Title: Ann’s Testimony
This is a brief story on how my life literally crumbled to the ground and how day by day, hard work and consistency have paid off.
In August 2024 I discovered that my husband was crossdressing at home. When I caught him it was like he had just handed me a bomb that exploded in my hand and my life shattered in many pieces. I felt that the past 30 years of marriage was not real, but was all a lie. There were no cries out to God because I was so angry with God and I felt like he had abandoned me. So I couldn’t ask him for help. I no longer trusted him. I was alone and broken and devastated.
I asked my husband – “Who are you? How dare you use me as a wife to hide your dirty sinful behavior!” I immediately asked him to get his stuff out of our bedroom, I felt ill, I was vomiting and had horrible stomach issues and couldn’t sleep. I thought he was gay. I told him that he needed help immediately. He told me it had been going on for about five years, but it started earlier when he was in junior high school. Because we had children in the home, he said that being busy with the kids and their sports made him not interested in it anymore, but as time passed, he thought it would be fun to start it up again.
I gave him three days to reach out to a therapist or get out of the house. I would not allow that type of behavior under my roof. As Christian wives, we should never allow this in our home. He found a very good Christian family therapist and started seeing him the following week. He was so concerned about me that he was calling Christian counselors to help me also. My husband is the one that found this website for me, and he also paid for me to go through PBT, which is Post Betrayal Institute. This program helped me to feel somewhat better. I joined a gym and continue to get on PBT calls and ask all the questions that I needed to. It was there that they told me that my husband needed to see a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). I then told my husband he needed to seek this therapist out immediately or our marriage was over.
My husband knew I was serious about ending our marriage. He was so dedicated to getting help with his family therapist, his CSAT, and the 12 step program “Sexaholics Anonymous.” In the beginning, he was meeting with both of his therapists once a week, and the 12 step calls 3x a week. Today he meets with a CSAT every three weeks and continues to get on his 12 step calls. His family therapist counseling ended at the 12th month. Yesterday he told me that come January he would like to be part of leading these phone calls to help these men get through this addiction. On several occasions, he had got a text from the leader that asked him if he could lead the calls and he has. After every meeting and after every call he will sit with me and read me the story of the 12 step program that they covered, and he also talks to me about what he shared and how he feels.
When he meets with his CSAT they will talk about any disagreement we had or concerns I have and his CSAT provides him with coaching on how to get the marriage to grow in the right direction. The CSAT recommended a book to my husband (Help her heal). This helped him to understand what I was going through and how he should behave during this difficult time as we move forward. This was not easy. By no means. Previously, I felt that I no longer loved him. I was completely disgusted with him, but felt sorry for him. I did really care about him as a person, so together we tried, and we cried. But now after every meeting that he attends, we sit and talk. This was our opportunity to speak about how we were feeling. I was so devastated and today I still think about it and still ask him how he’s doing.
I added Canopy to his phone which blocks any sexual content. I review all charges on our accounts and track every penny spent. He is not allowed to carry cash. This was a lot of work ladies, and today it’s still a lot of my time spent on this, but if I want this marriage to work I must do my part. I have set standards and boundaries for my life and for the man who says he’s my husband and living under the same roof with me. I will not ever allow him to do this again under my roof or as long as he’s married to me. He is 100% on board with my requests. They are not demands because he has free will to leave at any time. But my requests will continue as long as we are married.
Ladies, these men need guidance. They need counseling. They need coaching. And that’s what the therapists are there for, as well as the 12th step book which provides them with stories of men that have gone through addiction or are still going through this. Some have been through hell and are now recovered. According to my husband all of this recovery is done by reminding them that they must trust in their higher power. It reminds them they cannot do it alone. They must have faith and they must believe.
Today my husband is a completely different man. He’s no longer angry or depressed. He no longer has secrets or anything that makes him feel guilty and disgusted inside. He is happy. He wants to go where I go and be part of the things I enjoy. There is still a long journey ahead. I will continue with my boundaries and my questions and remind him that we need to never go down that road again, nor do I want to ever experience the pain, and the shock that I honestly will never forget.
Ladies, you have to set standards for your life. If you continue to allow this behavior under your roof, it is like giving them permission. Seek help for yourself. Search for podcasts under the title betrayal. I don’t believe that any man who cross dresses is committed to his wife or loves her enough to stop. Ladies, set standards and insist they get help or escape their demonic behavior. This is not of the Lord. Again, none of this will be easy, but in the end, you will find peace whether you are no longer married and tolerating this, or if you are married and your husband was willing to seek the help that he needed. Today I comfortably trust and speak to God. I have a great relationship with him again, and I come to realize that he never abandoned me, he was also hurt by my husband’s actions. Today when I have negative thoughts or bad days about everything that happened, I pray, and I truly feel heard and comforted by the Lord.
Written by,
Ann
Whenever a marriage faces something as painful as hidden behavior or betrayal, both hearts come out deeply wounded. What’s often lost in the conversation is that both people are hurting—the one who feels betrayed, and the one who’s been hiding, often out of shame, fear, or deep confusion about themselves.
In many testimonies like the one shared, there’s an understandable focus on boundaries and repentance. Those things are important. But beneath the surface, there are red flags that deserve to be noticed—especially when recovery becomes defined by control, surveillance, or fear rather than by understanding and healing. Statements like “heal or leave” may sound decisive, but sometimes they can unintentionally shut the door to deeper transformation on both sides.
Crossdressing, for example, is frequently labeled as perversion or addiction. And yes, it can become a form of secret behavior that causes immense pain. But for many men, it’s not primarily about sexuality or pleasure—it’s about unhealed wounds, early trauma, or the desperate attempt to soothe a sense of emptiness or rejection. When those roots go unacknowledged, both partners can end up fighting symptoms instead of the real cause.
The betrayed spouse, on the other hand, often feels abandoned, deceived, and spiritually violated. That pain is real and valid. But when the response becomes one of complete control—checking accounts, monitoring phones, eliminating autonomy—it may bring a sense of safety in the short term, yet it can also prevent both from ever feeling truly free again. Fear-based control can look like healing, but it’s often another form of bondage.
Real restoration can’t come through rules alone. It begins when both people face not only what was done, but why it happened—and what each of them needs from God to be made whole. Healing requires humility on both sides: the courage to confess and the courage to listen. It’s a long, uncomfortable process, but it’s also where grace does its most powerful work.
My hope is that, as a community, we learn to see beyond labels and behaviors, to ask deeper questions, and to create spaces where truth and compassion can coexist. Because control may stop a behavior, but only love heals a heart.
—Joksan
Thank you Joksan, I appreciate this comment as another perspective on this very hard discussion about how couples handle these things. You are right, we must indeed look at the underlying heart issues that brought about the desire to crossdress. There is pain and shame there and unhealed wounds. Simply stopping the behavior won’t heal those wounds. Like you said, the crossdressing or porn is a symptom of something deeper, and that is likely both related to their relationship to people, their view of themselves, and most importantly, their relationship with God.
I do think that in the beginning the strictness is what is needed to be abstinent from the behavior, so that there is space to do counseling and discussion, biblical study, and prayer, so that the real healing can take place. Also, many times men who are crossdressing are in such bondage, and delusion, that they don’t find strength to even attempt to stop without a real hard line drawn in the sand by their wife or someone else significant in their life. I think at the beginning, it can be helpful when a wife is very tough and has strong rules.
But your caution about rule and fear based recovery is really important. It’s so important that we be Gospel focused and grace focused. Fear and law do not bring heart change. Only grace.
But beyond that, there is a practical element that makes only rule and fear based recovery not work. In order to learn self control, self control must be exercised. Too much surveillance and fences will not help the man ever to learn self control and learn to live a normal healthy life. A healthy marriage cannot be one in which the wife is forever a policeman and not a wife. That cannot be a healthy marriage. Nor can trust be rebuilt in such a context. There must be an intentional gradual lessening of the serious control and policeman type effort on the part of the wife, so that slowly the husband can learn self control, learn how to love and serve his wife truly, and become again the husband God meant him to be.
Thank you again