Written by NHA:

 

A  small nudge, not a big shove, brings change

I find the ending of a year a fascinating thing. Ceaseless time suddenly halts! The clocks tick away, 12:59:59 December 31 becomes 12:00:00 January 1, yet one year comes at once crashing and whimpering to a halt! There is no other day that is as climatic to me as New Year’s Eve. It’s like, “Wait! I wasn’t done!” Sorry, the carnival is done. Time to go home.

Is it really? Or is this passage of one year into the next a marker, a reminder?

In any event, whether on a micro or macro scale, the end of one year and the beginning of another is an incredible phenomenon. We know the December 31 turnover to January 1 isn’t a mere whim, like a few people came up with it at the end of a long meeting. Nah, this is big. The planet upon which you stand has just crossed the finish line. It also just busted out of the gate at over 66,000 miles an hour, 1.6 million miles a day. When the midnight chimes ring on New Year’s  Eve, we have just completed a 584-million-mile trek around the sun. Incredible and humbling all at once.

The holidays are a bittersweet time for me. I love the season, the songs, the celebrations. The joy contrasts with a spirit of melancholy as I become aware once again that something is ending. A year. I am mortal, and I feel it. Personally, I have a hard time with that. I don’t want to be waning. I don’t want to end. I want to discover, learn, marvel. I want to be unshackled from all that hinders and encumbers. I want to laugh and sing (even though I can’t carry a tune) in a breeze of freedom.

For many people, myself included, the holidays ramp up stress levels. For the addict, that spells trouble. Being that addictions, including crossdressing, are often an escape from what we don’t like in our circumstances or in ourselves, having a clear set of habits to guide us is paramount to avoiding stumbling or even a major fall during stressful times. I have learned this the hard way. But I have also learned of methodologies that help steer me clear of sliding. And if you’re thinking, “Too late! I am already in the quagmire,” then my hard-earned might be a life ring of hope to grab onto.

So, as our planet passes GO!, I reflect on the year that is passing as we pass that specific spot in space (I imagine a giant asteroid that says YOU’RE HERE!) that welcomes me to a new lap.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, I have learned that grand resolutions don’t pan out. I have routinely made the habit of having intentions that I was unable to keep for a variety of reasons. My resolutions were often heavy on ambition and light on reflection. Into my seventh decade (seven sounds nicer than the double-digit 60), I end each year reflecting, then assessing, before I begin planning the new year ahead.

When it comes to kicking old habits, especially addiction, going all-out has failed me and most of us. “I will never look at porn again,” or “That’s it. I’m never drinking again,” or “No more snacking,” “No more soda/beer…,” “I’m trashing all my dress-up clothes.” Sound familiar?

Guilt is a big motivator. Disappointment in ourselves or by others is equally motivating.

The key is to keep the emotions out of these resolutions to change. Instead, we must use our noggin to calmly assess the lay of the land— who are you (identity), what do you truly want of yourself (purpose), and what trips you up (comfort foods/drugs/escapes). We must also consider our environment. What messages have we unwittingly allowed to shape our standards and wants?

I have learned the hard way that I will blissfully and ignorantly be carried along the river of life wherever it is going. Without a destination in mind, I will not end up in a place of my choosing. Habits, generational patterns, cultural trends, societal beliefs and values, the choices of others– these will dictate my steps. When I am oblivious, too busy to think ahead, too focused in the tyranny of the moment, then I am a leaf tossed to and fro by wind and waves.

God has given me a mind and a heart that have desires. Some good, some not so good. I have seen where the not-so-good desires land me. Those places can be dark and destitute; oh to avoid returning there.

So I once again look back upon the year and I ask myself what has gone well. What went awry. What things did I not see coming? Could I have avoided the surprises by being prepared? What things were in my control, and what were not?

I have learned to stop taking the easy route with generic answers. I require specific answers from myself. Thinking in this manner gives me a realistic, sound base to think forward. Generalities have never yielded the specific results I desire. For example, praying, “Lord, bless me,” is ambiguous. How will I measure that? However, praying, “Lord, we need $127.00 for the electric bill,” is precise enough that I will indeed know if and when God answers that prayer.

Jesus warned his disciples to count the cost of following Him: “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” (Luke 14:28). Jesus warns all of us about what we say and how we live, when he says, “For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matthew 12:37). Elsewhere, the Scriptures advise us to take care with what we say: “You will have to live with the consequences of everything you say. What you say can preserve life or destroy it” (Proverbs 18:20-21).

Even though no one (but God) knows my thoughts, I find that being mindful of my private commitments and keeping them has a big impact on how I view myself. I cannot lie to myself. Worse, I begin to distrust myself when I don’t keep my intentions, and then I don’t take myself seriously. If I can’t trust myself, how can I expect others to trust me? This lack of self-integrity affects how I relate to others; I am less committal, confident. I begin to withdraw from others if I don’t uphold my self-integrity.

Psychologists say that poor self-esteem is sister to a lack of integrity, Furthermore, it has been shown that if a person perceives themselves as unworthy or unlovable, there is a connection between low self-esteem and addiction.

I have applied the question across my life.

So, looking back at the previous year, there are things I had intended to accomplish but did not. My question for myself is, “Why not? What got in the way?” There are plenty of possible reasons— lack of time, funds, distractions, health, family needs that trumped mine, and so on.

Assuming I still would like to accomplish that task or goal, the next question I ask myself is, “What needs to change to accomplish that task or goal?” Every task requires time, energy, and/or money. In my case, all three are in limited supply, which leads to my next question: “What do I need to do to provide the time, energy, and, if necessary, the funds, to fulfill my task or goal?”

I learned from James Clear’s Atomic Habits that seemingly innocuous habits make a noticeable impact long term.

British Cycling’s Dave Brailsford transformed a team that won only one Olympic gold medal since 1908, and zippo wins at the Tour de France— ever!— to winning dozens of gold medals and 5 of 6 Tour de France races in the mid-2000’s! Whoa!

How did they achieve the change? Here is a quote from Atomic Habits:

“What made Brailsford different from previous coaches was his relentless commitment to a strategy that he referred to as the aggregation of marginal gains,” which was the philosophy of searching for a tiny margin of improvement in everything you do. Brailsford said, “The whole principle came from the idea that if you broke down everything you could think of that goes into riding a bike, and then improve it by 1 percent, you will get a significant increase when you put them all together.”

I love this concept of small, purposeful change. In addition to steady changes in my work, home routine, marriage, among things, the practice of small, deliberate. change has helped me find freedom from stubborn bad habits. Implementing new habits slowly yet steadily has resulted in family-centric improvements in me.

For those struggling with crossdressing or porn related to autogynephilia or gender dysphoria, you can take a close look at what was going on prior to the acts you are trying to quit. Simply purging your home of the “bad” things (clothing, computers, etc.) doesn’t address the why of the addiction. If crossdressing is your struggle and you’re wearing your spouse’s clothing, purging clothes will not go over so well.

So, what to do? Get to the root of the issue. There are a plethora of terrific articles on this site with tips on overcoming the addiction, all written by those who know the struggle. Right here, however, I want to sum the change succinctly:

  1. Start by taking an honest, hard, humble look at yourself.
  2. Ask questions: What was I doing when the urge came? What was my desire? What am I lacking? (feeling, affirmation, direction/purpose, self-esteem, integrity…)
  3. Pick one—only one— of the answers you landed on and ask, How can I alleviate that temptation, that urge? Maybe it is to change your environment, your access to triggers (note: there are articles on this site that point you to tools to help block internet access).
  4. Talk to God. If you’re reading this, chances are you acknowledge that there is a God. You don’t have to be best buddies to begin talking to him. Being God, he is everywhere, he knows all (no worries— you won’t scare him off), and he is the strongest (he can handle what you need). Most of all, he cares for you and loves you. Give him a call. Give God a chance to listen.
  5. You’re smart. Use the brain and common sense God gave you to come up with a totally doable plan to change that one thing. You’re not changing everything. Just one thing. 1% change each day will make a noticeable difference in your life. Remember the British Cycling Team.
  6. Tell someone what you’re doing. A trusted friend, your spouse, your pastor/priest, or someone here at this ministry. There is a terrific support group of people who can relate to you. Get involved.
  7. As you progress, feel free to continue to refine destructive habits, replacing them with well-thought-out new habits. Remember, you’re not changing the world; you’re simply changing your direction.

I hope you will find these words encouraging. Instead of coming up with a list of big changes for the upcoming year or season, come up with a few areas of practical improvements of existing patterns. And one more thing…

How about starting a habit of reading the Scriptures, cover to cover, in the next year? Why? Because, as loud as the voice may be, the world and/or your failings are not the final word on your identity. God, your Maker, is the first and final word, and He says that you are wonderfully made and that He desires to know you and walk beside you.

One of my changes for the coming year was to follow a Bible reading plan called The Bible Recap (see the bible recap.com or search for “The Bible Recap” in the Plans section of the YouVersion app). You will find that you possess the dignity of being a creation of the Lord of all. Grabbing ahold of your true identity, coupled with a steady pattern of new habits pointing you in a new desired direction should make you smile.

Remember, we are wonderful yet imperfect. Don’t get tripped up by seeking perfection. Seek steady change. One step in front of the other towards joy and contentment. Recall earlier where a lack of a sense of integrity can lead. Be glad to be walking with your head upright, again, not with pride, but with humility and purpose.

I hope my discoveries help you as they have helped steer my path toward progress. Cheers!

NHA

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