One thing I believe most of us realize sooner or later, whether ex-crossdressers, or those still stuck in the addiction, is that the addiction goes beyond actual crossdressing. Crossdressers are not only sexually turned on by the image or the thrill of crossdressing, but they also become attracted to feminine objects themselves. It’s not only about creating an image of a woman in the mirror. There is also a fetish towards feminine clothing and accoutrements. I’m sure this doesn’t describe every crossdresser, but I know most of you can relate.
Sadly, often when we see a woman, we don’t see her as a whole person, clothing only accentuating her appearance. Instead, we isolate out all the little parts, the shoes she is wearing, the blouse, the earrings, the lipstick on her mouth, the nail polish on her finger nails and so on. Just focusing on any of these elements is enough to turn crossdressers on. Of course, they are attracted to the whole female form or face as well, but the specific objects are enough, often each by itself. I know that in the past I could pull up a website of a clothing store, and be sexually turned on just by looking at a pair of high heels or a dress, even when they were not being worn by a person.
Unfortunately, for some of us who have given up crossdressing, we still carry this object fetish into our marriages. We might enjoy the lingerie our wife is wearing, but have trouble keeping the focus on her, rather than just fixating on the clothing. Or you might totally fixate on her lipstick or her painted toenails or her high heels to the point that you ignore the rest of her, and maybe she even notices your fixation.
One of the cautions I want to give you is that this object fetish can cause you to put a lot of pressure on a girlfriend or a wife to wear certain things. I have read about it in people’s stories many times. Think about it. In a crossdressing addiction, you can never get enough clothes or jewelry or makeup. It’s never enough. You want endless new looks and outfits, and endless tiny items that will increase your femininity. It is very easy for us ex-crossdressers to transfer this to our wives. You might have no end of requests for what your wife should wear to be more and more feminine, even if she personally doesn’t like wearing makeup or high heels. You then pressure her that she needs to wear such things in order to be attractive to you, and if you are not careful you might find yourself not appreciating her natural beauty or the clothes and look that she finds beautiful and comfortable for herself. Recently, one of the women who posted on the wives of crossdressers page of my website broke up with her boyfriend because he put this kind of pressure on her and she felt like he was not attracted to her as a person, but needed all of this extra clothing, makeup, and other things. This is a real issue. Please don’t do this to your wives.
But I can give you hope. You can learn to change and appreciate your wife how she looks without all of the extras. Sure the extras can be nice, and it’s nice when women decorate themselves. But every woman will have certain things she is uncomfortable with. Maybe one woman wears dresses but doesn’t like makeup. Another might paint her nails and wear makeup but doesn’t like wearing skirts. Each woman is different, and we need to learn to appreciate their beauty and their own unique style rather than putting tons of pressure on them to do everything possible to fulfill our fantasies every day. I testify that I have learned this. I don’t think the object fetish will ever completely go away, but I am incredibly attracted to my wife and I haven’t pressured her on that kind of stuff for years and years. I find her amazingly beautiful and I “need” that extra stuff less and less. When she does do something a bit feminine, like wear a dress, or wear really feminine shoes, etc. it is all the more exciting because she does it without being forced and it is then a delight for me.
You can also experience this change. Resist the urges to feed your female object fetish. Don’t allow yourself to go look at websites of clothes, and shoes, and makeup. When you are in church and seeing women dressed up, force yourself not to spend time just thinking about their clothes, just as you would also discipline your mind not to lust after other women. Discipline your mind not to fixate on things like lipstick, or dresses, or shoes. If you keep resisting, and keep on looking for the natural beauty in your wife, you can change and “need” those things less. Your marriage will get better as well as you stop pressuring your spouse so much. Sure, you can tell her what you like, but don’t try to force her or manipulate her to do what you want. If you discipline yourself, as I learned to do, you will be able to appreciate things like skirts and painted nails on your wife as part of her overall look, without fixating on those things in a fetish like way. That is something that feels really good, trust me. You will also learn to appreciate your wife’s naked body more, without needing to see female clothing to be turned on. It’s a long tough road, but it’s very possible if you put the work in and are patient.