One thing I believe most of us realize sooner or later, whether ex-crossdressers, or those still stuck in the addiction, is that the addiction goes beyond actual crossdressing. Crossdressers are not only sexually turned on by the image or the thrill of crossdressing, but they also become attracted to feminine objects themselves. It’s not only about creating an image of a woman in the mirror. There is also a fetish towards feminine clothing and accoutrements. I’m sure this doesn’t describe every crossdresser, but I know most of you can relate.
Sadly, often when we see a woman, we don’t see her as a whole person, clothing only accentuating her appearance. Instead, we isolate out all the little parts, the shoes she is wearing, the blouse, the earrings, the lipstick on her mouth, the nail polish on her finger nails and so on. Just focusing on any of these elements is enough to turn crossdressers on. Of course, they are attracted to the whole female form or face as well, but the specific objects are enough, often each by itself. I know that in the past I could pull up a website of a clothing store, and be sexually turned on just by looking at a pair of high heels or a dress, even when they were not being worn by a person.
Unfortunately, for some of us who have given up crossdressing, we still carry this object fetish into our marriages. We might enjoy the lingerie our wife is wearing, but have trouble keeping the focus on her, rather than just fixating on the clothing. Or you might totally fixate on her lipstick or her painted toenails or her high heels to the point that you ignore the rest of her, and maybe she even notices your fixation.
One of the cautions I want to give you is that this object fetish can cause you to put a lot of pressure on a girlfriend or a wife to wear certain things. I have read about it in people’s stories many times. Think about it. In a crossdressing addiction, you can never get enough clothes or jewelry or makeup. It’s never enough. You want endless new looks and outfits, and endless tiny items that will increase your femininity. It is very easy for us ex-crossdressers to transfer this to our wives. You might have no end of requests for what your wife should wear to be more and more feminine, even if she personally doesn’t like wearing makeup or high heels. You then pressure her that she needs to wear such things in order to be attractive to you, and if you are not careful you might find yourself not appreciating her natural beauty or the clothes and look that she finds beautiful and comfortable for herself. Recently, one of the women who posted on the wives of crossdressers page of my website broke up with her boyfriend because he put this kind of pressure on her and she felt like he was not attracted to her as a person, but needed all of this extra clothing, makeup, and other things. This is a real issue. Please don’t do this to your wives.
But I can give you hope. You can learn to change and appreciate your wife how she looks without all of the extras. Sure the extras can be nice, and it’s nice when women decorate themselves. But every woman will have certain things she is uncomfortable with. Maybe one woman wears dresses but doesn’t like makeup. Another might paint her nails and wear makeup but doesn’t like wearing skirts. Each woman is different, and we need to learn to appreciate their beauty and their own unique style rather than putting tons of pressure on them to do everything possible to fulfill our fantasies every day. I testify that I have learned this. I don’t think the object fetish will ever completely go away, but I am incredibly attracted to my wife and I haven’t pressured her on that kind of stuff for years and years. I find her amazingly beautiful and I “need” that extra stuff less and less. When she does do something a bit feminine, like wear a dress, or wear really feminine shoes, etc. it is all the more exciting because she does it without being forced and it is then a delight for me.
You can also experience this change. Resist the urges to feed your female object fetish. Don’t allow yourself to go look at websites of clothes, and shoes, and makeup. When you are in church and seeing women dressed up, force yourself not to spend time just thinking about their clothes, just as you would also discipline your mind not to lust after other women. Discipline your mind not to fixate on things like lipstick, or dresses, or shoes. If you keep resisting, and keep on looking for the natural beauty in your wife, you can change and “need” those things less. Your marriage will get better as well as you stop pressuring your spouse so much. Sure, you can tell her what you like, but don’t try to force her or manipulate her to do what you want. If you discipline yourself, as I learned to do, you will be able to appreciate things like skirts and painted nails on your wife as part of her overall look, without fixating on those things in a fetish like way. That is something that feels really good, trust me. You will also learn to appreciate your wife’s naked body more, without needing to see female clothing to be turned on. It’s a long tough road, but it’s very possible if you put the work in and are patient.
This iz very useful, although I was expecting more of this topic because I am really struggling with this. I left cross dressing around 7 years and haven’t dressed since then, I’ve been married for 4 years. But yet, I struggle a lot with this. I have to admit that I force my wife to wear lipstick, and a pretty Victoria Secret bra at least every single time we have sex, when I find her in a better mood, I ask her go put matching panties, or even heels, and man I really enjoy it! But when she doesn’t accept it really frustrates me, even recently we tried couple of times she completely naked and I struggle with erecting or takes much longer for me to ejaculate. That’s one of the issues I found. But there is another one. Like yesterday that we went to a wedding, and she dresses beautifully it really frustrates me not being able to have sex with her, she still was in her period which by the way it frustrates me that usually isong, between 7 days minimum and up to 10 or 11. In those cases I have asked her to stimulate me with her hand like after 2 days, at least to resist while she finish. Of course I as her to put lipstick, show me her bra, etc, otherwise it takes longer for me to ejaculate. But they days she dresses beautiful it really frustrates me not to being able to enjoy her, yesterday I wasn’t able to ask her to do with her hand because the day before she made me, she didn’t want to make it again. But she really looked gorgeous and really frustrated me not being able to enjoy her. And I am starting to feel sick of this. Everytime she dresses beautiful, pretty makeup, pretty clothes, pretty shoes and even perfume I want to posses her su much and gets me really angry when I can’t. At least every Sunday she dresses beautiful for church, and I force her to have sex or with her hand. She doesn’t work, and we have a little kid, so during the week, she uses simple clothes, she doesn’t makeup, so for me Sundays are days that I must take her. What I do is as I mentioned, during the week I ask her to use lipstick, or to put lingerie, but if she doesn’t accept, or say not today, let’s make it they way I am, it frustrates me and doesn’t let me to enjoy, have hard time with erection and ejaculation.
When I am outside, I really struggle with stopping stearing at women we beautiful female objects. Even ads, or stuff shown in stores through the windows.
I feel like a pervert, I really enjoy this things, I want them so much in my wife, when she uses them I am like a crazy monkey around her, I beg her to use this things every single time, when she doesn’t use them I am angry and even kind of impotent. I am realizing I am wrong, I really want this, don’t want to give up on it, but can’t have it either as much as I want it, the way I want it, when I want it, and even when I do, this last only minutes, then the sexual encounter ends, she takes the things out, puts something else, and that’s it, I have to wait days until the next time, if I’m lucky would include several feminine objects, but it might not.
Sorry for writing this much, I don’t have where else to go, who else to understand me the way you do and there is a lot going on in me in regards with this topic.
I just want to mention, that seems like we all already felt in this fake fantasy about how a woman is, we believed the lie that women have curl and think lashes because this is the way we always see them, at church, at work, on TV, you always see them with mascara, my wife when we where dating she always have them, now that we are married I only see her with her lashes made Sundays or of she goes to an event, she doesn’t put mascara to go shopping, or groceries. So it is frustrating, that’s why when she puts mascara I really want to enjoy her (have sex or she stimulating with her hand, which means: I feel like I need to look at her lashes and ejaculate). Same thing with several female stuff, like heels. We see them all the time with heels, I really want to “enjoy” my wife when she uses heels, again enjoy means (having an orgasm looking st my wife using heels), which by the way is not that common having her using them, so that’s what frustrates me. We look at woman very commonly with heels but that’s just an illusion, because as soon as they get home they take them out. Everything out there is just an illusion, women in real life, in real intimacy they don’t use any of those stuff. Man! Even with lingerie, they have to use it every day right? Well, they don’t use matching bra and panties every single time, they change panties more frequently than bra, which frustrates me not having her on the bed with mathiching lingerie, frequently I ask her to change the panties to a color that matches the bra or change her completely the two of them. Those women we see in magazines, TV or movies using matching lingerie, that is also an illusion. Everything is fake, and I am already so shaped and twisted by that. That’s what makes me sick, I want that all so much, but that is not even realistic, and is frustrating.
Does this all make sence to somebody else or am I the only? I feel like a pervert freek? What should I do, how to handle it? What to do with all of this?
What you are saying makes sense Joe, don’t worry. Many of us can relate to what you are feeling as regards to your wife. However, let me gently share with you, this is unhealthy, for both you and your wife. This obsession with how she dresses is not good. It leads to manipulating your spouse and trying to control her, and treating her less like a person and more as a visual porn/object of lust. On this post you have commented on, I have tried to elaborate why this is unhealthy and how to fight against it.
You can also read – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/crossdressing-and-female-sexual-objectification/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/summary-reasons-crossdressing-is-sinful-harmful/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/12-steps-to-stop-crossdressing/
Beyond the crossdressing issue, I think the first step in your case is to admit to yourself that it is a problem. That you are fixated on the feminine objects, not your wife. Admit that it is a problem, and make a goal that you don’t want to be that kind of person or husband. Then you can start making headway on positive change.
Take time to see the beauty of your wife each and every day regardless of what she is wearing. And cultivate a life of self control in the area of sex, that you can be okay not having sex every other day. (I don’t know how often you are, but regardless, it’s good to not put too much pressure on your wife in that area, but to be patient and loving for her needs as well).
Please keep in touch and keep reading other posts!