By NHA:
The valley of the shadow…Psalm 23:4. Painting by Frederic Edwin Church.
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I’ve been fighting the toughest battle of my life. Weak spots in my defense system have been exposed, and as a result, I have been experiencing anxiety on a level I’m unequipped for. Anxiety has caused ills, real and imagined. Yet, I’ve not given in at all to the lust that has besieged me most of my life. I am thankful that that battle against CD, waged the past three years since I joined this site’s prayer group, has not been in vain. The truth I learned from the Scriptures and the men in the prayer group is that my identity will not be found in replacing a need with anything imaginary.
The battle for the truth always seems to be the toughest, doesn’t it? How many movies have we seen or stories have we read in which a truth is masqueraded with wants, imagined or real? It seems this is the theme from the dawn of man: Satan tempted Eve and Adam with perceived wants. He did the same to Jesus, attempting to appeal to Jesus’s human nature with want. Jesus, unlike Adam and Eve, responded to Satan’s enticements with truth.
I see more clearly than ever that I have put my pleasure, my glory, in the things of this life rather than in the person of God and the promise of the home he has prepared for me in Heaven. I have misplaced my affections. My eyes and heart and mind need to be centered on Christ alone. Scripture and wise teachers tell me I am primed for disappointment if my hope is set on things here.
Our adversary is no slouch. The devil has studied you. He knows your actions, knows your weaknesses, knows your lusts. He will exploit them at every turn. God tells us to bear the tools of war and resist the devil’s onslaught (Ephesians 6). And just when we are weary, ready to topple, God tells us to garner our last vestiges of strength and will to simply stand. It is at this moment, and especially if knees are buckling and we stumble, the devil will blow hard the dry winds and he’ll whisper, “You can’t press on. You’re a failure. A fraud. You ain’t redeemed. You’re not good enough for God.”
Brothers, get under my arms and help me stand. Let me help you endure the fiery arrows of accusation and misaligned desire. We all need to be adept at discerning the lies from the Truth. If we don’t, we’re no match for our sin nature and the devil’s pinpointed onslaught. Please read Romans 8 and Ephesians 6. You need to make a cognitive, willful choice to follow the Son, the Spirit, and the Father. A vague acquiescence of the Trinity will not suffice.
“Your Father loves you completely. Right here, right now.”
Friends, this CD addiction— ANY addiction— is a battle. You, me, and every person who loves Christ are soldiers (Philippians 2:25 and Philemon 1:2). God never said your calling was a sittin-on-a-dock-watchin-the-sunset vocation. You, we, must fight through some dark nights. Casualness is anguish and death. You already know the anguish; you taste it every time you buy a lie.
R. C. Sproul, in his book Surprised by Suffering, said there is a difference between believing in God and believing God. The joy your heart and soul desire will only come when your delight is in the person of God. In my most distraught moments, I sense that God ministers to me with this question: “Do you trust me?” The question gives me pause, because all my pain and worry is feeding on worry and placing my hope in needs met in the here and now. God answers my pleading prayer for deliverance and reason just as he answered Job— not with a why but with who.
The reason we can experience complete satisfaction in God is the same reason he is completely satisfied with you and me. It is because the broken relationship between us and God has been completely restored by Christ’s work on your behalf. We are adopted as full-fledged children of the King. You have access where you had none (Hebrews 4:16).
You’ve read we are to “fight the good fight” (1 Timothy 6:12). It is not a fight of attainment, but of focus. We are not fighting to gain approval (as the devil would suggest we do), but we fight to focus. Perhaps a good example is when Jesus called Peter from the boat. Eyes and heart and mind focused on Christ, Peter walked on water to Jesus. However, when Peter’s focus shifted from the who to the what, i.e., to the waves of trouble surrounding him, Peter sunk into the troubles ( Matthew 14:30-33).
If you follow Christ, you must become a fighter. You are fighting a world of things that seek to pull you off the path you’ve chosen. Jesus said, “Follow me.” That means follow him on the path he’s called you to. And know this— you’re in great company: “since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” (Hebrews 12:1-3).
None of us here are powerless. Yet, we are not powerful. God knows this. He has not forsaken us and left us to ruin, yet he has not snatched us from this cursed time. He has, however, deemed it to his good, perfect, pleasing, loving pleasure to have us discover him by leaning upon him and trusting him. He has provided the tools and his promise to always be your companion and your friend (Hebrews 13:5 and Joshua 1:5). You and I are equipped to stand firm against the temptations. Oh, we do give in too often. We hate that, don’t we? We must fight as comrades by encouraging one another to press on (see Hebrews 3:13 and Hebrews 10:24-25). Fight with all you’ve got to resist and not give in, even to the point of exhaustion. God will replenish your strength as you fight to seek him above all.
This isn’t an easy calling, brothers. If you claim to follow Christ, then you must do so without abandon, without excuses. When you find yourself tempted to step off the path that God has called you, shift your focus. Change your environment quickly. Run out of the house for a walk. Run an errand for your wife, friend, mom, dad, sister, whomever. Ditch your computer, phone, tv. If seemingly innocuous things like ESPN, cooking shows, Instagram, TikTok, in favor of a good novel or a book on knowing your Maker. Stick little notes throughout your life— on the walls, mirrors, computer, dashboard, on your dresser, closet doors, in your pockets— do whatever you need to do to focus on what you know is your one source of joy: your Savior, Father, Spirit.
Wrapping up— If you truly want to see God’s victory in your life, you gotta fight like a soldier in the trenches. We are not on vacation, men. We are in a battle. Don’t let the cushy life you see all around you mislead you. Compared to where you will spend most of your life— Heaven or Hell— this life is like a three-week vacation. Your life and your stated devotion to your one and only Redeemer is on the line. The joy and peace you and your soul desire are in the person of your Maker, Savior, Sustainer, Almighty. Resolve to stand firm against all that assails you. You can, we can. Together.
By NHA
Thank you NHA!
NHA that was really well written and encouraging article. I know, in theory at least, that what yoy say us spot on, we must as Christians fight for our souls that have, and continue yo be, destroyed by sexual immorality and/or plain lust. In my case it’s pure lust and filthy shameful talk online with crossdressers, femboys, sissys and trans girls, as well as regular gay guys. My pain, which goes way back to my teenage years (I’m 63 now) when I lost my father and mother at age 12 andx15 resp. and has grown bigger and bigger over the years due to failed relationships with 7 or 8 women (one being my best friend who about 8 years ago sent a friend to tell me she doesn’t want to speak or see me this side of eternity – how cold is that, chillingly cold to me and hurt me really bad….still hurting from it) is far too much for me to bear as it causes huge regret and anxiety and no hope for the future (which at my age may not be very long more). And the porn struggle has taken a big turn for the worst the last 2 years since I discovered an online gay video call forum where I have been openly talking to and exposing myself to other men, esp feminine femboys crossdessers and femboys, and that happened aftercspending a week in prayer and fasting with my home group ….like as if the enemy upped a gear when he saw I was getting serious in my attempt to stop watching porn and just directed me to that website. In the last 2 weeks I have installed Canooy Shield on all my devices so I cannot now access those, and most other, online porn sites, but deceitful and cunning as our sinful flesh is at finding stuff (the wrong stuff !) I can still see nudity and porn via interaction messaging with CDs on Facebook Messenger, which Canopy say they cannnot prevent as the FB messages are encrypted !! Sin always finds a way, helped along of course by our satanic enemy! I can stay pure or about a week or two but as the anxiety in my spul increases it’s just a mattter of time or a random sexual thought that pushes me back, and obce I fall again I binge for days on lust, impurity and sift porn via Facebook. I feel hopeless about ever overcoming as I have a long history (probably longer than mist guys on here) of failure. My pain is unbearble at times and I’m carrying this inside for years, despite constantly pleading with God for healing and going to many many therapists and counsellors and a few psychiatrists down the years and Leanne Payne conferences etc and lots and lots of deliverance & healing prayer. And because my pain remains unhealed my faith and belief He even exists has grown very very low, so I’m reduced to being a tojen Christian, i.e., a Christian in name only not action.
Barry, thank you for reaching out for help. I encourage you to be more active in the recovery group as that would help you a lot. Confess when you fail, check in regularly, ask for advice and prayer, maybe look for a committed accountability partner from the group. And talk through the things you mentioned with the group for help – discuss the triggers that cause you to fail and how to avoid them, discuss with the group strategies for using filters and programs better.
Don’t give up. Change is possible. And I don’t think you are a fake Christian. If you trust in Christ alone for your salvation and forgiveness and acceptance before God, you are a Christian. You are not perfect. But you are confessing and repenting and fighting sin. Don’t fight this sin from a place of trying to earn God’s acceptance. That is not the Gospel. And that is not the way to overcome. Fight the sin from a place of being overwhelmed by God’s love and grace, being full of joy thinking about Christ, and wanting to know him more and love him more.
Please do one thing for me. Spend one day fasting from food, focusing on hungering after God more than for food. Go for that day outside your home, to a state park, or city park. Spend that one full day in prayer and reading God’s Word. Just focus on trying to grow in intimacy with God. Don’t even focus on your sins that you described above. Focus on appreciating God’s mercy. Focus on God’s purpose and plan for your life. Focus on growing closer to God and worshipping him. And spend this day without any internet/media. Get away from all of that, out into nature, and focus on loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind and body.
Barry, I am so sorry for the pain that you experienced at such a young age. I can’t imagine the bewilderment at losing your parents. I do know that God completely understands every aspect, has bottled every tear. You are not alone, ever. Jesus knows.
God is completely satisfied with you if you have put your trust in the redemptive work of his son, Jesus. That is an amazing position to be in – to be completely forgiven and restored. You may not see it, you may not completely understand it, but your past is not being held against you. The Bible says there is no condemnation for those who trust Christ. Satan is ruthless and will not let you go easy. Old habits are hard to break, especially those that bring comfort or satisfaction even if not the healthy kind. We have to decide what we truly want. Jesus gives the parable of a man who sold everything he had to buy the field with the pearl. What are we willing to give up to have the ultimate joy?
If you believe even just a little that God can give you the joy that you seek, then abandon all the empty comforts. But as long as you hold onto them, you give Satan a way to continue eating away at you.
I wish you the same thing that I ask for myself – peace and courage.
understand what you are encouraging me to do in theory, but if I’m being brutally honest I think I may be losing my faith altogether as I just don’t feel any joy or comfort or love from God even though I’ve asked, asked again and again, pleadd and even begged for His healing love to sweep over me and make me love His presence more than the comfort, albeit very temporary and unfulfilling, that masturbation from lust and porn brings. I’m rightly stuck.
And Barnabas, I have fasted a few times recently for 3 days and more but nothing seems to happen except after it I’m feeling so weak and anxious that it doesn’t take long to fall again with lust.
I know that you looking at these my comments must be thinking I’m very stubborn and insincere, and maybe I am, but I’m bereft of comfort and hope.and so this utter dark and painful emptiness and deadness just constantly drives me to look for comfort, mainly sexual comfort, and I’m just feeling really weak and defeated with little or no will power to resist and fight………sorry.
Barry
I’m sorry Barry, this is hard. I have had seasons of life where I struggled to feel God’s presence as well. Sometimes in church history this is called the Dark night of the soul.
Are you part of a church right now? Have you talked to your pastor about the spiritual feelings you are experiencing as you described? I think you really need to talk to someone in person.
It may be that the crossdressing is only powerful right now because of the spiritual depression you are in right now. Would you be willing to read a book if I recommended you one?
Yes Barnabas what is the book?
I don’t feel I have much hope as my will to give up looking at crossdresser/trans porn is really really weak, mainly I think because of the HUGE anxiety laden oain I feel inside. I made a complete mess of my relationships with women down the years and it’s left me very lonely and hurt and zero hope of finding fullfilment in that way which has just increased my gay and CD fantasy craving. I managed to get Canopy Shield installed on my devices 2 weeks ago so I haven’t been able to access the usual gay video chat and other porn websites, but I’ve managed to be still able to chat and share images on Facebook Messenger and Canopy say they cannot prevent this as FB messages are encrypted, so I’ve been carrying on seeking out CDs and femboys on FB and exchanging impure disgusting texts abd occasionally images, abd the images these guys post om their profile pages though not explicitly naked is enough to excite and cause me to lust and fall into sin.
Yes I told my pastor at the very start of our new 1.5 year old church plant that I struggle with watching porn and so he doesn’t want me playing on the worship team, though he’s happy enough me doing sound coz there was just 2 of us and so he needed me, as he says it’s on the front line and sound is in back line ??, which has really discouraged me as I’ve been invokvedin playing and leading worship for many many years. And he hasn’t once offered to pray with me zbout my struggle….
Barry I’m really sorry to hear this. It’s hard to judge a pastor from a distance, we all have our weaknesses, but this is really disappointing that he didn’t offer to counsel you or pray for you. You could specifically request to talk to him about how you are feeling about your faith in general. Maybe he feels unequipped to help guys with porn addiction, but maybe he would be better at helping you think through your spiritual life.
Otherwise, perhaps you need to see a different pastor.
Two books that have made a huge impact on my life and helped me understood God’s grace and love better have been –
https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Self-Forgetfulness-Path-Christian/dp/1906173419/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.UE_aI6V63Q1sS4EQ45_UPsS36kTTeYot_IynkfQVQqYBKXVUZNgegaWz9gGRBLFT8a6NtdQMEuNp17MJOHC3tfvReniCXSsDpj3KZ9LKpYty1IvpAfJriORaV9K84NIYTPTvyWlgQI2K4gLHE_vh2Y54FbwzB0yhFi94viuPmRAWy2I-yHLy7PNUFftgjXnOOZRLZVZPEMO7LB1ouyuthM6e8x2UtxTCsDKv69mbDLQ.Lz-MlPvxs4fJIkPZ0Md4llQCetYjjAU6q2R5o2bnbDE&dib_tag=se&keywords=freedom+of+self+forgetfulness&qid=1714635919&sr=8-1
https://www.amazon.com/Prodigal-God-Recovering-Heart-Christian/dp/1594484023/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EG5WJ09C0IEF&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Xf0zFyuGil-phW8m2reXiif5MieeaQfSnEg3F410u5nwejo5QUfWwWHLF6vUW9xymWoerbNPvoYEtouNwCJ-Lt5AVb9VpfRbuKxCY1mEdszyQNYBiQaiX7bXc1jWV-7_nGgORPJIIxdtU7TqssILtl0tkaNLzpahmab6XVoNxl76k8EmNak4ckdO29hJqswS0egwpxcX7MCEglA6fN5sfD0HItE0REpS6Ucw0l44Sns.bYJv2ID5zaQO5N75_f97XuwWjHju2k8EVEuxGKXMYDU&dib_tag=se&keywords=prodigal+god&qid=1714635926&sprefix=prodiga%2Caps%2C430&sr=8-1
Are you married or no? If not, perhaps you can think of changing your living situation so that you are living with other people and not alone, that could help you a lot to beat this addiction.
Remember, no one can force you to look at porn. Even if you were not a Christian, you actually have the power to say no to this stuff. It’s your choice whether to keep looking at it or not. Don’t believe the lie that you cannot stop. So spend time thinking about whether you want to stop.
I’m praying for you!