A common and understandable question that many of us wrestle with is, “was I born this way?” Is my autogynephilia biologically caused? Did something go wrong with exposure to hormones in the womb that made me more feminine than normal men? We long for answers to this question. One reason for this is that we feel understanding the cause gives us some guidance as far as how to respond or treat our problem. Another reason we really want to know is that we can stop blaming ourselves or others for the way we feel if it is biologically caused. But most of all, many of us want to know if it is biologically caused because we believe that this gives us an excuse to live the way we want.
If our cross-gender desires are biologically determined, then it feels like a validation of our identity or our actions. We feel it gives us a very good excuse to give in to our cross-gender desires through crossdressing or transitioning. And it allows us to prevent other people from questioning our choices. “This is who I am. I was born this way. It was not my choice.” Having this kind of biological determinism mindset leaves only one choice – we must embrace our cross-gender desires and everyone else must also affirm us.
This comes up often with the topic of homosexuality as it is argued about among Christians. Some people argue, with biological data, that people are born with same-sex attraction, or at least a significant tendency to develop same-sex attraction, based on conditions in the womb or how a brain develops. But then many gay Christians make a logical leap. They say, “if I was born with these desires, it is not sinful for me to give in to them. Really I have no choice.” They believe it makes sense to call homosexual behavior sinful if it’s just a lifestyle choice, or if the desires developed from some traumatic childhood experiences. But as soon as we cede that the desires were there since birth, then no longer can we say people should refuse to give in to those desires. Christians on both sides can fall into this logical leap. Affirming Christians will say that one cannot reasonably be expected to live a good life without giving in to their sexual desires. Someone born with same-sex attraction did not choose it and therefore must be allowed to pursue same-sex marriage. On the other side, some non-affirming Christians strenuously argue that people are not born with same-sex attraction, sometimes rejecting good science, because they believe essentially the same thing. That if someone was truly born with same-sex attraction, they would have no choice but to give in to it and indulge those desires. If they did not choose their desires, they have an excuse to indulge them.
But this is wrong. Being born with same-sex attraction has no bearing on whether same-sex sexual activity or marriage is right or wrong in God’s eyes. Even if it can demonstrated scientifically with zero doubt that people are born with same-sex attraction and did not choose it, this does not tell us whether it is sinful or not for them to indulge those desires. It is possible for people to desire something and yet exercise self-control and not give in to those desires. We have freedom of the will. We have the ability to say “no” to something we want. We can say “no” to going golfing which we really want to do, in order to stay home and make dinner for a sick wife which we also really want to do for other reasons. We can even deny our lives completely and die for other people or for our nation. We have freedom to choose whether to act on the desires within us or not. People who experience same-sex attraction have freedom to not give in to homosexual behavior. They could for example embrace living a very fulfilling single life in community with others, but denying themselves sexual pleasure. Heterosexual people also have to refrain from giving in to their desires that they were born with, all the time. Men might be strongly attracted to other women besides their wives, and yet they have to resist those desires instead of indulging them. This is possible to do.
Coming back to the issues of autogynephilia and gender dysphoria. Are these things biologically caused? I don’t know. The studies that have been done have not been conclusive and much more work needs to be done. But I can come at this issue with a completely open mind. I do not fear science and I do not fear studies that might show biological causes for same-sex attraction or the desire to crossdress. I grant that some people are probably born with desires such as these. I have had crossdressing desires and fantasies as far back as I can remember, long before puberty. And I have gay friends, who all tell me their homosexual desires go way back. I did not choose to have my crossdressing desires. They did not choose to experience same-sex attraction. Who would choose these conditions anyway? Very few people would want to be so abnormal. As a Christian I am not afraid of the answer to the science question. Whether it is environmentally caused, or biologically caused or some combination of both, does not frighten me. If we find out that it is biologically caused, it does not give me license in God’s eyes to crossdress or transition. If we find out that it is not biologically caused, it does not lessen the struggle that people have with it. People like me still did not consciously choose to feel this way, and we need compassion and help.
All of us have desires which we should not give in to. Since the Fall into sin (Genesis 3), starting with Adam and Eve, all of us are born messed up and crooked. We can’t blame God for this. It is because Adam and Eve brought sin into the world that the world got messed up, and that we are born with so many problems. We all have tendencies and desires to sin in many ways. Some of us are tempted to and have a tendency to anger, or pride, or stealing, and so on. And all of us have a broken sexuality in one way or another, whether we are prone to homosexuality, crossdressing, pornography, incest, bestiality, adultery, lust, selfishness during sex, etc. But this does not make it okay to give in to these desires.
I believe that to give in to my crossdressing desires would be sinful. We can’t give in to the lies of the culture. Just because it feels good, it doesn’t mean we should do it. Yes, I know the frustration of having these desires that we have had for as far back as we can remember. They feel like a part of who we are. But just as your pastor would tell you that you cannot engage in pornography even though you want to, and you can’t punch your enemy even though you want to, and you can’t steal from your parents even though you want to, I am also saying, you can’t engage in crossdressing just because you have desires to do so. We first need to learn self control and obedience to God, even when its hard and goes against our wants.
And second, we need to ask God to continually change our desires, so that we do desire the right things. But this is a long process of sanctification (God making us more holy) that will not be complete until Jesus comes again and makes us new. Even if we never get rid of those desires, it doesn’t mean we ever have to give into them, even once.
Because we know what it is like to have sinful desires we didn’t choose, we can have great compassion on others who have sinful desires they didn’t choose. For example, we can empathize with same-sex attracted Christians or people who have paraphilias they themselves abhor. There must be safeguards and punishments against people with certain paraphilias, but we can still have compassion on them, knowing they did not choose to have such evil proclivities.
In the end, being born with certain tendencies does not justify our behavior. We all must be held accountable for what we choose to do. Those who experience same-sex attraction have a choice. Those who experience the intense desire to crossdress have a choice. All of us have to sacrifice and deny ourselves and our wants to follow Jesus. If you believe in a Gospel that doesn’t radically change your life and make you deny yourself in difficult ways, you are believing in a false gospel.
Here are some verses to remind us that the Bible isn’t fuzzy on this point. The real Gospel transforms us and makes us deny ourselves, and fight against our sinful desires.
Matthew 16:24
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
Mark 8:34
Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
Romans 1:24-27
24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. 26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
Ephesians 4:17-24
17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. 20 You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. 21 Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Romans 6:12
Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.
Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
Galatians 5:16
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
Colossians 3:5
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
2 Timothy 2:22
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
1 Peter 2:11
Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.
Titus 2:11-12 – 11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age
This was a powerful post, highlighting the power we have to choose whether we indulge or not, and reminding us that making the choice will not be an easy one. This is an issue that has come up between me and my wife as she has struggled to understand why I Crossdress…or used to, and why I still struggle with the desires now. It’s been years since I’ve done it, and yet, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about it for at least a moment. If not for all the problems it has caused, I wonder where I would even by right now, especially in my marriage. But I want to choose differently…I just need help.
Q I am happy to hear from you. I’m sorry for the difficulty of your wife to understand what you have gone through. Crossdressing baffles the minds of scientists and psychologists as well, so it’s no wonder our wives have such trouble getting it. You say you want to choose differently but need help. It sounds like you already have chosen to give up crossdressing and haven’t dressed in a long time. Are you still giving in in reading, photos, or thoughts? Are you actively trying to grow more healthy in this area?
If you want some more help, please consider joining our prayer group – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
Thanks for your response Barnabas. Short answer to your questions…I do still need help because even though I haven’t dressed in a long time, there is still a part of me that misses it. I have come to a screeching halt on reading about it having switched from fiction to non-fiction and now, none at all, but that hasn’t been easy. And I’ve tried to resist looking at pictures, but it’s not easy. The thoughts…that’s the most challenging part because every day that I’m thinking of resisting means that I’m also thinking about it in some regards and I can hear that voice inside that says “just thinking about it a little bit won’t hurt.” So that’s a struggle. All that being said, I am definitely trying to grow more healthy in this area, but I know I can’t do it alone. I have tried on and off for years to find support but it never seemed to exist…or maybe I was just looking in the wrong places because now I’ve found this site and I need the support like a drowning man needs a life preserver. Ok, maybe I’m being a little dramatic but still…I need this and I’m hoping to connect with this group here to find the support and encouragement to stay the course.
Hi Q.
You are not alone, I can totally identify with your comments and am in roughly the same situation. My wife and I love each other deeply and she knew of my CD before marriage, but still does not like or understand it. I struggle a great deal with the “thoughts” but you have found the right site for people to listen and interact. Take heart, wars are not won in an instant.
Thank you Keith 🙂
Dear Barnabas , is there an epidemic of transgender MTF going on in America or what ?? , I guess as being an X-trans-leaning guy I’m like an X-smoker . I see online so many getting HRT from Trans-clinic doctors , it’s so Scary, and I am seeing most of these guys going through the stage and preparation of divorcing their Real Women Wives for their new MTF life and these doctors are encouraging this for what they call dysphoria and I see at first they don’t even realize they are heading towards the divorce which they really subconsciously want and dream of .
It all starts with crossdressing , then to an HRT trans woman identity and then to what the Bible calls Effeminate ( Not Entering The Kingdom Of Heaven ) .
I expect to only see more of it as the culture celebrates the new gender ideology.
re !
It’s really unbelievable what’s going on with so many starting crossdressing and then moving on to what they call transitioning which means taking HRT and blockers and then at the extreme a few have GRS surgery . On all the so called crossdressing online sites I always see crossdressers call themselves trans and usually Never Just a crossdresser . As testosterone diminishes with age so many guys from 49 to 70 years old are being fooled who have crossdressed a few times in their past are now entering into a full time Trans-identity because of all the accepted gender ideology and their marriage won’t stand in their way of this new happiness whether their wife likes it or not , many marriages are ending .
I completely understand transfeminine feelings , I have them , But these are just feelings which are between our ears ! and Not reality . Maybe we should ” Just Follow The Science ” and check our hardware to see what gender we really are !
As far as the younger guys getting into the trans identity thing , they have been exposed to Extreme Ideology online and the feminizing of men in most schools and transition damage themselves and I see many on this road and for some it’s the in thing .
When one doesn’t have the Holy Spirit , They Are An Empty Vessel waiting to be filled .
TRANS IMPOSTER SYNDROME
Struggling guys should be forewarned ; In the Trans / Crossdressing world online there is something called –” The Trans Imposter Syndrome ” –, this is when a trans / crossdresser guy feels a Proper Guilt for his trans-activity / Identity . Many online have friends that rush to his assistance ( who then feel threatened by his guilt ) ,when he feels he’s not really meant to be female or not transgender enough to then comfort him in saying that this will pass and so help him to Sear His Conscience of the guilt that Should Rightly Be There , these friends help further a type of Transgender Self Hypnosis in that poor soul .