At the beginning of my marriage, sex was new and exciting and I never had any problems being stimulated and focused on my wife. But the deep nature of sin and of crossdressing addiction in particular reared it’s head over time. At times, CD thoughts would come into my head during sex. I always felt rotten and incredibly guilty about such times.
The healing I’ve experienced over the years from crossdressing addiction has been a gradual and a long process. The process of change happens so slowly that you don’t easily notice all the significant changes. As an example, one day you wake up and realize you haven’t had a single temptation in months!
One of the most concrete aspects of healing from my past addiction is that my marriage bed became pure. No more did crossdressing thoughts enter my head during those intimate times. It feels so good and pure and holy (and pleasurable) to simply think about my wife and not any other filth. This is one of the fruits of freedom from crossdressing addiction. You must all learn to discipline your minds as well as your actions. Thank you Lord for what you have done. The process of sanctification and change is slow, but if we are willing to keep at it, change happens, through the power and strength and guidance of the Holy Spirit at work in us. I hope the same change can happen for all of you.
How? I find I can’t get excited without these thoughts. I realize the importance of keeping marriage bed pure, but without those thoughts sex just doesn’t work anymore for me. I have prayed, I have been through Celebrate Recovery 12-step, and I have stopped masturbating- have almost 2 years “sobriety” from things like masturbating, reading CD stories, looking at things online. But I still can’t seem to have successful sex with my wife without those thoughts. Every once in a great while I can manage it, which is why I haven’t given up completely, but these times seem to be getting further and further apart rather than more frequent. I am just now starting to look over your site, so maybe this email is too soon- but I would appreciate any guidance. Thank you for making this site. Hopeful.
Good to hear from you Ron, sorry for this trouble you are having. I think there is great hope. The first thing to do, is to relax while having sex, and not worry about the outcome. This might necessitate some honest conversations with your wife. The more stressed you are about the outcome, and about having things “work” without those thoughts, the less likely you will be to succeed. I suggest you just enjoy being with her, enjoy touching her, and have good conversations. If the first few times only end up being times of intimacy together being naked, and times of foreplay like touching and kissing, be okay with that. Don’t let yourselves get frustrated by that. But keep on setting those times aside, and over time I think things will improve a lot and you will be able to be stimulated by her. Just say “no” to those CD thoughts period. The more you give in, the more they will become entrenched in your mind.
You may also need to break out of the normal routine. Talk with your wife about other things that you would find pleasurable during intimacy together, that are not sinful.
I am convinced that for people like you those thoughts are unnecessary. Your CD addiction sounds like most of the guys here, that it is primarily sexual. You are turned on by CD, by the image of a fake woman. Meaning you are still heterosexual, so you are still turned on by women. You might not be as excited or thrilled as by the thought of crossdressing, because your body has become so used to that route, but your body still knows how to be turned on by women.
A lot of porn addicts have destroyed their ability to be turned on by real women in sex. But the reality is that there is hope. They testify of processes of recovery that allow them now to be turned on to real women. Why don’t you start by reading this post of mine and especially the links at the bottom of the post to the Your Brain on Porn site.
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/unconditioning/
There is hope, you can change!