This post is about sexual addiction. For a definition of sexual addiction see the Cleveland Clinic article here. For a better understanding of sexual addiction related to autogynephilia and transvestic fetishism, see these posts: Orientation and Addiction, and Autogynephilic Addiction Never Satisfies.
Men who want to quit crossdressing, stop looking at porn, or stop imbibing autogynephilic and transgender online content often say things like:
“I keep relapsing. Giving up this addiction is hopeless.”
“I’ve tried to quit so many times, but failed every time.”
“I went for so long, only to fail again. Why should I keep trying?”
“Will I ever be really free?”
“Will God really forgive me this time? I have failed so many times.”
“I just want to be done with this stuff forever, but I keep going back.”
Have you said these things before? This post is for you. I’ll write generally so that you can apply this post to any sexual addiction you face, whether it’s pornography, sissy hypnosis, crossdressing, transgender fiction, or other types of autogynephilic online content. The men we are trying to help often struggle with following through with the recovery process to overcome addiction. Sometimes this is because they do not actually take the required practical steps necessary to overcome addiction and think they can stop simply by exerting willpower. Making a decision to stop is only the first step. By itself, it’s not enough. On this point, see the post – No More Half Measures.
But other times, men fail to see the real progress they have actually made in overcoming addiction and give up on the recovery journey out of hopelessness. I write this article to help men overcome this blindness, and be able to recognize the good things that God is doing in their lives. Overcoming addiction doesn’t take place in a day. If men bail on the recovery process just because of relapses that occur, then they cheat themselves out of true change and ultimately, freedom from addiction. The problem is that many men do not understand the true nature of overcoming addictions, and perhaps more importantly, sometimes Christian men do not understand the true nature of the sanctification process in the life of a Christian. This lack of understanding leads some men to conclude that they tried to quit, but failed, and so they might as well continue to engage in the sexual activity/addiction. It leads others to despair and they feel like they have made no progress. They feel hopelessness and depression.
In this post, I’d like to help men who are recovering from sexual addiction to have a better and more realistic assessment of their progress. How do you measure progress and change? The reality is that some men are fully still stuck in addiction and they actually are not making any progress. There are many possible factors that could make their “quitting” ineffectual. On the other hand, there are men who are experiencing transformation and real healing and growth, but because they don’t understand the nature of addiction, and the nature of sanctification, they are at risk of depression or of giving up on their recovery journey.
First, I’ll look at the psychological realities of overcoming sexual addiction. And then second, I’ll explain the process of sanctification. Last, I’ll provide a self-test you can use to measure your own recovery progress (or lack thereof).
Psychological Perspective
God has given his common grace to this world, to all people. God is at work keeping things from being as bad as they could be, and providing goodness and truth in the world. Through his creation, God gives to this world medicine, doctors, psychological knowledge of how addiction works, supportive friends, and human conscience. The psychological perspectives below are not from the Bible. Rather, they are insights that men have gathered from observation into how God’s creation and people operate from a psychological standpoint.
1. To measure your progress you have to analyze your own cycle in acting out (from PsychCentral), and see if you have experienced change and deviation from that cycle. It is not very helpful to compare yourself to other addicts. If you used to act out every day but now you act out once a month, you’ve made real progress and experienced change. If you used to act out every 3-4 weeks, and you are still acting out every 4-5 weeks, you haven’t really made much progress. If you are relapsing less and less frequently, you are making progress, and you can celebrate that!
2. You can also measure your progress by evaluating the content of your relapses. If you used to look at hardcore porn once a month, but now once a month you are only fantasizing in your head, then this is progress even though the frequency is the same. If you used to relapse by binging on TG stories online for 4 hours at a time, but now your relapses consist of reading a story for only 10 minutes, then this is progress as well. Even more important, see if you have times where you start the addictive activity for some minutes, but then halfway through you get convicted, and you actually stop. The ability to stop yourself in the midst of harmful pleasurable activity is not easy, and is something to definitely celebrate.
3. Measuring the frequency of your temptations is another way to evaluate change. The more free we are from addiction, the less we desire to give in to our vice. This has been one one of the most encouraging measures as I look at the change in my life. While I take joy in celebrating my abstinence from giving in to crossdressing or related activities, I take even more joy in realizing that I can go months at a time without even a thought in my mind of a desire to give in to such activities. If you notice that the times you feel really tempted to give in, the times of serious battle, are getting fewer and farther between, then celebrate this! See this post for more – Our temptations should lessen over time.
4. With addicts, it’s important to note a common phenomenon of sexual anorexia (from PsychCentral). Usually when a sex addict first has a conviction and motivation to quit, they will be really turned off to their sexual compulsions for a period of time. From my observations, this can be for a week or even a few months, before temptations resurface again. Therefore, it is important not to try to determine if someone has been “healed” or “overcame” addiction too quickly. Unfortunately, I have seen many crossdressers who pronounced a desire to quit crossdressing and then they testify online that they have been healed! They claim they have quit crossdressing completely, or they may even boldly say they have no crossdressing desire at all anymore. Unfortunately, I’ve seen way too many of these guys fall back into crossdressing again after 6 months when the desires return. This is not true recovery. I’m grateful that this period of sexual anorexia/abstinence is usually there, as it gives addicts the space to work out the underlying issues causing them to be consumed by addiction. But it’s easy for some to mistake this temporary reprieve for actual recovery, when it isn’t.
5. Some addicts also think they are “cured” or that they have overcome, because they have fallen in love with someone. While they have those sudden feelings of excitement and romance with a real person, their sexual addiction falls into the background. But this is not recovery. This person has not done the hard work of overcoming their addiction. He has simply become temporarily distracted by the real person. But even if he gets married, there will come a time when disappointment creeps in and life gets back to normal. The excitement has gone. And now the addict returns to their sexual addiction. This time though, he is not alone, and he is plunging headlong into destroying another person’s life along with his own. Many crossdressers think marriage or a romantic partner will cure them. But if they have not really resolved or overcome their slavery to autogynephilia or crossdressing before marriage, then usually it’s just a temporary reprieve while they focus their energies on their wives, and then later, the autogynephilia will reassert itself on a rainy day when they are bored or alone, and restart addiction.
6. We have to understand relapses. A temporary relapse does not rule out that a person is in a healthy process of overcoming addiction. Relapses should not be seen as inevitable, but they are a common aspect of a normal recovery process. It is very hard to quit addiction in a day and never give in again. To quote Ewan – “The first thing to consider is that if relapse is going back, you’ve already moved forward. Recovery is not a straight path up the mountain. In every mountain there are steps down as well as up. There are tricky moments through a bog, or diversions round fallen trees. Recovery is a case of two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back. You can not relapse until you’ve had growth. You cannot go back unless you have already gone forward. So think about where you’ve come from.”
(From RecoveryRanch.com) “It is essential to know that relapse is a natural part of recovery, especially from something as complex as sexual addiction. It is possible for people recovering from sex addiction to have multiple relapses before finally achieving long-term abstinence.”
7. Another important way to measure your recovery process is looking at your feelings and mood. Part of sexual addiction is overloading your brain with dopamine. It causes a person to be unable to enjoy the normal things in life such as a seeing a sunset, walking with a friend, eating a tasty meal, or playing sports with your kids. A sex addict finds everything dreary and gray and only the dopamine hits from their addiction are able to make them feel good, always just for that temporary time. As you recover from sexual addiction, after months of abstinence, you should be able to notice yourself increasingly enjoying the normal things of life again. If you notice that, celebrate that huge aspect of recovery!
8. Related to point #7, after abstaining from your sexual addiction over many months, you should also begin to notice increased healthy sexual desire for your spouse. Or if you are not married, you may begin to take a greater interest in dating or have more attraction to women that you see. For those of us who have a different sexual orientation or another strong paraphilia, this point may not be as relevant. I do believe some people experience change even in their desires and attractions, but I won’t distract from this post by getting into it here. It is healthy and something to celebrate if you experience increased desire for your wife, a real person, over porn or your crossdressed self.
9. Part of overcoming sexual addiction is not just on the negative side of “don’t do this” and “don’t do that” but focusing on positive improvements to life. Instead of going to your addiction to soothe your soul and to meet your felt needs, you need to develop positive healthy ways to meet those needs. Part of overcoming addiction is meeting new people, having new adventures, learning new hobbies and skills, finding a meaningful job or volunteer work, and setting personal goals and vision for your life. All people need meaning and purpose in life. When you remove the dopamine rushes you used to get from addiction, you have to have other healthy ways to enjoy life. You need other things to look forward to. You need other reasons to get up in the morning. Without this positive side of overcoming addiction, I think most people have almost zero chance at being successful. If you are seeing new changes in this area, feeling more joy in life, and having new positive experiences, celebrate this as an important part of your recovery as well.
10. The quality of your relationships with other people is a significant way to measure progress in overcoming addiction. As you become more free of addiction and less self-absorbed in seeking only your own pleasure, your relationships with other people will improve. I don’t mean only your spouse, but also your children, your relatives, your friends, and your coworkers. As you are less caught up in yourself, you begin to care more about other people. You begin to meet more of your needs through healthy relationship with people. You spend more time with people rather than by yourself in your sexual addiction. You have more emotional stability and are treating people more kindly. If you yourself changing in this area, this is another area of recovery to celebrate.
11. You can also measure whether you have achieved goals you set for yourself in terms of recovery. If you never set any goals at the beginning, you could still do so now and evaluate after 3 months and again after 6 months. A goal might be some benchmark in the recovery process that is significant, yet not a mark of full recovery. For example, a pornography addict may have set a goal to never again access a certain website that he was hooked on. Another goal might be to share within one month about the sexual addiction with your spouse, or perhaps with a friend or family member. Another goal might be to meet with a pastor or start attending church again. Or to meet with a counselor to work through inner wounds and personal trauma. Or to read a certain book on sexual sin or 10 articles related to your specific addiction. Or setting up a new accountability partnership with a friend. Or joining a recovery group. Or installing an internet filter. Or growing a beard for the first time. Or purging all of your feminine clothes. Or deleting AI off your devices. Actually taking these steps is a mark of change, and should be celebrated as progress in the recovery journey.
If you have found that you are seeing most of the changes above, even though you are not yet fully abstinent from your sexual vices, you can still be thankful for the real progress you are making in overcoming addiction. Don’t give up! Keep on making changes, keep getting help, and keep moving forward. You can overcome this fully. You’ve already made significant changes in your life. Don’t believe the lies that another relapse means that you might as well give up. No! You are changing and becoming the person you want to be, someone who is healthier, not a slave to addiction, someone who is enjoying life.
Recovery from sexual addiction is an objectively good thing, but it pales in comparison to being reconciled to the God who created us, being set free from slavery to sin, and having God’s love and presence in our lives. For those of you reading who do not yet have a relationship with God through Jesus, please consider talking to us about how you can get to know the Lord and have your life forever changed. There is nothing more important.
Sanctification Perspective
For Christians who are reading, we now turn to the topic of sanctification. When it comes to measuring progress in terms of overcoming sexual addiction, Christians can flounder if they have a wrong view of sanctification. How can we know if we are doing well? We need to understand the nature of sanctification in order to properly measure where we are at in our fight against sin and our relationship with God.
Let’s start with some basic definitions. When we repent of our sin, believe in Jesus as our savior and put our trust in him, we are justified. To be justified means to be declared righteous in God’s sight. Justification includes forgiveness of sins, and Christ’s righteousness given and applied to us so that we can stand before God and be declared innocent. We are accepted as his children with our punishment taken away. Justification is a one-time work of God by his Holy Spirit. Sanctification is also a work of God through his Spirit. Sanctification is the process by which we are made more holy and more like Jesus. The righteousness of Jesus is what saves us even while we are still sinners. But sanctification is the process by which we are being changed and becoming more righteous throughout our lifetimes. The Holy Spirit works in us so that we change in our character, exhibit the fruit of the Spirit, and do good works that honor God.
Sanctification begins immediately when we are born again by the Spirit. We begin a new life where we are no longer slaves to sin (Romans 6:5-7). We thirst for holiness and righteousness. Because we are born again, we have new hearts. Our new hearts actually long to glorify God, worship him, and fight against sin. Although sanctification is from the Holy Spirit, sanctification is not passive. Look at Philippians 2:12-13 – 12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. It is God who works in us, but at the same time we have to work out the actions, putting in real effort. We turn away from sin, repent of it, confess it, and turn towards God (see Romans 8:13, Galatians 5:16-25, 2 Corinthians 7:1). Sanctification is holistic. We not only change in terms of our outward actions, but our hearts gradually change more and more so that even our motivations and attitudes become more right and holy. We hate sin more and more and love Christ more and more. It is also a process that will only be complete when Jesus returns. Over our lifetimes we change and grow, but it is only when Jesus comes back and fully makes us new, that we will fully sin no more.
Now, why am I saying our view of sanctification is critically important to this issue of sexual addiction? I see some men who despair of their salvation because they still have relapses. They wonder if they are truly in Christ and worry that they are going to Hell. I see other men get extremely depressed and frustrated that they still experience temptations. Sometimes they blame God for not taking their temptations away. I see other men who have become lazy in their fight against sin, not taking it seriously. All of these issues can be traced to misunderstandings of sanctification. Let me address four types of men generally and I will try to gently correct their misunderstandings of sanctification.
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- The Comfortable – These men are putting their focus only on justification but not taking seriously what the Bible says about sanctification. They continue to sin and wallow in the mud of their sexual addiction. Each time they fall into sexual sin, they repent, and ask for God’s forgiveness. But they keep on going back, over and over. They are making no progress. They appear as if they are still stuck in slavery. Some of them appear to be a little bit comfortable with making no progress.
- The Perfectionists – These men have come to believe they are almost perfect and no longer struggle with sin. They have a very narrow understanding of sin, thinking that it’s just a matter of refraining from certain outward actions. Some may have become proud. They therefore judge others harshly when they relapse. They can appear to believe that others are not true Christians if they are still struggling with sexual addiction.
- The Pacifists – These men believe sanctification should be an easy process without battles to fight against temptation. They pray that God would take away their sinful desires, not that God would give them strength to overcome them. On the extreme end, this leads some to conclude, “if God really wanted me to refrain from sexual sin, he WOULD remove the temptations I face.” They can end up turning away from God and go back to their sin. They don’t seem to believe that it is possible to overcome temptation with self-control, only that the temptation itself must be removed. On the the less extreme side, these are men who are continuing to fight sin, but they regularly are frustrated or angry with God for not doing what they thought they were entitled to, that is, taking away their desires for sexual sin.
- The Despairing – These men question their salvation and wonder if they are truly God’s children. They are the main people I have in mind for this post. They fail to see sanctification as a long term process. Each time they relapse they have a crisis of faith. Does God still love me? Am I going to Hell? Is God going to punish me now? They tend to overlook any progress that they have made. They can make sanctification into an all or nothing scenario. Either I’m perfectly free from sexual sin, or I am not a Christian. They are almost like the perfectionists in this regard, except they find themselves on the side of those who are very imperfect, and therefore lost.
To the Comfortable I say:
Don’t be deceived. Without holiness no one will see the Lord. See Hebrews 12:14. Faith without works is dead. See James 2. If you truly are born again, your life will change. If there is no change, and you are still wallowing into sexual sin, you should doubt your justification. Why? Because justification and sanctification always, always, always, go together. God finishes what he starts. Those whom God saves and justifies, he also sanctifies, and will one day glorify (see Romans 8:30).
Think about 1 John 3:7-10 – 7 Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. The one who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. 8 The one who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. 9 No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God. Do you see? You don’t have evidence that you are truly in Christ if you keep on sinning, without real repentance – turning away from sin. If you don’t take your sin seriously, and just stay stuck in it, you have actual reason to doubt your relationship with Christ.
I’m not preaching to you salvation by works. We are saved only, fully, and completely, by Jesus, not by our works. But the Bible is also very clear that those who are born again live new and different lives. Not lives of perfection. But we begin to hate sin, we fight against it, we repent, we confess, we produce fruit of the Spirit, we do good works, we love God more, and love our neighbors more. If you are lacking those evidences of salvation, you should ask yourself why that is.
2 Corinthians 13:5 – 5 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 – 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
I cannot say who is truly in Christ and who is not. But I encourage you to do some self-reflection. Look at your life. Is there evidence that you know Christ? If you are really in Christ, and the Holy Spirit lives within you, then I am very confident that you will be convicted of your sin and do whatever it takes for you to overcome these sexual sins. Even if the pace of change is very slow, you will see change. If you are not sure that you really know Christ, then I hope today will be the day of change. Fall on your knees, repent of your sin, surrender fully and completely to Jesus, and begin a new life with him of joy and peace and victory.
To the Perfectionists I say:
None of us is without sin. Read and meditate on the book of 1 John, especially chapters 1 and 2. Sanctification should be real and evident in our lives. But we will all continue to fight against sin and fall short of perfection, until Jesus returns. Think about the fact that all of the New Testament letters were written to real churches. If Paul and Peter and James had to warn about such sins in those churches, might we assume that Christians in those churches were struggling with those very sins?
If you have overcome sexual addiction, praise be to God! But do not think you have arrived. Go further in, further up! How can you grow in your love for God to love with your whole heart, mind, and soul? How can you grow in your love for other people? What things still need to change in your heart?
And remember to have mercy on those who are still struggling. Sanctification is a process. They are still in that process. Show grace and patience.
Matthew 5:7 – Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Galatians 6:1 – Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Ephesians 4:2 – Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Remember how crazy and astounding God’s forgiveness is for struggling brothers and sisters. It is far beyond 70 times 7!
Matthew 18:21-22 – 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Please meditate also on Luke 18:9-14.
To the Pacifists I say:
Why did you expect the Christian life to be easy? Jesus said to take up our crosses to follow him. And do you know what? We still have an enemy. Satan is still trying to make us fall. We still battle against our flesh as well. Stop insisting that you will only fight against sin if God makes it easy for you. God’s plan is for you to learn how to fight sin by relying on the Lord, and drawing close to him. God has allowed these battles to take place as part of the way we actually change in our character and fellowship with God as we get strength from him. I have already written on this at length, so I ask you to please read these posts – Healing Doesn’t Mean No More Temptations and Persevere! It’s going to be a long struggle and The war is fought one battle at a time and Our temptations should lessen over time.
Sure, God could have fully removed our desire to sin already. But for his plan and purposes he has allowed us to experience them in this life. God wants us to learn to fight sin through our hunger for righteousness, through our desire to please God, through our meditating on his Word, and through learning how to walk in step with the Holy Spirit. When we struggle, we learn to appreciate God’s grace more fully. We learn to hate sin. We learn humility. Without this battle, God wouldn’t be able to teach us important character traits like self-control, perseverance, and discipline.
2 Corinthians 12:6-10 – 6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
You are right to desire the temptations to go away. The good news is that our desires and temptations will change over time. As we grow in holiness and closeness to Christ, we will desire what is good more, and desire what is evil less. But for most of us, this doesn’t happen over night but over many years. Embrace the reality that you have a fight ahead of you. But the Lord will be with you in it. As you experience victory over temptations, slowly your heart will change and you will desire these sins less and less.
To the Despairing I say:
In the Christian life, we do aim for perfection, but we will not be perfect until Jesus returns and makes us new. In the meantime, what is most important is to see if the direction of your life has changed. Are you growing in holiness? Are you growing in your relationship with Christ? Is there visible progress and change in terms of your struggle with sexual sin? If you are slowly changing, sanctification is taking place. Be at peace about this and don’t doubt your salvation and don’t doubt God’s love for you. Take time to notice and celebrate the changes that God is making in you.
When you fail, you need to stop despairing, and stop looking at yourself. Look to Christ. You are not saved and loved and accepted through good performance, you are saved and loved and accepted because of Christ and his perfect righteousness. We do not live under condemnation. Read these as examples – 10 Minute Relapse and Resentment, Compromise, and Escalation = Failure. Yet we rejoice in Christ!
When you fail, don’t let yourself binge out of control and restart your addiction. And don’t get mired in guilt, hating yourself. You are a new creation in Christ. And don’t believe the lies that there is no hope for change. When you fail, confess and repent quickly, run to Christ, rejoice in God’s grace, and then get back into your life of freedom, joy, and holiness. Keep learning how to fight against sin and have freedom over it. Walk in step with the Spirit. Live with joy and thanksgiving because of what God has done for you.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 – 3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.
1 John 2:1-2 – 2 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.
Philippians 1:4-6 – 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Self-Test to Measure Change
The main purpose of this test is to help men notice and identify real changes taking place in their lives, so that they understand that they are actually progressing, improving, and recovering, even if they cannot yet say they are totally recovered and free from their sexual addiction. This will prevent guys from becoming hopeless or depressed, or giving up. Sanctification is a process. And recovery from addiction can take time, but as long as you are making forward progress, you know you are still on the right path.
- Is there a greater and greater number of days in between each relapse?
- Is the length of time spent in each relapse shorter than before?
- When you do have a relapse, are you engaging in less extreme behavior and content than before?
- When you do have a relapse, are you confessing more quickly afterwards compared to before, both to God and to people?
- When you do have a relapse, are you sometimes able to have conviction and stop yourself halfway through, before you’ve quenched your thirst for the sin?
- Are you now spending less time in borderline behaviors that often lead to temptation?
- Are the times that you give in to fantasy in your mind becoming less and less?
- Do you feel like the times you are tempted or have strong desire for sexual sin are less often compared to before?
- Do you find yourself praying during times of temptation more than you did before?
- Have you intentionally identified your major triggers to failure, and your underlying needs that you try to meet through your addiction?
- Are you handling suffering and hardship in your life in healthier ways now, going to the Lord and other people when you feel down?
- Have you been intentional to start an accountability partnership?
- Have you been intentional to join a recovery group?
- Have you purged all paraphernalia or clothing related to your sexual sin?
- Have you installed an internet filter to reduce temptation?
- Do you feel less like a slave to your addiction than you felt before?
- Have you come to a point where you hate the sin more now than you did before?
- Have you reached a place where you want to overcome your sexual addiction for yourself, rather than only because of the fear of consequences or the demand of your spouse, which might have been how your recovery started?
- Are you more honest and trustworthy and open in your relationship with your spouse compared to before?
- Are you more honest and open in other relationships compared to before?
- Have you completely removed lies from your life?
- Are your relationships with your spouse and other people improving and becoming more healthy?
- Do you desire your spouse more than before? (even if you are in a period of abstaining from sex and rebuilding the trust in a devastated marriage).
- Have you grown less self-absorbed during recovery, giving your spouse time to heal and rebuild trust after your betrayals, rather than putting pressure on your spouse to go back to normal right away after the discovery of your sins?
- Are you enjoying other areas of life more than you were before? (time with spouse, kids, hobbies, church, job, friends, etc.)
- Are you serving people in real life more than you used to, living more unselfishly, and caring for others more?
- Has the fight against sexual sin, and abstaining from it, allowed you to start having the space to now notice and work on other sinful behaviors in your life?
- Do you spend more time praying and reading God’s Word and being involved in your church than before?
- Most importantly, have you grown in your intimacy with Christ and joy in your salvation?
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