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Kick Out the Monster – by Job
I used to think and feel that quitting crossdressing and pornography was impossible and I guess many of you might think this too and it is understandable. This is because we have been feeding the monster so much that it seems impossible to defeat it, but if you stop feeding it, you will realize it wasn’t as strong as you thought. I will explain more in this post.
Imagine you have two dogs, one is good and the other is evil, and these dogs are fighting constantly. Which dog is going to win the battle? The stronger one will win, and that is the one being better fed. The thing is that you can only feed these dogs one at a time. These dogs represent the spirit and the flesh. Which one do you feed the most?
Crossdressing is fueled by lust, and both are sexual immorality. They are desires of the flesh, which is represented by the evil dog. In my case, I started feeding it when I was 9 years old, which was when I started to wear women clothes. In that time it seemed more like a pet, not an evil dog. It did not seem difficult to take care of it, and it seemed harmless. At that stage, we did not think of crossdressing as a risk. We thought – “it’s okay, nothing is going to happen, it gives me pleasure and seems not to have consequences.” Therefore we continue feeding it and feeding it. In my case I fed it with pornographic images and videos, with lustful thoughts, by dressing in women clothes, masturbating, and other things. After years of feeding it this pet becomes a huge monster. Imagine the size of this monster after I fed it for 20 years! How many years are in your case? Now can you see why you feel unable to defeat it?
Maybe we did this by ignorance. Nobody warned us about this. In my case I felt so alone in these struggles, and I felt so misunderstood and confused. The Bible says in Hosea 4:6 – “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” So knowledge is power and today I want you to be aware of the existence of this monster, and also that even though it is huge at this moment and seems to be impossible for you to defeat it, there is a way. You need to stop feeding it so it gets weak enough for you to kick it and overthrow it.
Let me explain this monster in a practical way. This monster represents all of that intoxication in your mind, all of those images, thoughts, memories and desires that are there recorded in your mind. They are constantly emerging. It’s like my computer that currently has a virus and is displaying annoying advertising pop ups unexpectedly. So your mind is playing against you, tempting you all the time with these things. You see a woman and then you relate her immediately with a porn scene you watched.
Then you walk close to a women’s clothing store and your mind recreates sensations you felt when you dressed, etc. Your mind has created so many connections and everything seems to be related to crossdressing and lust. Your mind is intoxicated, it has been fed with lots of lustful memories, and this is why your mind is like a big monster which is so difficult to defeat. Maybe this gets even more scary because talking about the brain is very complex and since we don’t see it or fully understand it, we could feel trapped and hopeless. We might think there is nothing we can do. Maybe at this point you are lamenting all this damage you have done to your mind, but the good news is that this damage can be reverted.
The first thing you have to do is to repent, say sorry to the Lord, accept that you did wrong and that you don’t want this anymore. Not only is God going to listen to this, but also the demons are going to lose the rights they had against you to keep you in captivity. The grace of the Lord is enough to forgive us and justify us with the sacrifice of Jesus and He for sure is going to help us, but we need to put our trust in Him (Romans 10:9). We do not need to fear demons. The Lord always wins the battles against them. He is stronger and more intelligent and He gives us power over them. The Bible declares in Jesus we are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37). Now the question is, do you want to be free? In case you do, you have to accept God’s terms, but don’t worry, his will is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2). We might not like it at the beginning because we have become used to our sins, but let’s trust in Him. He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).
If you have taken the decision to trust in the Lord, to surrender to him and to repent for the harmful and nasty lustful sins you have committed, then I will guide you through this prayer. Say it loudly enough so that the demons will also hear that you now belong to the Lord Jesus.
“Lord Jesus I am so sorry for the damage I have done to my mind, to feed the monster of lust. Now I recognize that I was wrong. I sinned against you, against my body and against my family. Please forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it but I trust in your grace. I trust in your mercy, and I rest in you. I declare in the name of the Lord Jesus that I don’t want crossdressing in my life anymore, I don’t want porn, I don’t want lustful thoughts, I don’t want perversion. I declare in the name of Jesus that the rights they had against me are canceled. The doors I opened are closed and I accept to open the doors only to your Holy Spirit. I want you to fill me. I declare I want to be pure. I want to be holy. I want to be a healthy man, a manly man, a good husband, a good father, and a godly man. I trust in your power. I trust that you are going to restore me. I will be patient because I understand that you have your methods and your ways of doing things. In Jesus name, amen.”
Good, something is already happening in the spiritual world. The angels are celebrating that you are now in Christ, and the fight against angels and demons has already started. But in your life, there are still things you have to do. You need to stop feeding the evil monster. Remember that every image you watch, every lustful thought is going to be stored in your memory files. If you stop feeding it, then over time it is going to get undernourished and therefore weak, but you have to be aware that this is going to take time, because after all how many years have you been feeding this monster? It takes time for the mind to create new neural connections, to detoxify. In the meantime you will have to deal with lots of emerging thoughts and memories but you have to be brave and resist. Also accept the responsibility that this is the consequence of your errors and sin. God forgives us but the consequences remain, so be patient, and be strong. The more you resist and avoid feeding the monster, the faster the mind gets deintoxicated, and the faster you are going to get healed. When the evil thoughts come to your mind, don’t dwell on them, but instead take them captive to the presence of the Lord and ask Him to destroy them (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Okay, now we need to feed the good dog. We do this by reading the Scriptures, by reading books, and posts like the ones in this blog. Remember again that knowledge is power. Pray to the Lord, have times of intimacy with him, talk to him let him know how you feel, and also praise him, singing to him. This not only pleases God but also reminds you who He is and helps you to be confident. Music is such a powerful way to connect us with him. Also, get other Christian brothers in order to get influenced by them, and have an accountability partner for you to share about your successes and failures. Two are stronger than one. And think constantly about God’s Word and the values of the Lord. Remember that you become what you think about the most.
This might take some time, so be patient. It is not easy stuff but be faithful and don’t give up because everything is possible though Christ who strengthens us.