By Justin
One of my most vivid memories as a pubescent boy struggling with gender dysphoria was being alone at night laying in my bed and being so upset with that fact that I had been born a boy. I wished so hard many nights that I would wake up and my life would be different. I wished I would wake up with a girl’s body, girl hair, girl clothes, and girl friends. I wanted a girl’s life, not my own. Each morning, the disappointment of my reality would set back in and I fell into deeper and deeper depression. One day, I found crossdressing and it gave me the euphoria and confirmation I was looking for. For many years, I hid this dark secret in my life and returned to the comfort, euphoria, and sexual gratification I felt when I dressed up. In the midst of this life-changing and gripping battle I lost the conception of who my authentic self really was. Wasn’t I authentic when I dressed as a woman because that is who I truly wanted to be?
I recently listened to a podcast on authenticity by James Lindsey of New Discourses. In his podcast he defines authenticity as being who you are when you are not trying to be anyone. This definition negates my previous assumption about my true identity. My authentic self has nothing to do with who I want to be, rather, it is an intrinsic reality of which I continually contend with. Buy why? Why do I contend with my own existence, and fight who I really am with who I want to be? The answer was also explained in the podcast and made clear sense. If I can portray to the outside world an inauthentic self, a persona which is made up and essentially a more perfected version of myself, then I can spare my authentic self the real pain of rejection.
Looking back at that period of my vivid memory described earlier, I struggled mightily with rejection both from male and female peer relationships. I had difficulty sustaining male friendships because I was physically smaller, and my personality traits were slightly more perceived as feminine like being less aggressive, more artistic, and more interested in social engagement. In my attempts to engage romantic interests with girls I was frequently turned down and realized that they had the distinct advantage that they were the ones being sought after. My frustration, isolation, and rationalization of the situation I was facing created a perfect storm to get caught up in.
I now realize, although as painful as that time in my life was, I was not alone. Many boys struggle with the same things and eventually find productive outlets like academics, sports, church, etc. which actually help resolve some of those issues naturally. For me, my outlet was very unhealthy and became a downward spiral which led to a life-long battle with insecurity, sexual addiction, addiction to drugs and alcohol, among other things. My inability to surrender my authentic self actually prevented me from properly maturing.
As I enter recovery from my crossdressing addiction and journey through the process of discovering my authentic self, I have learned to objectively recognize the gifts of my personality, of my manhood, as well as my shortcomings and areas I need to grow in. In many ways, I am maturing in ways I missed out on as an adolescent becoming a young man. I have found that I am both a creative person and enjoy being intellectually stimulated. I also am somewhat extroverted and enjoy social gatherings. I am, however easily overwhelmed by negative experiences and emotions and found those particularly triggering to act out, since I normally used crossdressing to escape those situations.
Most importantly I have found that I encounter my true identity in fellowship with my Higher Power, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Bible is clear about my identity in Christ, and who I am is reflected in many statements about what a man is and specifically what a man is who has accepted Jesus into his heart. The most striking statement made about my identity is: “If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come; the old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). I am no longer bound by the mistakes, misconceptions, and errors of my past. Every day I have a new beginning and a chance to learn and grow. Since I have learned to continually surrender my identity to God and to stop trying to be someone or something I am not, I have been given a new sense of hope, peace, and joy that never had thought possible. For anyone who continues to struggle with crossdressing and/or gender dysphoria, just know that change is possible and there is hope in recovery and in Christ.
Your Brother,
Justin
Justin you quoted a comment from a podcast “he defines authenticity as being who you are when you are not trying to be anyone”.
I recognise much of your early life as it’s similar to my own, in as much as I wanted to be someone else and preferably female. Occasionally I still do but being many years older, have (and am still trying to learn) learned to cope with life, with out needing to wear women’s clothing to hide/bury my feelings.
After thinking about the quote above I realise that I would find it difficult to find my authentic self. I am a piece of plasticine, molding into what ever anyone wants me to be, or do, or what I think they, or society expect me to be, or do. if anyone asks me what I would like to do I usually reverse the question and do what they want to do. i.e where do you want to eat – my answer – I am happy to eat where you want – often annoys wife! I have no burning wish to do anything in particular. I have spent some 60 years being hidden and molded and am not sure how to find the authentic me, if indeed there now is one, or how I would recognise ME if I ever met me.
When I am having me time now, I am happiest working in a charity shop. Or am I just playing another role?
Keith, thanks for the comment. I’m glad you found some parallels in my testimony. It helps to know people are going through this together. In regards to struggle to define your identity, I wonder how much of that is due your temperament. You may just be an agreeable person and be adverse to conflict. There is not shame in that. Maybe also you are struggling with apathy and just not interested in things. I tend to get that way sometimes especially when I’m struggling spiritually. It could also indicate codependent tendency as well but obviously o don’t really know enough about you. Just speculating. The point is, I don’t think any of that actually defines who you are. Our identity is deeper than just our likes/dislikes. Our temperaments have multiple facets like creativity, extroversion, compassion, and conscientiousness. Our values and priorities in life also define our identity as well. I would encourage you to keep exploring more about yourself honestly. I hope you continue to find support from this site and our community.
This was a powerful post! I related both to the original post and the comment offered. suffice it to say, a lot of what was said here echoed or mirrored my own experiences. I never got into drugs because I knew I had an addictive personality (hello…addicted to crossdressing), but the struggles for identity, for authenticity, for being whatever anyone else wanted me to be and never knowing who I was…those were things that I struggled with and continue to work on. It frustrates my wife and if frustrates me. But as Frederick Douglass said, “without struggle, there is no progress.”
Reconnecting with my spirituality as a “Christian in progress” has been important. I deal with my own self-condemnation and self-recrimination, but I continue to work with my higher power to figure out what the better version of myself is.
One thing that has benefited me, NOT that anyone else has to do this, but there is a book I recently read: “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” It has nothing specifically to do with crossdressing, but in reading it, there was SO much that related to me as a [crossdressing] man trying to find my authentic self. It’s a book that I intend to read again and actually do the suggested exercises. I share it here because I figure that as we are all searching, we need to have as many options and resources possible so we can find the ones that work best for us individually.
All that being said, I want to encourage anyone on struggling on this journey to not give up. You’re not alone. And the things that you saw as flaws can actually be strengths. They just have to be broken down and repurposed. Be blessed…
Thanks for your kind words Justin, I think that all of us here need kindness and encouragement. Your comments on personality are also true and I agree with them. My versions of me changes with the weather! Interestingly, in my late 60’s I have just found out that I have ADHD. I dont intend to do anything about it as its a bit late in life for that, but it could explain some aspects of my life, though maybe not CD.
Thank you Que for your suggestion of the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” I shall give it a read.
Hi Barnabas ,
I can tell you this for sure , as I have struggled with my gender dysphoria , being I know it’s Sin and I let my struggles known to other trans-women with this same dysphoria online and I would say almost everyone with this transgender dysphoria Loves their Sin and tries to comfort me and support me to keep my Entangled in it , ( they know I’m one of them by what I say ), and no matter what I say to them, they will not leave it , because they LOVE IT .
I guess I will always have gender dysphoria but I’ll will alway keep resisting it .
It says resist the devil and he will flee from you , well I Hope So ?
Well , I completely understand why married crossdressers divorce, Because they cannot be a comfortable crossdresser Full Time in front of their wives .
So for every Christian here , it’s a Christian Blessing from God to Know that this is Idolatry ( the worship of idols or images ) and must be resisted .
Yes there are very few people online in blogs or forums who aren’t supportive of transgender ideology. But at least many Christian organizations have good resources on it.