Written by JH

 

In regards to sin of any kind, many people ask the question “How far is too far?” I remember this
being a question asked growing up in regards to sex. How far can I go and still be good
spiritually? How far can I go and still be a virgin?

I think oftentimes, those of us who struggle with crossdressing desires think the same way. We
may not dress all the time, but it doesn’t mean that we aren’t fantasizing. It doesn’t mean that
we’re not online looking at sexually suggestive pictures, or going to places that we know will
stoke the fire of that desire to even greater heights.

We constantly justify that talking, fantasizing, online browsing, and window shopping, are lesser
sins, or rather not sins at all. We continue to keep the desires of crossdressing alive in our
hearts because we either really don’t want to give up crossdressing (honestly, a large part of us
doesn’t), and or we want to have our Christian life and have our sin too. I know I have
experienced both parts of these in my life, especially recently.

Over the last three years, I have tried to let my crossdressing desire and my spiritual life coexist.
“You (crossdressing desires, fantasies, sexual acts, obsessing) stay in that corner and You
(Jesus, community, healthiness, balance, The Word, Prayer, and Wholeness) stay in that
corner” I’ve said.

It’s called “Radical Acceptance” in Psychological terms. Take something that is causing you
distress (the inability to live the Christian life well, and the raging crossdressing desires that I
have been unable to overcome) and just accept them. Hold space for both of them in your life.
So I did.

I grew my hair out, all the while going to church every Sunday. I went to my community group,
all the while talking sexually with people. The radical acceptance quickly became a life of
hypocrisy. Not only was I still experiencing the distress, but more so now because I was doing it
purposely.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be
devoted to the one and despise the other” (Matthew 6:24, ESV).

I, at different times, hated both God and Crossdressing. I hated God for holding me back from
crossdressing, but loved the rush that I would get from crossdressing. In turn though, I despised
the constant obsessions, the loss of time, the frustration of never getting to experience true joy
and true peace, chains of these desires and addiction, and I longed to return to my Father’s
Presence and once again fellowship with Him (even though He had never stopped pursuing
me).

Returning to our Question: How far is too far? I have learned that is not the right question to be
asking. The real question we should be asking is: Do we view our crossdressing desires and
fantasies like a fire within a house?

Let’s just say I came home and found part of my house on fire, but it was just a very small part. I
decided, well since it’s not a large part, and it’s not really affecting the majority of my house, I
can probably leave it alone.

What do you think would happen?

Possibly the fire would go out on its own, but more than likely, the fire would spread. And as it
spreads, more and more of the house catches on fire, til eventually, it is engulfed in flames, and
then your house is left in ruin.

If the fire in your house is still not put out, it may spread to neighboring houses, houses that had
nothing to do with the fire at all, but who were in the vicinity, all because the fire was not put out.
You’ve seen in the news how one fire that is not put out properly can cause mass destruction
through forest fires. It can destroy miles and miles of land all because one small fire wasn’t
taken care of properly.

This is what I have found in my life. Crossdressing, whether it is the actual act of dressing up, or
acting out, is a fire that is insatiable. You may just think you can have a little piece of it, til one
day you wake up and realize it has satiated every part of your life. That little flame that you kept
alive has not only begun wreaking havoc in your life, but the lives of those around you. It has
captured your heart and mind, taken your money and your time, and it has made you hate the
things that you once loved. Good and wholesome things.

“Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost
you more than you want to pay” (Ravi Zacharias).

This is not to scare you, but to give you a reality check. Crossdressing will never satisfy you in
the ways you think it will, it will distort your mind and your heart, and it will leave you empty.
Jesus promises though to heal your heart and your mind, to bring you wholeness and peace,
and to give you what crossdressing makes you believe it can bring you: Life, Wholeness,
Acceptance, and Love.

So how far is too far? I hope to never know.

I pray that wherever you are, that God would make Himself known to you. You are not alone in
this battle, and the battle is worth fighting. Keep Fighting.

Blessings,
JH