By Karen
Maybe you found his “stash” of female undergarments, pantyhose, dresses, even wigs and makeup. Or maybe he actually came to you and shared about his crossdressing. However you learned that your husband is a crossdresser, you are probably completely shocked. I’ve been there, in both situations. You can read my detailed story in another article, but basically here is how I found out — and the way I remember feeling — in both situations.
First of all, my husband told me he was a crossdresser before we were even married. From what I’ve learned, that is somewhat unusual as many crossdressers try to hide the behavior. So initially I was surprised and had plenty of questions, but after learning he was “only” interested in wearing the clothing (he liked the way it felt…) and after doing a bit of research online, I decided it wasn’t really a big deal. I found a group online that supported wives (I don’t believe that group exists anymore), and the wives in the group did not seem to feel crossdressing was an aberration. The wives who had been a part of the group for a while seemed to feel like their husband was the same person as he always was, he just liked to dress oddly occasionally. I didn’t really like our situation, but I do remember feeling honored that my husband trusted me enough to tell me his big secret. And so life went on.
If you’ve read my detailed story mentioned earlier, you know that things changed. Maybe 10 or 15 years later I was shocked, hurt, and felt very much betrayed when I found out my husband’s crossdressing behavior had evolved. He no longer only wanted to wear women’s clothing, he also wore a breast form, wig, makeup and so on. This was a great shock to me as he had insisted early in our relationship that he had no desire for that sort of thing. But what really made me feel betrayed was learning that he had been going out in public at night, had made some friends in his femme persona, and had done all of this behind my back. I happened to find out about his secret life after he’d been doing this for at least a couple of months. So, at that time I probably experienced the sort of shock, betrayal and hurt that you are now feeling.
My reaction to this new revelation was strong: I insisted that he stop the public crossdressing or I would leave the marriage. He said he would not stop, though he wanted our marriage to survive. He said he couldn’t and wouldn’t give up that feminine part of himself. My earlier story tells more details, but after much turmoil (some of which still happens), we’ve been able to reach an agreement and our marriage has survived for several years since I found out about his changed behavior.
I say all of the above to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I’ve been able to “meet” online several other wives who are in the same situation, and I know that we all have had similar experiences to deal with. How we each handle our situation varies from family to family. And however it turns out, each wife – and you – will make the decision that is best for your own family. As you go (and grow) through this time of heartbreak and struggle, I want to share a few basic tips that I hope you will find helpful:
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- Stay calm as much as possible – this WILL work out. Remember you are still in shock; things will look different after you’ve had some time to process this.
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- Pray, pray, pray! No matter what comes from this situation, God is with you. Stay close to Him and depend on Him as you find your way.
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- Be very careful who you share this information with. You may want to wait until some of the initial shock has passed before you share with anyone other than a professional who will honor your need for confidentiality. In time, once you are acting with intention (as opposed to re-acting in turmoil), you can better choose who – if anyone – you will discuss this with.
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- Don’t make any drastic decisions until some time has passed. It actually took me a couple of years of trying different options to deal with this before I found a relatively comfortable spot. I’m glad I didn’t act on my first thoughts!
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- Try to avoid reading a lot about crossdressing on the internet. I guess each of us is different, but I know I can become very discouraged when I read writings by crossdressers – at least crossdressers who intend to stay that way or even transition to a different gender. It’s not a good thing to torture yourself by dwelling on that sort of thing. That said, see point 6…
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- Request to join the Wives of crossdressers support group. This entire website has plenty of great information from a Christian point of view. I would encourage you to do plenty of reading here.
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- Post an intro in the Wives’ group. Read what others in the group have written about their own situations and things they’ve struggled with. Read how they’ve learned to adapt their lives to this situation.
And as you get beyond the initial shock:
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- Ask questions of the other wives in the group. We have all been where you are at this moment. We can at least offer our support so you know you are definitely not alone. Hopefully we can also share things we have learned in our journeys and hold you up during your struggles.
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- Consider developing a mentor or friend relationship with one of the wives in the group. Thanks to today’s technology, some of us have been able to do daily devotions together, communicate via Facebook and/or Messenger, etc. Even if none of us ever meet in real life, these days we can still be a close supporter and friend. Remember, however, to use caution about sharing private identifying information with strangers! Use caution, but get to know your sisters in Christ.
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- Find a good Christian therapist. Perhaps your pastor or pastor’s wife would be helpful, but maybe you aren’t comfortable sharing this with them. That’s certainly up to you. While I did share my situation with my pastor’s wife so that she could support me and pray for my marriage, I was also able to find a great therapist who shares my Christian faith. The main thing I learned from my therapy was how to take care of myself. Once I was stronger with self-care, I could make better decisions about my marriage.
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- Find a way to live with the situation, but don’t make immediate permanent life changes. If you need to separate from your spouse while one or both of you get help that is fine. If you choose to stay with your spouse while dealing with these issues, that is fine as well. Realize that each person and each family is unique, and only you know the best way to handle this time in your life.
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- Use this time to grow closer to Jesus. Let God carry you when you are most needy. Focus on drawing closer to Him: be sure you are reading a regular Bible study plan, devotional, etc. to learn from God’s Word. Spend more time than ever in prayer, seeking God’s comfort, guidance and wisdom. Let yourself grow in the Lord. Look at this as an opportunity to turn away from the negatives (not to ignore them, but not to allow them to rule your life), and turn toward our awesome God who WILL help you grow through this.
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- You will come out of this a better person, but along the way you may feel you are being refined by fire. Take a few minutes each day, especially on the hardest days, to just take care of YOU. If that means an hour alone with a book, going out for a walk, or just shutting yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes of relaxation breathing, do it. You must take care of yourself.
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- Love and be kind to yourself. Seek God’s will, and surround yourself with strong Christians. Share what you are comfortable sharing, when the time is right for you. Seek support and advice from trusted Christian friends and leaders, but don’t act on advice until you’ve taken time to pray and consider it a bit. It is easier to avoid making a bad decision than it is to fix the results of one.
Pray some more. Remember God IS in control, others have survived and even thrived through similar times, and you are loved.
Sincere appreciation for this blog, Karen!
You’re certainly welcome, Jerry. I hope it’s helpful to many.
I just found out after 30 sum years of marriage my husband has been a cross dresser. The last year I found womens underwear after I was gone for the weekend at our daughters . Confronting him if he was having a affair . Then weeks later I found a mastectomy bra in his bed . I was in denial . After we had been married for a couple of years I would come to bed and he had my lingerie on. Never made any issue . I know my conversation is all over the place .Sorry ! Last was I was cleaning the bathroom and came upon makeup which was not mine . I kind of figured something was happening . I finally confronted him and he finally said he has dealt with this since he was 8 years old . He never told me because he didn’t want to lose me . The sad thing is I feel empathy for him . I am only hurt and upset because he never mentioned this when we were dating and because of some really bad past relationships of my I instilled I want to be honest with each other so I relationship could grow and he felt he could no mention that .So everything I thought we had in our relationship is making me so confused and mad and depressed . We have grown children I do not want them to know . We are both old couple he is 70 and I am 60 . I am so confused on how to feel ., how to make our marriage work when I only wanted honesty all along and wonder if he real loves me or using me to cover his secret . I don’t know how to deal with this because I do not want anyone know for his sake . Please give me some guidance
Kathy thank you for coming here and sharing your pain and your story. You are in the right place. This post is a good place for you to start – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/giving-pastoral-care-to-a-crossdresser/ It is especially directed to wives.
Your comment is a bit confusing. Because you make it sound like you just discovered his crossdressing, yet you say even early in the marriage he would wear your lingerie to bed. Did you not view that as crossdressing? I’m just trying to understand the situation better before I say a lot.
Is your husband willing to get help to quit the addiction?
Your husband has kept this secret from you which is a betrayal and dishonest, but it is also an addiction. Without knowing the details of your situation, I would guess that your husband does truly love you, and has kept this a secret out of shame and fear and because it is a terrible addiction. I’m not excusing his behavior. I’m only saying that it shouldn’t necessarily cause you to doubt the entirety of your relationship with him. Let’s keep in touch
I’m praying for you
I have been a cross dresser all of my life & although I love being a woman, I wish I could stop all of the desires & urges I get from being a cross dresser, so far they have cost me two marriages, countless friends & even some family members. I can’t understand why I cannot control these urges, as an example, while married to my first wife & seeing all of the clothes, shoes & makeup she had, I could not stop myself from dressing up every day & it got worse, I began to have strong desires to make myself look as feminine as possible & I could not stop myself from acting on them. I went out & had my ears double pierced & my eyebrows waxed into thin, arched lines, it was when I told my wife that I wanted to have my hair colored & styled into a feminine style that she divorced me
Thank you for your post. I want to help you but first I want to make sure I understand your reason for posting. Are you looking for help? Or were you just wanting to share your story about the difficulty of quitting crossdressing? You are welcome here either way.
If you would like to really quit, there are probably ways you can get help from the community here that you may not have tried before. I would first submit to you that you are probably a crossdressing addict, and I was too. It is very difficult to stop just by hoping to stop. Most addicts of any kind need special help from other people and practical steps, in order to stop.
Of course you can keep reading my blog posts and see what you think. But if you’d like help, please let me know. I’m praying for you
I will say here , Barnabas is 100% correct here when he has said in the past , if one really wants to quit ; one Must Purge All femme clothes and Not keep Anything femme At All and not even just minor seeming things , trash it all , any female clothes left behind is the Evil Chrysalis just awaiting to rise out again to crossdressing , sounds demonic , yes it is . I have now been married a Lot Longer than 30 years myself and I have seen this for myself .
Hi Joanne
First of all let me explain that I have been a crossdresser since the age of 7, and am on my third marriage. The first two were destroyed by CD (though it was actually a lot more complex than that). Lovely third wife knows and accepts but would rather that I did not dress. So for over two years now I have not had any female clothing and not crossdressed. Oh the mental side still wages it’s war against me, but physically I am free!
So now to you post. You confuse me when you say that you love being a woman but wish the urges you get from being a crossdresser would go away. I think that you have reached the point in your life that you want this confusion to end. I sense that you don’t wish to transition and suggest that you start to think of your urges as the addiction that they surely are. As with any addiction get rid of anything that feeds the addiction (are you with a female partner? If so this may be more tricky). When an urge comes along push it aside and do some thing else to take your mind away. It is hard! You really have to want to change. I suggest you read everything in this site and talk with Barnabas.
Regards Keith
Thanks Keith for the recommendations to Joanne. It’s good to hear from you after a long time 🙂 Glad to hear you are doing well.