One night, many years ago, my wife wanted me to put on an apron so that I didn’t ruin my clothes with oil splattering from the food we were cooking. The only apron we had was hers, and while it was not overly feminine, it was feminine enough. Therefore, I refused and did not wear the apron. This was hard for my wife to understand as she didn’t think the apron was very feminine and didn’t view it as crossdressing, but I knew for me it was the right choice. After explaining my reasons, she accepted my choice and had no problem.
I knew that if I had put the apron on, I would have either felt some pleasure from feeling like I was crossdressing, or I would have felt awkward and strange from feeling like I was crossdressing. Either way, I knew I did not want to do it. I also knew that in the past I had read transgender fiction stories that started out just so innocently as a wife asking her husband to wear an apron. I knew that wearing an apron should be a harmless thing, but I knew that for me personally, it was the wrong choice. I knew it could set me off the next day or week into many temptations. The apron was avoided, so no fantasies or temptations came as a result of this episode.
As the years went by, and as I have resisted crossdressing and healed from this addiction, I have grown stronger. I have since worn an apron many times without an issue. I can even wear a more feminine looking apron and not have any problems. But just to be on the safe side, I had my wife get me a masculine apron just for me. I wear it with pride and don’t have to even have crossdressing enter my head.
The lesson here for all of you is to know your limits. We are all at different points in our healing from this addiction. Don’t do things just because they are technically okay if they will trigger you into temptation. Put up some good boundaries. As you heal and recover from addiction, you can start venturing out through those boundaries safely. But be vigilant, keep your guard up, and make good decisions.
Thank you Barnabas for this story about the apron. I too have been tempted to go back to cross dressing after doing something that seemed innocuous. I used to put socks under my shirt and hold them up with a belt to simulate having breasts. I call it simulated cross dressing, because I’m not wearing actual women’s clothes, but really it’s the same thing. And I did it to get the same effect. Now I want to stay stopped from cross dressing off any kind, including simulated cross dressing or fiction about cross dressing.
So the other day I wanted to listen to music and a podcast on my phone and instead of wearing headphones, I came up with the idea of dropping the phone down the front of my shirt and holding it up where I could hear it with a belt. Well, we know where I got that idea from. And so I wasn’t cross dressing at all, but just the reminder of what I used to do was enough to trigger me into thinking about simulated cross dressing again. Not a good idea for me! So that’s my story. I need to be vigilant. One could say I’m not hurting anyone with my simulated cross dressing, but it upsets my wife a lot and sends me back into my addiction to cross dressing, where it takes over my life. Without help I’m powerless to stop at that point. There’s never enough after that.
Bob, great to hear from you. Simulated crossdressing as you call it is like my brother who used to hold his finger up an inch from my face to be annoying but then claim to my parents – “i never touched him.” You know what you are doing and it feeds your addiction and confuses your mind, and still gives you sexual pleasure, your wife knows what you are doing and it hurts, and God knows what you are doing and it displeases him. I used to do the same thing and tell myself I wasn’t technically falling into CD, but of course that’s just a technicality that is meaningless. Like you said we have to vigilant.
I think a large part of it is our desire. Do we desire to live free from this? Do we desire to be healthy in our sexuality and gender? Do we desire to live for God’s glory? Do we desire to care for our wives? If so, then we won’t push the boundaries to do what we might be able to “technically” do. Instead we will flee from it as Paul tells us to flee from sexual immorality. We will stay as far away as we can.
Two more – bathrobes, especially non-terry cloth, eg flannel; and men’s underwear without a fly. Stay clear of the no-fly zone, my friends !