First, here is a good article for thinking about the role of your wife as you recover from a crossdressing addiction. What Every Wife of a Sex Addict Has a Right to Know About Her Husband’s Recovery. It can be difficult to know how much to tell her and how to involve her in a way that is appropriate and helpful to you both.
What I usually suggest for men who are recovering from crossdressing is this. Confess to your wife in a general way about your addiction. Make sure you have a very long talk so that she can understand what a crossdressing addiction entails and what it doesn’t. But leave out the specifics about what you have done. The details aren’t necessary and will only give her graphic images in her mind and could hurt the marriage. She needs your confession, and hopefully forgives you. But she doesn’t need every detail. And then keep her posted on your recovery, what you are doing, and how you are progressing, but again, don’t give her every detail. That is for your accountability partner. (Make sure you have an accountability partner!). Your wife doesn’t need to know about every relapse of wearing female clothing again. She doesn’t need to know about every perverted thought that goes through your head. But she does need to know you are taking your recovery seriously, that you have a support group or accountability partner, and that you are making progress. And I believe she should be allowed to ask anything she wants and you should answer honestly. You can advise that it might not be helpful for her to know all the details. But if she wants to ask questions, you should answer. After all, according to 1 Corinthians 7, she owns you!
These two posts are related to this topic and give some more information about talking to your wife about this. How do I tell my wife, a friend, or a pastor about my crossdressing? This pastoral care post has a whole section just to help wives: Giving pastoral care to a crossdresser or person with gender dysphoria.
I’m a little confused. The link to What Ever Wife to a Sex Addict has a Right to Know… has a link to a program called an Intensive that describes part of the program is telling the wife everything, but the suggestion here and on other posts in the forum is to be general with information. Sharing everything with her is also the downfall of having her as your accountability partner. In sharing everything in a program like The Intensive ok because it is being done in a therapy/counseling session with professional support compared to just talking together around the kitchen table?
Great question. I don’t see any contradiction myself though. The article makes clear that the wife has a right to know anything, but even that article advises certain things to not tell the wife unless she really demands to know. There is a big difference between answering her questions, and the things you would tell an accountability partner.
You tell your wife, “I failed the other day, I confessed, I’m getting help from an accountability partner, I put software on the computer to help me not give in online, I’m going to a small group, I’m reading through the book of Romans, I’m really working at this, and I’m memorizing scripture and praying every day. Is there anything else you’d like to know?”
You tell your accountability partner, “It was seeing the red dress in the store window that really got me going. I continued to fantasize about putting it on, but I repeatedly said “no” when those thoughts came. But when I got home, I saw my wife’s shoes, and that set me going again. I went online and went on google and started searching for pictures of men in dresses. I soon realized how foolish that was, so I stopped. But then I searched for the picture of my favorite celebrity actress x, and started lusting after her photos. That led down a slipperly slope and soon I was looking at porn combined with masturbation. I felt like crap afterwards. I have to confess I really failed. I should have called you to hold me accountable once the temptations started coming. Next time, as soon as I get one of those fantasies stuck in my mind from walking past a store window, I will give you a call, and we will decide what to do together. Do you think I should walk home a different way to avoid that shop?”
Do you see the difference? Those are just made up examples, but I think it helps you get the idea. Your wife should not be forced to work through those details with you. It just fills her mind with that evil stuff. An accountability can handle that garbage because it’s outside of him. Your wife is one flesh with you. It’s damaging to hear about all the horrible stuff that goes on in your mind each day. It would not build her up. I’m not advocating lying to her or hiding anything from her. But for her own benefit, it’s best to stick to general explanations, unless she demands to know more. But an accountability should dissect every little temptation with you, figuring out your triggers, what caused you to fail, what you can do differently, etc.
Thank you Barnabas for your detailed reply. The examples you gave were very helpful. I think that wives could also benefit from having an Accountability partner too. There are some things that husbands should not hear from their wives as it could be very damaging to the marriage and to each other’s self esteem. But husbands usually want to keep their fetish a secret and so the wives are dragged into the closet, with no one to talk to. This is one of the reasons why this website is so helpful to wives.
Praise God for Barnabas’ ministry!
That’s exactly right wifegrinandbearit. Thank you for all of your comments.
Even aside from the whole issue of CD, I believe every Christian person should have an accountability partner to challenge them and help them to grow in Christ. It is also good for wives who are going through this hard thing with a cd husband to have another wife going through the same thing, to walk together in the painful journey.
BARNABAS…You rock!!!! Thank you God for Pastor Barnabas. For giving him wisdom, patience and care to help me understand.