I want to counteract what I see as false advertising on the internet, even if that false advertising is unintentional. Crossdressers on internet forums and blogs make out that giving up crossdressing is a sure-fire way to be miserable and stressed out, a sure-fire way to have a horrible life. There are many fears stoked about becoming a John 50 if you repress, that one day you will wake up and realize you’ve wasted your life because you didn’t transition earlier. That all your years being miserable with gender dysphoria in secret are not worth it, and you will eventually crack. Many crossdressers argue that if you give up crossdressing you are only harming yourself because you can’t accept that you are really a crossdresser and will always be one. Or that you really are trans and should transition into living as a woman. Even those who are self aware about autogynephilia often argue that autogynephilia should be embraced as your sexual orientation and an integral part of your identity and so the sooner you embrace and affirm that part of yourself, the better.
Now, I understand that they truly believe this and so their motivation is actually that they are trying to be caring to others. They want to save other crossdressers from despair and from wasting money on purges, and from feeling miserable trying to suppress their desires. They don’t want people to experience deep regret over years of their lives that they cannot get back.
But I want to say that the John 50 story is just one story, and it is not always the case. It sure was not for me! And I would guess that there are thousands of others who have given up crossdressing and are completely happy about it. They just don’t have the time to make a website about it, or don’t have the care or interest to go on crossdressing forums and tell people about it. We have many such guys, living happy lives without crossdressing, without indulging their autogynephilia, in our recovery groups and some of them have written up their testimonies. I would guess that most crossdressers only hear from and talk to other active crossdressers, thus they continue to think that it’s nearly impossible to give up crossdressing. Or they think that if you do give up crossdressing you will only be miserable. Surely those reports are there too, of people who have quit crossdressing temporarily and then reported feeling miserable after doing so. I’m not always sure why some of them do not find happiness when they give it up, but perhaps it is due to other factors and challenges in their lives, or that they have not dealt with the internal root causes driving their AGP or crossdressing desire, or that they were not going about giving up crossdressing in a healthy way.
The John 50 story does not describe me at all. Not crossdressing does not make me feel like I am suppressing anything. Not crossdressing does not make me feel unhappy. Not crossdressing does not make me feel depressed. Not crossdressing does not make me feel like I’m not being myself. I feel so much less stressed and so much more joyful. I also feel more content in being a man. I feel like a man and enjoy being a man. John 50 was dealing with secret gender dysphoria that made him miserable, until he finally cracked. My gender dysphoria is almost absolutely completely gone. There is no hidden dysphoria that I’m trying to keep a secret. I actually enjoy living as a man, for many many years now. And I find the pleasure of loving my wife to be vastly superior to indulging autogynephilia.
If I was not writing about crossdressing in an attempt to provide a place for guys to get help, I probably wouldn’t think about crossdressing for the most part. And that sounds like a wonderful beautiful thing. I don’t particularly enjoy thinking about it. The more years that go by, the more ugly crossdressing seems to me. But I believe that God has called me to keep working in this ministry in order to help others. So I will continue. And I must say I immensely enjoy the wonderful relationships with other brothers in Christ that God has brought to me. They have encouraged me so much.
I of course cannot guarantee that if you give up crossdressing, that you will have my experience. But I will say that it is possible to give up crossdressing, and it is possible to give it up and be happy. There are many stories of doing so on my site or linked from my site. You don’t have to have despair. There can be hope and freedom for you.
I used to be a cross dresser, as a fetish, for sexual pleasure and as an obsession. It doesn’t do as much as it used to for me anymore. Sure, I still enjoy buying some sexy clothing now and then, and won’t feel guilty if I wear them. It feels as normal as wearing regular guy clothing now. I used to worship girls because they looked so great in their attire, and I wanted that feeling of being beautiful, but, not anymore. Having this habit did more harm than good for me, my relationships were all uneven because I used to put girls so high up on pedestals, I was always the one giving in the relationship.
I would lie if I said I felt comfortable wearing women attire, because it doesn’t feel comfortable at all! (okay, some do)
But glad this fetish has faded, I do actually feel more confident in my manhood now.
What do you think caused the change? How did the fetish go away?
Cutting ties with the males in my family, they were all narcissists as well. It’s pretty clear that they only wanted to overpower me. The last male family member was cut off about a month ago, it was then my list for crossdressing declined
Peter, that is interesting. I’ve never heard about those social and personal family dynamics being a cause of crossdressing fetish desire. Would be interested to hear more about it as a possible cause
Barnabas, You posted this back in 2018. Are you still free from crossdressing? Have you had any setbacks?
Hello Mario, thank you for dropping by! Actually this post is around 10 years old or so, I don’t remember the exact date. It was on my former blog before migrating to this new website in 2018. Your question is a good one and a fair one. I think I’ve answered it already here –
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/persevere-its-going-to-be-a-long-struggle/
But I’ll give you a short version here. Most days, most weeks, I experience no temptations or desires to crossdress. I live a life very full and very free from crossdressing and I have no regrets. Once in a while temptations flare up. Especially if I have a crossdressing dream. Those days it can be hard to resist temptation, but they are very few and far between. I have had some periodic setbacks in the last 10 years, particularly with crossdressing fiction on the internet. But at those times that I’ve failed and looked and read, it is just temporary physical pleasure which is never as satisfying as it promises to be, and on those occasions, it was followed by a strong feeling of “well, that wasn’t worth it” and a lot of regret. On those occasions, it only strengthened my resolve and my strong feelings of how good it is to live a life of freedom without being in bondage to crossdressing. Of all the things I’ve done in my life, and all the beliefs I have, the belief that I am better off without crossdressing is one of the most sure beliefs I have. Every month and year that goes by I hear so many stories of guys living in bondage to crossdressing addiction. I have compassion and want to help them if I can. They don’t know that they can live a life of freedom without it.
What is even more encouraging are all the guys in our prayer group who have given up crossdressing. There are many in the group who have not crossdressed in years. They do not regret getting crossdressing out of their lives. Who wants to live with constant addiction and identity confusion?
Even secular psychologists say that it is very possible to stop crossdressing, just as it is possible to stop and get help from any paraphilia, and to experience real change in desires. Don’t believe the hype on crossdressing websites about it being impossible to stop. Let me know if you have other questions. Are you considering giving up crossdressing?
This is super helpful. I am planning to stop crossdressing but I needed help and this site is it. It’s so peaceful to read your journey and healing as well. I thank you so much.
You are very welcome! I can’t say I’ve been perfect since I started my journey to give up this addiction. But even with times that I’ve failed and gave in over the last many years, I’ve never had doubts that I made the right decision! Living without CD is living in freedom. And it is very possible to stop. As with any addiction, it can be hard to stop. But if you do the work, get help from others, and take it seriously (rather than just gritting your teeth and hoping you will stop somehow), you can seriously change and recover from this.
Hi, I don’t know if this may help anyone but it’s been almost 20 years since I practiced Cdressing for the last time. I had been doing intensive therapy due to a traumatic personal experience for 4 years or so and CD was one of the issues I had to deal with. I detected it was a symptom of other emotional immaturity issues. Understanding this and other self-discovery experiences made me understand why I did it and once I understood the reasons behind Cdressing (“my Cdressing”), it was rather natural to give it up. It just appeared not to make any sense any more. I did not feel that urge. It was surprising how it just seemed unnatural to me. Even today, when I see my wife’s panties I find them sexy but can’t relate to the idea of wearing them.
However, I must say that the fantasy of being a woman comes and goes when I touch myself and watch porn on the internet. I fantasize about being sexy and attractive like I see them but that’s all. Not that I like that either but I believe my process of internal liberation hasn’t been completed yet. I think I still deal with issues regarding abandonment and being neglected by my mother and mistreated by my father, idealizing the former and fearing the latter… anyway… I believe that what matters is solving one’s inner conflict of which Cdressing is just a symptom. NOSCE TE IPSUM (know yourself) and you will be closer to putting an end to Cdressing. It’s a path you must want to walk, though… and very important, embrace as a man your “femenine” virtues, not panties and satin lingerie but vulnerability, kindness, tenderness, need of protection… that to is being A MAN. Good luck!
Summergames, thank you so much for commenting and sharing about this! I have been in some conversations with people who have understood their crossdressing to have come about by trauma. And they like you received help processing the trauma and then overcame their crossdressing. If you would consider it, it would be interesting to have you write up a fuller testimony about this, as well as explaining how crossdressing comes about because of trauma. I could publish it as an anonymous guest post. It’s something to consider.
You could also consider joining our discord server or other recovery group to encourage others.
Regardless, thank you for sharing what you have shared!
Summergames this is very encouraging to read. I am sure you are still working on quitting the porn and fantasies. But your change in response to your wife’s panties gives me hope for my husband to be able to change his response toward my panties also. I have done a lot of reading on this topic, and the more I research it, the more I become convinced that for the majority of men, there is some type of “mommy trauma” at the heart of it. It may have been present at such a young age that the man is not even aware of it. Being of a more naturally sensitive nature, it may not even be due to something that would register as “traumatic”to an adult observer. But so many of the men seem to be internally seeking a warm, caring, expressive, beautiful, loving female, that it seems logical to deduce that something disrupted his attachment to the first woman who normally fills that role, and he has been seeking to fix the problem ever since. Things like OCD can get rolled in there, too. I hope that you are able to finish working through the remainder of any issues so the porn and the fantasies fall away. I pray for that freedom for both you and for my husband. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Hey Barnabas, me again,
I followed a lot of your advice and it did help for a bit. I did not have temptations for about 2 weeks and then I experienced slight temptations which gradually became stronger. And the last few days I’ve been sick, which means I didn’t go to school but rather was home alone. The first two days I did have temptations, but I didn’t do them and at the end of the day I was happy with myself.
But today I had a relapse. Granted, it wasn’t a big relapse, and it wasn’t a binge like I used to do before. But still it was a relapse and i feel bad. Also this time I masturbated.
I know this is ruining my life… I’m still young but I want to quit. This is an addiction so I better quit now, instead of growing old and still doing this bulls**t. I want a wife and a family and kids. But crossdressing will only bring me further away from this. I know this is destroying me and I’m tired of doing it over and over again and saying I will quit.
I’m going to be honest, I felt so happy the days I didn’t experience temptations. I didn’t feel guilty or bad about myself. But now it happened again.
I’m just tired of this cycle of saying “I will never do this again” and then doing it and feeling bad and coming here, then doing it again a few weeks later. This has happened so many times now that I’m just tired of it. I was on the road to quitting, but now I feel like that’s so far away.
If anything, at least I won’t do it again these next days, but still today was totally unnecessary. I know this post was long, but i need help. I have a question: I’ve noticed that even when I don’t experience urges, I think about cd a lot, way more than I should, and constantly thinking about it isn’t healthy and will eventually lead to temptation? How can i get those thoughts out of my head? Thanks
Sorry Dragon, quitting is hard work. The best thing is to grow closer to Christ and focus more on God’s grace, rather than on the shame and guilt each time you fail. It is union to Christ, and focusing on his love for you, that will give you what you need to quit. Read this – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/no-condemnation/
I also suggest joining our prayer group – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
If you are failing by looking at stuff online, then you would greatly help yourself by getting an internet filter – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/enjoy-freedom-get-an-internet-filter-now/
You have to think about overcoming and healing from this as a long term process. Some people are able to just quit and never do it again. But for most of us, we have some relapses just as you described. Don’t let a relapse make you give up. Remember how good it feels to enjoy life without giving in, and focus on getting back to that life as soon as possible after a relapse.
Yes to answer your question, thinking about CD all the time is not going to help you. It will only make your desires grow. But it doesn’t work to just try to force the thoughts out of your head or ignore them. That just draws more attention to them. My methods are – 1. Not allowing myself to intentionally daydream about crossdressing. 2. If a crossdressing desire or thought comes into my head, I don’t let it frighten me, paralyze me, or make me think the situation is hopeless. I just acknowledge the thought and desire, rather than ignoring it. I acknowledge – this is a crossdressing desire, Part of me wants to give in to that desire, but a bigger part of me wants to say “NO” to it. So I label that thought a CD desire, and then dismiss it by choosing not to act on it. This is much healthier than just trying to ignore or suppress the crossdressing thoughts. over time they come less and less and lose their power.