that we know that sex is good and right and so we can give ourselves fully to it, while with crossdressing we feel guilty even as we enjoy it. I remember I would have to lie to myself and make rationalizations and try to shut down my conscience in order to get any enjoyment from crossdressing. The pleasure might be more intense in marital sex compared to crossdressing also because marital sex lacks control. There are two people. You touch each other. You are not in control of her body and you don’t know what she will do. But crossdressing is a solo narcissistic pleasure. You are the one who moves the woman in the mirror. There are no surprises. God intended sexual pleasure to take place between husband and wife. He did not create sex to be a lone ranger activity. That is the main problem with masturbation. Sex is about intimately loving and connecting with another living breathing spiritual human being.
Sex between married couples is wonderful and has intense pleasure, and it remains pleasurable even when it becomes routine. While many couples try to spice up their love life and reignite the romance, sex can remain pleasurable even when it’s the same routine each week each year. Crossdressing is different. Crossdressing as a sexual addiction demands escalation. It is never enough. There is always more to do, more clothes to wear, more mannerisms to copy, and more risks to take. Soon what crossdressers used to do is no longer as pleasurable, and they need to get breast-forms, or they need to go out dressed publicly to town.
Marital sex also wins out in the area of what we feel afterward. Would you rather have the pleasant afterglow of sex with your wife, or the feelings of guilt and shame after crossdressing? I’ve written about that here – Afterglow of crossdressing versus sex. And it’s not just the immediate afterglow, but also the renewed sense of intimacy and connection with your wife in the overall relationship. The good feelings last from it for weeks, whereas the bad feelings from crossdressing also last for months and even years later.
Sex is also more selfless and good for our holiness and character. A big part of sex with your spouse is that you have to give and serve, trying to please the other person. And even our own sexual energy is being directed outward to another person. With crossdressing it is about serving ourselves, and our sexual energy is not directed outward to another person, but rather inward. I would argue that the best way to have sexual pleasure is by focusing not on yourself but on the pleasure of your spouse. The same principle applies in marriage in general. Selfishness is not the secret to a happy marriage. Focusing on serving your spouse and making them happy is the best way for you to end up having a good marriage, in which you will also be happy, and they will also serve you.
Last, crossdressing leaves you with potentially hours of cleanup, possibly the need to lie to someone about what you’ve been doing, and the danger that you could get caught. In contrast, after having sex, other than possibly being sweaty, you are good to go, without fears and without tons of makeup and breast forms to try to quickly hide.
Marital sex clearly wins the competition between the two.