Written by NHA

I struggled with crossdressing (CD) for many years. I kept it a secret from everyone. My wife, Lisa, may have had an inkling that I crossdressed now and then, but it had been many years since I admitted it when she noticed fuzz from her velvet dress on the floor. Since then, I had been ultra careful not to leave any traces when I crossdressed.

As a kid, having a secret was only fun if you had someone to share it with. Otherwise, it seemed torture not to be able to tell anyone the secret you had. Thus, I avoided any invitations for gossip and the like. Some secrets, like when I stole a few Matchbox cars from a store, were so hard to carry that I eventually would share my deeds with my parents. Yes, I received punishment, but that was nothing compared to the welcome relief I felt from keeping something hidden.

As a married man, I don’t keep secrets from Lisa. That doesn’t mean I tell her everything I do, but it does mean that if my wife asks me about anything, I have no problem telling her the truth. For example, if I purchased something that was outside of our monthly budget, say, a tool for a home project, I might feel a little guilty about it. If my wife asked about the purchase, I wouldn’t keep the truth of the purchase from her. A conflict might ensue, but that simply meant that we would come to an understanding of how we would proceed going forth. We might tweak the budget, for example, but we did not keep secrets.
Crossdressing was different. That was my secret. Why? Because I was embarrassed. I wasn’t infringing on our budget nor was I doing anything that I felt would compromise my commitment to my wife and marriage. I never purchased CD items; I would wear my wife’s clothing, taking care to not damage them.

Yet, I hated this secret fetish.

I recall, before we married, that every time I experienced something wonderful on my own, I always wished Lisa was there to share it with me. Conversely, carrying the CD habit alone wore on me. I tried to tell my wife about the struggle so that perhaps she could help with prayer and insight to free myself from its appeal, but Lisa had been sexually abused as a child and wasn’t (yet) in a place to handle my struggle, and crossdressing was clearly connected with dysfunction in the sexual realm.

I struggled off and on (mostly off) for many years. I dare not go to anyone in our church or community with my struggle. I feared being misunderstood and mislabeled. I had seen the damage people’s ignorance played in their well-intentioned judgement. And all my friends seemed to be well-balanced individuals. I had nowhere to turn, so I kept CD a secret.

Fortunately for me, my struggle was well-managed. In hindsight, I see that CD urges were aroused when I was either idle, overwhelmed, lacking purpose, lacking affirmation as a person or in my career, or lacking regular intimacy with my wife. In those moments, CD was an escape from the pressures of manhood. In retrospect, after learning much through this ministry, I realize that I had misappropriated women’s attire with womanhood, which I further assumed was easy compared to being a man.

Fortunately, those times of feeling insecure and letting my guard down were not common, as I was very busy with work that I enjoyed and with Lisa and our kids. There wasn’t much down time to indulge in CD.

Yet, I hated that there was an aspect to me that I had to keep hidden, and worse, that I had nowhere to turn for help. Until I found this ministry, which offered help to those seeking healing from crossdressing.

I don’t recall how I stumbled upon the ministry or its website. My guess is that it showed up in search results when I was searching something along the lines of “is life as a woman easier than being a man?” Seeing this ministry pop up was a Godsend. For the first time in my life, I realized I was not alone in my struggle. There were others who understood, and, most importantly, had found deliverance from CD through God and the Scriptures.

My point in this brief testimony is to say that I understand the struggle of carrying a secret and either being too ashamed to seek help or not knowing anyone that can help. Perhaps, like me, both of those things were true. They were for me until I stumbled upon this ministry.

I don’t feel the need to go into the details of my struggle. Suffice it to say that I basically associated women’s attire with femininity. As a man, I thought that it was my responsibility to care for my wife and our children. I had to always have an answer to our family’s needs. I had to make sure that I was a consistent provider. I had to be strong. I mistakenly thought that women did not carry any of these burdens. Even in the bedroom, I had to be the ready and joyful initiator, whether I felt like it or not. I assumed my wife didn’t need to “do anything” to engage. The bedroom was an apt metaphor of my being tired of always having to rise to the occasion. Being a woman seemed like you just had to show up. I assumed that looking beautiful and feeling sexy was the default for women. Ha! How deluded I was!

It only took a few months for me to being to be free from crossdressing. Here, on this site, I realized I had an addiction. I thought I was a “good Christian,” free from any addiction, anything controlling me. What a relief it was to begin to see the truth of my struggle. This site and the men who I met through the support groups allowed light to shine in a dark place. I am forever grateful to God and the people of this ministry. I am free.

By shedding light on crossdressing and gaining an understanding of crossdressing’s hold on me, this ministry equipped me to gently share my dark side with my wife. I cannot tell you how good it felt to no longer keep this burden from my wife. “Through understanding a house is built, and by understanding it is established; By knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches,” says Proverbs 24:3-4. Indeed, how wonderful it is to have light shining freely in our home and in the formerly dark place in me.

If you’re confused about your identity as a man, especially as a man devoted to living a life worthy of a response to God’s love for you, then this ministry is a gold mine. Here you will find plenty of testimonies and wisdom to help you make sense of not only crossdressing, but issues with gender dysphoria and related struggles.

A good place to start is to browse the articles on this page. The biggest help for me was joining the Christian recovery group. I found tremendous encouragement from men who also struggled or had struggled with crossdressing. There is a non-religious group as well. There are other support groups, including a group for wives and parents. Visit the website and click on the Support Groups menu tab for more information.

A note about privacy. As I shared above, privacy was a very big concern for me. I did not want to risk exposure in any way, shape, or form. This ministry understands and values the need for privacy, and will never disclose your or anyone’s information. There are ways that you can proceed with confidence, including signing up for an anonymous email account (do a websearch for “anonymous email”. Our Discord support group is an excellent resource for privacy and support.

Secrets are a burden to carry. Especially when it’s a secret that you’re terrified to reveal. If that secret is crossdressing or confusion about your gender, you’ve found a terrific place to share your burden in private with others who too have been in your shoes.

Written by NHA