The longer I have tried to care for and help other men, the more I realize the importance of making a distinction between a harmful sexual addiction and an unwanted sexual orientation (for an explanation about why I am using the term “sexual orientation”, see the section at the end). The two are very different things, and yet we would like to help men in both areas. When men come to this website asking for our help, sometimes they themselves don’t even fully realize what they want help with. It’s important for clarity to first help them think through the addiction and orientation question. The approaches for helping address each are different. In the past, I have not always differentiated between these two different things in my posts. Some strategies I outline are more directed at dealing with sexual addiction and other strategies are more helpful in learning how to live contented lives as men without in any way indulging our autogynephilic sexual orientation. Many posts definitely are geared at both aspects at once. In future writings, I hope to more clearly explain which aspect I am talking about. Thinking through these two aspects might help some people to be better able to discern which area they need or want to focus on.

Someone may ask for help because he feels shame, confusion, or frustration about his autogynephilia or crossdressing. You can read more about what autogynephilia is here and here (Let me warn that this Reddit channel is mostly affirming of autogynephilia as something healthy). Simply put, autogynephilia is sexual attraction to acting like or being a woman. There are some people who use female objects or clothing for the purposes of a sexual fetish (a paraphilia), purely for sexual reasons. I would also call autogynephilia (AGP) a paraphilia, but it runs deeper than simply being a sexual fetish. AGP includes actual longing to be a woman and many men with autogynephilia do end up transitioning into living as “women.” From what I’ve studied, most male to female transsexuals are actually autogynephilic. For the men in this community, some have what has been traditionally called transvestic fetishism, and others clearly describe their experience in terms of autogynephilia, but perhaps transvestic fetishism and AGP are really the same thing, but just different degrees of the strength of the desires, or different points on a wider spectrum. More research is needed.

To understand the full-orbed nature of this sexual orientation, compare it to heterosexual orientation. When a heterosexual man is attracted to a woman and wants to marry her, he is not simply just looking to satisfy his sexual lust. He is also looking for companionship, romance, and affection, not to mention feelings of comfort and security from being united to the other person. I’ll add that he takes pleasure in the woman being feminine and different from him, so that he enjoys being with her and enjoys her beauty and difference, even when they are not sexually intimate on any given day. A man with autogynephilia seeks all these same facets of a relationship, but he seeks to satisfy them through the woman of his making, himself, rather than through a real woman. In this very informative article by Anne Lawrence – Becoming What We Love, this deeper aspect of autogynephilia is well outlined (keep in mind this reading may trigger some men to be tempted, especially since the article takes a secular perspective that is more affirming of autogynephilia, so read with care). But I think it is definitely worth a read. For those with autogynephilia like me, our temptation is to try to meet our sexual desire, companionship desire, romantic desire, and desire for affection, comfort, and security, all through our crossdressed self. This is why some have described male to female autogynephilic crossdressers as people who have in a way become married to themselves.

Autogynephilia, like other paraphilias, is a type of sexual orientation, an enduring pattern of sexual attraction. As with all paraphilias, I believe that Christians must not act upon these autogynephilic sexual desires. Unfortunately, many people today are advocating for wider acceptance of paraphilias as sexual orientations to be affirmed and tolerated. I view autogynephilia as sinful to act upon, but additionally, even from a secular humanistic perspective I think it is unhealthy to act upon. For a starter on understanding why I view it as both sinful and unhealthy, you can read this post. I didn’t consciously choose to have autogynephilia, but I do believe that crossdressing or acting upon my AGP cross-gender desires is sinful. While I can’t flip a switch to remove my autogynephilia, I can refrain from acting on it or indulging it.

How do I help guys to think about their autogynephilia and resist it? How do I help guys to live contented lives as men? For most of us, whether married or not, it is very helpful to focus on other fulfilling things in life besides sexuality. It is possible to live a very full and meaningful life even without fulfilling all of our sexual desires. Focus on serving others, ambition in your work, the joys of eating, exercise, and games, spending time with friends, and pursuing growing closer to Christ. But for married guys, I also encourage focusing on their heterosexuality which exists alongside their autogynephilia. They can focus on pursuing a loving and pleasurable relationship with their wives instead of indulging their autogynephilia. And for all of us with autogynephilia, we can focus on integrating so called masculine/feminine aspects of our personality, and embracing our identity as men.

I don’t advocate suppression. We need to face our condition and understand our desires, and then we can choose whether to act on them or not. I don’t advocate conversion therapy. I don’t think we can magically get rid of our autogynephilia, nor can we do shock treatments or watch enough pornography to suddenly take it away. But I do think that the less we indulge our autogynephilia, the weaker it gets. The more we indulge our heterosexuality in a healthy and holy way, the stronger it gets. I don’t say this from a researched scientific standpoint, but from anecdotal testimony from the men in our recovery groups who, like me, have experienced great reduction in the strength of their autogynephilic desires after long periods of not indulging them. Our temptations should lessen over time. I can say that real change is possible over a longer period of time. I would say that I still have trouble with the addictive aspect, outlined below, but with daily issues of autogynephilia I am 90% changed. I can go many months at a time without the single thought of anything to do with wanting to be a woman. I can go many months even without having a single desire or temptation related to autogynephilia. I don’t have the envy of women I used to have. I don’t have the discontent with my body I used to have. I don’t feel insecure as a man. I love being a man. When those autogynephilic thoughts or desires creep up once in a while, it is only necessary to exhibit self-control and resist the temptation until it passes. And yes, I have given in at times, with great regret. But when that happens, I confess to my accountability partners, and get back up, and start living a life of freedom again. I enjoy my life and am not overly troubled by the underlying autogynephilia that still exists in me in a small way.

Let’s move on to the matter of addiction. Someone may ask for help because his life is spiraling out of control through addiction to crossdressing, sissy porn, or transgender fiction. Anyone of any sexual orientation can fall into sexual addiction. Someone who is heterosexual can fall into pornography addiction. Someone who is homosexual can fall into gay pornography addiction. Someone who has autogynephilia can fall into crossdressing fiction addiction or crossdressing addiction, which I definitely did in my past. It’s possible that someone who finds no moral issue with autogynephilia as an orientation may still want help overcoming their sexual addiction related to autogynephilia. And it’s possible someone will come to get help with their autogynephilia, but they actually have no sexual addiction. This is complicated because each person is different.

I’m someone that was sexually addicted in the past, and still view myself as sort of similar to a recovering alcoholic in the sense that if I let myself give in to autogynephilic desire right now, the addiction will restart again. For me, even if I didn’t view crossdressing as sinful and harmful, I’m not sure I’d be able to do it in a so called “healthy way.” For me it is inherently addictive. I remember times in the past where I would spend more than 9 hours straight on crossdressing fiction, probably doing damage to my body, and also going without food and water. That is harmful addiction. I know I am not alone in this!

The damage caused by an addiction like this is very similar to the damage caused by any sexual addiction. To understand the science around sexual addiction better, especially addiction related to pornography, read around at Your Brain on Porn. The sexual addiction based on autogynephilia can have additional types of harmful effects though that go beyond what you would see in a regular pornography addiction. On this, read Crossdressing demands sacrifice of self and also Autogynephilic Addiction Never Satisfies. It’s not surprising that some men lose their jobs or their wives or their relationships with their kids through this addiction. More tragically, some men commit suicide over the horrors of sexual addiction. They hate what they do and end up hating themselves and they see no way out.

Treating this kind of sexual addiction is in most ways the same as treating a heterosexual pornography addiction. See this post for more of the comparison between the two types of sexual addictions – Crossdressing is like Pornography. Some of the basic steps of treatment for sexual addiction like this would be to purge all female clothing and paraphernalia, to get an internet filter, to tell about your problem to someone, to get an accountability partner, to join a recovery group like the ones offered at this website, and to reduce temptations and opportunities to sin wherever possible. It also helps a lot to fill your life with good things and healthy habits that will take your mind off of sexual temptations and help you to make it through the depressing period of dopamine withdrawal symptoms. Some people may need extra help from a counselor.

If you are here reading this and you are not a Christian, and you find nothing wrong with autogynephilia, but you do see you have a problem with autogynephilic sexual addiction, we are still very happy to give you any help that we can. But you may discover that you can’t actually indulge your autogynephilia in a healthy way because it has become inherently addictive for you.

A note for Christians about the term sexual orientation:

The term “sexual orientation” unfortunately contains some baggage based on how it is commonly used by people outside the Church. But here at Healing from Crossdressing, we still find it helpful to use the term “sexual orientation.” When we use it, it is important to clarify what we mean and don’t mean by that term.

Why do we use the term?

• Autogynephilia and autosexuality are sexual orientation terms that describe a type of person with very particular cross-gender desires and sexual desires. Scientifically and psychologically there are certain traits and patterns among people with autogynephilic sexual orientation. We find it important not only to look at the nature of sinful desire, that all Christians and people face, but also to look at the scientific data about men with this condition. To explain our experience to other Christians in a way they can more fully understand, it is exceedingly difficult without using concepts like “heterosexuality” and “autosexuality” and “autogynephilia.”
• “Autogynephilia” and “sexual orientation” are not terms that appear in the Bible. However, we find them useful ways to describe what we experience. In a similar way, “obsessive-compulsive disorder” and various types of physical disabilities do not appear in the Bible either. Yet they can be identified through observation and science. There are certain psychological and scientific areas of research that help to inform us about how to treat the problem of autogynephilia, even as we focus mainly on growing closer to Christ and putting our sin to death in the process of sanctification, through the power of the Holy Spirit at work within us. It’s even possible that autogynephilia is caused by specific biological and environmental factors. Just as most Christians are willing to talk about the experience called “obsessive-compulsive disorder,” but are able to discern the idolatry and sinful desires that are active in people with OCD, so also we can use the term “autogynephilia” but still discern the ways that idolatry and sinful desires are active in our experiences and struggles with autogynephilia.
• Autogynephilia, like homosexuality (same-sex attraction), seems to be an enduring and life-long pattern of sexual desire. This is really the main definition of a “sexual orientation” even as it is used by non-Christians. There is no simple way to flip a switch to no longer experience these desires. We believe in change and sanctification, and most of us have experienced varying degrees of greatly changed desire in terms of autogynephilia. However, none of us have experienced a complete removal of these desires, and we don’t expect to until Jesus comes and makes us new. In the meantime, autogynephilia continues to be a factor of struggle in our lives, and it colors our everyday experiences. For example, the way that we see articles of clothing around us may be always different from other people, just as a recovered alcoholic will still always see alcohol differently from other people.
• We use the language of “sexual orientation” because it is understood by the people we are trying to reach with the Gospel. We want to use at least a little bit of the common vocabulary that other people use so that they can understand what we are writing.
• Orientation language helps to capture the reality that we have desires we did not consciously choose. While they arise from our sinful nature, there was no point that we decided to have these desires and we desperately would love to be rid of them. We don’t know whether they are caused by a biological defect, environmental factors, or both, in combination with our sinful nature and evil desires.
• Orientation language is descriptive for us in the present, describing what we experience. We do not view it as prescriptive, that it entails how we must live or act. We do not view it in a fatalistic way, that orientation entails that we “will always” experience these desires in the future.
• Bringing people together under a common label of the same sexual orientation is incredibly helpful and liberating for most of us. We realize that in our specific brand of sexual brokenness, we are not alone. We are not some kind of monster worse than all other Christians. There are other people who experience the same thing that we do. And together, we can help each other deal with these cross-gender struggles, and follow Christ. Just as recovered pornography addicts often know the best tools and ways to resist pornography and overcome that addiction, so also, we who have experienced autogynephilia are best able to advise others who are struggling with it.

What do we believe about “sexual orientation” differently from the secular culture? And how do we respond to some common critiques from Christians about using the term “sexual orientation?”

• We do not believe that sexual orientation gives us a license to indulge sinful desire.
• We reject the idea that having a “sexual orientation” other than heterosexuality makes it more difficult for us compared to other Christians to live a holy sexual life.
• We reject the idea that our orientation means we have a more difficult life or more suffering compared to other Christians who all face their own types of suffering in their lives.
• We do not believe that sexual orientation should be a part of our identity. Our identity is that we are people made in the image of God, and through Christ we are children of God. We don’t define our identity in terms of what specific sins we are drawn to. Those sins and struggles are only relevant in terms of sharing our unique life story and experience. We do not call ourselves “autogynephilic Christians” just like we would not want Christians to call themselves “gay Christians.”
• We do not believe that people with various desires related to LGBT are a separate category of people different from so called “normal” Christians. While we have different temptations because of different sexual orientations, all of us are made in the image of God, all of us struggle with sinful desire, all of us struggle with sexual sins and sinful thoughts, and all of us need God’s grace and forgiveness in Christ. We find it unhelpful to separate us as a separate type of “minority” Christian, in some LGBT umbrella. However, just as Christian alcoholics have unique experiences, and need certain compassionate responses such as grape juice for the Lord’s Supper in church, so also Christians who experience autogynephilia may also be spoken to as a group at various times.
• We do not believe that sexual orientation is completely unchangeable. On the one hand, we reject the prosperity gospel and Christian perfection teachings which would say we can completely eliminate sinful desires from our lives before Jesus returns if we just have enough faith. On the other hand, we believe that the Holy Spirit is continually making us more and more like Christ in our behaviors and in our hearts and minds, slowly in the long process of sanctification. We continually fight against sin and put it to death, and when we fail, we repent, confess our sin, and put our hope only in God’s grace in Christ. Then we keep on moving forward in obedience again.
• We do not believe that by acknowledging “orientation” that we are therefore believing that sin is still ruling over us, or that we are not to view ourselves as being dead to sin. We are simply acknowledging a continuing pattern of temptation that we experience and fight against.
• We do not believe that the goal is to change from being autogynephilic to being completely heterosexual. The goal is holiness and following Christ. But we advise men who are married that they should pursue and cultivate their heterosexual desires for their wives, focus on loving them well, and put to death their autogynephilic desires.
• We do not believe that orientation language necessarily commits to one believing that cross-gender desires are neutral, and not evil, as long as one does not act upon those desires. You can still use the term “sexual orientation” and believe that the desire itself is wrong and sinful, because it is a desire for something sinful. Of course, there are different levels in the seriousness of the sin. It is one thing to have desires from your flesh, that you know are bad, and not give in to them. It is another thing to give in to fantasizing about them in your mind. And it is yet another thing to have those fleshly desires and actually give in to them. Regardless, if we are in Christ, we don’t need to live with guilt and shame because we are loved and forgiven, even when we are unable to fully remove evil desires from our lives completely. Thanks be to God for his abundant grace!