I would like to recommend the book Rescue Plan: Charting a Course to Restore Prisoners of Pornography. I will also share some quotations from the book and some of my reflections. This is one of the better books I have read on sexual addiction from a Christian perspective. I heartily recommend it. The principles in the book apply not only to pornography, but to the sexual addictions we struggle with in this community related to cross-gender fantasy, crossdressing, and autogynephilic online content.

This book is helpful for at least three groups of people:

1. For women or men struggling with sexual addiction of any kind. The book speaks to women just as much as to men, and explains how issues play out slightly differently for women compared to men.
2. For pastors, counselors, and friends who are helping people to overcome sexual addiction.
3. For the husbands or wives who have a spouse who has struggled in the past with sexual addiction or is currently struggling with sexual addiction.

The book is Gospel focused and saturated by biblical principles and biblical wisdom. I also appreciated that the book gets into quite a bit of detail regarding complex issues of dating while fighting sexual addiction, and living a single life while resisting sexual temptation. In our recovery groups, we get many important questions from people in these areas. I also appreciated the authors talking about shame and how to overcome and heal from it, rather than letting shame prevent us from receiving the love and help that we need.

Quotations

1. Paul holds out the tension of work and surrender in Philippians 2:12-13 when he writes, “Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” The addict needs to work it out. Take responsibility. Do something about it, lest his selfishness festers. But he also must recognize that God works in him to change him for good—there is no room for a self-righteous attitude that says to God, “I can do this on my own. I don’t need you.

I love how they explain this in a balanced way. Some addicts overemphasize or let me say, they incorrectly articulate what it means to rely on God’s strength to overcome the addiction. We are not helpless. We shouldn’t just sit there waiting for God to do something. God has given us his grace. This empowers us to say “No” to sin. There IS a way out of every temptation.

1 Corinthians 10:13 – No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Titus 2:11 – For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

It is absolutely true that apart from Christ we can do nothing. He himself says so (John 15:5). We rely on God completely for strength, motivation, self-control, conviction, and power. But the mistake is to think that God has not already given us those things. If we are in Christ, we have already been given salvation, and we have been given the Holy Spirit to live within us. The Lord Jesus is with us through his Spirit and is already at work making us a new creation. The Holy Spirit in us produces new fruit. We live changed lives. We now have the power, already, to say “No” to these sins. So stop sitting and waiting. Start fighting your sin. Take the steps you need to take.

2. It’s almost impossible to overcome an addiction by sheer force of will. No, we must look in a different direction. What if the solution to sexual sin isn’t exclusively to say no to one thing but to say yes to a better thing? To actually believe that there is something better for us to give our affections, trust, and loyalty to?

I love this. As leaders in this ministry this is something we are intentionally trying to emphasize more and more. It’s very hard to develop self-control and resist enticing temptations, if that’s all you are focusing on. How do you resist something that seems to feel so good (at least for a moment), if all you are doing is sitting there trying not to think about it?

But if you have something else positive to focus on, something that is better than the thing you want to resist, your focus will easily stay fixed on the better thing. For us as Christians, this is the joy of knowing God’s love and living life with God and enjoying properly his good gifts. When we come to know Christ, it changes our focus to be completely on moving towards him and away from sin.

Philippians 3:7 – But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.

Imagine a boy wondering why a teenager would give up time playing video games in order to go on a date with a girl. The young boy doesn’t understand, and maybe even thinks the teenager is crazy. But the teenager knows he has found something far more exciting than a video game. How much more have we found what is better, when we are rejecting something that caused us addiction and pain and instead gaining eternal life in Christ and purpose in our lives?

It seems like at least once a week I am criticized as teaching that people should live a life of drudgery, hopelessness and unhappiness by telling them to resist their autogynephilic desires. I understand why people would think this way. I am not offended by the criticism. But people need to understand that this is not what we teach! We are not miserable. We are glad to have left crossdressing behind! We are enjoying life with our Lord! We are experiencing the treasure of knowing the Lord and experiencing new life in the Kingdom of God. We enjoy God’s good gifts, whether gifts of food, work, or sex, but within the boundaries that God has given. It’s not about giving up something good to live in misery as some kind of martyr. It’s about seeing the worthlessness of sexual sin, and seeing how much better is the life and gifts that God offers to us.

3. Fundamentally, we don’t think the guy who struggles with porn is ready for a dating relationship yet. He needs to wait and focus on getting his porn problem under control before he dates. And if he is dating, our strong counsel is for him to break off the relationship until the porn problem is under control. “Okay,” a reader says, “but I just want to date. I’m not looking to get married yet. Should a guy avoid a dating relationship while he’s struggling with porn?” Yes, we think so. We think the point of dating is to find a partner for marriage. So if you are not ready to be married, you are not ready to date. “Well, then,” a reader asks again, “you said men who are struggling with pornography should not be dating. What do you mean by ‘struggling’? Does that mean if a guy falls just once he can’t date? How many times does he have to fall before it becomes a significant’ problem? When we describe a guy who is struggling, we’re thinking of someone who has a regular and consistent current pattern of struggling with pornography and masturbation. To see if it’s a regular and consistent pattern, we’ve got to know his history over the last six months or year. If someone says, “I’m struggling just once or twice a month, but I’ve struggled like this every month for the last year,” well, that’s a pattern. He hasn’t kicked the porn habit yet. In contrast, if he has demonstrated a sustained pattern of purity for months (no incidents at all), then we would quickly affirm his plan to pursue dating.

This is a tough word, but I agree with it. We have to be serious about following Christ. Please realize that it’s very hard to focus on overcoming sexual sin and growing in Christ if you are distracted by the excitement of a dating relationship. Deal with the addiction first. I’ve heard too many stories about people trying to use dating or marriage as a recovery tool with disastrous effect. They think that marriage is a magical solution to their problem of sexual sin.

On the one hand, it is true that marriage is the proper place to enjoy sexuality and that it could therefore reduce sexual temptation for self-stimulation. But the reality is that if you don’t overcome and heal from sexual addiction before marriage, you will take that addiction into the marriage. The first time that an addict experiences struggle in marriage, whether through an argument, or a sexual problem, or just too much time alone or boredom, the addict will still go back to their sexual sin. They have not ever learned self-control. They have not ever healed from the heart brokenness that made them to reach out to sexual sin in the first place.

4. The first step for the husband is for him to reconcile with the Lord. His sin is first an offense against God (see Ps. 51:3-4). Pornography, when unaddressed and left to grow like a weed that takes over a garden, can lead him to the pit of hell. A consistent lack of repentance over the long haul is dangerous to a man’s soul. So a husband’s porn habits and sinful rebellion against God must be addressed. The eternal state of his soul hangs in the balance.

“Her husband [who looks at porn] may claim to be her brother in Christ, but is living in a manner which is inconsistent with true conversion. He is living in a manner which could potentially mean, without a spiritual transformation, he may be separated from God for all eternity. Consistent, persistent, unrepentant sin, shows a heart that has not been washed clean by Jesus’ blood.” — quote from Aileen Challies within the book.

Worldly sorrow over his sin causes the struggling husband to wallow in guilt and shame and to quickly fall back into the porn problem (see 2 Cor. 7:9–11). Godly sorrow motivates faith-driven repentance in which he recognizes the foolishness of his ways, turns to God for help, and turns away from his sin. Rather than wallow in his sense of failure, he must trust that the Lord can redeem his marriage. He must not hide behind his shame but must beg for Christ to cover him with a blood-bought righteousness.

These are three different quotations from the book that I’ll comment on together. I appreciate the authors taking sin very seriously. On the one hand, no Christian is perfect. We will struggle with sin until Jesus returns and makes us new (see 1 John 1 and 2). On the other hand, a Christian who lives in sin, committing the same sex regularly, without repentance and confession, that person is not giving evidence of being a true Christian. So a porn addict should rightly be warned about their relationship with God. True faith will result in sanctification, and fighting against sin. See 1 John 3:9 and James 2:14-26.

As the last paragraph points out, real repentance is not just a person lamenting the consequences they are facing for their sin. If a husband is trying to overcome crossdressing only because it is causing problems with his wife, he is very unlikely to succeed long-term. True repentance and true sorrow over sin is about hating the sin, realizing the hurt our sin has caused to our relationship with God and with others, and having the desire to please God out of thanksgiving for God’s love and our salvation.

5. The wife should be careful about asking for all the excruciating details of each incident. The details can roll around in the wife’s mind and heart like laundry caught in a constant spin cycle. She may begin to ruminate over the details of his sin far more than she meditates on Christ. That sets her up for trouble. The wife should be an ally with her husband against his sin, not a cop.

The wife’s fear (that her husband will look at porn) and insecurity (about the whole situation) make her grasp for control. She’s deluded if she thinks that if she knows enough, or checks enough times, or asks enough questions, she can stop her husband from ever stumbling again. She’s pretending to be the Holy Spirit, and we know that never ends well. No amount of micromanaging or seizing control will save a marriage. A wife who acts like a mini-god in her own disordered kingdom gives in to fear-driven and controlling behavior. Totalitarians rule by fear and control; wives should never do the same. In all things she is to be Christlike.

“Knowing too much about a husband’s battle with sexual lust can create terrific fear and insecurity. This, in turn, can lead to overzealous ‘policing’ behavior on the part of the offended wife. When that happens, daily interrogations and accusations end up creating more secrecy, shame and marital distress.” —Winston Smith

He should have a few mature Christian men who are consistently engaged with his life. They should know the details of his sin (so long as it doesn’t cause them to stumble), and she should know the broad strokes of his sin. Yet she should have access to his accountability partners and be able to ask them questions at any point she desires.

Wives reading this, I feel for you. The amount of pain some of you have gone through is staggering. I know many of you have done the things these quotes mention. I understand why you would do so. At the beginning, some amount of policing is probably important. But in order for trust to be rebuilt, and self-control to be learned, the policing will have to steadily lessen. A marriage relationship cannot be a healthy and real marriage relationship if one person is constantly policing the other. I have written about this extensively. To avoid not repeating myself so much, let me refer you to this post which goes into great detail on these points – The Role of a Wife in Your Recovery.