I’ve been thinking about how God made me and what kind of man he made me to be. I think part of the healing that needs to take place in many of us, is that we need to be able to appreciate who God made us to be. We need to accept not only our gender, but our specific body. As many women are self-conscious about their bodies, it seems many of us crossdressers are self-conscious about our bodies to the point that we would rather see ourselves as women, because then we feel attractive. We see only ugliness in our masculine selves.
I know growing up I was always insecure in my masculinity. I didn’t like my body. I felt really self-conscious about my looks and about my clothing. And yet, for some reason I didn’t put any time into trying to make myself look good. I just threw on clothes and never bothered to pick out nice clothes in the store. I went through all of my young life nervous about my looks and yet I didn’t try to do anything about it either. I felt like I was junk in many ways.
In contrast, in my past whenever I was crossdressing, I would spend ridiculous amounts of time trying to be the most beautiful looking woman I could be. I’d spend hours sometimes in front of the mirror. I’d try to get every detail of clothing and my face just right. And yet I used limited materials. I can only imagine that for some of you, you went way beyond me in taking the time to try to appear perfectly beautiful.
I think a part of our healing should include learning to take pride in how we look as men. We should actually take some small healthy amount of time to try to look good as men, and to wear nice clothing that makes us look good and handsome. We need to be able to feel good about ourselves as men in this way or we will keep going back to the crossdressing to try to feel good about ourselves. Most of us aren’t going to be heavyweights or models. But we can at least try to look like normal men and groom ourselves well.
The other day I stopped and looked in the mirror when I was by myself. I even stopped and looked at my naked body. And I repeated to myself – this is who I am, this is the body God gave me. This is who God made me to be. And I accept myself. This little time in front of the mirror did wonders for me. I feel better about myself. I’m accepting who God made me to be, rather than the different people I’ve striven to be. I’m accepting my body even though it’s not perfect. I even somehow was able to think, “I’m not a bad looking guy after all.”
I am one of God’s original masterpieces. There is no one else like me in the world. The same is true for each of you. Take a minute and look in the mirror, and don’t leave until you’ve accepted who God made you to be. God doesn’t make junk. We and this world are all affected by the Fall of Adam and Eve, so everything is tainted. Our bodies are messed up in different ways, and we have different disabilities, and so on, but all of us are still created by God. He crafted each of us in our mother’s wombs. We need to accept who he made us to be, in our strengths and in our weaknesses. Only in this acceptance can we find healing from crossdressing and move forward.