I have told quite a number of people in my life (30-40) about my crossdressing and autogynephilia, both professionals, and family and friends. So I’d like to share some wisdom about how to best do this and some general tips. For me, in every case of telling someone, things went smoothly and I did not have any regret about sharing this struggle with them. I know that this may not be the case for all of us, so I count myself fortunate and am very grateful for such good people in my life.
First we should look at the question, “should I really risk telling anyone at all? Why take the risk? What benefit is there?”
This is a great question and it deserves a thoughtful answer. I think for sure that this is not something a man should just tell anyone about. We have to take care to guard ourselves from those who would malign our names or spread gossip or misinterpret our behavior. But it is helpful to tell some few people.
One good reason to tell someone about your crossdressing past or present is that it brings it into the light. Bringing sin into the light makes it lose power. I have found that whenever I’ve told someone, it makes crossdressing seem so much more foolish, dumb, and unexciting to me. (see the post Telling the Truth). Just speaking about what I have actually done to another person takes away all the false rationalizations that may have built up in my head. It makes crossdressing less powerful and enticing even before the other person speaks in response to your revelation. For months or years after telling someone, crossdressing no longer seems powerful or something I can’t control. To dwell on this biblical theme of bringing sins into the light by confessing to one another, read 1 John 1 and Ephesians 5:1-20.
There are other reasons we should tell someone. Firstly, let’s think about our spouses. I cannot imagine having such a big secret kept from my wife. Different people have different views about marriage. But I want to be “fully known” by the one who loves me and has committed to share her life with me. To be loved without being truly known is still good and still truly love, but it’s more superficial. To be known, flaws and virtues together, and still loved, that is a treasure. That is what God’s love for us is like to a profound more awesome degree. I have committed to share my life with my wife, come what may, in sickness and in health, in all things, in happiness or unhappiness. We make our decisions together. We let nothing break our marriage. It is inconceivable to me to imagine being married to someone who didn’t know everything about me. It is also a matter of integrity. You have committed to share your life with your wife. To not share with her is a sin of omission, deception through omission. Be an honest person, a person of integrity.
Tell your fiancé before marriage, to give her a chance to go into marriage knowing who you really are, and what you might continue to struggle with. One of my regrets is that I told my wife right after we got married, but not before. In our case, it didn’t bother her because I was already committed to not indulging my autogynephilia and not crossdressing. But I have repented of telling her late, because it was wrong not to tell her before marriage. If she refuses to marry you after this, it will be painful for you, but it is her right. Don’t cheat her of the decision. But perhaps if she refuses to marry you after sharing this, she is not the right one for you; I personally would want to marry someone who is not expecting perfection and knows how to give grace to people who struggle.
Do you need to tell her every twisted thought that enters your head? No, of course not. But to hide this huge aspect of your identity, your personality, would be dishonest and even a betrayal. She deserves to know about this. Even if crossdressing was only something in your past, she still deserves to know, and remember that there will still be future temptations. Though you are forgiven by God in Christ, your past history still shapes so much of your personality, behavior, and perspectives. The proof that she should know about your crossdressing is a quick mental imagination. Take a second and imagine how angry she would be if she found out about your crossdressing from somebody else besides you. She would be angry that you hid it from her. She wants to know you fully just as you want to know her fully. Imagine how you would feel if she had a secret addiction to pornography that she didn’t tell you about. Husbands and wives deserve to know these things about each other, so that they can help each other, forgive each other, and love each other in spite of faults and failures. You are not to hide parts of yourself from someone who is “one flesh” with you.
If you have not told your wife yet, well, better late than never. It may be harder for her to forgive you, and she may feel deeply betrayed, but it’s better you tell her now so that you can have a real honest relationship now. It will greatly help that you are telling her yourself rather than her finding out through catching you in the act or hearing from somebody else. Crossdressing husbands always think they won’t get caught, but they get caught all the time. I hear from their wives as they join our wives group. Telling her will be hard, but it must be done. Potentially, such a vulnerable act could actually strengthen the marriage. When you and your wife share your struggles with each other, it can strengthen your trust, forgiveness, love, and commitment. Whenever Christians come together in giving and receiving confessions, grace, and forgiveness, it is a powerful spiritual moment of connection. For both you and your wife, I suggest you read this post – Giving Pastoral care to a crossdresser or person with gender dysphoria. Last, you need to tell your wife for the smaller reason of ensuring that she doesn’t inadvertently tempt you to sin through kinky games in the bedroom. For whatever reason, even among very conservative Christian girls and women, they can find it funny to try to dress you in their clothes. (Maybe less so today with trans taking center stage in our culture).
When you share with your wife, be ready for the shock that will be on her face. She may need time to process and think before immediately responding. Be ready also for the feeling of disgust she may have when picturing what you describe to her of your past actions. Be ready also to have long conversations in the following days and weeks, helping her to understand, and reassuring her in the face of her many fears and questions. Be ready to apologize on your knees and ask for forgiveness. Be ready to commit to her to never fail again, commit to getting more help from other people in your struggle if you need it, and ask her to never give you permission to crossdress again.
Secondly, it can be helpful to tell professional counselors, psychologists, or pastors about your secret. These people will likely be able to give you some good support, encouragement, listening ears, and perhaps help you to recover, change, quit the addiction, and heal. However, I have some reservations about this though also. Many of these counselors and pastors have very little understanding about crossdressing and gender dysphoria, and even if they are loving and compassionate, you may find yourself spending all the time teaching them rather than getting much help from them. Also, in some cases, psychologists will tell you to “be yourself” meaning to give in to whatever desires you find inside you, whether helpful or not, whether sinful or not. They may help you to destroy your life out of their own ignorance. They may make it more difficult for you to quit the addiction that you know is tearing your soul and mind and life apart. So be wary in finding a counselor. Seek out counselors that are knowledgeable about the issue, and are willing to help you heal in your identity as a man, rather than exacerbating your problem. Seek out Christian counselors that have a relationship with the Creator of the universe. Here is one place you could start looking.
Pastors are more likely to be quite ignorant about your feelings and condition, and yet as you teach them and as they listen, I think they can be quite helpful. If you get a good pastor who is teachable and doesn’t condemn you out of his fear of the strangeness of your behavior, he might be very helpful to you. If you read my post about giving pastoral care, there are many issues that a pastor can help you work through even if he doesn’t know as much about crossdressing as you do. Print the post out for him to read. He can help you work out what crossdressing is doing to your relationship with God, he can help you grow in prayer and Bible study, he can help you learn how to fight and resist temptation, he can help you to forgive, to grow in your identity in Christ, to help you appreciate God’s grace, to help you learn what it means to be a man according to God’s word, and so on.
When I shared with counselors and pastors my biggest surprise was by how insignificant they seemed to think crossdressing was. There was no disgust or shame given to me. They focused more on other areas of spiritual and marital growth with me. Some of this may have been due to their ignorance. I did work through crossdressing more in-depth with one counselor. Mostly I was educating him, but it was helpful to speak out loud and process out loud about it. In the end, it was not a negative experience. He helped me to deal with temptations, looking at strategies he himself had used to give up smoking. If one of you really needed a counselor though, I would try to help you find a biblical counselor who has some experience dealing with these sexual and gender issues. Especially since there is a lot more to autogynephilia than simply sexual addiction. The identity struggle and cross-gender longing and depression can be very real.
Thirdly, it can very helpful to tell friends. They are the easiest of any of these to tell, because if they are a close friend, you already have trust built up. And since you aren’t in a sexual relationship, as with your wife, they won’t feel betrayed by your revelation, they won’t worry about how your condition will affect the marriage, etc. It will be quite easy for them to listen, and probably still appreciate the friendship just as much after your revelation, if not more so. There are so many advantages to telling a friend. Besides bringing the sin into the light and having it lose power over you, telling a friend can also give you someone who you can vent to, to share your fears, frustrations, lamentations, and hopes and even jokes about this condition. Telling a friend will give you someone who can help to hold you accountable. We grow together in community when we are “real” with each other. And telling a friend can deepen the friendship, bonding you together for life as close and loyal friends who will always be there for each other, friends who know the deepest darkest crap about each other, but are still together.
I have experienced many of these friendships. These friends and friendships are priceless gifts from God. Such openness and vulnerability is amazing. The accountability and encouragement you can receive through these are wonderful. You are missing out if you don’t have relationships like this. If you don’t, you need to cultivate them. Slowly build trust. You have to be intentional. If you never start opening up, they may never open up either. Be intentional and you can have the joy of these friendships. You can be fully known and still accepted. Your years of fear and isolation and loneliness will melt away.
Some general tips as you think about telling someone
- Begin by telling a friend who has known you for a while, and who you trust, someone who is mature and living for Christ. The first time you tell someone is the most difficult, and you don’t want to tell someone you don’t fully trust for this first time. It will be hard enough that you don’t want to have to worry about risk of others finding out.
- Start by seeing if the friend is willing to be vulnerable. Be vulnerable about another area of your life, maybe how you spend your money, what kind of woman you want to marry, how you treat your wife, pornography, etc, and see if your friend will hold you accountable in that area of your life, and if he will be reciprocal opening up about that area of his life as well.
- You can test the waters by bringing up homosexuality. When you talk to a Christian about homosexuality, they may have many different responses, but let me generalize down to three. 1. They could talk about how people should be themselves and we shouldn’t say it’s wrong to give in to homosexuality. 2. They could be scathing and judgmental against gays, and want nothing to do with them. 3. They could have a more balanced biblical approach, that they love homosexuals and want to be friends with them, but also they say that giving in to homosexual behavior itself is sinful and wrong. So being “gay,” (meaning experiencing same-sex attraction), is not our fault, but we do control whether we give in or not. If you want to stay on the safe side, you might only tell about your crossdressing to someone who fits #3. That way they can help you to resist crossdressing while also giving you grace and compassion. Someone in #1 might try to convince you just to accept your crossdressing, or worse, they might be offended if you don’t embrace your crossdressing. Someone in #2 might end the friendship with you when they find out about this strange sin you deal with. Think about these various responses but in the end use your own judgment. In my experience, some friends who may have started in #1 or #2, have actually changed to more of the position of #3 after hearing my testimony. So I appreciate God using me in that way.
- Pray about it first. Pray for the person you will tell. Take time to prepare. Write down what you want to say if you have to. Don’t rush into it.
- If telling your wife for the first time, make sure you include a deep heartfelt apology for not telling her sooner, and explain why you did not do so, without excusing yourself. Also, point her to this post for wives. Apologize and repent for any crossdressing you have done while married, including things done online, but don’t go into great detail as that will only disturb her and in my opinion is not necessary. Help her to understand that even though you hid this from her for so long, that your marriage is still a real marriage, you still love her greatly, the memories of good times in the past are true and real memories, she doesn’t need to doubt your love and loyalty, etc. Pray together afterwards. Thank her for the grace she gives you. Pledge to her that you will get the help you need to fight this addiction so that you stop giving in and heal from it.
- When I told people, I always began by saying I had something important to tell them, and that they should just let me speak without interrupting until I get most of my speech out.
- Take time to tell them. Make sure you tell them when you have a few hours set aside. Make sure there won’t be interruptions or phone calls. Make sure you have time and energy to answer any and all of their many questions that they will surely have.
- If tears come, let them come. Be vulnerable. The tears will help to show your repentance and deep feeling.
- Make sure that they understand you didn’t choose to be like this, that you wished and prayed for the desires to go away. Help them to understand that these desires don’t define who you are, they are just a tiny part of you, just a part of the sinful nature that everyone has.
- Tell them as much information as you can so that they don’t go away with bad misconceptions. And perhaps give them some follow-up resources to read if they want more information, such as good books and articles that you can find on my links page.
- When they open up and are vulnerable with you, give them the same grace that they gave you. Pray together afterwards.
If you have other good tips and suggestions, please comment below to share with all of us.
I told my wife when we were a few months into our relationship and long before marriage. My biggest regret is that when she asked how often, without thinking too much about it I said “occasionally”. That word will haunt me until I die. Choose your words carefully and don’t try to conceal anything. I did not believe that I was telling a lie as at that time it was occasionally. However the wife now views that word as a lie and says that as far as she is aware, my crossdressing is the only thing that I have ever lied to her about. True.
I am very good at compartmentalising my mind, subject X goes into box 1, etc, my professional life required that I keep secrets and you learn to build compartments very quickly.
So I have secrets from other family members especially the box marked CD. During a recent long and forthright discussion I was forced into a corner. I was told that they had an idea what my problem was and wanted the truth. Trying to escape I pointed out to them that once the genie is out of the bottle it cannot go back in. They were insistent, so deep breath and dread in my heart I blurted out my secret. The family members idea was not correct! They believed that I liked sex with men. I don’t. Fortunately it worked out and they were ok with me being a crossdresser, also suggesting that other family would be fine with the secret. I made sure that they understood that they could discuss it with others if they chose to, I would not put the burden of my secret onto them. Probably a good reason for not sharing in the first place.
So the message is be very careful but trust family if they ask, but be sure not to burden them down. I am not sure that my other family members are ready or need to hear this or indeed how to bring it up without causing harm. I admit that this is playing on my mind a lot since that revelation.
Thank you Keith for sharing your own experiences with this. It’s very illuminating and gives another perspective on the positives and negatives that can come. Why was “occasionally” a lie?
As a pastor, my professional life involves keeping secrets as well. You can’t even tell your spouse about many things that people confide to you about as a pastor. Though sometimes, I will ask someone explicitly for permission to share with my wife, to see if they are okay with that, and then I can share with her so that we care for them together. Such compartmentalization can be heavy at times, especially in a group of people, where you know person x has feelings about person y, and person y is thinking a,b,c and you can’t tell either of them. The hardest thing is keeping this secret from certain close friends and family members. I have a strong desire to tell them, to be fully known, to have it out in the open, even to tell them about this website. But it’s not necessary that every person we know know 100% about us. We can still be close by sharing other vulnerable parts of our lives. I have come to see that it isn’t wrong or deceptive. It’s just not always the right place and time to tell people. And not everyone needs to know. But as relationships get closer, then I can think about sharing with someone. I think generally sharing about it with family of origin – parents, sisters – should be done with care, as they might feel responsible or feel guilt that they did something to make us turn out the way we did.
When you say you told your family, do you mean your family of origin, or your kids? It sounds like in your case it was really helpful that you shared, because they had the wrong idea about you, and their speculations were leading them to all kinds of false conclusions. That would have been really really tough though it seems to me. But you are handling it well? It’s hard to have many people know, and talking about it with one another.
Was their response affirming of crossdressing, or were they in agreement with you that it’s good for you to stop it?
Hi again Keith,
“I would not put the burden of my secret onto them. Probably a good reason for not sharing in the first place.”
This is such an important point. I have never intentionally revealed my perversion to anyone except psychologists, whose job entails keeping other people’s secrets. Before telling anyone, I would think it necessary to first ask whether they are willing and able to bear the responsibility of preserving a secret forever. To tell a friend or relative places an immense burden on them, so they should agree to keep the secret before going any further. But this is far from ideal; if they decline, who knows what evil speculation will some into their heads whenever they see you. As one transgender person put it: if you tell a few people and ask them to maintain your secret, you are not really coming out of the closet, you are bringing them into the closet with you.
My wife discovered my perversion accidentally. Prior to this, she was completely open and innocent, shared everything with her friends and sister. Now, she must always be on her guard about what she talks about, constantly self-censoring.. I think we underestimate how burdensome this can be since we’re so used to it ourselves.
Another practical problem: telling a parent, for example, who later develops dementia, and blabs.
Dementia, hadn’t considered that…. I’ve also experienced recently friends who I told things to, very intimate things, who are no longer close friends. And some who don’t see eye to eye anymore, and I wonder what they might share with others…
I hear the dangers you are mentioning about the burden we place on others. But isn’t this part of life? To share with others what we are feeling and experiencing? We can’t keep it all in to ourselves. No one can, whatever their issues are. Isn’t the ideal of marriage to be loved and known, not loved and not known? To be loved in spite of who we are, not that we feel like our spouse loves a fraud, a projection, not our real self?
I’m just thinking out loud. But it seems like a completely depressing and lonely life to never bear our souls to others around us. Maybe it’s because I’m a pastor and I’m used to hearing people’s burdens, and carrying them around. Sometimes it’s very heavy, because people tell me a lot. In my case, I just keep giving those burdens up to God, and that helps me to feel less heavy about them, but it is still hard on days.
I have thought about dementia. I follow roughly in my fathers medical foot steps (many of us do). He died of dementia so this disease really scares me more than any physical illness.
My short term memory is already iffy. What if I sink into dementia a demand to be dressed as a woman and called Kathy? If close family don’t know about this before hand, is it worse to find out during an illness or to have to live with it beforehand? I don’t have the answer, which I suspect would be different in every case.
I agree that life is full of burdens that we all carry, but is it fair to ask someone to carry your load? And your comment about friendships above is what scares most of us about opening up in the first place!
Dementia scares the bejesus out of me as well, and not just because of the danger of belatedly ‘coming out’ in my senility. As soon as I start forgetting to pick up the milk on the way home, you know I’m going on the internet & find a self-Euthanasia kit. Not going to wait until it’s too late and need round-the-clock care. Not eager to meet my maker in view of all my transgressions, but better than the alternative !
Hi OnDrugs
Thank you for your comments above. An update: as you may have read below my nearest and dearest are now all in the know about my CD. I originally said “I would not put the burden of my secret onto them. Probably a good reason for not sharing in the first place.”. However when I actually did share my secret with them I made a point of stressing that they should feel free to discuss this with whom ever they wished, as I did not want to burden with my secret. Both thanked me for this. Maybe my initial view was incorrect, though I suspect it may be strongly influenced by whom you tell!
Why was “occasionally” a lie? Really Barnabas you need to ask that ????
Shall i spell it out for you ? Because the poster clearly knew it wasn’t true or else it would not haunt him until he dies.
If you marry someone or get into a relationship with this as your secret it is unforgivable and will take years to regain trust if ever.
You are correct horrified. I almost started being a politician and lying to you, but if I do that here what is the point of my being here in the first place. Still hard to break old habits, the lies about crossdressing come easily even when posting on here! Who likes to admit their guilt and shame?
Yes I knew it was a lie. Looking back I was going down the old addicts ruse of – If I tell some of it, I know I can change and anyway if my behaviour does get worse, I can always say “”well I told you about it, its just changed a bit for me””. I’m sure we all know those lies.
I guess in a way it was a lie, as once I had broached the subject and found that I did not need to keep it hidden, I started to push the boundaries little by little, until it came to a breaking point. I had also not told her that I had a female name and admitted that one day. The hurt her and truthfully a lie of omission.
I did not make it clear in my post that it was just one family member who has little contact with the others. Their comment was that they were okay with it. I have yet to have a conversation since, though messages give me confidence that all is well between us.
I am happy for you to share my musings with your wife if you so wish.
Thanks Keith. It’s very encouraging that your family member responded so well to you and that the relationship remains healthy. I trust your comment will give other people reading here the hope and courage to also be able to share with certain friends and family members.
Lies of omission are a common theme among crossdressers and ex-crossdressers. It’s hard to find the right balance of telling a wife all of the things you have done and things you struggle with, without telling her details that are unhelpful and too specific. For example, it’s one thing to say, “In the past I often struggled with looking at transgender pornography. And I am deeply repentant for that and I apologize.” Versus explaining the sites you went to, what scenarios were in the pornography, the details of how you masturbated while watching, etc. What I did in my own marriage when I confessed my history was to give my wife full license to ask me more detailed questions, and told her I was very willing to share more about anything I told her. There were things she wanted to know more about, and others she was content with what I told her and didn’t actually want to know more of the specific details. I’m not sure I have done it all perfectly, but I’ve tried to do the best I knew how.
Dear Barnabas ,
First I want to say , the guys who identify as genuine T-girls , I find are nice people who I would trust to buy a used car from than just anybody .
Through the years , I , a long term Christian , have been here anonymously and talked against crossdressing and would think I had left the transwoman feelings behind many times and then fall mainly fantasizing and planning buying clothes and CD-blogging with minimum of CDing . I am a DES Son if you look it up you will see a moms taking that miscarriage drug between 1940 to 1972 , their sons can have a female brain patterns , well it can also be a great excuse for crossdressing and I probably also is the SRY Gene I suspect I have , but another bad excuse to Sin .Well some people have a genetic disposition to be an Alcoholic but that’s no excuse to be one and Sin just because of a genetic handicap .Guys should beware , those of us who I believe are disposed to this Sin should always be Aware , it’s the same in a way as a Alcoholic staying away from booze and staying away from all Temptation especially when one is bored or in a sad emotional state . Warning if you think you’re clear of this Sin , BEWARE lest you fall. Satin is the author of this activity and I’m sad for all the guys who will die and go into eternal darkness one day if they don’t repent of this and follow Jesus for Real .When you think about CDing it’s ridiculous , all we are promised by God is food , shelter and basic clothing to cover us . For me now , the blood spilled by Jesus for me , has turned from red to VERY BRIGHT RED .
I had the discussion with the final important family member today, her comment was similar to the previous family member “oh, is that it, I thought it was going to be something really bad. This is the year 2021 who cares about crossdressing anyway, only your generation!”
So now all the people that i really care about know my big secret and it turns out that the only one who is worried by in anyway is my lovely wife. Do I want to turn back to a life of CDing. No. But it is nice to know that if I did backslide I would not be a reject!
Keith, that is great to hear that the discussion went so well. It’s nice to know you are not in danger just because people know your secret. A big relief I’m sure!
I do wonder though how much of the wokeness in our culture is really just virtue signaling and not always reality. For all people’s talk of saying that people can be whatever and do whatever they want, people still have pretty rigid preferences. For example, I was seeing a video the other day that was talking about dating apps, and that guys who are less than 6ft tall basically have no chance to get a date on such apps because women don’t want to date guys that are shorter than that, at least within the app settings, maybe not as much in real life.
My guess is that while it’s becoming nearly universal in Western cultures to accept men who crossdress, there is a vast difference between what people will publicly say should be accepted, and what people are actually liking or preferring. There must be very few women who are actually attracted to men who would engage in crossdressing. The amount of wives who contact me because they can’t stand their husbands or boyfriends crossdressing is a lot. And if you look on crossdressing forums, it’s nearly universal that their wives disapprove, though there is the occasional story of the encouraging wife. Many times they first think of it as fun or interesting, but that soon goes away because most women still prefer men to act like men and look like men.
I’m saying all of this just to remember to be sympathetic to your wife. It’s easy for family members or friends to say there is nothing wrong with crossdressing, and sometimes they pressure wives to be accepting or attracted to their husbands’ crossdressing, and make them feel guilty. But it’s a whole lot easier to accept a random friend’s crossdressing, then it is to be attracted to a spouse who is doing so.
I was reflecting on this phenomenon the other day in terms of another sexual deviancy, that is polyamory. You see it in all kinds of television shows and movies today, and I see articles celebrating it every week. But as woke as people are in theory, it’s the extremely rare person who actually engages in polyamory and who would enjoy and appreciate such an arrangement.
Just some random reflections on this. I was not inferring that you have been hard on your wife. I know you haven’t been based on what you’ve been saying in other comments.
I totally agree with you regarding “Woke” culture. In my daily purusal of actual news and not just populist news, it is common to read about attacks, both verbal and physical on persons who dont conform to the societal norms, be it any of the LBTGQI persons or others who chose (or are forced to adopt) a different lifestyle.
Some times the minority groups bring it on them selves by for instance attacking Doctors or scientist for saying a transwoman can not be a biological woman. I am afraid that no amount of surgery will change their DNA from male to female. Wishing will not make it so.
I fully intend to stay “on the wagon” though temptation did jump very high!!!!! I love my wife with all my heart and will not hurt her with CD again.
Thanks Keith. It’s understandable that temptation would jump after a conversation like that. I’ve had it where a temptation will jump up out of nowhere just because I saw a news article that was affirming of crossdressers. At the end of the day though, we know why we each quit, and what cd was doing to ourselves, and to our wives. And it doesn’t matter how much affirmation the culture gives, if we know that cd is an escalating addiction that we don’t want to fall back into and get stuck in.
Thank you for sharing about discussing this with your family and with your wife. I hope that others who are reading this site and comments will be helped by reading about your example. It gives myself food for thought too.