By Karen
My husband told me he liked to wear women’s clothes before we were married 16 years ago. I felt honored that he trusted me enough to tell me; I was the only one he’d told. Of course, I was also full of questions and worries: was he gay? did he want a sex change? what is my role? etc… I did some online research and joined the group CDSO (CrossDresser Supportive Others), at that time the wives’ part of the Tri-Ess (Google it!) group. I learned that I was not alone – which was a big help to me! I also learned that some CDers (CrossDressers) liked to wear full makeup, wig, breast forms, etc., and go out in public. I asked my DH (Dear Husband) if he wanted to do that sort of thing and he said no, not at all. He just liked the feeling of the women’s clothing. At that point I was willing to have him dress around me and he seemed content. However, for a year or so, the dressing always ended up with sex, and we basically had no sex life apart from that involving CDing. I began to feel like an object and decided that I did not want to participate in the CDing until the time when we were able to have a fulfilling sex life together without CDing involved. DH was free to CD, but not around me.
DH went through ups and downs in his CDing. For periods of time he would dress (clothing only) when I was away. Then he’d have times where he seemed to have no interest in CDing for maybe years at a time. I was comfortable with the arrangement and DH never told me he had any problems with it. However, our sex life did not improve at all.
Over time, my DH began to resent me. He never indicated that was because I wasn’t more open to CDing, but he said I was basically, in his way of thinking, emotionally abusive to him. He felt demeaned in our relationship and as if he had no say about things in general. NEVER was this related to cross dressing. I do have a quick temper and tend to argue my way through any disagreement – and generally I don’t give up until I win. I am from a family that debated everything, and I just feel like when I am challenged about something, my job is to defend my point of view. To DH, that meant I was denying him his opinions. He was and is correct – I seem to have a need to control and I have trouble saying I am sorry. We began counseling several years ago to work on this issue, as well as DH’s tendency to keep everything inside until he explodes. I feel like I’m working hard to listen better to DH, and he says that is true. I chose the counselor we are still seeing. She was an acquaintance of mine from school days. DH was comfortable with her. After learning she is somewhat of an expert in gender issues in our area, DH and I chose to tell her about the CDing. After discussion, she assured us that DH is a straight heterosexual man who prefers to present in female clothing at times. She offered her “clothing cupboard” of items DH might like to try if he wanted to go further than only wearing women’s clothing. She was very supportive and invited DH to attend her support groups for TG (TransGendered) folks as she did not have any groups just for CDers. Soon DH was wearing full makeup, breast forms, wig, etc. He began going to counseling alone (and we continued as a couple as well), and attending a twice-monthly TG group meeting fully dressed. At first he was frightened and had the counselor meet him at his vehicle and escort him into the building, but in time he became more comfortable. I asked to see him dressed once; he looked almost passable, but I didn’t feel comfortable having the image of my husband as a woman so I asked him to communicate with me about it, but not dress around me. Our kids are gone and our house is large enough that he can dress up without me seeing him if he chooses.
About the same time he radically increased his CD behavior, DH decided he was going to change his life schedule. By this I mean that, as a midnight shift worker for many years who switched to day schedule on his days off, he decided that he would keep the midnight routine every day, whether or not it was a work day. What this meant to me was that he no longer slept with me at night. I didn’t realize until recently, after this had gone on for more than a year, during his middle-of-the- night awake times on his nights off work DH was going out in public fully dressed. After some time of doing this, he mentioned he’d gone shopping at Walmart occasionally, and so on. I was concerned about him being outed by someone he knew, especially worried about a co-worker seeing him. He would not be able to continue the work he does if it was known that he was a CDer. The biggest problem I had was that DH seemed so preoccupied. There was no time in his life for me or for our relationship. I talked often at counseling about how I felt isolated from him, how I had a strong need for us to have time together, and how I still hoped that we could improve our sex life. We tried various exercises and plans to increase our time and intimacy together, but they never lasted. When we’d have arguments, I was always to blame for “not allowing him to express his opinions,” and for “being too negative.” I just felt like he was pulling further and further away from our marriage.
DH seems to generally tell me about his increase in CD activity after the fact, which makes me feel I’ve been lied to. In time, several months ago, he told me he’d made some new friends at a local store during his night-time outings. He felt accepted by them as a man dressed as a woman. These new friends included a young gay man who loves to dress in drag, and a couple of women who work at the store. Apparently DH stopped in to visit with them every time he went out dressed at night, which was usually a couple times a week. DH had taken up sewing as a creative outlet (and mostly to make his own femme clothing) more than a year ago, and had (I learned later) made a skirt for a lady who works there. This lady also – again, as I learned later – helped him think of his femme name. I learned these things in a counseling appointment. I was shocked that he was so close to these folks. I was especially hurt that he shared with another woman something so special as choosing his feminine name. I was just beginning to realize what a major part of his life this “new” version of CDing had become.
In an attempt to get more involved with my DH’s “new” life, I told him I’d like him to start dressing around me, and I would like to go out in public with him sometimes. We began doing so and, although we were both a bit uncomfortable at first, it seemed to go well. DH was still going out on his own as well. After working a bit in counseling on our feelings about the whole situation, I decided I needed to set some boundaries that I felt comfortable with. I had problems with DH’s public outings. For one thing, he goes to local stores where people he knows (especially people from his job) could see him. I am also very uncomfortable with him “hanging out” at the nearby store with his new friends – it seems a little odd – maybe even dangerous, to hang out at a business in the middle of the night, but most of all, I am hurt and jealous of the closeness he’s developed with the one lady who works there. I feel like he cheated on me emotionally. Besides the public outings, I am generally unhappy with the focus DH has put on his CDing; it feels like it is the only thing that matters to him. He starts planning his next outing as soon as he finishes one, and seems to kind of “get through” his work nights until it is a night he can go out again. There seems to be no interest in our relationship.
So, I began thinking about setting boundaries. One thing that is important to say is that DH takes the summer off from CDing. He says it is because it is too hot to wear a wig, he wants to be able to wear shorts which means letting his leg hair grow out, and (I feel like he throws this one in to placate me) he wants me to have a break from his CDing. He did this (took a summer break from CDing) last year following his first year of going out in public, and has decided to do the same this year. So, I told DH I was thinking about what boundaries I was going to set, and that I would make some decisions when fall comes and he is ready to start CDing in public again. Meanwhile, I told him I hope that we can really focus on growing our marriage relationship, as where we are at as a couple will have an impact on what I am able to accept of his CDing. Well, just knowing that I was considering boundaries put DH in a serious depression. Finally, I decided to just state my boundaries now rather than waiting for fall. I told him I did not want him going out dressed up without me, and we could only go in more distant places where there was less chance of meeting someone we know. I told him that if he couldn’t agree to this, I would need to leave the marriage because I could not live as we had been living together. In the end, after some discussion and back-and-forth, he decided he was not willing to give up his private, local public crossdressing, and if I needed to leave that was my decision. So, for a few days we lived with the understanding that our marriage was over and we needed to begin to make plans to split up. We both knew that we dearly loved each other, and we were both sooo sad! After spending a couple of days away from DH, I emailed him asking if there wasn’t more we might try, maybe a different counselor, maybe more discussion, maybe trying to find a compromise we could both live with… Once I got home we talked; he suggested a compromise of only going out dressed together and in more distant places (as I had asked) with the addition that he could go to local “safe” groups dressed: his TG group, his church he’d recently switched to – where they make a point of welcoming TG folks, etc. I asked that it be specifically clarified as far as where he would go locally and without me if he chose to, to avoid misunderstandings. I thought we had an agreement.
At our next (most recent) counseling appointment we shared what all had happened over the previous 2 weeks. He decided he had not definitely agreed to the compromise we’d discussed; he thought we were just tossing out ideas. So, once again we are sort of in limbo. We HAVE, though, been working really hard on spending time together and improving the intimacy in our relationship. He is making it a point to sleep with me on his nights off work, and we are being very kind to each other. He agrees that he had not been open with me in the past and he plans to try to be better about that. So here we are for now…
2 years later…
I no longer see the same counselor that I was going to with my DH, although he continues there. I spent a year getting wonderful counseling from a Christian therapist, and I’ve worked hard to decide how I can spend my own life in a fulfilling way despite how my husband chooses to live his life.
After one season of going out with DH while he was crossdressed, I realized I was miserable with that arrangement…I was very uncomfortable. I agreed that, in keeping with the compromise we’d finally agreed to, he would go out publicly no more than once a week to places where he’d be unlikely to be seen by co-workers and acquaintances. He’d go without me, and I would put my trust in his honesty as far as avoiding developing close relationships with strangers while crossdressed. Last year this seemed to go fairly well; it seems like something we can each live with. However, I am not happy or even accepting of DH’s crossdressing. I basically hate it. I married a man, not a man who pretends to be a woman at times. I married a man who claimed to love me above all others, but who now is committed to his feminine self above even me – though he does seem devoted to me when not crossdressing. Always, in the background (even during his “off-season” from CD’ing) I know he is thinking about it. He is looking online at women’s clothing, receives wig catalogs in the mail, and loves to shop for jewelry. It is just a huge part of his life that I cannot agree with nor be comfortable with.
I do not feel that this is cause for divorce, though. I married him for life, in sickness and in health, and I feel strongly that God intends for me to remain a loving wife to my husband. I do believe that if he neglects his commitment to me as my husband, if his CD’ing overtakes our married life, I have Biblical grounds to leave him as he would be cheating on me with his personal (self) “other woman.” At this point, though, DH has been making a concerted effort to have regular dates with ME, and with lots of work our sex life has improved greatly. I am sad that I don’t feel strongly that I can trust him, but I’m not sure this is any different than a wife who deals with a spouse who is any other sort of addict. I see my husband as a person with an addiction, an illness, and my role is to love him as well as I can. I pray always that DH will be so strongly drawn to Jesus that he will want to live his life as God would have him. More important to me than his overcoming crossdressing, is my husband’s spiritual condition. I know he’s prayed for salvation and I saw him be baptized, but he has fallen so far away from God. I am believing that he will be called to Jesus, filled with the Holy Spirit, and will THEN – because of his desire to live for the Lord and because of God’s leading – be healed of his addiction to crossdressing. I appreciate all who read this who will join me in asking our God to draw my husband to Himself. I love and appreciate my Heavenly Father who guides me and carries me through these often difficult times, and I am excited for the future. I’ve seen signs of improvement as I’ve asked God to bless our sexual relationship, and I look forward to the day when my husband is living his life for God…oh, what a glorious time that will be!
Okay Karen.
Right there when you said your husband is making date nights and actually your sex life improved? I’ve been married for 19 years and MY HUSBAND GIVES ME NO SEX going on 13 of those years.
My husband and I did 6 months of counseling. All of it after I started an emotional affair online.
I understood his cross dressing like an addiction. I’m an addict 23 years sober. I get it. But, after arguing after counseling and never seeing eye to eye, and of course he doesn’t go out in public so that’s okay. I haven’t seen the feminine garb in about a year although there’s pantyhose everywhere. I never saw him dressed up and never want to. So yes, at least he is a sexual human being your husband.
My husband is satisfied without it. Never had a great sex life except when we made our babies. Now teenagers.
For better for worse in sickness and in health. Oh yes recited those in a double ring communion Christian ceremony.
I am currently talking to a man who is also in a sexless marriage online. I do know him too so he isn’t like an imposter.
We once in awhile give each other pleasure. I’m not proud of it. It makes me elated and miserable. I’m Christian too. But if I continue this I’m doomed to go to hell. So, yes I’m a mess. I’m not as strong as you have been, but I do know I have a friend in Jesus and somehow I feel His warmth. I might be too far gone, but I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. You did everything right and sane under those circumstances. I see a Christian counselor but she doesn’t know about me and this new friend. I’m afraid that I’ll really feel undesirable then because let’s face it. Our husbands are attracted to themselves, not us.
My husband is a wonderful man. Wonderful man.
My counselor tells me the same thing. Do FOR YOU. and you aren’t responsible for his issues. Well I am doing for me but may die of guilt. I really don’t want to go to hell and I am not sexual all the time with the “ friend “ but it’s an amazing flirtation and feelings frankly we both forgot about. He’s not using me either. I know the difference. I can prolly go months and he wouldn’t be upset. Just good friends. It’s refreshing to have someone who really is attracted to you. Humor, looks, conversation, politics, spirituality. All of it.
So Karen, I am a mess. Would love and I mean LOVE to feel 100% content with my husband. He knows and has seen everything about me. I wouldn’t want it any other way. He does for himself though and I finally started doing for me. Gym, eating right, taking care of self. But sexually? Lol. Toys and my friend.
Biblically, my husband and I are living in sin. We aren’t having sexual relations with one another. ( unless we both want time to fast and reflect like it’s quoted in the Bible) well, 13 years is a long time. Don’t you think? God Bless.
Hey it grieves me deeply to hear y’all’s stories. I am a recovering cd’er. I am so glad to be tackling this sin before I get married and decided to only be with someone who will not condone me dressing. I just wanted to let you both know that when crossdressed part of the addiction is the attention you get from men which leads to sexual acts. All cd’ers start just doing it at home maybe even for many many years but it all ends up at the same bitter end which is being fully fem’ed out performing a sexual act with another man. It’s the hardest thing to admit so most men take it to their grave. But your husband is most likely cheating if y’all have not had sex in 13 years. Infidelity is biblical grounds to leave. So hire a PI (private investigator ) have him followed get the proof he is cheating and bounce. Take a year to pray and get right with God. There are many Christian men out there that are longing for a women who loves Christ more than anything. Find a good church and Bible study groups and trust God will bring u a good dude who loves the lord and is allergic to make-up lol. Hey I’m a heroin addict I know more than anyone about tough times and shame from sin. God loves you. “Cast your cares in him and he will care for you” 1pete4:7 tell God everything and stop being unfaithful for now and get out of that marriage the right way. “No temptation has overtaken you, that such is common to man, BUT GOD IS FAITHFULL and will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear, and with that temptation will give you an escape” the Bible promises an escape from whatever is tempting you. Cry out for the escape and a life that is pleasing to him in the name of Jesus Christ.
I am a married cross dresser for more then twenty years, I told my wife while we were still dating that I wanted to take hormones & go out with men. Our sex life lasted for just the first year that we dated, I was more concerned with making myself look more feminine & going out with men, plus my penis didn’t work all that well from taking hormones. My wife had no interest in being with me because I was just about living full time as a woman & I looked like a sissy, her words not mine. She was embarrassed to be seen with me, all of our family & friends could tell that I lived as a woman, not hard to see when I wore makeup & nail polish all of the time & had ultra thin & arched eyebrows, double pierced ears & a frosted, woman’s hair style.
Joanne Watters, you described the hardship in your early marriage, but where are you at today? Did you continue to pursue crossdressing and ultimately transition, or have you come to see how it is a harmful thing that you want to give up?
Oh and I’m living in sin as it’s probably sexual immorality talking to this friend , but in the Bible it states too that your husband and yourself must agree to the “ sexual fast “ or one of you may stray from frustration. I have to find that verse.
I don’t get he told you before you got married, you back out he said I’m a crossdresser and you said ok now you say no ! You betrayed the mirage
Excuse me Thomas.. He had a fetish for panty hose.. I figured no biggie.. the other garb I found newly married.. Also, he NEVER wants to have sex.. NEVER.. even in our prime years of making kids. I believe that’s why we had sex only was to make babies so he can please GOD and move on. I am nothing to him in a sexual way.. NOTHING.. So, no, HE betrayed ME! My counselor actually got me to that thought process when I felt I wasn’t enough.. SO.. umm, read the posts.. Thank you
Anonomouswife you got fire there and stood up for your self in your reply to Thomas. Nice! Keep that fire alive (it’s your spirit, a true gift from God ) that’s your voice coming back. I understand the guilt, (please read my story in alternate comment to Karen’s guest blog). I’m divorced, healthy and closer to God than I ever was while married to and enabling my ex husbands sin by not living Gods design for me. I fully believe Gods design for you does not involve living in a sexless marriage with an emotionally abusive and selfish man. Fight for you. Pray and remember God has a design for you. Find it. Find your voice. You’ve got this!
Hey your absolutely right and just know its not you. I can tel by the way you write your a really rad chick. Thomas is most likely a cd’er who is not ready to stop and got bitter reading your post. Like I said before ask God to get u the evidence u need to catch him being physically unfaithful. Leave. Hit the gym you’ll look and feel better (I’m super insecure about my body and the way I look even though people tell me I’m very good looking. It literally goes in one ear and out the other) the gym fully helps with sexual frustration and Insecurities..Dive into church life and you’ll see there are plenty of Christian men looking for a God fearing wife. However take head many Men claim to be Christians, but are not. Thinking sex before marriage is totally ok is a sign for sure. “If you burn with desire get married” the apostle Paul once wrote in scripture. You’ll want sex ASAP if u end up leaving him but ask God to help u through that and I promise there will come a day when u can enjoy a sexual relationship without angering almighty (almighty meaning the ability to do ALL things) God. I’ll be praying for ya
You betrayed each other pure and simple. You lied to yourself and him thinking pantyhose was the end of it. And he was not honest about the level of addiction. And Mike, your wrong I am a widower who dressed regularly with my loving wife of many years before she passed, never and have no plans to be with another dude, your weak and that’s on. Anonwife, you are cheating, and take it from me that’s a worse addiction. Any Christian minister who says do for yourself is a hack and a lost soul. Do for each other, if you want to save the relationship then your turn first.
Anonymouswife, I’m sure that “doing for yourself” does not include taking care of your sexual and intimacy needs outside of your marriage. If I remember correctly, you have a history of online relationships. I wonder if that is a new form of addiction for you. I know when my counselor and I discussed getting my needs met myself, it was regarding ways to occupy my time that were pleasing to me – various volunteer jobs, coffee with neighbors, hobbies I enjoy, etc. Yes, sex is pleasing to me, but cheating in any form is not an option. I can say I also have occasionally satisfied myself, and without my husband’s knowledge I think that can be considered a betrayal. I just believe sex is meant to be only between husband and wife. That said, I wish you and your husband could gradually talk about your needs as well as his. You have a Biblical obligation to meet each other’s sexual needs, I believe. There are some good Christian websites especially related to sex and intimacy, and I can share with you an app that seemed to be really helpful for my husband and myself as we worked on re-establishing our intimacy. I’m not sure of the policies for sharing links, so I won’t list them here. But if you want to visit the Wive’s Chat I could share the links there. I continue to pray for you. I hear how very frustrated you are, and you certainly deserve peace and contentment. PLEASE take truly GOOD care of YOU!
God Bless You Karen, but I have a sex drive. My husband doesn’t. I don’t believe I am cheating. I think being christians we are all caught up in exactly what is right or what is wrong. My husband BETRAYED ME! Every time I went to make love, or get him in the mood, or put essential oils on his pillow, or be a little extra sexy with my lingerie or makeup or whatever I tried, I don’t even remember anymore, NOTHING.. He’s tired, or he passively hugs me like I’m a nusense. If you even call that a hug.. I got tired of feeling the way I did.. After I had kids I gained alot of weight so of course I blamed everything on that. So after attempts of working out and doing the church thing, and raising two children, one with special needs, and all that blame.. blaming on myself for not being good enough, smart enough, happy enough, anything enough, forget sexy, ummmm as years passed by I entered into more of a depression. I still go in and out of depression. and with the change coming, it’s making me more sexual. He does not satisfy me at all. He has hurt me beyond words, but I’m supposed to be the passive church wife and move on and learn from it by finding other things to do. Okay, went through that stage. Crafts, autism support groups and conventions, and seminars and finding everything to make this not be a reality to my boy which it is, losing my mother, stepfather in the process of all this happy go lucky marriage, finding breast molds, girdles, garter belts, crotchless pantihose, all of it, (which I must say I haven’t seen in about 6 months to a year now, and going through 6 months of marital counseling just for him to get real about counseling for himself which he didn’t even give a chance, I’m like,, you know what? I’VE HAD IT! Jesus, what are you trying to tell me here? That I am going to spend the rest of my days sexless, no intimacy, nothing. Okay, got it! So when someone else comes around, I gave myself permission. Which only turns into another empty existence. No, happiness in marriage is not the reality of my life. What is happiness anyway? I believe I’m one of those chosen because I don’t deserve it. With my past history of drug and alcohol abuse before I met him, is it any wonder? No, I live for GOD I guess because I’ve let go of the “flirtations” although they were so much fun, it’s what I deserved! only if for a little while. Question is, how do I become asexual or how about this one, how do I lose my sex drive? That’s where I’m at ladies and gentlemen. All for pleasing GOD.. yep.. there it is..
Let me make myself clear. I have been VERY FAITHFUL to my husband physically. I am NOT having an affair. Jesus, is my friend and knows what I am going through. He might’ve not condoned my online stuff, but what other recourse would I have as a healthy middle aged woman who believes in herself? I don’t make this a habit, and like I said I gave up on that. Masturbation? A whole other story. No where in the bible does that say it’s a sin. and if my husband still has a sex drive, he doesn’t reflect it on me, so GOD only knows what he’s doing. and if he doesn’t, then he feels it’s not a problem because he’s always condescending and right.
I cant see anything wrong with dressing as long as you do it in privet. We are not hurting anyone. and it relaxes me from every day male problems
William, this is what most crossdressers say, but there are good reasons to see it as harmful, even if it’s done in private. Read this and let me know what you think – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/summary-reasons-crossdressing-is-sinful-harmful/
Thank you for posting, William. As you read the posts from various wives I think you will see how crossdressing does hurt us, whether it is done in private or not. I hope you will continue reading through this site, and keep posting.
Anonymouswife, as we have counseled you before, you need to deal with these issues, especially the issue of the online friend. Don’t be like King David, who continued to try to lie and lie and murder to cover up his sins. If you want to feel free, and not a mess and not racked by guilt, you need to come clean. Come clean to Jesus, to your husband, to the counselor, to your pastor. You need help. You need help to overcome your sin, and your marriage needs help. You cannot do this alone. Your marriage also won’t heal alone. You need to give your husband a strong push to get counseling together. Demand it.
Anyway, that is my advice. I will pray for you right now Anonymouswife. We care about you. Please receive this advice in that spirit
You know what Barnabas, we are all sinners.. All of us.. Not to make it right, but this guilt and shame is too much to bear. I love Jesus so much. I am so confused. So very confused. I won’t tell my husband what to do. I am not an overbearing wife and I won’t become one just because he’s not satisfying the marriage. I did that way too many times in the past. IF he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it.
Anonymouswife, I’m sorry that I approved your comments late. I’ve been busy. I have also been praying for you since we last talked, and will continue to do so.
I know you are full of frustration and pain and you feel like you don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine the pent up sexual energy and desire that you want to quench. I’ve talked to many men about that, and I know that women can experience that too. Terribly difficult.
From what I can remember, you haven’t really dealt with this in a serious way in your marriage. Let me explain. If your husband was refusing to have sex with you because he was having an affair, would you leave it there? Or would you finally leave him were he not to stop? The same sort of thing is happening here. He is being sexually unfaithful by not being with you, ever. You are playing too nice. Demand that he gets help. Demand that things start changing. According to 1 Corinthians 7, you own his body, and he owns yours. He is disobeying God and not living up to his marriage covenant. I’m not saying rush out to divorce. But insist that he be faithful to you. It’s possible that his sex drive is really low or that he has other issues, but at the very least he can cuddle with you and hold you and let you hold him, kiss, etc. He should be doing that for you, even if it does nothing for him. His job is to serve you. That’s part of what it means to be married. You don’t only do what you want. You do what your spouse needs. Get serious about it. Make him to know that it is serious.
On the other hand, I do think it is possible to go without sex. Millions of Christians throughout history have done so, and remained faithful. I’m not saying it’s easy. But monks and nuns who remained celibate were ordinary people, with sex drives just like us. Many people in marriages in which there is disease or disability have also had to adapt. It’s terribly difficult for some people. But it is possible to endure this kind of pain and God will give you strength. Just as people are able to go through all kinds of other terrible suffering in life, with God being with them and giving them perseverance and comfort.
May the Lord give you peace and help you through this and guide you what to do.
I am so sorry, Anonymouswife, for what you live and deal with every day. I really can relate; I went through years of no sex and have felt pretty much every way you have mentioned. I found it very helpful to get (for myself, not as a couple) good Christian counseling. I am sure you’ve prayed about all of this. I just begged God to help us have a sex life, and I actually “heard” (in my head, but I believe it was God’s voice) Him tell me that WOULD happen. A site you might want to check out is Hot, Holy & Humorous by J. Parker. She has a lot of info to support wives with higher sex drives than their husbands; even a facebook page that is private for high need wives only. I really suspect that our husbands’ apparent lack of sex drive has something to do with their “addiction” to crossdressing; in many other men the problem is an addiction to porn. To me it seems like my DH is in love with his femme self. Yes, he is working hard to improve our relationship, but I think he would still choose “her” over me if I insisted he make a choice. One thing I know, though, is that my husband’s (and yours, most likely) apparent dislike of us sexually – or lack of turn on, or whatever – is NOT because something is lacking in me or in you. It is HIS problem and HIS choices that are keeping our relationships unfulfilled. Jesus loves us exactly as we are; it is our husbands’ problem, not we who are flawed. No, I don’t believe God intended for you to live the rest of your life without sex. But as Barnabas said, it IS possible to do so if that’s what happens. However, God works miracles and He can truly heal your marriage. Please focus on healing YOU and loving yourself, and depend on God to heal your husband. If you know that you are not able to continue in your marriage, I personally believe you have Biblical grounds for divorce. But that is really something between you and the Lord; God may tell you differently. I still pray for you, Anonymouswife, and may you find many small (or large!) blessings each day.
Thomas, thank you for your comment. While I understand where you are coming from, and understand why you would have that point of view, I strongly disagree. Let me explain carefully why I think Karen has done nothing to betray the marriage. From a crossdresser’s perspective, we might feel like the wife knew what she was getting into, so she shouldn’t have gotten married if she didn’t want to marry a crossdresser. But it’s not quite so simple. Try to see it from the wife’s point of view.
Look at what happened in Karen’s story. She was told about the CD, and she learned to live with it. For years. But it was her husband who betrayed the marriage by eventually replacing her with the crossdressing. Their sex life was killed through it. Further, her husband began to take crossdressing from being a private hobby (addiction), into full-blown public crossdressing.
Furthermore, if you read certain books about crossdressing and read more stories of wives/girlfriends in relation to crossdressing you will find that it is extremely common that the girlfriend or wife will first see crossdressing as either harmless, or interesting, or fun, or they are uncomfortable with it but they think they can deal with it because they love the man so much. Crossdressing is new to them, they don’t understand it, and they are quite ignorant about it, and the man tells them about it in a less than truthful way, not really explaining that he is addicted to it and that it consumes his heart. Then over time, they begin to see the truth, they begin to see that crossdressing is an idol in their husband’s lives, they begin to see that their husbands always want it combined with sex, they begin to see that their husbands are constantly escalating in their behavior and trying to live as women, and they begin to finally hate that crossdressing. Can you blame them? I don’t, not in the least. They are told it is something harmless and fun and something that’s only a part-time hobby. What they end up with is not a husband, but a man who is running away from real life, from his marriage, and from trying to be a man, and instead with someone who is more interested in playing pretend, and running around the bedroom and the streets trying to pretend he is a woman. They end up with a marriage where the man is far more concerned with his own sexual desires and gender bending thrills, than he is with trying to sexually please his wife. And in many cases, the man ends up saying after all that he is TG, and wants to live full-time as a woman, not at all what he told them in the beginning.
Thus the wife did not realize where it would all lead to, and went into the situation with a lot of ignorance and naivety, trusting her boyfriend/husband when he said it wasn’t really a big deal and is harmless, only to find out later that it is a very very very big deal to her husband and to her.
I don’t care if he has on a dress and heels, as long as I keep my eyes closed. The main thing is I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX IN THIS LIFETIME. Right from the start our sex life was dull and thought through the years it would get better. NOPE.. nothing.. celibate.. for 13 years. You can compare me to Karen all you want because she is obviously the bigger person here, but quite honestly I don’t think I am that strong. Please pray for me because I am a mess.
Thomas: Before we were married, DH told me he liked to dress in women’s clothing around the house. He said he was not at all interested in makeup, wigs, going out in public, etc. About 15 years later he suddenly was doing all of that…that is the reason I feel betrayed. I did not betray him; I have stayed faithful and we are both trying to strengthen and maintain our marriage.
I must say that Barnabas really knows his stuff! Most everything he wrote in the comment above is true from my experience. Still, DH has backed off in his frequency of CDing and we are both working very hard together to restore our marriage. And he insists he is not TG and has no desire for men…sadly, I still struggle to believe him.
All is not well at my house. But we are both making an effort to work together as much as possible, and at this point we are living with a compromise that we can both accept as we try to keep our marriage whole.
Once again if someone told me that they liked walking around the house with dresses on,etc, I would’ve been GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband was kind of vague and I figured it was nothing more than a fetish with pantihose. WRONG. Please pray for me, because I don’t know seriously where I’m headed or where he’s headed..
“Their sex life was killed through it.”
“…they begin to see that their husbands always want it combined with sex,…”
“They end up with a marriage where the man is far more concerned with his own sexual desires and gender bending thrills, than he is with trying to sexually please his wife.”
I have to comment on the above from Barnabas’s reply to Thomas. I do very much relate to how Barnabas explained the typical progression of crossdressing in a marriage, yet every person and every marriage is different. As an overview, this is a great explanation of how I (and apparently very many others) got to the place I am now.
However, I think my marriage is unique in that the two of us are working hard (believe me, very hard) to make our marriage work. I am not sure that is typical. And, as I wrote in the original article, it was not crossdressing alone that “killed our sex life.”
As I see it, crossdressing began to cause a problem with our sex life about a year into our marriage, when I began to feel like an object with the focus seemingly more on the crossdressing experience than on passion between my DH and myself. Many years later, huge changes in DH’s crossdressing practices nearly finished off our entire marriage – which of course included our sex life.
But it seems important to point out that in our marriage, as I wrote in the article, there were other issues that had the biggest negative impact on the intimacy in our marriage. During those 15 or so years when DH was not much involved in crossdressing, we were very dysfunctional in ways that apparently had nothing to do with crossdressing. I was domineering and came across to DH as a bully. The roles in our marriage were harmful. While I was pushy and dismissing toward DH, he was withdrawn and unable to express his hurts. He felt abused by me. THAT, the damaged feelings between us that went on for many years, is what truly destroyed our sex life. It destroyed his trust in me and his willingness to open up to me. There were (and still are) other factors involved, namely his upbringing and abuses he suffered as a child as well as my own upbringing and my need to be in control played a big part in destroying our intimacy. 15 years of those 2 confused and damaged people trying to grow a marriage was a long time for walls to go up. That is when CDing began to escalate. From what I’ve read, the progression of CDing in my DH’s life is common, but as it related to our sex life, CDing was not the actual cause of our problems; more like the straw that broke this camel’s back. DH may have used CDing as a crutch to help him learn to face and express his hurts, I don’t know. Maybe the progression of his CDing would have been just the same even if we’d each been stronger in of our emotional health. But for our marriage, it was my perceived abusiveness and DH’s difficulties in dealing with that, that led up to our breaking point.
Fortunately, DH finally (before he began to progress in his CDing behavior) was strong enough to express the damaged feelings that he’d hidden for so many years. When he insisted on our getting counseling was probably the turning point for improvement in our marriage. We got counseling that did help us learn to relate and communicate in a much healthier way. That was the beginning of our practice of listening and actually hearing each other, and of both of us making changes that helped begin the healing process for us.
Perhaps it was coincidence that our counselor encouraged DH in his CDing. Perhaps the escalation of CDing behavior would have happened even if we’d gone to a different counselor. Perhaps it was because of learning to express himself better that DH also chose to express himself through CDing. I do not know…it could have been a combination of many things. But the timing of the progression, coming pretty much alongside our beginning of learning new ways to relate within our marriage, threw our tentative growth for a loop. While DH was still learning to express his hurt feelings and I was learning to understand where he was coming from emotionally as well as how I needed to make changes to facilitate his growth (and therefore the growth of our marriage), was also when CDing became a problem in our relationship. For me it is almost impossible to tell what led to the near-death of our relationship and more specifically our sex life – the emotional stress/changes or the crossdressing escalation. For DH it was (understandably, I feel) my hurtful controlling and demeaning of him that was the cause of the problems.
For certain, the emotional relationship between a husband and wife is going to play a huge role in the sex relationship. When my DH began to withdraw from sex with me, he was feeling terribly hurt and abused emotionally. I believe it is not uncommon for unresolved emotional difficulties to show up as erectile dysfunction, for example, among other sexual problems. In counseling and with a lot of hard work, both DH and I began to understand that we had grown apart emotionally to protect ourselves from each other, basically. We needed to learn to communicate properly, to face our own hurts and practice trusting each other again. We are still working on that! But the HUGE benefit in our relationship is that DH and I both care enough about keeping our marriage together and growing better, that we’ve been able to work through many of those severe hurtful emotions and we continue to learn and grow together. The foundation of the marriage, issues like trust, respect, openness with self and each other, MUST be healed before any marriage relationship can be rebuilt. That is not a crossdressing issue. The timing of the escalation of the crossdressing added a big side issue that we also need to work on, but the root of the problem (besides sin in general – referring to old family history, our individual expressions of our dysfunctions, and so on) was not crossdressing. I believe that for us, CDing is a side issue that is close to a deal-breaker for me. Maybe because we’ve worked so hard to grow out of our emotional messes together, we’ve bonded enough that we have chosen to additionally work out a way that DH’s CDing can fit in our unique marriage. That sounds much more simple than it has been. We are definitely still working on our emotional growth as individuals and as a married couple. We are also trying to find a compromise in CDing behavior that we can both tolerate. The best thing is, we are both extremely committed to making our marriage work to the best of our abilities.
So, I don’t feel like CDing “killed our sex life.” Our mutual emotional problems are probably what did that. CDing added another giant stumbling block. But we are both working together toward the goal of an effective, loving, respectful marriage. We both deserve a lot of credit, if I do say so myself! I sure do love my husband, and even through the very difficult times I believe he truly loves me as well.
Bottom line, though, as I originally wrote, is that mine and my husband’s spiritual states are my very most important concerns. I pray for my husband to fall in love with Jesus, to become a strong, committed child of God. I strive to grow closer to Him myself, and to live as Jesus would. Our relationships with God are the most important part of our lives together and separately. Getting spiritually healthy is my biggest concern; crossdressing (or not) will work out how it does, but the bottom line is that being a Christian and living that out is ultimately all that matters.
Wow. You know I decided to do a search for this because I am in a long term relationship with a cd. He acts like I am a nusense so I understand what these other posters are saying. If you’re a woman and the man you love says he’s a cd get out as fast as you can. In my case I found out he’s engaging in anonymous homosexuality. All these sites say it doesn’t mean their gay … idk. My experience has been that he dresses and wants sex. If I’m around he will have it with me. If I’m not he will find it with a man anyway he can. That actually seems to be his preference and I am second. The Feeling of being second is very common in this thread. They can’t help it, you just are. It’s not a good feeling.
Kate, how are you doing? I also struggle with the feeling of being second best. I wonder if my husband has or wants sex with another man, or maybe with a woman who “appreciates” his crossdressing…he insists not, but I don’t feel he is trustworthy. I hate that.
Thomas, I should add to my comment to be fairer to crossdressers. I think probably for many of them, the true hold that crossdressing has on them, and the escalation that most of the times comes later on, is probably unexpected a bit by the crossdressers as well, not only their wives. So perhaps a few of them start out thinking that crossdressing isn’t a big deal, and shouldn’t be a big deal to their wives, but only later realize what a terrible hold it has on them.
Karen, thank you for that good comment and clarification. I am so encouraged to hear how your marriage relationship has grown closer through the trials you have gone through together, and through your commitment to work things out together. I do pray with you that both of you would grow closer to Jesus, and through that to grow closer to each other as well, and that your husband would be set absolutely free from having crossdressing as any part of his life.
Hello Everyone,
So, I tried to talk to my husband. We have this conversation maybe once every 3 to 6 months. I confronted him and as of late, my husband claims he cannot make love to my “shape” .. I didn’t eat for two days plus I’ve been having physical therapy for back pain .. I’ve made up for the eating, but the hurt has been so deep that I just bury it and continue on our happy lives. What kills me is we sit in church every Sunday and listen to things we aren’t doing to please GOD. This is again, not my problem. This is his. I cannot talk to him the right way. We are stuck. I’ve resumed talking with my online friend because we really are friends in recovery from alcoholism. I read alanon literature every morning and put my husband as the addict. He won’t get help and I am tired. Really tired. At this juncture, all I really want to do is get to heaven. If you feel I have to ditch my online friend, that so be it. I’m not doing any favors for him either, I guess. We aren’t consistently sexual at all. But I’ll fight this tooth and nail until my husband by some miracle comes forth and tells me, I want help, I need help, I love you and your body. (which is not the issue.. it’s HIS issue, I know this) but the hurt from HIS addiction is really getting worse. He doesn’t seem to care anymore and I don’t even know if we are worth saving.
Dear Anonymouswife, YOU are worth saving! Please get good counseling just for yourself. Love yourself so much that you can truly see the beautiful child that God our Father sees in you. Learn to take care of yourself, not in the sense of getting back at your husband, but in finding ways to live your life happily. It really can be done, and you ARE worth that. You have many things against you, it’s true, but you have GOD for you and thanks to what Jesus did on the cross, you have victory over this. You are loved. I care very much about you and I pray for you. Please, take the best care of yourself. Work hard to make your life great, despite the choices your husband makes. Your worth does not depend on him (your husband), it depends on Him (your Heavenly Father) – who loves you so very much!
(Admin edited foul language out)
This is honestly terrible to read. I feel so sorry for both you and your husband. Having been dealt these cards sucks, I know. But the way you deal (or rather don’t deal) with it is really showing of how screwed up christianity is. Let me tell you my belief regarding your husband. Your husband is trans. Because that sucks and is a sin and all that, he has been ignoring that feeling for years. And I’m not talking about that feeling of just wanting to crossdress. I mean that lingering feeling that this was never the right body. Christianity screwed you over, sorry. Had you not been christians ever since your parents taught you that the invisible man in the sky is omnipotent and omniscient and for some reason cares very much about how and who you * with, you and your husbands life would have probably been a little like this: A while after him discovering his feelings he’d have realised this was not him. Or rather her. She continues to transition, leads happy life as the woman she was always supposed to be. You in this scenario either would have ended up in a way happier marriage with someone else, simply because there’s no overworldly entity telling you how to “do your marriage” (and your husband would actually be interested in you) or maybe you could even be married to him or rather to her because you might’ve realised that it’s the person and not the gender you’ve fallen in love with.
Anyway… enough bashing christianity. Here’s my advice. Talk to him about what he wants. Maxbe ask him what he would do if you weren’t married. What he would like to do, were he not christian. Seriously, eating this up is dangerous. I have been doing this all my life (and I don’t even have the excuse that I thought it was wrong, because I was never much of a believer) and now I’m dealing with it. Or first, dealing with the consequences of waiting to go through puberty normally. I hate my body. It feels just entirely wrong. Not the one my mind was made for. If your husband is going through the same, end it. For both your sakes. If you cannot love her, than you should definitely get a divorce. It doesn’t do you good to be stuck in a loveless circle of the ever-same lies and compromises. You both deserve to be happy. Your ex-husband may discover who she really needs to be to be happy and you get the chance to find a partner who hasn’t had his life * up so bad from the absolute start that it proceeds to * yours up as well. (Here is the thing about you calling this an addiction. It isn’t. It’s his subconscious telling him that this is the right way to dress (hence why it feels better). Had you not been taught to immediately feel bad about your thoughts she probably would have embraced this much earlier in her life and now both of you would not have it on your plate. But you do. So stop fighting it. Why would you even want to stay in a marriage in which you know that the best you can hope for is your partner eternally suppressing his feelings (and the depression) and forcing himself to perform his marital duties without being physically interested in you when you could have someone who loves you for you and has himself figured out? Now, if you do find it in you that you would not only love your husband, but you would also love her as your wife, then maybe go for that. Just like, do something.
Dear Karen,
Thank you so much for praying for me. Barnabas will be delighted too. I have come to a rude awakening today claiming everything in the name of Jesus. I realize now that whomever has been praying, it seems to be working. Yes, my husband treated me poorly last night, but my actions haven’t helped our situation at all. We have two beautiful children, teenagers, that need to know mom and dad are okay. I wrote this letter to my husband at work today. I’ve gone through all the prayer and crying, and asking forgiveness I possibly can muster. I cannot handle this anymore.. This is what I wrote.
Hi ______,
God is so good. I need to spread love to others, but most importantly I don’t want us to lose each other. It’s all forgivable. All of it. I’m open. God is beautiful. I claim it in the name of Jesus Christ. I just keep looking at the beautiful children we have. The reason HE put us together, if just that. We are so blessed. I’ve been so selfish in my attitude. Love prevails. It always will, I just haven’t been open, but now I see.
Regardless of anything that happens in this lifetime, I want us to share love. I want us to be accepting of each other, and yes, that includes me to be open as well. I’m tired of the way we’ve been toward each other. IT may take some hard work, but I have faith that things will fall as they may. It’s a start. I hope you agree.
In HIS name,
_________ “Anonymouswife”
Please know this is only a start, but I believe our foundation has to be put in again. I believe GOD can do this. I am amazed at this awakening. All those praying for me I thank you.
Karen, now I ask you.. Where do I begin in the bible. I am reading Hebrews and starting a study on that in a couple of weeks. Besides getting on my knees and letting HIM have it ALL!
Oh, Anonymouswife!
Your post brings tears to my eyes! I like what you wrote, “I believe our foundation has to be put in again.” It kind of seemed like that for my own marriage – starting from scratch. And a bit overwhelming at times!
And you are right, the main thing is letting God have it ALL. Really, what else can we do? And He CAN DO EVERYTHING!!! I will continue to pray that you feel the peace of depending on God.
As far as where to read in the Bible…hmmm. Maybe Barnabas will have some good ideas, but I can tell you what I’ve been doing that has helped my focus and helped me to keep giving “it” to God. For the past year or two I’ve been doing a read-the-Bible-in-a-year plan online from YouVersion. I really liked the first one I did, then this year I switched to a different one that works the same way – wanted a change. I actually liked the other better so I hope I can find it (don’t remember the name!) for next year. Anyway, Scripture-wise, I think what really helped was that I did a lot of devotionals from YouVersion. I still pretty regularly do them. For a while there I was very focused on doing studies that related to getting beyond bad things, trusting in God, etc. Then I started doing some on growth as a Christian woman, having a positive attitude, etc. Most of them I do on my own privately, but sometimes I invite my pastor’s wife (who knows our situation) and one or two friends to join me in a devotional. I like having some moral support and close sharing with them, but I also want to mostly focus on getting myself (and keeping myself) right with God. I am not looking at the devotionals as things to help me deal with crossdressing, but as tools to help me draw closer to God and seek to know and do His will. Attitude! I want people to see Jesus in me.
The other thing which was a great help for me in learning to deal with the situation I’ve chosen to stay in, was finding a really good Christian counselor. I suppose any very good therapist -and some are good but just don’t click, so keep looking until you find the right one – can help you learn to take good care of yourself, and not to let what your spouse does upset your own life. I know you didn’t ask about that, but it just seems like it was very helpful for me and I’d love for you to get that kind of support.
I will keep praying for you, and hope you will pray for me as well. Remember to keep seeking to do what God is calling you to do, to keep leaning on Him and not living discouraged by what might be around you. No matter what (or even if) your husband replies to your letter, you keep taking good care of YOU!
I am giving all the praise to Jesus for the healing you are going through and for the healing ahead in both of our marriages. I know God can do it – however He chooses to.
Anonymouswife, I’m happy to read your post. I still suggest the same thing that both of you need counseling. Don’t try to do this alone. Your husband needs counseling for his CD issues, you need counseling for the pain caused to you by the CD issues as well as counseling for the confusing relationship you’ve been in online with another man, and you both need marriage counseling together. Please see a pastor or a counselor. You’ve both been hiding things from each other, and both been hiding things from others in your life and your church. I’m not saying everyone needs to know everything, but you need to be honest about the fact that you both need some help. There is freedom in bringing things to the light in front of other people so that they can walk alongside you and encourage you and pray for you. May the Lord be with you both and bring healing in all areas of your life
Hi Karen. Thank you for being so open and honest about your struggles with being married to a crossdressing husband.
This part of your post really helped me to stick by my husband:
“ I do not feel that this is cause for divorce, though. I married him for life, in sickness and in health, and I feel strongly that God intends for me to remain a loving wife to my husband. I do believe that if he neglects his commitment to me as my husband, if his CD’ing overtakes our married life, I have Biblical grounds to leave him as he would be cheating on me with his personal (self) “other woman.” At this point, though, DH has been making a concerted effort to have regular dates with ME, and with lots of work our sex life has improved greatly. I am sad that I don’t feel strongly that I can trust him, but I’m not sure this is any different than a wife who deals with a spouse who is any other sort of addict. I see my husband as a person with an addiction, an illness, and my role is to love him as well as I can. I pray always that DH will be so strongly drawn to Jesus that he will want to live his life as God would have him. More important to me than his overcoming crossdressing, is my husband’s spiritual condition. I know he’s prayed for salvation and I saw him be baptized, but he has fallen so far away from God. I am believing that he will be called to Jesus, filled with the Holy Spirit, and will THEN – because of his desire to live for the Lord and because of God’s leading – be healed of his addiction to crossdressing. ”
Your testimony reminds me that I may be one of the very few people in my husband’s life who keeps him near our Lord Jesus. Without me, he might just wander away from God like a lost sheep. Perhaps God wants me to persevere in my marriage and to help steer my husband away from going down the track of idolising his female self.
Wifegrinandbearit, it has been a while since I wrote this article, and I guess recently I’ve been a bit more discouraged. So thank you for reminding me (maybe we need to keep reminding each other), that my job is to be Jesus to my husband.
Reading this makes me truly sad. The fact that you are choosing a religion over your own husband makes me want to cry. I think you should take an honest look at Christianity before letting it ruin your marriage to a beautiful person, who has a beautiful way of expressing himself. He does NOT have an addiction, he likes wearing women’s clothing! This is a person who is right in front of you, he is real, much unlike your facetious god. I dont understand how somebody who is probably otherwise a good person could ever turn your back on your husband because he’s different. The fact that you label this as an addiction too, you should be ashamed of yourself! Why dont you get over yourself, and be there for the person you married? Is wearing women’s clothing so bad? It makes him feel good! If your god does exist then news flash, he made him that way! Just when I start regaining my faith in humanity I see some disgusting nonsense like this. Do your husband and yourself a favor, and get over it. Seriously, oh you need to pray for him huh? No you need to be there and support him. If that means you go out with him once a week while he wears clothes that make him feel good then so be it. You really need to take a long look in the mirror, and figure out if maybe your being ridicules. Cuz guess what lady from where I’m sitting you seem like a terrible person for making him go through this alone. I hope you realize how truly messed up this all is, and start supporting the person you love.
Dana, your comment is a bit inflammatory. I warn you to stay civil rather than insulting people if you want to continue commenting on this website.
I understand your concerns. But you are making an awful lot of assumptions without backing up your claims. I encourage you to think about a few things:
1. Why are you so certain that it is not an addiction? I have written extensively, as well as many other guest authors on this site, about how crossdressing is addictive. And if you go on to websites which are pro-crossdressing, you will find the same in their discussions and forums. They speak about being unable to give it up even when they want to, and discuss how much it sucks their time away. What makes you want to argue that it is not an addiction? Do you have any specific arguments, even from experience, that you can share?
2. Are you equally attracted to both men and women? If not, why assume that other women would be? Do you believe people can choose their attractions? So people choose whether to be same-sex attracted or opposite-sex attracted? I assume you would say no. So why would you criticize a lady for marrying a husband, since she is attracted to men, who doesn’t want to now be married to a woman? (though not a real woman, but in appearance a woman).
3. Why are you so sure that God doesn’t exist? Do you have any basis to make that argument? People have believed in God’s existence in every culture in every year throughout history. If you want to claim that you know he doesn’t exist, and everyone else is foolish and wrong in their beliefs that he does exist, then at least you can make some sort of argument to explain how you personally know that he doesn’t exist.
4. You say she needs to support him. You assume that means encouraging him in his crossdressing. what makes you so sure that is the best way to support him? If your daughter came to you and said she is fat (though she is not), is the best way to support her to say, “yes my daughter, you are fat, it’s okay and healthy for your bones to be showing through your skin and for you to be fainting from hunger.” If your husband says he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, but is waking up every morning from a hangover, and he just wants your support, are you going to give it to him by encouraging him to keep drinking?
5. Are you married? If your husband one day told you he is a dragon, or a dog, or some other animal, and he needs you to support him in that identity, would you apply all these same statements you made to yourself? If not, why not? There are plenty of people with these identities, see my links page. If your husband one day told you he is polyamorous, and wanted to invite other lovers into your marriage, would you be okay with it? Why not apply the same arguments you made to that?
6. Last, how dare you criticize this lady for turning her back on her husband, when in fact, she has remained faithful and loving to this husband, and remained with him, despite his betrayal and addiction.
Please continue to talk and dialogue. But respond only if you want to have real discussion and dialogue, not to come here and insult people for things you don’t fully understand.
Well said Barnabas! Also, anyone slse suspect “Dana” to be a scorned cd?
The fact is when you are in a relationship with a cd you will never be first. Look at all these posts and posts on other threads that all say the same thing. For all you know the man stays married to you to keep a facade. You will never know his true intentions or what he really wants. It like living a lie. It’s better to put your religion first. You won’t be able to change him, it’s the way he is. Seems like a waste of life. You will never really know what he is doing on his outings when he becomes a different person. Different than who he is intended to be.
Kate, I pretty much agree with what you’ve said. I think the main reason I choose to stay with my husband and try to make the best possible of our marriage is because there are many things I love about him. I want that relationship with him, although I am sad about what is missing from the relationship. No marriage is perfect though…I guess mine is just a different “imperfection” from many others. So in addition to my belief that God wants me to stay and work on my marriage, I just want (most of the time) to stay in the marriage because there are many good things about it.
And in a bit of a response to Dana – though I generally refrain from commenting on posts that I feel are attacking me or trying to provoke me – I guess if my husband feels I am not the wife he wants, he is free to end the relationship. But I am quite sure he is as happy as he can be with our “imperfect” marriage and chooses to stay, as he also loves me and enjoys most of our life together. I am sorry that you, Dana, have such negative ideas about God; I’ll pray for you. 🙂 Really. Whether you think it is a waste of time or not.
I just finalized my divorce with my cross dressing husband, and it’s been a horrible but healthy journey for me. I’m in a better place, closer to God and think so much clearer. Years of counseling with the most amazing Christian therapist saved me from “disappearing.” First, your story is sadly familiar to my own. It seems, from what you shared your first therapist was grossly inappropriate and unethical and should have their license revoked. Your husband repeatedly violated your boundaries and refused to validate your feelings. This isn’t just about the xdressing, this is about his emotional abuse. I highly suspect him to be of the narsasitic personality disorder, psychopathy and sadism spectrum. Please read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. (Covering all forms of emotional abuse). Much love to you. Please fight for yourself. God is with you.
I’ve gone through the same. I stumbled over some female clothes before marriage but he said it’s nothing and next day it was gone. I trusted he would tell me, he didn’t. Our sex life- horrible. We have a baby. No sex since. He actually started beating me for arguing with him/talking back/ not respecting him. Im so fed up that I started going through his stuff and came over his bondage porn collection, his CD pictures and him pretending to pleasure himself as a woman. All that in secret While he feels it’s ok to beat me if I don’t back down in an argument.
FrustratedCDwife, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s very painful. I would love it if you could have the support of other women who know what you are feeling, and who can pray for you and give you advice. Please consider joining the women’s prayer group here – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/private-wives-group/
FrustratedCDWife, it is NEVER okay for your husband to beat you! Please focus on getting yourself out of that situation, whether that means leaving your husband or getting good counseling for yourself, so you avoid any future abuse. Your husband’s crossdressing issues are a big problem, but before anything else you must be sure that you and your baby are safe. I’ve lived through an abusive marriage previously, and I know how hard it is to leave, especially with a baby to care for. But you must be safe before you deal with anything else. Is there someone from your church who can help you find a safe place? I’m praying for you.
Thank you! It’s been about 10 months since I started preparing and resisting this dynamic that has slowly crept into my life. I want to leave but have no safe way of doing so as I am currently very isolated. Just yesterday he hit me with a fist to my head when I refused to wash his dishes and told him he can do it himself. I need strength to get through this until I get the opportunity to get out.
Frustrated CD wife, I echo what Karen says. You should focus on getting yourself safe. Please contact a local pastor, even if you have not met him or her yet. They should be able to help you find a safe place for shelter.
Frustratedwife, there will never be a perfect convenient time to leave, but don’t wait until you are unable to leave because you are beaten so badly. The time is now. What you described is very serious! You may be isolated, but there are always places to go. You can call up a local pastor, or the police, or the hospital, or a counselor. These people will know what to do to help you to get safe. You can always go back to the home with these officials to safely collect your belongings. I’m not saying you need to divorce, but you need to get safe. And perhaps after your husband gets professional help, he can change his ways, and you can forgive him and come back together. But all that is for the future. Right now you need to take care of yourself. If you can’t take the vehicle to go somewhere, then you can still call the police to come to your home. Or call a relative to come fetch you.
Frustratedcdwife…I agree with Barnabas. Get out! Besides the fact that you are not safe, you are putting your child at risk. Even if you think he wouldn’t hurt the baby, let me tell you it IS hurtful for a child to grow up seeing it’s parent be abused. If nothing else, get help for your baby’s sake. In addition to the options Barnabas mentioned, many communities have women’s shelters who can help you. Find a time when you can use a telephone privately and call someone. Police, a pastor, a shelter – even if they are not right close by, surely there is a larger city in your county that has these resources. Worried about finances? There are free resources to help you. So many options…call them immediately. And please get counseling for yourself, so you can learn to take good care of YOU. You deserve it. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your child. Please!
I have tears coming down my face right now, I’m so confused. I’m 38 he is 38 too. About a year ago I found 3 pictures on my husbands phone dress in my intimate clothing. We got in a huge fight, I was shocked, and screaming and yelling he was trying to convince me he is not gay. We’ve talked about it and he insists he is not cheating or gay, I have never seen him CD or using my makeup, nothing. He said he did it just because he liked the feeling. But in my mind I’m so afraid, it’s so hard for me to see him like a man, every time a see him a see this weird man I don’t know how to describe it. I’m just so afraid, I’ve been married for 8 years have 3 small children. How do people live like this? Help me understand! I feel so betrayed, I feel like I don’t know who he is, why did I end up marrying him 😔 I’m completely shattered, I just can’t get over it. I’m I living a lie?
Veronica, I understand how you are feeling. You are not the first, and unfortunately won’t be the last. I believe your husband that he is not gay, most crossdressers aren’t. Perhaps being gay would be an easier thing to deal with in some ways than crossdressing though…. What are you going through is awful and painful, but there is hope, for you, and for your husband. I urge you to look to Christ and find your peace in him, if you know him. And if you don’t know him yet, please begin a relationship with him today – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/my-christian-perspective/
I will pray for you right now, but I don’t want to write a lot. I think if you read this blog post it will really help you to understand crossdressing and your husband, and it will point you in the right directions for how to get help for you both. I wrote this post for wives like you – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser/
Your husband can have freedom from this destructive addiction. Please point him to this website to get the help he needs.
For your own support, I encourage you to join the group we have for wives, so you can have guidance and prayer from other women in the same situation – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/private-wives-group/
I will pray for you right now
Oh, Veronica, I am sorry for what you are dealing with. Obviously, you are not alone. Please keep reading around this site, and check out our women’s group for more support.
Veronica, how are you doing? I was just re-reading some of the posts here and realized I didn’t comment on something you said.
You described it so well when you said, “But in my mind I’m so afraid, it’s so hard for me to see him like a man, every time a see him a see this weird man I don’t know how to describe it.”
I am still struggling with the same thing with my husband, and it’s bee 4 or 5 years since I found his secret betrayal. I’m not sure, outside of a miracle from God, if these thoughts about our husbands will change. I know that sounds discouraging, but I guess I want you to know that you are not alone. Maybe you can find a way to work through and get beyond this image of him, or maybe you can decide that you will not remain in your marriage under these circumstances. Maybe things will miraculously change. (I know that sounds like unrealistic, magical thinking, but you never know what God may do.)
Anyway, I am just sorry you are in the situation you are in. I’m sorry you are so sad. I’m praying for you, wherever you are in the journey, and I hope you will ask Barnabas about joining our Wives Group for more support. The blind leading the blind, but we are able to be good encouragers for each other.
I am a wife of a cross dresser. How Do I join your group?
Hi Lori, please sign up here – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/private-wives-group/ You are very welcome