Written by William
When I decided to take the SAST test the first time, I was curious to find out how much I was thinking about sex and how much it was consuming my time. It was obvious that I had an obsession and the test showed that I am a sex addict. My own experience of CDing started at a young age, not for comfort, but it was acting out inappropriate behavior to actually get a physical high from fantasy/pretending. I would try on my sister’s clothes but she never found out. During my teens I would dress up like a girl to pretend and fantasize. When I cross dressed and the desire was to sexually act out, after the release would fade away, then things would be back to normal. I was giving the devil the opportunity to use my CDing to keep me captive as a victim to trap me in emotions, stresses, shame, guilt and lies.
I had allowed lust into my life in a big way that it consumed me and it kept me from having a social life too. When trying to get along with my siblings, the verbal abuse and physical fighting would start with my brothers, half brother and our father. The only way I coped with this was to isolate myself socially, and it led to mild depression. I was shy and quiet and all the time an over-thinker with lots of suppressed anger and when there were questions I would only answer with one word. When this happened I would gradually become closed minded and closed mouth.
There are times I even geared myself to shut down and go back into my shell where it felt safe and comfortable. This shell was my protection even from worldly influence. The more I wanted to understand my CDing behavior the more I got angry and frustrated with myself only to be back at square one resisting change. My CDing only added more anger, pains, anxieties, hurts and habits because it is all self-inflicted, self-directed, and it is self-destructive. It led to a life of loneliness. I am guessing that CDing and alcoholism or any type of addiction are not the same but on the level of addiction come with similar consequences. Most of my misguided actions I felt were uneasy, filthy, dirty, disgusting ways that brought shame and guilt along with the lonely isolation. Social isolation led to giving into the devil’s opportunity to conquer, destroy and kill my inward man.
It took years of realizing that I am not God and my life was out of control and unmanageable. That downward spiral meant going into hiding and keeping the CDing a secret as long as possible. Well that did not work very long. I kept that secret from my mother for less than a year. My mom knew somehow I had a problem and that secret came to the surface. She approached me and asked. I immediately shut down because I did not want to talk about my problem with her. My anger boiled inside me like a raging volcano ready to explode. It manifested with an outward expression of being ready to break any object. As the years went by and I seemed unable to stop CDing, and that piece of fabric gave me comfort, it felt like I was considering myself to be female. But it would never happen. At this point in my life I felt helpless and hopeless, thinking that I would lose my fight with the devil. But I know God is all powerful and mighty to help me to change my thoughts and thinking patterns.
Today, however, I still struggle with watching CD video images and pictures on YouTube in a compulsive or impulsive way. Sometimes the amount of time takes between 5 minutes and 30 minutes for my mind to affect my physical body to make it act out inappropriately. When looking at these images/pictures, they trigger my body to respond and react to engage in the sexual act of masturbation. When it’s over, everything seems to diminish. This addiction has claws and hooks, it steals my joy and delight. I need to change gradually or just go cold turkey on this sexual behavior. I hate this inside of me and I just want to rip it out completely. But at the same time why would I do that when the devil is already doing it to me? I have been victimized by the devil’s schemes and strategies. Father, I am a sinner but you “still” consider me a child of God. You help me to love me as You see me. Thank you for the mirror I see in You. I see an ongoing battle that I am trying to control by my own doing and by my willpower. Please hold me accountable to be vulnerable, open minded to your Holy Spirit.
I’m running to God at any given moment hoping to find joy in real life experiences. The dares and double dares keep coming, when the cding opportunity arises. I keep asking the Holy Spirit to give me self-control knowing my weakness is to do wrong. I have just enough strength to leave all my secrets at the foot of the cross. Why? So that Jesus Christ can do His work when I stand back and look at the big picture, I see how God is planning this out before me. I am blessed to have a loving and forgiving Father who says His grace and mercy are enough. When I was a child I had to hide all the secrets of my life. I did not want to be found out. When I got older the shame and guilt came over me heavily. When I accepted Christ into my life, God already knew of my secrets. The awareness of my sexual addiction brought the sense that I was only harming myself and my body. I realized how much emotional hurt I had inflicted upon myself. I had a lot of anxiety. I realized that “old habits die hard.”
I should know this boundary that God set before me and I stepped over that line of disobedience many, many times. I did not get the punchline at all that I needed to learn self-control to abstain from CD and MB.
I truly regret the behavior of CD, that it ultimately brought the MB that intensified my feelings, stresses and anxieties. These feelings caused a mild depression for a while. If I was not out socializing, I would stay to myself because I would internalize, analyze and try to figure out why I was so quiet and shy, and why I put myself in large group environments which is my greatest fear as an introvert. My fear is about taking a risk of stepping out of my comfort zone to meet new people and having that new awkward environment. There’s an obedience to self-control that produces growth in knowledge, spiritual, emotional, mental and well being.
Matt.5:27-28 You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” This very scripture could represent itself in the same sense that if you look at a woman (not knowing it is a crossdresser) but looks beautiful and you lust after her, I hate to say this but yes it is the same as committing adultery. So be careful that you might be tempted. In my experience, whether you’re an alcoholic or a crossdresser, I still believe that quitting or stopping cold turkey is the best thing you can do for healing to start. I am reminded of a game show years ago called “To tell the truth.” The format included fact and professional experience of 3 people who had to stretch or tell a white lie with a straight face of honesty. Each of them would have a turn to tell their side. Here’s the catch – you the audience had to figure out who was telling the truth.
God is more comforting and better looking than a piece of fabric. The fabric is like the devil’s way of temptation to enable sin and acting out. The physical sin that only leads to self-destruction and suppressing anger at yourself that does not help. God brings light even to the hardship of CD so that I can heal with purpose and make better life choices. Most of my choices have been bad decisions in my life and about my life. The need to confess my faults to myself, to God and to someone I trust fits with Matthew 5:8, “happy are the pure in heart.” I need to submit to every change even when it feels uncomfortable and to ask God to remove my defects of character. I need to yield myself to God to be used by my example and by my words “happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires” Matt. 5:10.
The effects of inappropriate actions led me to the feelings of deep shame and deep guilt from compulsive/impulsive behavior. This battle has been very long and full of silence and isolation and social withdrawal. Like most behaviors that are like extreme storms, Jesus Christ comes to calm them, Matt. 8:23-24. When I became aware of myself and more aware of my actions regarding CD, I let Christ remove my defects of character, so that the character of God is in place, Rom. 5:3-4. Sexual integrity needs to take into account “ALL” sexual addiction, including inappropriate attire and nakedness. One can be cleansed with purity through the Holy Spirit from such filthy physical actions of worldly conformity and influence. James 1:12 & 1:21 talk about perseverance and promises. The thief will come to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus Christ came to give life so that we have it to the fullest, John 10:10. Satan has used this very crafty tool against me and when I get trapped by it, it has me in its clutches and claws. Sin finds you out, Num. 32:23. In my childhood I had identified more with my mother and sister, and through that I started to CD at a young age.
“Let us examine our ways and test them and let us return to the Lord” Lamentations. 3:40. 2 Cor. 1:3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” Isaiah 30:15 says, “This is what the Sovereign Lord, the holy one says, “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.” Ecclesiastes 4:6 says, “Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” John 10:9 says, “I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture.” Num. 23:19 says, “God is not human, that he should not lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Heb. 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.” Isa. 43:19 says, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Rom. 12:1-2 says, “I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
My plan is to stop this behavioral pattern with the help of the Holy Spirit to do His work by my side. I have to use self-discipline, self-accountability and to be vulnerable to God to keep me on track to help me. And I need the support of others to communicate with about my sexual behavior addiction. I will continue with Celebrate Recovery 2 times a week with step study groups, attend open share groups and attend a Life Group meeting through my church. I have invested the last 4 years and I want to continue the healing process so I can “LET GO“ and “LET GOD DO HIS WORK” in me. This is not finished. This is my story to let my past be healed, ultimately to be free from sexual behavior. THE CHAINS WILL BE BROKEN. Thank you for letting me share.