Physical warnings against sin are a part of my story I’d like to share about it in order to help the rest of you pay attention to your body and the warnings from the Holy Spirit.
I noticed many years ago that when I would be tempted to fail with sexual sin, and start considering it, I would get a sick feeling in my stomach. These feelings came not only when I would think about crossdressing, but even if I started doing some google searches that were borderline sketchy. Then the physical feeling would come. In fact, even just purposely allowing myself to think pleasurable crossdressing thoughts in my mind can bring on the sick feeling. It is not a feeling of real sickness, not quite nausea, but it is unpleasant. It’s also not at all the same as butterflies in my stomach. It’s hard to explain. I would feel the sick feeling in my stomach even when I was not feeling guilty about the sin I was committing in the moment. It was as if my heart was trying to tell my the rest of myself about the guilt I was feeling that maybe I was trying to bury.
It’s odd because I don’t get the feeling when I’m sinning in other ways such as greed, pride, etc. It’s only happened in past times of being tempted to sexual sin. And it’s not a feeling that comes with sex in general. So my conclusion has been that this was and is part of God’s work in my life, part of being in touch with the Holy Spirit. My conclusion is that God was either giving me these physical feelings, or at least using these physical feelings to pull me away from sin. Many times this feeling alone was enough to shake me back to reality and get me to stop doing what I was doing or what I was about to do. And often it’s instantaneous. If I was to stop typing this post right now and do a google search for crossdressing stuff or pictures of women, I know I would start feeling that physical feeling of sickness right away.
It makes sense if you think about it. Crossdressing is addictive and sinful and harmful. It makes sense that over the years, as I grew in holiness, that my body would have learned to feel repelled by something sinful and out of order, something dirty. I admit that back in my childhood years of crossdressing I did not have this feeling. But that was before my time of spiritual awakening and growth. Ever since, this feeling has been there, and it has only grown over the years as I’ve become more spiritually mature and more free from sexual sin.
– Maybe it is a physical manifestation of my soul’s hatred of sin. Romans 12:9 –
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.”
– Or maybe this is a physical manifestation of how sin actually harms our body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 –
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”
– The Bible is clear that that our body is defiled in some kind of way when we sin, though I don’t fully understand what that means. 2 Corinthians 7:1 –
Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.
While I’m describing this as a sick feeling, it has always been first and foremost a gift to me. It’s so easy for any of us to get off on a rabbit trail online and find yourself sinning in ways you did not plan on 30 minutes before. But this sick feeling has saved me many times in the past, shaking me back to reality out of the fantasies, out of the fog, and out of the sexual frenzy. The times I remember in the past where I failed to obey the warning, I was forced to endure the sick feeling for the whole time of engaging in crossdressing related behavior. It was like getting pleasure and feeling sick at the same time, which is not the most enjoyable experience. It was like forcing myself to get the pleasure I wanted while also hating what I was doing at the same time (Rom. 7:15). Thankfully those days of being in bondage to that addiction are behind me.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? Or perhaps if not a sick feeling, something else that God uses to shake you back to reality and get you to stop sinning?
Let’s pay attention to the signals God is giving us to help us in our fight against sin. Pay attention to the warnings and reminders God gives to stay away from sin. He doesn’t leave us to fight these sinful desires alone.