This ministry and the website are led by a leadership team, all of whom are part of the recovery groups themselves. Leadership team members are Barnabas, Matthias, Paul Samson, NHA, and Ben. If you need to contact us privately, see the About this Ministry page and fill out the contact form at the bottom of that page. Otherwise you can post a comment below on this page.
This page is a place for you to give general comments about this ministry or ask specific questions. You can also suggest topics for us to write about or suggest improvements to this website. Just comment below and Barnabas or another leadership team member will respond to you. If you comment asking for prayer, we promise to pray for you, and others in this community will pray for you as well.
Concerning questions, we will try to help but we might say “we don’t know!”
Why is this an unsecured site?
Can you recommend any counselors in Los Angeles.
Paul, thank you for the question. Unfortunately I don’t know any to recommend. My best recommendations are to reach out to one of these organizations who can either counsel you from a distance or they would have the proper connections to help you locate someone in LA:
These are taken from my links page under ministries, please check there for more of them, and for the links:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/links-resources/
*Harvest USA – Christian organization that gives discipleship and counseling assistance to help people find hope in Jesus Christ when struggling with sexual brokenness of any kind, including transgenderism.
*Prodigal Ministries – Christian organization that seeks to help people with sexual addiction or transgender issues.
*Celebrate Recovery – Excellent recovery organization similar to 12 step programs, but focused on Jesus. Excellent curriculum for fighting addiction.
Do you have information on parents dealing with young adult Crossdressing.
Linda,
This may be a good place to look. https://www.help4families.org/
It is one of the many links that Barnabas has listed in the resources.
LB, that is a good question. I will do some research, but as far as I know it is a very secure site. You can test for yourself, for example a site like this tests for you, https://www.sslshopper.com/ssl-checker.html Or https://www.hubspot.com/ssl-checker
Linda, I haven’t written a lot on that, but this post should be a helpful start to you:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser/
Then if you look at my links page, https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/links-resources/
There are a lot of links and articles there that will guide you on that issue.
Here is one article that is part of a series of 4 articles – https://www.harvestusa.org/coming-out-gay-transgender-parents-must-do-part-1/#.XK2RBrhS95s
Thank Barnabas I will read those links. We are looking for a rehab (not in Texas Oklahoma or New Mexico) for our son. He needs a mental and drug addition rehab. Any suggestions on who to talk to that would be a Christian facility too? Thank you for your assistance
Linda, I’m sorry, I don’t have a good idea of how to answer that question. I’m not familiar with drug and addiction rehab centers. Just try to do some internet searching, but you can look through the organizations on my links page and see if they have links to addiction centers on their pages. You could also try contacting some of them to see if they can link you to a center.
Wondering about Thorin? And looks like an excellent site to continue my support as a struggling wife. Thank you!
I’m here Anonymouswife, see my welcome page about the name change – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/welcome/
Karen has been waiting for you ladies to show up 🙂 Please join her in the forum in the wives section, and also in the private prayer group if you want also.
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/healing-from-crossdressing-forum/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/private-wives-group/
I am a cross dresser. I am in my late fifties and have cross dressed all of my life with memories going as far back as my early childhood. The thrill of pretending to be something I’m not, accompanied by the sensation from the feel of the clothes, and more recently the application of makeup, gave me a high I wished would never have to end. Stepping forward to today, I recently came out to my wife, of almost thirty years, about my cross dressing. Through a chain of events, self caused by my own carelessness, I decided to confess my need to cross dress to her. The fear that gripped me for all those years of getting caught was transferred to a new fear of what would happen next. To my surprise All my years of secretes, lies and deception were met head on by my wife’s enduring love, caring heart and her deep devotion to Jesus Christ. There was also a sickness in her stomach from the hurt that went along with this shocking admission, accompanied by several sleepless nights for both of us. The guilt, in my heart was real, and is still, that I caused her this hurt and I didn’t know how to explain this away or convince her things are going to be okay. At first she didn’t want to talk to me about it, as I tried to get her to read articles as they related to my cross dressing, she just let me know she was praying for me and this addiction. Truth is, I never even thought in terms that my cross dressing was an addiction. I have never been a smoker or drinker and have never used drugs in a leisurely manner, so the thought of being addicted to something never crossed my mind until now. Meanwhile, over the last month my cross dressing desire, instead of cooling off to allow time to heal, increased. I wanted to take it further and step out to a couple of local cross dresser events in my area. I had never been outside the home and in my mind this seemed like the logical next step if she wasn’t willing to talk about my need verbally. I even had other cross dressers applauding my determination to join them. Thinking her silence was my excuse to believe she was acceptable too it on a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” basis, I continued to make the plans of how I was going to leave my sheltered country neighborhood in stealth mode and join other’s who thought like me. What I didn’t realize, is that my praying and deeply concerned wife was reading. She was reading the Bible and saying prayers from a book called The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. She was searching the web looking for Christian resources that offered support on the topic of cross dressing and transgender issues. She brought me an article from Focus On The Family and asked me to please read it. I did read it and over the last week I have searched out other resources on line that discussed the Christen view on this topic, and that search is what eventually lead me to this site. I have a lot of reading to do still, I find the articles to have a parallel relation to my own struggles. The story described by Barnabas of his cross dressing and how it affected his life is very similar to my story. The part of the story where he conquers his addiction through God’s help, is the story I want to be mine, as well. I think about if I never had gotten careless and then never had felt the need to tell my wife about my cross dressing before she found out through others, things would be just moving along in the same order as before with Me Cross Dressing, Me Lying, Me being Deceitful, Me not looking for help. My wife and I started attending, for the first time in years, a community Christian church. Its so strange to be sitting there and feeling that the Minister is directing his sermon of God’s love and understanding and on how Time is our greatest asset, and time is also the one thing we don’t have enough of, towards my life and getting things right with God. Thank You, Barnabas. This site has been a blessing to find, and I truly hope, and I need to pray, that it helps me on a road to recovery from my addiction and hopefully to salvation. I thank God for his love, and for love I have from my beautiful wife, with them working together, I feel some hope. KP
KP, thank you so much for the comment and for sharing your story. I’m happy to hear that you want to follow my example and be free from addiction to crossdressing. It’s not necessarily easy to give it up, but like other addictions, it is totally worth any effort that you put in to give it up. It is wonderful to live a life free of it. I will pray for you right now.
If you are serious about wanting to give it up, I welcome you to join our prayer group:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
Keep reading my posts and commenting if you have time
I’m 55 and started with my sister’s silky nylon panties at 13. All through school I’d wear them as much as possible, even outside playing sports or neighborhood games. I loved the silky feeling of them so much and grew to hate my normal underwear. After HS I joined the Army and stopped but I also lost access to those silky treasures. It honestly left my mind for eons until watching the Rocky Horror Pictire Show with my wife at the time for the first time when Fox had it on. I saw Dr Frankenfurter and his sexy he looked at a sweet transvestite and it all came back. I got so ecited I went and put on a black silky pair of panties and a black cami to match and wanted to be just like Dr Frankenfurter. I wished I could go through the transducer and be made into a transvestite. I have dressed up with others with this addiction and it was so fun, amazing and exciting!
I have purged and thrown it all away only to buy it all again. If I stop, the urge to dress up for pleasure is multiplied until I can’t take it and fold like a cheap chair. I’m just exhausted fighting it. I can’t fight any more!! I’m done purging and know I can’t beat it. It’s an exercise in futility. All I want is to be a sweet transvestite like Dr Frankenfurter and be around others that crossdress or at drag queens. We all know we will keep giving in.
MP what you describe is the nature of sexual addiction. Here are a couple videos that can help you understand why it is so difficult to stop:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwfBohnPv9E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTD_itXrR6E
https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/02/03/brain-chemicals-and-porn-addiction/
I understand your feeling of exhaustion. You can’t beat an addiction just by willpower. Of course that will tire you out. It takes more than gritting your teeth to overcome it. But you can indeed overcome it. I encourage you to keep reading posts at this website, both mine and the posts written by others.
You said – “We all know we will keep giving in.” I believe that you truly believe that. You are not just trying to troll me. You believe that is the case and so therefore you think you are offering good guidance. But the facts are otherwise. Through this website and the recovery groups offered here, many guys are living in freedom without any crossdressing, and they are feeling good, happy, free, and not desiring at all to go back to what life was like with crossdressing in it.
If you get tired of being tired, if you get tired of being a slave to your addiction (if you read what you wrote, it certainly sounds like you are a slave to it, not able to control it), reach out to us again here and we’d be glad to help you find freedom from this.
Hi MP
I had been crossdressing when I since the age of 7, when I finally made the effort to quit aged 61. Physically I have done so. Mentally, like any addiction, it is a lot harder to do so. However, I note that you were a serviceman, as was I. So look back to your training and career. There were many things that you had to forgo and set aside and it took will power and training to achieve those goals. Traing yourself one step at a time, every time you get an urge, say NO and occupy yourself in another way. It gets easier the longer you are able to resist.
Dont despair, you are not alone.
I am so grateful for being led to this site. It has brought my husband and I information, resources and hope we desperately need right now.
Thank you for that feedback! Keep in touch and feel free to comment on any of my posts to have more discussion. I highly recommend you first read this post – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser/
Is there anyone I can talk too. I have never crossdressed but I have the urge to do so.
I emailed you Anakin
Have struggled with crossdressing for many years.
It started when I was fairly young when I had gotten my clothes very dirty and had to stay overnight with a female relative. It wasn’t planned, so I didn’t have any other clothes to wear. I took a bath and she started my clothes soaking. While she had my clothes in the laundry, she found me something to wear for the rest of the evening and to bed. She had no boy clothes for me, so when I got to the bedroom, I saw that the clothes she had laid out for me to wear were a pair of panties and a nightgown. I hadn’t tried on girl’s clothing before, but I put them on. It felt strange being dressed like a girl, but she acted like it was no big deal. The fabrics were so different to what I was used to wearing. The panties were stretchy nylon that fit me really well and the gown was a silky material. They felt nice and I liked wearing them better than my normal boy clothes. The next morning, my clothes weren’t ready yet, so I had to wear the panties and nightgown a bit longer. While waiting on my clothes, I went back to the bedroom I had slept in and started looking through the closet and drawers in the room and found a lot more girl’s clothing including skirts, dresses, shoes, and other things. I had a strange urge to try those girl’s clothes on. I took off the nightgown and put on a bra. I looked at myself in the mirror on the closet door and stuffed the bra with some socks and put on some girl’s nylon socks and started trying on clothes. I tried on skirts and tops and found some shoes that fit. I took that outfit off and tried on some dresses. I must have lost track of time, because it didn’t seem like it was very long before she came into the room with my clothes. I felt like I had been caught doing something I shouldn’t have been doing, but again she acted like it was nothing and told me I looked very pretty. I didn’t hear many positive things as a child and had low self-esteem, so that made me feel good. She told me my clothes were ready, so I could change into them, or I could play in the girl’s clothes as long and I didn’t get them dirty. I should have stopped right then, but I liked the way those girl’s clothes felt and feeling pretty, so I kept wearing girl’s clothes and enjoyed spinning around to watch the skirt flare out. I stayed dressed as a girl all day and didn’t put on my own clothes until she told me my mom was coming to pick me up. I felt sad having to dress in my own clothes, but did. I left hoping I’d be able to stay overnight with her again.
I would never blame her for my sins, but it might have helped if she had discouraged my dressing instead of allowing me to do it and affirming it.
Back home, I sneaking in my sister’s room and looking at her clothes. She had some of the same type of nylon panties and socks I had worn before, so I borrowed some. I wearing her panties and socks, and she had some other clothes that fit me, so I began secretly wearing her skirts and dresses. Our feet were similar in size, so I practiced walking in heels. I liked dressing like a girl but also felt ashamed about doing it and sneaking around and was always worried about getting caught. I didn’t have a lot of friends and the friends that I had were girls. I remember having thoughts that life would have been easier for me if I was a girl. I seemed to feel better about myself when I was wearing girl’s clothing. I don’t know if my sister suspected anything or knew what I was secretly wearing her clothes, but she surprised me one day by asking me to play dress up with her. I tried to act like I wasn’t really interested in doing it, but finally agreed like she had talked me into it, but it was something I didn’t like. She kept giving me outfits to try on and some wigs I wasn’t aware my mom had that were located. She put makeup on me and when I was all dolled up, she told me how pretty I looked. When mom got home, she introduced me as her friend and gave a girl’s name. My mom only smiled and said he looks cute.
When I did stay with the female relative again, I had a change of clothes and clothes to wear to bed, but she left that same nightgown I had worn before on the bed. Instead of wearing the clothes I brought, I wore that nightgown again and panties to wear with it.
My sister got older and stopped wanting to play dress up with me, but I continued dressing alone in secret and would save clothes and shoes that she didn’t want and added them to my secret pile of girl’s clothing. Dressing like a girl became a game and I was dumb and didn’t think I would get caught and started taking risks including wearing my sister’s panties full time. It didn’t last long because my mom, while taking care of the laundry, noticed that my sister was using a lot more panties than she should have been and an almost empty drawer and I didn’t have any underwear in the laundry, but an almost full drawer of underwear. My mom looked at me, and to confirm her suspicions, she had me pull down my shorts in front of her and pull my shirt up. She saw I was wearing my sister’s panties. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I looked at my sister. My sister didn’t seem mad, but was more in shock as she stared at me wearing her panties like she didn’t believe what she was seeing was really happening. I was severely punished in front of my sister and told never to wear her panties again.
I lived in fear that my sister would tell everyone her brother had been wearing her panties, but she didn’t. She and my mom acted like it never happened. I tried to stop wearing girl’s clothes, but felt a lingering urge to dress as a girl all the time. I saved some more clothes she was throwing out and found some pairs of panties with small rips in them. I gave into the urge and began wearing panties again, but limiting it to only those clothes she wouldn’t miss and not the ones in her drawer or closet. I foolishly felt I was in total control and could stop at anytime.
Dressing up was no longer the innocent game and took a darker turn with the hormones of puberty. Instead of dressing up for fun, dressing up began with admiring the illusion of the pretty girl in the mirror I could turn into, but ended with masturbation. The pleasure didn’t last long and I felt sick and ashamed and dirty for doing that. I would quickly remove my makeup and undress out of my female clothing and worry about getting caught. A few times, I didn’t have time to shower and was worried my mom or sister would smell the lady’s perfume or girl’s deodorant I would wear. I tried to fight the urge to dress and was sometimes successful, but sometimes it was almost as if I had no control like I was possessed and what happened after I started dressing was a blur until I had finished. I had very nasty sexual thoughts while dressed as a girl that were thoughts I never had while dressed as a boy. Some of those nasty thoughts were about me being both the girl who was getting taken against her will as well as her rapist, and I would use my sister’s tampons on myself while masturbating to live out those filthy thoughts.
It got worse after that with even nastier thoughts and actions that I shamefully was involved in. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone about what I was doing, because it was so nasty, and I didn’t fully understand why I was doing it myself. I knew I was sickened by what I was doing and what I had become. I threw out all of the female clothing I had and tried to stop.
I was able to stop for several months, but the urge to dress never faded and only seem to get stronger along with thinking about shaving my legs. I fought those urges, and even had them my legs all soaped up a few times with a women’s razor in my hand, but stopped myself. My sister had gotten a few bottles of hair removing lotion to use instead of shaving, and I got a strange urge to have bare legs and quickly put it on my legs and under my arms one night on impulse. I left it on for several minutes, but then worried about the consequences of what I was doing to myself and filled the bathtub. By the time I had rinsed it off, it was too late and my hair was gone. If I would have used a razor, I could have stopped myself. I felt sick at what I had done, but it was done. Seeing and feeling my smooth bare feminine looking legs, I wondered what they would look like in a skirt and dress, and I was soon was completely dressed in my sister’s clothes. It ended like it always had before with me feeling ashamed and nasty. I had to wear long pants for a long time, so no one would see my bare legs, but using Halloween as cover, I went out dressed as a girl showing off my legs to people in an area I didn’t go to. Where I lived, I worried about getting caught again before my hair grew back, but there for some reason didn’t bother me as much. My sister saw me that night coming back home and told me great costume. I felt sick she had seen me dressed like that, but I didn’t stop. I continued crossdressing and got more female clothing and used her hair removing lotion again and shaved a few times.
I purged all of my female clothing again and stopped crossdressing for a long time, but again the temptation was always there. And though it didn’t last, I felt better about myself when I was dressed in female clothes.
The cycle repeated many times. Sometimes, I was able to limit myself to only wearing panties and girl’s socks under my normal clothes, but other times the urge wouldn’t go away until I had fully dressed up. Sometimes I would get other thoughts about starting on hormones to alert my body to look more like a woman, but I have been able to resist those so far and they have passed, but have returned several times.
I hadn’t used illegal drugs, but I felt like an addict, and I still felt like it was something I couldn’t talk to anyone about. If I felt overwhelmed or depressed, I would escape into a childish game of crossdressing. I needed to grow up. The thought still comes to me sometimes that life would have been better for me if I was a girl instead, but I tell myself it would have been better if I would have never started crossdressing in the first place. I never was in control of the addiction and instead had let it control me.
I searched for help to stop crossdressing, but most sites only help start or continue crossdressing.
I was glad to find your site and its encouragement. I hope to be able to fully stop one day and no longer have any urges whatsoever. It seems like this crossdressing addiction is a mental issue, but with the nasty thoughts it has brought that I don’t think I could ever thought up myself, is a demonic attack as well.
W, your story is not uncommon and is similar to most of the guys at this site. Surely crossdressing is a destructive addiction that can terrorize and consume your whole life. There is hope though! Change and freedom is possible. I encourage you to keep reading my posts at this site. Perhaps start with these two:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/integration-and-contentment/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/12-steps-to-stop-crossdressing/
I find it odd that your site is called “Healing From Crossdressing.” I have been trying on women’s clothes since I was 11 years old and no one heaped more shame, more hate, and more contempt upon me than so-called “Christian” groups that are supposed to show the love of Christ. I find it to be an irony that you focus on something so petty as someone trying on clothes when there are worse problems in the world inflicted on it by the church and Christians, and so-called “Christian” politicians that are clearly not. Your priorities are messed up.
George, thank you for your comment. I’m glad you took time to comment so that we could dialogue and so you can hopefully better understand this website. While you may not have seen any problem with crossdressing yourself, surely if you take some time to google and read crossdressing forums, or read crossdressing blogs, you will see that many have found crossdressing to be an unwanted addiction that consumes their lives, and you will see that many have lost marriages or jobs over it. Even sites the encourage crossdressing like crossdressers.com have numerous threads in which crossdressers talk about this.
I built this website first and foremost to help myself but also to help others who also wanted to give up crossdressing. I have no desire to add shame to anyone or hate anyone. I have no desire to make crossdressing illegal. I have no desire to spread hate or intolerance. I’m here to give assistance to those who out of their own freewill do not want to crossdress anymore but have difficulty stopping. If you think I’m promoting hate or shame, then you have to take a little more time to read what I’ve actually wrote on this website. That’s not my goal at all. I’m sorry for what you have experienced from Christian groups. Christians, like all people, do not live up to God’s standards and do not love God and other people as fully and completely as we should. I know I can do better myself. That’s why I’m grateful for the grace God has shown to me in Jesus Christ.
I’d encourage you to read one of my posts to start with. This one is written from a general perspective (not getting into my Christian faith), and you may begin to understand why some people think crossdressing brings confusion in their identity rather than wholeness. https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/integration-and-contentment/
Your very name as “healing” is a contradiction. As a crossdresser, I don’t view it as an addiction. I hold a degree in psychology, and have a background in addictions therapy, and crossdressing is not that. And “gender dysphoria” as it has been classified by the DSM-IV has been taken way out of context by religious communities. Sometimes, I wear panties. Sometimes, I wear a skirt. Sometimes I wear pants. It doesn’t matter. What matters is how I love God, my neighbors, and the world around me. This legalistic bs you’re obsessed with is taking all the beauty out of life, and turning you into a fanatic that is no different the the nuts the crashed planes into buildings on 9/11. All because of what some dude decided to wear. And you don’t use your real name. Spineless.
George, it’s easy to come here and cast judgment without really reading what I’ve written. If you are so sure I’m wrong, instead of insulting me, why don’t you read what I’ve written and engage with it and point out where I’m wrong? For all the love you are espousing, you don’t speak in a very loving way, accusing me of being like terrorists because I’m desiring to help people who actually want my help. One of the problems in the world today is that “love” is defined very differently by different people. I think using your free time to insult people you don’t know, without being willing to listen and dialogue in the slightest, calling them fanatics without actually knowing what they believe, and calling what they believe BS without actually having read it, is a strange way to think about loving your neighbor.
I have read much of what you have written (under an assumed name, because you don’t want people to know that you harbor weird desires). You say you built this website to help yourself, and your own “healing.” It doesn’t sound like you’ve been “healed” at all. It sounds like you’re looking for a rationalization to make yourself feel better about something you’ve convinced yourself is this vile terrible thing. I assure you, it is not. It’s a joyous, lovely thing that makes you different and unique from other people. It is a gift God has given you to cherish and enjoy. And “love” is not defined by different people in different ways. You either care for people and show them compassion, respect, dignity, honor, and reverence. Your articles fail to do that. Indeed, most of the “Christian” community fails to do that while professing to “love” Christ so much. They take rights away from people they disagree with. They force people to live in disgrace because they are different, all the while forgetting the fact that God is a very creative artist.
I wholeheartedly agree with the need and the call to love everyone, and believe this can only be done from a humble stance before a holy God. I think the mistake we humans often make is we try to fit God into our finite understanding. When we do this, Since we cannot rose to God’s holiness, we replace parts of his holy nature with our mortal, finite, vastly imperfect nature. Yes, we are to love all, but that doesn’t mean we call all good. We can love as one destitute beggar loving another. It’s a tough but narrow path to love without compromising God and who he is.
George, I’m not a Christian, not even sure I believe in God, but I am desperate to eliminate this perversion from my life. Not because the bible says it’s a sin, but mainly because it distorts my sense of who I am. The current zeitgeist is to label us ‘transgender’ and urge us to be ‘proud’. This site has been a godsend (maybe literally) for me, clearly, calmly and logically stating and explaining the opposite position. Whatever your beef with most Christians, to me your post seems unfair to Barnabas. I wonder if you’re really as comfortable with CD as you assert ?
Hello Barnabas, my own story , after reading recent comments I needed to affirm your most wonderful Godly ministry. The first thing I want to say , is All ( and I mean ALL) True Christians Do Apologize for the so called Christians ( they are not Christians ) who show hate to crossdressers , God assures punishment to all who people who hate and one who hates is Transgressing what Jesus taught , we are commanded to hate all sin Only .I have struggled with This Very Beautiful Sin Myself and keep resisting because I am Guaranteed by the Gods Word that I will Not enter the Kingdom of Heaven if I live in or harbor that sin even mentally because it’s listed as the Effeminate Sin . BUT BUT I Really Don’t Know how a Non Christian can stop crossdressing or would want to because there is No Logical Reason not to cd.God is SO Pure and He dwells in Unapproachable Light . Only Being in and Under the protection of Jesus Christ saved can I enter Heaven.
The Bible says JESUS Will Forgive All Sin Only If one repents , turns from It and stops.Thank you, Reformedps . I have personally seen the most Hate from crossdressing evangelists when a crossdresser questions himself CD ing.
Thanks for the comment Reformed. It’s good to hear from you. Only let me disagree with you on one point. I think there are a lot of reasons even non-Christians would want to give up crossdressing, once they really look at it carefully and see it for what it is. Some ideas here – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/summary-reasons-crossdressing-is-sinful-harmful/
Hi Barnabas , I only was speaking from my own viewpoint having read many blog comments by married guys like me if I was a non Christian . If I found out one of my non Christian friends trans dressed I would not abandon our friendship because I understand . Maybe that person might come to Jesus one day.
It could be that many guys that cd if they didn’t , would be great spiritual saints for Christ and Satin knows this , when you read the blog comments by married guys who cd , I have found they are usually kind caring likeable people .
Reformed
Hi Barnabas – I’ve seen it “for what it is” – Familiar Spirit temptation – When I see the Old Familiar Spirit of cd-ing femininity trying to affect me at 2:00 am , I listen to a message from a well known Reformed or Baptist Preacher online and the he//she spirit flees from me , just like the Word says , and I expect soon I’ll never see the he//she familiar sensuality spirit again and I Hope to lose all feminine sensuality knowledge and replace it with continuous consciousness of the Holy Spirit . Reformed
Hi Barnabas, Wives should know there is tremendous support on the Web for being Gender Fluid , (presenting / dressing as a man and or a woman when one desires) by Very well seasoned evangelists who give friendship and camaraderie support , and are for the most part very caring nice people , so be Warned , this is growing at great speed . I think in the future we will see trans dressing men commonly everywhere because All the Media will Hugely PUSH and Support this . The conservative church ( which is a Tiny minority ) are truly Pilgrims on a Dangerous Journey now to the Celestial City , because the Real church has Gender Fluidity trying to infiltrate it as being normal .Thank God for your ministryReformed
I have struggled with this problem for over 50 years now. I can relate to the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and remorse. I have made some progress recently putting all of this behind me. Many times in the past I have been able to curve this behavior for a few months only to return to it again. I have done much research over the years on what causes this and what I can do about it and everything I’ve learned seemed to indicate that it is just something that I have to live with and I’ll never be free from this problem, there is no “cure” for this I’ve learned over and over again. Yesterday, I was tempted again and I prayed for some direction. I turned on my computer and typed “How I quit crossdressing” into the search engine even though I had already spent hours unsuccessfully searching for any solution to this problem. The first link in the search results was to your website and I spent the next few hours reading the material on the site and learning finally that there is a solution to this problem, it’s not an easy one but few things in life that are worthwhile are easy, From your site I learned that others have indeed conquered this problem and I just need to be as determined as they were and believe me I am determined and committed to put this problem behind me for good. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing all of this information and for renewing my confidence that I can and will put this all behind me once and for all. May God bless you!
John, it’s great to hear from you. Glad to know that the search engines are finding this site too! There is great hope. You can experience real change. If you want to stop, you can. You have freewill. And there are many good reasons to stop. I can’t promise you won’t still have desires to crossdress, but they can be managed. Here is a post to get you started – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/12-steps-to-stop-crossdressing/
And you could think about joining our prayer group – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
Although I have kept my intermittent crossdressing hidden for better than fifty years, I finally made the mistake of forgetting to put up my shoes and my wife saw them. Since I am not keen on lying to my wife (I simply never told her about my “habit” when we met), I told her that I was a crossdresser. It did not go well at all and now I am finding myself in need of finding a way to stop doing it, which most sites insist is not likely and because she has furiously been looking up information about it, is convinced that I have a “fetish” that I can’t ever really quit.
I’m telling you right up front that I am not seeking any “saving” or “divine intervention” because I am an agnostic and have generally had success in getting over prior upheavals with life by simply using my own power to make changes. Please don’t lecture me about “pride” and such – I am aware of all that as I was raised Catholic and had plenty of instruction about biblical stories and religious teachings.
That said, giving up crossdressing permanently has not been so easy. I had not done it for several years after I met my wife seventeen years ago, but the urge returned a couple years ago and I began doing it again. I have found the act of crossdressing relaxing and somewhat validating. But I love my wife more than anything and want to save our relationship and I am pretty sure that if I continue crossdressing that may not be possible.
So I do want to thank you for this article and not getting overly preachy about its presentation, which would have turned me off immediately. I’m going to give this method a try. I’ve already purged my female clothes and am looking forward (with some trepidation, I will admit) to some hopeful success.
Bart, thank you for the comment. Don’t worry, even if you are not a Christian you are still very welcome here. I’d be glad to help you stop crossdressing. After such a long time of practicing crossdressing it’s going to be difficult to stop. I’m sure it’s ingrained in your system. But it’s still possible to stop. I think it would help you to have more motivation to stop than simply because your wife wants you to. Please read these two posts which should really stimulate your thinking. Feel free to not engage with the religious parts of the posts if you don’t want to. The first post is not religious at all, and was written exactly for people like you. I think you will find that many of the strategies I talk about can be used by you even if you are not a Christian.
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/integration-and-contentment/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/summary-reasons-crossdressing-is-sinful-harmful/
If you want to understand yourself better here is a good book to read – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/book-recommendation-the-man-who-would-be-queen/
Hi Barnabas , I have noticed in the pro crossdressing Blogs that many are coming to crossdressing in their late 50s to 60s , a time when testosterone is getting lower , and are being Greatly Mislead by the Nice crossdressing evangelist blogs ( as I was ) to pursue this activity which they have resisted most of their life , to be as they say “what they were meant to be” , a Great Lie , it’s a time in life to be aware and alert of Satan’s wiles . The Good News is I have found Jesus will Completely remove and cleanse all the CD desires completely if one Earnestly seeks Him in a Life of Prayer , all interest to CD sin goes back to the pit where it belongs .
Thank you for the comment Reformed. I think in many cases crossdressing was always there, but was suppressed by these men and it comes out later sort of as a midlife crisis. I was just watching a youtube video on this by a non-Christian who was saying the same thing. Perhaps when sex is good in marriage in the younger years, they are more able to resist the crossdressing temptations, but then later they explode. But also, suppressing the desires, rather than acknowledging them and dealing with them, is a bad idea.
I also find my hope in this in Jesus Christ. But I differ from you in that I don’t think he has promised to remove all sinful desire from me right now, not until he returns again and makes me new. In the meantime, the Bible teaches that we struggle and fight against sinful desires every day. For me, that includes crossdressing. I have healed a lot, so almost every day there is not a single thought of crossdressing, but periodically I have a strong temptation that I have to resist. That’s part of the Christian life, but when we rely on the Holy Spirit to help us, and focus on Christ, we can resist those temptations when they do come.
Hi Barnabas
I was wondering if you could set up a page/blog for want of a better term “confessions”.
I say this as at the moment I am struggling with forced cd fantasies (if I wake up in the middle of the night for instance) and bored in lock down have watched a few bondage videos on line.
I am not seeking an area for being forgiven or pardoned or even counselled, just a safe area to blow off steam and vent our feelings. Where we can say what is on our minds without receiving banalities or condemnation.
Keith
Thank you Keith, I’m considering your idea. I have emailed you. In the meantime, you may consider creating a topic in our forum for just what you suggest – https://forum.healingfromcrossdressing.org/
Must admit hadn’t thought of that, sounds good.
Thanks
Keith
Here is a link to a 12 step process videos that my church uses for addiction. They have helped me in many ways.
One thing I am very scared about is having girls and them wanting to paint my nails or dress sons up like girls. Could you do an article about that? I get worried I might become weak if that happens and then go overboard.
Jared, I don’t have too much to say about that. If you do good work in your recovery from crossdressing addiction, then when such a situation comes up, you will not only have the easy ability to say “no” to it, but you won’t want to do it either. I encourage you to keep working on your own recovery and keep reading my posts.
If your girls ever want to dress your sons like that, you can not make a big deal out of it, but gently tell them not to do it. And if they do it, don’t flip out over it, remember that their motivations are different than yours, kids dress up just for fun, which is quite different from us doing it for sexual pleasure. I’d be uncomfortable having boys play dress up like that too, but if you overreact, it could cause more problems.
Thank you for your site it a blessing to see the help and support. Everyday people push the agenda not knowing the struggle and pain of cross dressing and the hurt and regret that comes with it. But though Gods grace and mercy he can rise you back up again if you tust and believe him.those who trust in the lord will find new strength.
Thank you for all you do on this site.It is a much needed issue that needs to be addressed cross dressing is seen as innocent in the beginning but can take down a dark depression fast. Especially for a anyone who has a true relationship with God..How can I help others if I’m still struggling in my faith ?
Thankful, have you already given up crossdressing, or something that you are considering?
Dear Thankful , God’s word is very clear , if one is adopted by Jesus and receives the Holy Spirit , Jesus will not lose you , He will chastise and punish and cause a dark depression if necessary to keep us on the Narrow Path . I believe Satin especially uses crossdressing to trip up Sensitive True Christians to keep them ineffective .
I have a question. I am dealing with a lot on this issue. I used to be a cross dresser until the start of this year. As a young guy I would secretly try on my sisters’ and mother’s clothing to achieve that “high” that I was seeking. As I got older it happened occasionally but I was able to acquire my own clothes to wear. Now I am thankfully working towards a strong relationship with the Lord and I haven’t done any dressing for several months now. However, I constantly feel guilt for what I’ve done. My sisters and mom don’t know anything about this part of my life as far as I know because I was very very careful to return things where they belonged and didn’t get them dirty. I feel we have a good relationship but I’m constantly plagued by the feeling that I need to apologize and confess to them my mistakes. However, I fear that if I do our relationship will be hurt and my old sins will hurt them. I don’t want them to ever have to look at their little brother with disgust and have to deal with feelings of anger because of something I did. I pray and pray asking God what I need to do but all I ever feel is guilt and don’t know what else to do. I feel like my brain is so clouded by the guilt that I can’t properly hear God speaking to me. I have confessed this stuff to other friends but talking with my family is tough because I don’t want them to see me as the monster I was. I found this site shortly after I got saved and turned my life over to God so I figured maybe you could help me. I’m praying to find some insight from other Christians who have dealt with letting go of the past and how to handle the guilt associated with it.
Thank you for any responses.
Hopeful, thank you so much for the question. I’m sorry that you are so plagued by guilt. There is freedom in Christ! Have faith in the promises of Christ that you have believed in. Sometimes our faith is weak and we remain wallowing in guilt. We must believe the good news of the Gospel, that our sins are no more, the guilt is removed, the blemish is erased, the weight is removed, we are forgiven, our punishment is gone, and Christ’s righteousness has been given to us! Please read this post – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/no-condemnation/
The desire to tell your family members what you’ve done I relate to very much. I haven’t done so, other than that my wife knows all about my CD past, but I still sometimes think about telling other family members. I think your desire is probably a mixture of a noble purpose – wanting to be a person who tells the truth, someone who is not a fraud or hypocrite, but also an ignoble purpose, wanting to do a sort of penance or self-atonement for the bad stuff you have done. You have to ask yourself what would be good and helpful for them, and for the relationship you have with them? Would telling them ultimately be a selfish thing just to make yourself feel less bad about what you’ve done, because at least you’ve told them? Or are you telling them so that they help you continue to fight cd, and because you want them to know you fully, everything about you, and still love you? It takes some time to sort out your feelings and motives.
Telling them might be the right thing to do, but guilt is probably not the right motivation, unless of course are you still sinning and misusing their clothes, rather than it just being something in the deep past. God calls us to be people of the truth, but that doesn’t mean that we have to purposefully go out and share our most intimate details with everyone. The case of CD sin is a bit tricky because they don’t even feel hurt. It’s one thing to confess to someone for let’s say, stealing something from them, and they felt bad about their loss, but never knew who to blame. But this case is a bit different, because they are clueless about it, and have felt no pain. By telling them, you will be giving them pain, not taking it away. That doesn’t mean it is the wrong decision, but it’s something to consider.
Unrelated to this, I’d love for you to join our prayer group to get continued help to stay away from crossdressing, and also to help you sort through issues like this.
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
Hi Hopeful
My CD came out with my first wife after we mere married and caused tremendous problems for us both. I made sure that I told my other wives first, then they had a choice to continue or break off the relationship. My children have no idea that I was a CD. They are thirty something adults with lives and problems of their own, they do not need me to increase their emotional load. I personally view the guilt and shame as mine and mine alone to live with, in many ways fear of them finding out keeps me on the straight and narrow. If i told them now they would have no choice but to live with my revelation, whether they chose to disown me or accept the situation, the knowing cannot be undone.
I would think very hard about what your Mother and Sisters would have to deal with should you tell them your secret. That this knowledge will affect your relationship with them in someway, is with out doubt.
live well
Hello Barnabas, thank you so very much for this website ! I’m not a Christian, but the conversations here make more sense to me than almost anything else I’ve read on-line or in the psychological literature or on transgender theory. In spite of my wife’s complete acceptance of my perversion and a psychoanalyst who is clearly sympathetic to transgender theory, I have exhausted every avenue to be cured. One thing that seems to be helping is prozac. While I resisted any medication for many years, my therapist suggested it might help with my anxiety. Completely unexpectedly, it eliminated my desire to CD ! It worked for two months before I foolishly stopped, thinking it might have been a permanent cure. Resuming medication, it didn’t work the same way, not even at the maximum dosage. Now I am back to the psychiatrist to try other SSRIs. Will send updates …
Hello On Drugs
(I was going to say Hi On Drugs, but that just sounded bad)!
As Barnabas has mentioned in his reply there are all sorts on his wonderful site, i personally am an atheist and have been made very welcome.
I read your post with interest. A fully accepting wife is the average CDs dream and extremely rare I would imagine. I told my wife before marriage and she accepted but did not really want to know nor see. It is my own fear of exposure, guilt and shame that have driven me to combat my CD. I have briefly been to see a counsellor which allowed me to let of some steam and guilt but was not any use in halting CD.
You say you have exhausted every avenue to get cured, but I have found the only successful route (for me) is cold turkey. There is no doubt that this is hard, but successful. I am on my second round of this fight, having been clear for three years, then slipped back into CD at the start of Covid lockdowns (there is always an excuse isn’t there). The good things about cold turkey is that it is quick acting, does not involve any drugs and unless you reach out for help (as we both are, for we are here) it involves no one else. The other good thing is it cost nothing financially, but I have to admit at first it costs a lot emotionally…. that does tail of and is probably less than the guild and shame.
good luck
“Hi On Drugs” – That’s really funny ! Actually, Prozac is just the opposite, it makes me feel flat and almost deadened sometimes, but ‘more real’, if that makes any sense.
Believe me, I’ve tried cold turkey my whole life, but it always failed ultimately and it’s almost as bad to be thinking about CD all the time – it exhausts my mental energy. Admittedly my shame and fear made any idea of “accountability partners” inconceivable. It was very difficult to even come out to my various therapists. I did not tell my wife voluntarily – she found a dress I had failed to conceal, after decades of marriage with my secret intact til then.
Barnabas, thanks for all those links – OCD, definitely ! I will read those articles with great interest.
As of now, I’m back on a moderate dose of Prozac, and have had no desires for a month now … this time I’ll stay on it, but my psychiatrist will be prepared with another SSRI if it stops working. In spite of some side effects, it’s wonderful to be free of temptation. God works in mysterious ways …. he gave humans the intelligence to discover drugs …
The wife finding a dress is definitely an ouch moment, I can guess how you felt, because I know how I would feel in that situation. Very painful for both sides.
I agree with the constant thought barrage, though as my wife knew about my CD before marriage I can tell her if I am having a really rough time, with out recriminations – its the secrecy that she does not like.
However, glad to hear that the Prozac is working for you, keep up the good work… I look here once a week or so happy to be another ear to Barnabas’s fantastic ones!
Hello again, thanks for the update. Just a quick note. You said you are not a Christian, but mentioned God working in mysterious ways. As a Christian, I believe that with full seriousness. And I believe God does work healing in us through drugs many times. What are drugs anyway? They are compounds gathered from this world which God has made. When God created the world, he told people to keep it, manage it, steward it, and work in it. As people study this world that God has made (and science is possible because the world is orderly and consistent, made by an intelligent designer), people can discover good uses of things in God’s creation which we can use to develop our lives, or make us healthier, psychologically or physically. I think in the US, drugs are overused and people over-rely on them in sometimes unhealthy ways. But generally I think drugs and medicine are a great resource that God has provided to us to use, through the creation he has made, and the intelligence he has given us to study and understand his creation, and create new things from it.
Update: This time, the Prozac stopped working after 10 weeks. That was the longest period of time that I was completely free of any urge to CD since I’ve been keeping track, but still very discouraging, of course. It’s not 100% clear to me whether my brain became habituated to the Prozac (or to high serotonin levels) in general, or whether only the perversion broke through. So now I taper off the Prozac, wait a month or two for it to completely clear my body, then have my psychiatrist try a different SSRI. That was actually my plan a few months ago, but I had decided to first give Prozac a second try. Will update again when I have anything relevant to report.
Thank you for the update. I do wonder though, if prozac helped reduce the desire, is that not enough? Do you need to find something that completely eliminates the desire for CD, or just enough that you can easily have self-control?
just to clarify – The drop in efficacy over time is a common problem often seen with SSRIs such as Prozac.
It’s great to hear from you! You are very welcome here. I would love to share with you more about my Christian faith, but even if you are not interested in hearing about that, you are very welcome here. In this community, we have Christians, people of other religions, and atheists. All are welcome.
I have no experience at all of taking drugs for crossdressing. But on that topic, here are two posts, one by me, and one a guest post by Don, that might interest you or help you as you keep talking to doctors and psychiatrists.
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/book-recommendation-the-paraphilias/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/guest-post-dons-testimony-anti-androgen-medication/
There is also some evidence pointing to OCD medications helping with crossdressing if I remember correctly. https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/ocd-connection-to-crossdressing/
If you find a good solution to help you with your psychiatrist, please come back and update us, and maybe you can write a guest post about your experience.
I do think it is very possible to stop crossdressing even without medication. By far, most of us in this community who have stopped, have done so without any medication. I also think taking medication alone is probably not sufficient in many cases. There is need for accountability, for understanding yourself better, for safeguards, etc. For more practical ideas that can help you, you can read this post. Some of the points have to do with a relationship with God, which I hope you will still read, but you may be more interested in the other practical tips.
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/12-steps-to-stop-crossdressing/
Thank you for appreciating my site. If you have other crossdressing forums you’ve engaged in in the past, please recommend my site to others.
After several rounds with Prozac over the last few years, I can say that for me Prozac alone does not stop my urges, even though it mostly kills my sex drive. What has worked twice is that Prozac seems to extend my occasional periods of normalcy. Since I started keeping a log a few years ago, these periods of normalcy arise spontaneously, and usually last only a few days. At most, one or two lasted 5 weeks. When I started the Prozac during one of these normal periods, it lasted longer, at least 2 months. Then 10 weeks the next attempt. So naturally I’m desperate to understand how some similar approach might last indefinitely. As to your question on reduction vs elimination – when it’s working it completely eliminates the desire. I feel like a “regular” guy, and while I remember my transgressions, they make no sense to me. the gradations occur only when the effect starts wearing off gradually.
Interesting. Thank you for the updates. We will look forward to continuing to hear what you find out, trying out different strategies…
Please pray for my family and me. My husband kept this secret from me for over 10 years. I’ve know for about a year. He has no desire to stop. We have sons. I am living in a nightmare. Counseling is not helping. I am so glad I found your site. It gives me hope that maybe he will stop.
ER, I will pray right now. Everything your husband finds in mainstream culture assures him that there is nothing wrong with what he does. It’s a hard battle to change that mindset to see the harm it causes. This post gets into the harms. https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/summary-reasons-crossdressing-is-sinful-harmful/
But don’t run right away to tell him all of these problems. Maybe you have done this listening already, but start by being a good listener and letting him explain why he does what he does. Then maybe in future you can gently discuss some of these issues with him. He needs to be helped to see things from other points of view. Unfortunately many crossdressers are blinded and refuse to even listen to other points of view. However, let’s have hope. God is powerful enough to change people’s hearts.
I invite you to join this group also to be in touch with other wives who are struggling as you are – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/private-wives-group/
UPDATE: After a long stretch, in March 2022, another episode of normalcy began, so I started on Zoloft. This time, freedom from urges lasted only about a month. Very disappointing. So I gave up. No current plans for another try.
I also had a side effect – a couple of days of severe depression, which scared my therapist but didn’t worry me. But I did have to soldier on through it.
Sorry to hear that. Thank you for giving us the update. What is your plan now? When you say you gave up, do you mean gave up on Zoloft? Or you gave up on meds completely now? Or gave up on trying to stop crossdressing?
No plan right now. I meant that I’ve given up on further experimentation with SSRIs, as the promising effects don’t last, and my initial optimism has not been borne out. If I read about any promising new approaches, I’ll be sure to explore further …
Have you read the book freedom starts today overcoming struggles and addictions one day at a time? My problem with a I need an accountability partner and due to shame lack of understanding and the fact that some parts of society go the other way and celebrate this I don’t know who or how to ask.
Ready to stop, it’s good to hear from you. Thank you for your comment. I would love to help you in getting the help you need. Freedom from this is possible! I haven’t read that book. Is it a good one?
For looking for an accountability partner, I’d encourage you to read these posts first:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/how-do-i-tell-my-wife-a-friend-or-a-pastor-about-my-crossdressing/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/get-an-accountability-partner/
You can also get accountability in our online prayer group. We support each other, pray for each other, say tough things at times that we need to hear, and give advice. On top of that, a number of people have found 1on1 accountability partners through meeting other people in the group. You are welcome
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
My Epilog ,
Just for those of us guys who have completely turned our backs on this addiction and received forgiveness from Jesus and are completely done with it , we have seen the dark side of life because we left the sunny side enticed by the evil one . We have stronger faith because we have seen the face of evil .They say exorcists always have a kind of sadness because they have looked into the face of extreme evil in helping people .
We know all the excuses and all the reasons guys give , for a few of us our moms used the high estrogen drug for preventing miscarriages in the 50s to 60s and the SRY Gene , for others there is a massive amount of childhood psychological problems and for most the intense attraction to women and for women’s femininity but it doesn’t matter , it’s all used to enter this addiction and for an excuse to sin and to keep one from walking in the light away from the Gospel .
We have looked into the dark side of extreme evil and escaped and we have a responsibility to speak out Online against everyone in the whole transgenderism umbrella who promote and encourage this evil activity where crossdressing is the symptom .
Dear Barnabas,
I sincerely can’t thank you enough for the work that you do, and for making this website to begin with. I have been struggling with this demonic addiction ever since my early teens. I found this wonderful website last year and I have been a silent reader ever since, coming back whenever I have been in need of support or whenever I “relapsed”, so to speak.
Me discovering this website coincided with me discovering Christ, which I can only interpret as a sign, if nothing else.
I happen to have fallen quite far down the rabbit hole recently. I pray often for the strength to beat this horrible addiction, and for the strength to become a better man. I humbly ask for your prayers in this regard. If nothing else, thank you once again for the work that you do. Bless!
A, thank you so much for the appreciation. It is an encouragement that will keep me going.
Are you growing in your faith? Have you joined a church?
I’m sorry to hear about falling back into addiction. But relapses happen to many if us, if not most of us. But it doesn’t have to be something that sinks you back into guilt and shame, and the addictive cycle once again. You can come back out. Please read these posts if you haven’t already:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/resentment-compromise-and-escalation-failure-yet-we-rejoice-in-christ/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/persevere-its-going-to-be-a-long-struggle/
I will pray for you right now
Barnabas thank you. May God bless the work of your hands.
45 year old lifetime transvestite. My wife knows. She disapproves. She is praying.
My compulsion is out of control.
I cant stop the desire to look and feel like a beautiful woman. And the problem is I really do.
My question Barnabas, please dont think I’m being stupid but is this a demon ? Can I be delivered from this ?
Hello Natalie. You are welcome here. You are in the right place. In this community you will find people who can walk with you on this journey. If you want to quit crossdressing, it is possible. Change is possible. Healing is possible. It seems impossible right now, but many others have done so before you. Many of whom are in this blog community. You can come to enjoy the freedom of living a life without CD, and enjoy living as a man.
Your question about a demon is not at all stupid, many others have also asked. Here is my response – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/did-demons-cause-crossdressing/
I encourage you to keep reading my posts. You and your wife are both in a great deal of pain right now, but it is possible to get help, and to move forward, without this in your life.
For your wife, please invite her to this group for support – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/private-wives-group/
You described your crossdressing as a compulsion, and that it is out of control. It is decision time. Are you going to seek help to quit and live as the man you are, and thereby also reconcile with your wife? Or are you going to continue down the road of crossdressing, following the compulsions? I invite you to go through these posts as you think about that –
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/integration-and-contentment/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/summary-reasons-crossdressing-is-sinful-harmful/
Regardless of what you decide, even if you wish to continue crossdressing, you are welcome in this place. I hope you will keep in touch and keep the discussion going.
I will pray for you right now
Thank you Barnabas.
I’ve been lurking on this site for some time now. Not sure why I missed the “demon” article. I’ve read just about everything else and gained very much from it all.
Please continue to pray for me. The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective.
It’s been a very difficult time with my new business, home purchase etc.
But God is good. He’s never let me down. Just concerned that my cries for deliverance have gone unanswered
Natalie, have you read some of the blog posts on this site? What are your thoughts on them? To me, they’re spot on, shine a bright light on my deception and my rebellion, and call me to repentance and to hope. I think the same can happen for you! Praying now. Simon
I will continue to pray. Let me help to think about something. Maybe it is time to stop crying out for deliverance but rather crying out in repentance? Often, we keep giving in to our sinful desires, because we think we are powerless not to do the things that we want, that will bring pleasure. It’s not God’s responsibility to take away all of your sinful desires (though he will do that ultimately for those in Christ when Jesus returns and makes us new).
You (and many of us have done this), are crying out to God to ask him to take away what gives you pleasure. But what is required of us is to reckon with the fact that we desire something that is wrong, it is us who desires it, not God making us. It is our job to repent, and to ask for God’s forgiveness, and then for us to exercise self control. We like to look for shortcuts, that we will stop, only if God gives us a miracle of changing us so that we don’t desire the CD anymore.
Maybe you have not gone about trying to stop in the right way. Don’t wait for the desires to go away to stop. Confront the reality that you do desire this cd stuff, but that you are going to make the choice not to give in, even while part of you continues to desire it. That you are going to put God first, put your wife first, put obedience first, put a healthy life of freedom first.
Just something to think about, will pray for you.
Hello Barnabas,
I’ve come here from time to time looking for guidance in my own struggle with CD, but I’ve never posted before. I’m over 2 years “sober” from this struggle with no desire to continue it, but that’s obviously no guarantee that the desires can’t resurface anew.
I was recently in a lovely relationship with a God-fearing young lady who I accidentally revealed my former crossdressing past to when I commented on wearing a corset in the past in reference to something that we were watching. This of course triggered a long discussion full of crying and lots of questions, which I tried to answer as honestly as possible. I honestly didn’t realize how big of a deal it was to women, and I confess that I will probably never fully understand why it is such devastating news to women. I was not planning on hiding it from her, but I had frankly forgotten about the temptation and the thought to reveal it sadly didn’t pop into my head until after she had discovered the truth.
Unfortunately, after further discussion the following day, I got the news that I hope no one ever has to get – that my struggle was something she didn’t feel equipped to support me in and that we needed to break up.
My questions are these: 1) Is it wrong to be honest with a potential spouse about having a past that involved CD? and 2)Is there ever a right time/method to discuss these issues?
I care deeply about my ex-girlfriend and hate that my past has caused her emotional turmoil, even after I have resolved to give up the habit. I don’t want to hurt her or a future spouse, but I also don’t feel like it’s right to hide something like this from someone who is supposed to be there to support me, after God of course.
Josh first of all, it’s great to hear from you. I hope you will continue to read posts, will continue to dialogue on the various posts, and hope you will be able to overcome your addiction to crossdressing. It sounds like you are already doing well, as you talk about your “crossdressing past.” That is encouraging.
I’m sorry about what happened with your girlfriend. That is hard and painful. But yet, I don’t fault her for what she decided. It may be that she made the wrong choice. But with the way the world is going, and with what most people read online that crossdressing is impossible to give up (not true), it’s not surprising she made that choice. You ask if it is wrong to share. I don’t think so. Rather, I think it would be wrong not to share. I told my wife a few months into our marriage, and it went well. But I wish I would have told her before we got married, just because she deserved to know, and I feel I did wrong not to tell her before. In our case, it didn’t matter that I told her later, it didn’t cause any problem. But I think the right thing to do is to tell the person beforehand, so they can know the real you, and decide whether to marry you or not with all the right information. The reality is is that crossdressing is not just “something in my past” that you can completely forget about. It’s part of your story, and still affects who you are today, and what your struggles will be in the future.
It’s like if someone is in a wheelchair, or is a former alcoholic. The potential spouse has a right to know before stepping into the marriage. If someone refused to marry someone in a wheelchair just because of that, we would call them shallow, but it would be within their rights. Plus you, if you were the one in the wheelchair, would want to know that about your potential spouse beforehand. Of course some things will come into every marriage as surprises – new mental illnesses, car accidents causing injuries, etc. Nothing we can do about that, except to weather the new storms together and love each other well in whichever difficulties come. But that is a lot different than knowing there is a storm you will have to weather together, and purposefully keeping it a secret.
Here are some posts that I hope you will read that will help you to think more about this –
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/how-do-i-tell-my-wife-a-friend-or-a-pastor-about-my-crossdressing/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/telling-the-truth/
In the case of your girlfriend, I wonder how much of it is shock, and wonder whether she can still change her mind later, depending upon how deep your relationship with her already was. Perhaps the first post I shared above could help her.
A lot depends on how you frame the conversation. If you make it absolutely clear that it is something in your past, and you have accountability and friends helping you with temptations that come (though don’t promise perfection, you might still struggle), and that you fully and completely view CD as sinful and wrong, and never want to do it, that can make someone more able to handle the news that you share.
A person’s faith matters a lot. If someone has experienced God’s amazing grace for their own sin, and know their own repeated struggles with sin, then they will more likely accept your situation. Someone who is shallow in faith, and thinks that she herself has it all together and doesn’t struggle with her own sanctification, then she will likely not give you much grace or trust.
In other matters – please consider joining our prayer group if you have committed to giving up CD for sure – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
You have to be honest always.
As a wife with experience in these matters i can tell you that if a man told me he had Crossdressing in his life,past or present i would run for the hills.
That is my right in response to your issues and you must just accept and respect that. I am actually so pleased your girlfriend had the chance to make a choice. So well done for allowing her that.
I hope everthing works out for you.
feeling anxious
idk i first masturbated to heterosexual feelings
2 months ago
since than autogynephilia is very weak
things that used to turn me on before now do nothing
if i see a women wearing hot clothes it does’nt turn me on
i make out with my girlfriend
i loved the feeling
now i feel like i am supressing the thoughts
even though i am not
mostly turn by thought of making out with my girlfriend
or having sex
i am feeling like how these feelings got away in suddenly
Aditya, it sounds like things might be improving for you. Why are you feeling anxious?
i have noticed something when i search too much about this crossdressing thing it give me anxiety by reading other people story so i should stop doing that. so yeah thats the reason for anxiety
It can be discouraging reading about so many people who have given over fully to their addiction. But you could also try reading positive stories about people who have overcome their addictions – look under the Testimonies section here – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/links-resources/
Why do you consider crossdressing to be a bad thing? Without quoting that one verse that people take out of context that’s about Baal worship techniques just like the tattoo and piercings verses.
Thank you for the excellent question! I think it is wrong both because of what God teaches us, but also because there are many practical and logical reasons to think it is unhealthy and harmful. See my fuller explanation here – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/summary-reasons-crossdressing-is-sinful-harmful/
Crossdressing would still be wrong even without “that one verse.” But it is not about Baal worship, see my post here – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/deuteronomy-225/
So I’m a male who has sexual attraction to crossdressing. However I feel romantic attraction towards girls and sexual attraction to gay porn. I know I am not gay it’s just I think porn has skewed my attraction based on watching it too much. When I’m with a girl I feel attracted to them just not sexually and can’t get erections when I’m with them however when I don’t masterbate for a week my attraction to them comes back before going away when I break my streak.Was wondering if NoFAP is the solution to this as maybe if I quit porn my brain will reboot after 90 days (as they say) do you think this is a good idea and if not is there anything I can do to overcome this. Thanks!
Thank you so much for commenting here. I’m glad to be able to offer some help. First of all, my approach might be different from yours depending on your faith and relationship with God. For me, there are things I want to avoid completely because I believe they are wrong, and not how God intended things to be. For example, I want to resist all porn regardless of which type, always and forever. Do you have a relationship with God?
If you don’t, and you just want more general help, I’d still recommend giving up porn completely even if you don’t give up masturbation completely. Preferably you’d give up both though. Watch this – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTD_itXrR6E
and
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=IiJ4I57pnI4
You may also find these articles really helpful –
https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/brain-chemicals-and-porn-addiction/
https://harvestusa.org/can-you-re-wire-your-brain/#.YjB3ezVRWHs
Yourbrainonporn.com also have a tremendous amount of good resources for relearning new patterns for your brain.
As far as homosexuality, there are a few possibilities. One is that the nature of porn is that it can escalate into new types of things, including learning to be aroused by the newness of gay porn rather than heterosexual porn. Two, it could be that you are bisexual in your arousal patterns. Three, in autogynephilia there is a well known phenomenon of meta-attraction, by being with someone who makes you feel more like a woman you feel more turned on. So being with men, sexually or romantically, is a way to make you feel more like a woman, even if you are not actually attracted to that man. He is more of a prop. I wonder if that is what is happening with you with the gay porn. I never had a problem with porn so I can’t relate to that detail specifically.
Let’s keep talking. If you want more help, you can join one of our recovery groups – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/recovery-group/
I have quit porn and am 2 days clean as of right now. I know it will take a while. In the meantime I have a question. Did your sexual attraction towards women come back? And does quitting porn really rid you of fetishes. As I believe this is just a fetish for me. I highly believe I am not gay (even if I was I wouldn’t suppress it) it’s just I feel no attraction to men in the real world just in porn and I also saw a really attractive girl the other day and felt sexual attraction to them without getting an erection. Just wondering.
I have never desired to look at porn so I can’t answer that question specifically. But as far as autogynephilia competing with heterosexual attraction for real women, both exist alongside of each other for guys like us. But if you starve the autogynephilia you will naturally focus more on the heterosexuality.
Reading most of the guest posts and comments on this webiste, I have seen that many people have struggled with crossdressing for a very long time, most over 20-30 years. I am just 16 at the time of writing this, but I have unfortunately had a problem with this sin for a few years. I decided to quit last year, in september, and while i have not quit completely, i have cut down on it a lot.
However, my goal is to fully stop. I have relapsed about 10 times in the 2024, which is more than i expected so i feel ashamed about doing that. I don’t know why I even do CD in the first place. I don’t masturbate while doing it, so it’s not just for sexual pleasure.
I have made some progress, such as doing it less frequently, but still I feel very strong temptations. This summer vacation has been increasingly hard since I don’t have school and I have an insane amount of free time.
I really want to quit, and I have recently started reading the Bible and praying, yet I still have had relapses and strong urges. I know about Deuteronomy 22:5 and that God does not like crossdressing, yet sometimes I still do it. I also go to the gym, read books and do other self-improvement activities, but CD is still a huge problem and i really don’t know what to do anymore. I would really appreciate help to fix this huge problem in my life before it’s too late.
Thank you so much for reaching out. Do you have any gender dysphoria? Or do you think you are doing it for emotional comfort? https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/crossdressing-for-emotional-comfort/
Thinking back, I spent my first few years as a young man crossdressing without masturbation, but now I know looking back that I still had excitement and sexual pleasure, and sometimes erections. Could that be your case?
It’s great that you are working hard to quit now. Before your addiction gets too far and before CD becomes too much a part of your life.
I also think it’s great that you are reading God’s Word. Try to fight from a position of joy at God’s grace and love for you, rather than fighting from a position of shame.
Please keep in touch. When you tell me more about your situation, I can recommend more specific posts to read. Praying for you
Thank you for answering so quickly. Since you said that you want to hear more about my situation, I can share more about my crossdressing history.
I started doing it when I was about 7. But I wouldn’t really call this “crossdressing” as it was just me sometimes wearing my mom’s high heels or me wearing pink shirts etc. Not really that much.
At the age of 10, however, things changed. My family (me, my mom and dad) moved to the capital city of my country. This was a big change and I was sad to leave all of my friends and family behind. In the new school in the city it was a bit harder for me to fit in as I was not used to this new enviorment. Eventually I did find friends in the school, but still it was at this time that I got a bit back into crossdressing.
Again, this was nothing too much, I did it maybe once a week where I would wear a bra or high heels. But when I was 12, I discovered my mother’s closet where she kept all the dresses, skirts, stockings etc. This was the goldmine for me as I would go there and crossdress almost every day after school or when I was home alone.
It got worse and worse over time. Eventually I was wearing full outfits, including panties, using a bra with a sports bra over to imitate breasts, dresses, fake nails and jewelery.
This continued for about a year, but the absolute worst part started then i started high school. Because this is where I crossdressed every day. But in this new high school, I met a girl who was gay and I started talking to her. After some time, I told her about the fact that I was a crossdresser. She supported me crossdressing, and I regret telling her that to this day. But at the time it was good to have someone to talk to. She gave me tips and information on how to make good outfits among other things.
She also told me all this crap you hear about how you should “embrace crossdressing” and “its who you really are”. All this led me down a big rabbit hole and I slowly became more and more feminine. I had a crush at this time, but I understand why she rejected me now. I was too feminine. Although nobody else knew about my crossdressing beside that one person, it was clear that I was too feminine. I kept talking about how I want to paint my nails and how life is so simpler when you are a girl.
I really thought that I was trans and was planning on telling everyone about my crossdressing. It was becoming so bad that I even wanted to kiss a boy just so I could feel even more like a girl, despite me being straight.
This never happened and I am glad. I think God saved me before things got too out of control. Yet I do sometimes still relapse to this day, but nowhere near how it was before. My end goal is to stop this completely.
Well we are here for you. You could consider joining one of our recovery groups if you want help quitting.
Please keep reading my posts. Here is a place to start – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/12-steps-to-stop-crossdressing/
Are you a Christian?
Yes, I am Christian
Great! Consider joining our recovery group to get help from other guys. Keep reading my posts too
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
Hey, sorry I didnt get back to you after that last post on this page. I prefer praying to God alone and in church, rather than in a prayer group, sorry, but I appreciate that you asked.
The reason I am back on this website is to say that I had another relapse. Just minutes before writing this I had a relapse. I was fighting temptations since the weekend(about 6 days ago) and everything was going good. This was actually the best I’ve ever fought against temptation as usually I would fail within the first 2 days. I was super proud of myself, but today it happened.
My initial thought today was the temptations were so strong, that I will do it just for 10min for them to go away and then I will stop. This is because I’ve heard that the best way to deal with addictions is to slowly tone it down, which I was trying to do here.
But sadly, 10min turned into 1 hour, and not only that, i ended up, well, ejaculating. However I acutally didnt want this. I did not masturbate. I just laid on my bed and it happened by itself. I feel absolutely terrible now. I dont understand why I would do this.
At least the temptations are gone now, and they will be for another month, but I feel so bad about myself at the moment.
The thing is, I know they will come back after about a month, it always happens. But that time I will be prepared. So i have a few questions:
1.How long do these periods of temptation last. I fought for almost a week before i relapsed, but they seemed never ending?
2. How long did it take you to quit? I stopped in september of last year, but I still had a lot of failures.
3. What should I do while experiencing these temptations? I tried everything: Praying, Meditating, playing video games to distract myself, and i constantly told myself how bad I would feel afterwards, yet I still failed.
I just wanted to add to this, because I need to let this out. I feel horrible at the moment, so I need to let go of these feelings. I always feel bad after crossdressing, but never this bad.
I think this is due to the fact that before in my life(the last couple of years), I used crossdressing as sort of an escape. I was treated bad at school, girls did not like me and I felt as if even my freinds avioded me. I think that that is when my sin was at it’s peak and when i got addicted.
But I dont understand why I’m doing it now, because this is probably one of the best times of my life. I have parents who love me and I love them, I live in a first-world country, in a great house. I have friends. I look relatively attractive, I would say. And I’m doing good in school. My life is so good right now, and I am ruining it by doing this sin. This is why I want to stop.
It would mean a lot to me if you could read through my comments (I know there’s a lot) and reply with advice. Thank you.
Good to hear from you. Thank you for checking in. This is absolutely wrong advice in my opinion – “This is because I’ve heard that the best way to deal with addictions is to slowly tone it down, which I was trying to do here.” Addictions don’t work that way. By nature of being an addiction, if you allow yourself a taste, you will end up binging. That’s what happens. So you can’t tone it down. You have to put it to death.
I’m sorry about the relapses. To answer your questions and to help you think through your relapses, please read these. Remember the grace we have in Christ! Take joy in that and get back to living in freedom again.
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/resentment-compromise-and-escalation-failure-yet-we-rejoice-in-christ/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/10-minute-relapse/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/guest-post-relapses-part-1/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/guest-post-relapses-part-2/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/guest-post-relapses-part-3/
You have not tried everything to reduce temptations. First of all, you really need the support of other men, who can encourage you and advise you. Again, I invite you to join one of our many recovery groups. Where you can ask the types of questions you are asking and get advice from other men besides only me. We have a Christian one, a non-religious one, a discord group, etc.
Read this and tell me if you really have tried everything – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/no-more-half-measures/
I know you feel really low because of the relapse. I’ve been there! We all have. But it doesn’t mean as much as you are making it out to be. You know life is better without it. You’ve experienced that. But your body still knows the temporary pleasure of giving in. So because of its addictive nature, you gave in. But look at the progress you’ve made! Celebrate that! And get back to living that great life you just described.
“-And yet they were never willing to do the hard introspective work to figure out what the root causes of their crossdressing was.” This was in the No more half measures post.
How can i find the root cause? I think this would be very useful to know so I can fix it. I know it’s different for everyone but how would i go about doing so?
That’s just one factor of many, don’t get too hung up on that one. I think it’s hard to determine the exact cause that started our desire for crossdressing in the first place. What is more possible is figuring out what needs you are trying to meet when you crossdress. And then think about, how can I meet those same needs in healthier ways?
Ok, i will think aboit that. But how do I get thoughts of crossdressing out of my head. Im not talking about just temptations ,i just dont wanna think about it.
Over time as you are abstaining from giving in, I think the thoughts will get less and less. For me that is the case. The only time I think about this stuff is when I’m working on this website. Otherwise I go for many months at a time without a single thought about crossdressing or autogynephilia. I can’t promise the same for you, but I do expect it would be the same for you as you refuse to indulge the crossdressing behaviors, and focus on other things in life. I don’t think you are married yet, but it also helps to focus on your heterosexuality and feed that while starving the autogynephilia. I don’t mean having sex, I mean just focusing on girls you like, and be willing to ask a girl on a date.
Hello,
Where is the wives of crossdressers site? I clicked on link and it doesn’t take me there. I would like to join. Thank you.
Welcome! It’s a private email based group, but you are welcome to join. Here is the sign up page – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/private-wives-group/
Thank you Barnabas!
Have you done any research or investigation on Diethylstibestrol (DES) or Endocrine Disrupting chemicals (EDCs) and their effect on fetal development?
I definitely have not. Do you have any insight?
I found your website while reading a review you wrote on GoodReads.com about the book, “Autoheterosexual: Attracted to Being the Other Sex”, by Phil Illy. You may be interested to learn of the roots of the transsexual phenomenon in Endocrine Disrupting Chemicals (EDCs) and the drug Diethylstilbestrol (DES). I suggest you start with the book, ‘The Riddle of Gender”, by Deborah Rudacille.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/277087.The_Riddle_of_Gender
If you decided to dig deep, here is a good place to go:
https://grad-mentor.com/research-des-sexuality/
The research on DES and Gender Identity goes back to the 1950s.
In Deborah Rudacille’s book, see Chapter 7, “Fear of a Pink Planet”.
Thank you! I will add it to my list for when I get time.
As I woke up today I knew what I wanted write to kind of explain my life and how I got to where I am, now as I sit here in front of my computer my mind is in a fog. So if I ramble and make no sense please understand. I am 80 years old my attraction to female attire started as best I can remember around the time my father died when I was 11 years old. I was the runt of my school class no interest in sports did not date just wanted to be alone. Joined the military out of high school met the girl that would become my wife. I thought my attraction to female items would end once married but that did not happen, she had no interest in my “hobby”’. We will have been married 60 years this May. I spent over 20 years in the military hiding my cross-dressing. My last year in the Service I was a weekend dad having an apartment about a 4 hour drive from the house we had brought as we got ready to exit the military. It was here where I for the first time was able to dress freely and learn about makeup. About 30 years ago I started having a one week solo trip for training and have that time to be Tammie. I have never presented myself to the world dressed a female as I know I would not pass. I have attended Church my entire life have prayed and purged many times over the years only to fail. I think it was about 4 years after I left the military I started under dressing for work pantyhose and panties have spent a lot of money on that part of my life. Have heard so many sermons on prayer and it will solve your problems want to believe that but all I seem to get is failure. All of my things are in the basement in a trunk with a few items in a backpack. I do several times a month under dress in panties for a couple of hours my wife has no knowledge of this activity. Due to age and health issues I am no longer making the annual one week trip plus I know I need to purge once again.. At 80 my wife would not be able to purge my clothes and I do not want my kids to learn about this side of their Dad once I am dead. So this is where I am at so lonely ashamed to talk with any of the Pastors or friends at my Church know I need to purge and yet afraid to. This a brief account of where I am at.
Jim thank you for commenting here. As I told you over email, even at your age freedom from this is possible. But it’s to you whether you are willing to take new practical steps, besides simply purging (which is the bare minimum), in order to break free. Steps such as joining our recovery group. https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
Steps such as talking to a pastor or friend in real life, to be vulnerable, to bring your sin into the light, and to ask for help. You have tried many times to stop, and failed, as you say. Are you willing to do something different this time? To admit that you are weak and need help? Or will you go it alone again?
Please read this – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/no-more-half-measures/
I know you feel shame, but bring all of this to Christ, surrender it all before him, completely and fully. He is the only one who can take your shame away, and restore you to peace and dignity.
What I want to say next is really just a bold guess, with no real knowledge of your situation. But I would venture a guess that your crossdressing has become less sexual and more emotional. This is the common path of AGP. You fall in love with yourself as a woman and become romantically, companionshiply, and emotionally attached to your false female self. This is much harder to part with than simply the sexual pleasure. And as you’ve aged, I’m guessing the sexual pleasure has gotten less and less strong and overt. For further understanding of this, please read these two articles which will increase your understanding of all of this.
Chris this is true, but I’d say about half the guys in all of our recovery groups have at least a little bit of gender dysphoria, and a lot of guys have quite a lot of gender dysphoria, to the point of wanting to transition, or to the point of serious depression, or even to the point of feeling suicidal at times. I think transitioning is the logical endpoint for most guys using crossdressing for sexual pleasure and loving themselves as women. What starts as a seeminly innocent “fetish” becomes a more entrenched alter ego. Please read these for more information:
http://www.tbuckner.com/TRANSVES.HTM
http://unremediatedgender.space/papers/lawrence-becoming_what_we_love.pdf
One of the ways to deal with that attached to your feminine self, and the accompanying gender dysphoria, is this, please read this
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/integration-and-contentment/
Barnabas,
Thanks for the reply I may have given you the wrong server for the email as I have not received any email from you it is a hotmail address.
Thanks
Jim
I emailed the hotmail address that you used for commenting. Maybe check your spam folder.