There is a common type of argument in favor of crossdressing that is commonly given, especially to wives or friends of a crossdresser. I think the argument is intentionally deceptive. Unfortunately the argument is quite effective to those who aren’t familiar with what is really going on. Especially in the case of a wife, she might initially be convinced but only later see how much crossdressing consumes her husband’s life.
The argument can be defined by the following types of statements –
“They are just clothes, what’s the big deal?”
“Every culture is different, clothing is neutral.”
“Wearing a dress here isn’t really a big deal since in other countries men wear kilts or kimonos or sarongs or robes.”
“If a woman can wear pants, then why can’t I wear a dress?”
“Men should be allowed to enjoy colorful and soft fabrics.”
“Crossdressing is just a clothing choice for me, it’s not sexual.”
Basically the argument goes, crossdressing is just about wearing different clothes, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. Clothing doesn’t matter. So crossdressing should be allowed and tolerated and not thought of as wrong or strange. This kind of argument seems very persuasive at first glance. Yeah, what is technically wrong with me wearing fabric cut differently than how it’s normally cut for men? What reason is there to think that scientifically or morally women can wear high heels but men can’t? What’s the big deal? They are just clothes, so don’t make them out to be more significant than they are! There is nothing inherently feminine about a dress or skirt or high heels! They are not important. They should be allowed to be worn by men or women. These statements sound rational.
But if you think about it a little more carefully you realize that this argument is not actually true for the crossdressers themselves. It’s at best a rationalization that they tell themselves. The argument states that the clothing is not important, it’s not a big deal. But if that were true, why are the crossdressers so consumed with crossdressing? Why do crossdressers then say that it is impossible to quit crossdressing? Why do they say they cannot live without it and are utterly depressed when they repress the desire? You see, they are NOT “just clothes” to the crossdresser. They are far more special than that. It is highly significant to crossdressers that certain clothing is deemed “feminine” or “masculine.” Crossdressers probably more than all other people recognize the important differences between male and female clothing. In fact, they are so special that crossdressers are willing to do something that society thinks is utterly disturbing. They are willing to do something that most of them struggle to keep secret and live in fear of someone finding out.
If it is really true that crossdressers think that the clothes are no big deal, that it is just fabric and materials put together in a different way, then why not just go along with society and not make a big stink? Why put yourself at such risk? Why risk experiencing stigma? Why is crossdressing such an important “need” in your life? Why do it when so many people think it is unnatural and disturbing? Why do it when if affects so many people in your life and can even ruin relationships with children, cause a divorce, or make you lose your job? It can’t be just because you like the color, or like the feel of the fabric.
Let’s not fool ourselves. It’s important to be honest about why we do what we do. If you wish to continue crossdressing because you think it’s an inherent need or part of your identity, and you don’t think there is anything harmful about it, then make that argument. But please don’t make statements like, “they are just clothes.” In every culture there are distinctions between male and female dress, including our own. To pretend that isn’t the case is naive. Whether you are crossdressing for sexual reasons, or because of gender dysphoria, or to escape from reality, all of these motivations show that the clothing is EXTREMELY significant to you, and they are not “just clothes” to you. The clothes NEED to be different and feminine looking and distinct from men’s clothes in order to satisfy your motivation for crossdressing in the first place. Look at your motivations carefully and seriously before deciding whether to continue crossdressing or not.
For those who insist that there is nothing sexual about their crossdressing, I encourage you to read this article by Lawrence about the relational, emotional, and romantic aspects of crossdressing that are involved in autogynephilia. And read this post as well – Crossdressing for Emotional Comfort.
I’ve been battling some of these questions in my own life lately.
My wife cut my hair a few weeks back and put on my sandals to do so because of their convenience. Then I deal with the question, why would it be so wrong for me to wear her shoes when she wears mine and it’s no big deal at all?
I think I might ask her to refrain from wearing my shoes to aid me in my own struggle. Thoughts?
I realize there is a difference, but this question is tough to answer when I’m being tempted.
Great comment Snip, thank you for it. There is indeed a big difference in what she is doing and what you want to do, the motivation is key. She is not an addict, and you are. It does nothing for her, it’s simply utility, but for you that would not be the case.
However, it would be wise to share with her not to do things like that in the future. Something like, “there is absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that you wore my shoes, you were just needing to protect your feet in that moment. But when you do so, it conjures in my mind crossdressing thoughts, and makes me want to think of similar reasons to wear your clothes, which would plunge me back into my addiction. So even though it shouldn’t be a big deal, I would ask that because of my sinful addiction, you would serve me by not doing that again.”
I have had a conversation like this with my wife in the past, and it went very well.
I would have to agree they’re not just clothes. With me clothing is where it started. It started with a fetish for high heels. Runs so much deeper than that though. For my whole life I’ve been a smaller male at 5’5 and as a child I received testosterone shots because I was not developing had a normal pace for boys. very little leg hair but I look male with a broad set of shoulders handsome face etc etc. On top of being a quote unquote late bloomer my entire life type of female that interested me has always been elusive. Like many males I desire a particular body type and stature and my efforts have proved fruitless for the most part. So now 30 years later after a nasty divorce where I chose the wrong partner and lost a fortune, and losing my second spouse to breast cancer, since I am living alone I started was fetish activity around the home and it has progressed to full cross-dresser head to toe with makeup and wigs, high heels, stockings, and sexy under garments. You’ve heard of cross-dressing euphoria. It is so real so powerful and I am beyond content when I go through this ritual. It is alsi hyper sexual. If I have a block of time alone I can sit for hours fully dressed and feel so tranquil and I usually have a huge smile on my face. This reward system is of course contrary to my conservative upbringing so I am struggling with this new desire. It makes up for my inability to attract the type of female I’m interested in it makes up for two horrible prior relationships. I believe it is so powerful because I must have A fair amount of femininity in me because it feels also normal, I don’t want to go in public though. I’ve had my daughter asked me what happened why are you so happy? After having one of my cross-dressing sessions. I don’t think I’ll be able to give it up because it feels so good and it is so relaxing and I feel so content but yet apparently this is counter to God’s plan how can something that feels so good and is so cathartic be a bad thing? I would call it immense joy.. I can go on and on but I think I’ve made my point that it just feels so right and feels so cathartic. I love the tactile feeling of the clothing. I love the way I look.. I love the way it makes me smile.. I love all the colors period I love the look of my shapely legs that look more feminine than male. It’s probably no surprise this same set of feelings has progressed to desiring to be with a male but only acting as a female. I do not consider myself gay. This activity from a sexual perspective is probably five times the arousal level and then my typical male persona. I just wonder where it’s all heading, and think it would be impossible to stop doing, absolutely impossible. I just feel like a brand new person. So content, so relaxed, and so satisfied.
Thank you for the comment and for sharing your story. What you describe is so similar to most of us here.
Crossdressing, similar to other sexual addictions or drug addictions, certainly can bring about a great amount of pleasure. Escaping into fantasy, especially sexual fantasy, is incredibly satisfying on one level. Unfortunately it is an addiction that will ultimately take more than it gives. You asked, where is it headed? Just ask the other guys here, they will tell you. Read their stories. Read their testimonies.
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/guest-posts/
Or start with this –
http://www.tbuckner.com/TRANSVES.HTM
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/crossdressing-demands-sacrifice-of-self/
Even if you don’t decide to stop crossdressing, please know that you are very welcome here, and we are happy to have you dialogue with us on any of the different articles and posts. Please stay in touch
Hi Barnabas ,
I felt I should comment on this article . Believe me I know ,I mean for sure , to keep Any clothes which makes one feel feminine desires is a Chrysalis point to opening oneself to evil with open arms .
I have seen this personally online many guys who just start with a few femme clothes and this desire grows and grows , this is evil activity where one eventually actually receives the evil gift of actually feeling that inside they are actually a woman , a for real Total Euphoria, and should have been born one .One moves over time from being influenced by Evil to giving permission ( The Chrysalis Opens . )to female demonic possession and at this point , the skys the limit , There is no way around it , Divorce is Absolutely Necessary , HRT and name change and God forbid medical MTF operations .
ONE MUST TRASH ALL FEMININE CLOTHES AND PRAY TO JESUS just to start Recovery .