Written by Deborah
From my earliest memories I wanted to be a boy and despised everything to do with being a girl. I dressed in boys clothes, played with my brothers’ toys and rode my bmx with them. Nothing changed in my teens. I didn’t see anything wrong with this.
At 17 I went to college & at Easter that year I was born again. At various times from early childhood, and around the ages of 7 & 8 and early teens I was sexually abused on numerous occasions. This shut me down and I never grew emotionally, nor did I ever really know either happiness or sadness, I just was. I just lived believing the lie that my life was a good one. Although I was brought up in the Anglican church, I rejected it in my early teens due to the violence I saw at home.
At 17 I took the first opportunity to leave home which happened to be Agriculture college. I tried to start again in my own strength but failed dismally, soon being on probation for fighting. Some friends invited me to church so I went along. I liked the music so I kept going. One of my teachers became a close friend and so I continued going to church with his family. Their family was different to anything I had ever experienced & for the first time I saw people who loved each other. I began to want what they had and to be born again however when I made that decision all hell broke loose, literally. At church demons would take control of me and I would black out for the entire service, at college there would be long periods where they would take over and even though I was going through the motions I had no knowledge of what was going. During this period of about 6 weeks I tried to commit suicide on numerous occasions under their influence. I regularly was tormented and saw into hell. The church’s prayer ministry team attempted to cast the demons out however they just manifested and threw everyone off me who attempted to come near. I lost all hope of ever being free however one evening when I manifested at a college church event the local doctor came who was a Christian, he recognised my problem for what it was and prophesied it would all be cleared up over Easter ( in a weeks time). One evening my teacher said there had to be a reason why I wasn’t set free, he made a number of suggestions. That night when I went to bed I was scared of the torment and trying to stay awake but fell asleep anyway. Jesus (Yeshua) appeared to me and revealed 10 attitudes / sins that were the block between me and him. They were strongholds in my life. I wrote them down in my sleep and the following morning I saw them beside my pillow when I woke. I dropped to my knees beside my bed and gave them to Jesus. In that moment I was set free. It was Good Friday. I was born again and rejoicing. Later in the day, after church, Jesus appeared to me when I was sitting under a tree. As he came towards me I could see the love in his face and especially his eyes. He held out his hands to me and said come. From that moment I have followed him.
I soon learnt the standards and expectations of the Christian worldview and strove to be a good follower of the Lord. In my twenties I tried to conform and had a couple of boyfriends but was never really able to truly be or feel a woman. After a while I stopped working on the land and trained in a new career which involved travelling a lot. My struggle continued and at times I would travel and live more as a man than a woman. Knowing this was sin I really struggled especially as sexually I was attracted to women rather than men. Periodically I would repent & get rid of my clothes and trans gear however after a while I would fall again and buy more. At one point I was in California when I fell again. My struggle in San Francisco and as I travelled around the state was the worst I had experienced and for a while I was living as a man again. This was when one night on the internet I found this group, only God could have done that as I was certainly not looking for it. At the time I was going by the name Caleb. Barnabas encouraged me to use my female name which was possibly the hardest thing at that point. Gradually I started to get some victory and was encouraged by your prayers and as I prayed for you also. I also shared my struggle for the first time with a close friend who stood by me & regularly prayed for me as well as speaking truth to me – “God created you female” etc Psalm 139. Soon after I joined the prayer group, the Lord led me to stand in the gap in repentance (like Dan 9:3-20) for my ancestors being Freemasons and involved in occult activities. He also led me to repent of their sexual sins and demonic sexual rituals and worship. He revealed some horrific sin in these areas including generational trans sins and a boy whose manhood was terminated and who died soon after in such traumatic circumstances that his human spirit attached itself to descendants to attempt to live through them. Upon standing in the gap in repentance and renouncing all this evil, it was finally dealt with, the boy’s spirit sent to the Lord to be dealt with as with anyone who dies and the curse was lifted off me and our family line. Even though the spiritual side of the problem was now dealt with I still struggled. At this point I lost hope of ever being free however I failed to realise we are spirit, soul & body. The “body” realm had also received some healing but the soul realm – my mind, emotions and behaviour patterns had not changed.
I started a new job and the Lord blessed me with one of the strongest most godly men I have ever met as my immediate boss. He kept the workplace to high standards with high discipline. After about 9 months under him I suddenly realised I wasn’t guarding my back every minute of the day, there were moments where I didn’t know the precise location of every person there. For the first time in my life every day I was spending in a safe environment. When I realised this I struggled with it for a while but learnt that here I was safe. I would never have said there was fear in my life until it was gone. Slowly my emotions and behaviour started to change. I found I was safe to be a girl. It wasn’t perfect at work and over the years we had a few hassles with some staff members however we were able to work through them and gradually I became free. This enabled my behaviour to also change. While not becoming a girly girl, I was finally able to accept that Yeshua (Jesus) had made me female & choose to live that way. The one struggle I still had was loneliness. For those of you who know the teachings about our love languages, mine is touch, and with no-one close to me to even give an occasional hug I was still struggling. Then a friend’s dog had pups and he felt the Lord was picking one out for me. This little pup which loves a pat, quickly became my best friend and has brought endless joy to my life. I was now doing reasonably well living as a girl with just the occasional fall (once or twice a year). More recently I realised that part of my problem was also the stereotype in my mind that a girl has to sit silently and wait for a guy to notice her whereas a guy can go out and look for a girl, ask her out and initiate a relationship. Although I still struggle with this I am teaching myself its ok to start a conversation with a guy after church (not necessarily because I see a potential partner but just to have fellowship and make friends.) In the areas I live, although white society has no problems with this, culturally other groups and the church have big problems and so I have felt a total misfit for many years, unable to relate to the women but not allowed to talk to the men.. Slowly my soul realm was healed.
Finally the Lord led me to deal with one final area that was affecting my struggle to be a girl. He revealed that in addition to my recent ancestors’ involvement in the occult there was an ancient root of witchcraft & demonic worship in our family line. I stood in the gap in repentance for this and totally renounced it all. Finally I was totally free. So much changed around me. Only once before when I was born again had I experienced such freedom and joy. It was awesome. Now I was really free and rejoicing. A year on and I can testify that it is no longer an issue, I am really free. It was a long road to freedom but so totally worth the fight for it. For me it encompassed all areas of my life. Although I am no longer tempted to try and live as a man or cross-dress, I recognise Satan would love to see me fall back into my old ways so I guard myself, my heart against things that in the past were triggers and avoid wherever possible any situations that may be potentially a problem. However in this past year it is also something that doesn’t even cross my mind, I am truly free.
So the Lord dealt with the spiritual strongholds of sin in my personal life and ancestral line; he healed my soul realm (mind, will and emotions) and he healed my body realm (my physical desires). Praise the Lord, our Saviour and King the Lord Yeshua HaMaschiach, Jesus the Christ, Rejoice with me my brothers and any sisters in the group for our great King, our God has healed me and set me free. How awesome is he. May he be glorified and receive all the glory for this mighty act in his great mercy and love.
I thank you all for your prayers and encouragement and especially Barnabas for pushing me to do the initial hard things like use a female name. Know also that whenever the Lord reminds me of you, I pray for you as He leads. I truly hope that, like me, you guys also find breakthrough and become free to be who you were created to be. I hope this testimony may help some of you as well as encourage you that freedom is possible and the Lord leads and guides each one of you towards it.
Shalom and may you all receive His healing and freedom
Blessings and love