I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. – Romans 7:15-20
These words from Paul describe a Christian’s struggle with sin. I have frequently had my cross-gender desires in mind when reading these verses. Unwanted cross-gender desires (CGD) can be very conflicting. We want something, but we don’t want to want that thing. It is not unlike someone who falls in love with a person and then finds out that they are already married or they do not return that love.
The space between expectations and reality is where disappointment lives. Whenever we are disappointed in small things, we may be frustrated, but we can generally move on fairly quickly. But cross-gender desire is not a small thing. It is a very conflicting and long-lasting thing that often causes deep shame whenever it is left unaddressed.
For some people, part of the healing process with cross-gender desires involves mourning and grief. We have to mourn the thing that we want, but that we will never have.
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced us to the 5 stages of grief. This framework helps us to see common ways that people navigate loss.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Let’s dive into each of these to see how they can apply to CGD:
Denial
The primary way that denial shows up with CGD is that we who experience CGD deny that it is serious enough to warrant taking action. Like any other problem, the first step is to admit that you have a problem.
When we are in the denial stage, we may…
Deny the desires exist or matter
“I can stop whenever I want. I just choose not to right now.”
“It’s just a fetish; it’s not who I am.”
“I only feel this way when I’m stressed.”
Minimize through partial acknowledgment
“It’s not that serious. Lots of people have weird thoughts.”
“As long as I never act on it, it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m just more in touch with my feminine side.”
Use God to justify our denial
“I’ve prayed about this and given it to God, so it’s handled.”
“I’m delivered from this; I don’t need to deal with it anymore.”
If you think you may be in denial, the first step is to admit it to yourself. It’s as simple as admitting to yourself, “I have cross-gender desires.” Admitting it isn’t the same as accepting it. Cross-gender desires is a descriptive term, not prescriptive. That means that we can use it to describe our experiences without fear that it prescribes how we should feel or act. It is simply honesty about what is happening.
If you aren’t ready, ask yourself some honest questions. If you can stop whenever you want, why haven’t you? If it doesn’t matter, why do you keep thinking about it? It is easy to maintain these defenses whenever things are abstract. If you’re ready to be honest, begin tracking your desires. How often do they arise? What triggers them? How do they affect your mood and behavior? Tracking in this way will help you to recognize patterns and make it harder to minimize.
A lot of times, shame is what keeps us stuck in denial. We feel such heavy and crushing shame whenever we look at our desires, and so we cope by not looking at them. There are a few things that can help to reduce our shame and make acknowledgment feel safer. The first is to know that you are not alone. I am a real person writing this, and I have experienced cross-gender desires for most of my life. There are many more people like me, and you’ll find a lot of us in our support groups on this site, which leads me to another thing that can help reduce shame – community. Being among others in a non-judgmental space with others who experience the same thing is empowering. We are living proof that you can look at this honestly and still be okay. For those of us who are Christians, we can also rest in our faith that Jesus’ sacrifice has taken away our shame.
Lastly, if God is at the center of your denial, I want to be more delicate in addressing it. While we believe it is possible for God to make our desires disappear instantly and permanently, we do not believe that this is how God generally chooses to act. Generally, He allows the desires to remain. Over time and with help from a supportive community, it is possible for the desires to diminish. However, they will likely be present to some extent for your entire life. If you treat this as if it is handled and it is not fully handled, there is a risk that you may bottle up these desires until the pressure becomes too much. It would be far better for you to take an objective and honest look at yourself now. If God did not fully take away your desires as you expected, it doesn’t mean that God is any less powerful and it doesn’t mean that you didn’t have enough faith. It simply means that God has something different in mind for you. Acknowledging the truth of your desires will help you to move forward.
Anger
Once we admit that we experience cross-gender desires, it is natural to feel angry. A lot of this anger could be justified; some of it could be unjustified. Regardless, the anger is real even when it may be misdirected. We have to work through and process the anger if we hope to move beyond it.
Anger could be directed inwardly, outwardly, or toward God. Let’s look at some examples.
Anger at God
“I’ve prayed and prayed about this and nothing has changed. Why won’t God heal me?”
“Why would God give me these desires if acting on them is wrong?”
“If God is good, why would he allow someone to suffer like this their whole life?”
Anger at the Church
“The church has no idea what to do with people like me.”
“Christians just tell you to pray more and try harder.”
“I can’t even be honest about this because I’ll be judged.”
Anger at society’s reaction to cross-gender desires
“It’s not fair that the person who transitions gets celebrated while the person who doesn’t gets nothing.”
“Society rewards the people who act on this and punishes the ones who don’t.”
Anger at the cost of faithfulness
“I’m being asked to spend my whole life suppressing something real.”
“No one else has to bury who they are to stay in their marriage.”
“This feels like being told I can never be happy.”
Anger directed inwardly
“I hate this part of me.”
“I’ve wasted so much time and/or money on this.”
“How could I have let this go on for so long?”
A key thing to recognize with anger is that it usually has to be moved through and not suppressed. Try to avoid telling yourself that “a Christian shouldn’t feel this way” as that line of reasoning is likely to cause you to stay stuck in this stage longer. Instead, allow yourself to be honest about your anger and process through it. Feeling anger – even at God – is a common thing to feel. Psalm 13, 22, & 88 show us real examples of God’s people being angry and frustrated at Him.
So, let me start by addressing the anger that has been directed towards God. These are very difficult questions to wrestle with and I don’t have any quick and easy answers. Cross-gender desires are not the only situation that causes people to ask these difficult questions. Humans have all kinds of desires, some good, some bad. It can be difficult to understand why He would allow desires to remain when He doesn’t want us to act on them, especially if they cause us to feel suffering. Talk with God about it, talk with your priest or pastor, and talk with Christian friends you trust. This is a weighty question, and it deserves a weighty response. Personally, I was thinking of cross-gender desires whenever I watched this scene on the TV show The Chosen. A good book to help with wrestling through these questions is Walking with God through Pain and Suffering by Timothy Keller. And some relevant Bible verses: 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Hebrews 12:1-17, Romans 8:18-30.
The anger that has been directed towards the church is also difficult. It’s a big part of why this ministry exists. Most Christians don’t know what to say or do in response to cross-gender desires. This ministry is run by Christians who personally experience cross-gender desires, and so we don’t stop at just telling you to pray more and try harder. We’re here to support you with both community and resources. Personally, my anger towards the church’s seeming inadequacy towards this issue didn’t disappear, but rather got redirected towards helping the people like me that the Church neglected and trying to bring about change.
When processing through your anger towards the church, it’s important to separate it from anger at God. Specific Christians in your life may have responded badly. That doesn’t make God wrong; it just means that they were poor representatives of Christ.
Anger at society’s reaction and at the cost of faithfulness are valid reasons for anger as well. It’s okay to allow yourself to feel that anger. Talk with God about it, or a trusted friend, or someone in our support groups. All of those people can handle your venting. For those of us in the support groups, we understand the anger, because we’ve been there ourselves.
If you find yourself in any of these categories, it’s worth asking, what is the anger protecting? Anger often masks the grief that is behind it. Therefore, it can be helpful to take an honest look at the specifics of what is being grieved. We can’t just grieve cross-gender desires, because that is too broad and abstract. Instead, we need to look at what we feel we have lost. Is it the comfort that CGD gave you? Is it the experiences that you feel you are missing out on? Is it the gender expression that feels too limiting? It is likely a combination of reasons. Take the time to examine yourself honestly and find the specific reasons for you.
Once you have allowed the anger and moved through it, it’s important to realize that it might return. Moving through grief is rarely linear. It is common to experience multiple stages at once (perhaps denial and anger) and/or to bounce from one stage to another (which is especially common with anger and the next step, bargaining). Even once you have reached acceptance, certain triggers (especially relapses) can bring you back to anger. Whenever this happens, it doesn’t mean that you haven’t healed; it is a normal part of the grieving process.
Bargaining
In the bargaining stage, we are beginning to come to terms with the new reality, but we’re still looking for some way out: a loophole or an escape hatch. Any way that allows us to avoid the full weight of the loss without surrendering to it. We see this in how the negotiations are framed: as “if/then” or “what if” scenarios.
Here are examples of how bargaining can look in the context of cross-gender desires.
Bargaining with God
“God, if you take these desires away, I’ll serve you faithfully for the rest of my life.”
“If I pray more, read my Bible more, go to church more, then maybe God will heal me.”
Bargaining using rules and limits
“I’ll allow myself this one thing, but I’ll never go further than that.”
“If I just set boundaries, I can keep this under control.”
“If I only do this privately and never tell anyone, it won’t hurt anything.”
Bargaining with identity
“Maybe I’m not really like other people with cross-gender desires. My situation is different.”
“What if I’m actually trans? That would mean that I could fully embrace this.”
“What if these desires are actually God telling me something about who I am?”
Bargaining using relationships
“If my wife were more understanding, I wouldn’t struggle as much.”
“If my marriage were better, these desires wouldn’t be so strong.”
“Maybe if she would let me express this side of myself sometimes, I could be faithful in every other way.”
Bargaining using outcomes
“What if I just tried transitioning to see if it helps? I could always go back.”
“>What if God’s standard is different for me, given what I’ve been through?”
“Maybe the rules don’t apply the same way when the desires are this strong.”
Bargaining using time
“I’ll deal with this seriously after the kids are grown.”
“Once life settles down, I’ll address this.”
“I just need a little more time before I’m ready to fully commit to recovery.”
The biggest challenge with bargaining is that it feels productive. We feel like we are engaging with the problem. Unfortunately, this is often masking the truth that we are using bargaining to avoid the grief hiding underneath. Moving forward, then, requires us to recognize the patterns and close the loopholes.
Begin by paying close attention to your thoughts so you can identify the “if/then” or “what if” scenarios when they show up. “If I just do X (or someone else does X), then Y will happen” is usually bargaining. Recognize it and name it for what it is. Bargaining feels like progress, so naming it is critical.
Once you name it, ask yourself honestly what it is that you are not ready to face. Like before, it’s important to be specific. Is it the loss of comfort? The loss of experiences? The loss of hope for a successful resolution? Bargaining will continue to exert its hold as long as the grief remains vague. Naming the specific thing(s) being avoided causes bargaining’s grip to begin to loosen.
Many bargains (specifically those using rules and limits) can be measured and tested. Whenever you say that you can manage this with better rules, how often has that worked? How many times have you set a limit only to end up exceeding it or breaking it? Look at it honestly. This was my biggest hang up with bargaining. I kept convincing myself that I could manage this with clear boundaries, but time and again, I would break those boundaries.
This is where community and accountability are especially helpful. Bargains thrive in privacy. Often, it is much easier for someone else to recognize the pattern that you may be missing. “You’ve said that before” can be the most helpful thing someone can say.
When it comes to God, your bargaining may be revealing something deep that you are misunderstanding about God and your relationship to Him. It may be evidence of a belief that you need to earn God’s love. The logic goes like this: God is good and gives good gifts to his children. I have asked for X and He has not given it to me. God cannot be the problem, and so I must be the problem. I just need to do Y, and then I will be good enough to earn God’s love so that He will give me X.
The simple truth is that, in Christ, there is nothing that you have to do in order to earn God’s love. He loves you now, as you are, not some better version of you that has to reach some threshold of worthiness. He isn’t withholding the healing that you seek because you aren’t good enough or haven’t done enough.
So why? Why doesn’t God take the desires away?
That is a big question. I would love to give you a quick and succinct answer, but I can’t – not because there is no answer, but rather because the question cuts to the heart of who God is and why He acts the way that He does. God often acts in ways that are unexpected and unpredictable. Just when we think we’ve figured God out, He does something new and different that breaks out of the box we have put Him in.
Instead of leaving God in the bargaining box and treating Him like a vending machine that just needs enough devotion to unlock, sit with Him and ask Him honestly why He has allowed desires to remain that are contrary to His purpose and design. Part of moving beyond bargaining will be accepting that God may allow these desires to remain. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean that He loves you any less. This question may not be fully resolved in this life, and sitting with that unresolved tension is part of the journey.
Once we recognize and name bargaining, it would be natural to assume that we would move on to the next step. Unfortunately, that’s not usually the way it works. Quite often, when we move past one of our bargains, it can cause us to return to anger and then return to bargaining (using a different bargain this time around). This cycle can repeat several times in different ways before we are able to fully move through it. Be patient with yourself while also being honest about where you are in the process (remember that bargaining feels like progress). Like in all of the stages, the best thing you can do is allow yourself to look honestly at the specifics of what you are grieving.
Depression
Depression is when the reality of what you have lost fully lands. The bargaining has failed and the full weight of loss sets in.
Depression is also where you are at your highest risk. In the other stages, you were protected by your denial, anger, or bargaining. These acted as a shield. Now, that shield is gone and the weight may feel too heavy to bear.
If the weight ever reaches a point where you seriously consider harming yourself, please immediately seek help. In the US, you can call or text 988 to talk with someone at the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. They are available 24/7. In the UK or Ireland, call 116 123. If you are in another country, please visit findahelpline.com to find your country’s helpline. Your life is valuable, and the world is much better with you in it. Cross-gender desires are only one part of the wholeness of who you are, and they aren’t worth losing your life over.
An important side note: you may have some hesitation to call the lifeline because you fear that a counselor may push you to transition to resolve your distress. That isn’t what you should expect, though. They are there to help with immediate crisis, not with dealing with the deeper identity questions. There is a difference between “I need to talk to someone right now” and “I need someone who understands my whole situation.” If you need immediate help, call the lifeline. Once the crisis has passed, our community/support groups will be here to walk through the next step with you.
So, let’s take a look at some ways that depression can show up alongside cross-gender desires:
Grief over the loss itself
“”I will never get to experience what I’ve always wanted.”
“”I’ve missed out on so many years already. I can’t get that time back.”
“”Other people get to just live. I’ll be fighting this forever.”
Hopelessness about change
“I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. Nothing is ever going to change.”
“What’s the point of even trying anymore?”
“I’ve been in accountability groups, counseling, prayer and I’m exactly the same.”
“Maybe some people just can’t be helped.”
Withdrawal and isolation
“Nobody really understands what this is like.”
“I can’t talk about this with anyone. It’s too much to put on people.”
“It’s easier not to engage than to keep pretending everything is fine.”
Shame and self-condemnation
“I’m broken beyond repair.”
“If people knew the real me, they would leave.”
“God must be so disappointed in me.”
Spiritual despair
“I’ve prayed and prayed and God is silent. Maybe He doesn’t care.”
“What kind of God would allow someone to live like this?”
“I used to feel close to God. Now I feel nothing.”
Numbness and detachment
“I don’t feel anything anymore. I’m just going through the motions.”
“I stopped caring about the things I used to care about.”
“I’m present in my life but not really in it.”
Thoughts of escape
“Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me.”
“I fantasize about just disappearing, starting over somewhere as someone else.”
“I don’t want to die, but I don’t really want to keep living like this either.”
Just like with anger, depression is something that you have to allow yourself to feel. It can seem like something has gone wrong, but it hasn’t. It is actually a step forward, even though it may not feel like it. The temptation, especially for Christians, is to treat depression as a spiritual failure and to try to push through it with more effort. Unfortunately, this usually only serves to make it last longer. You have to feel the grief; you can’t outrun it.
Another temptation is to isolate, but isolation only makes depression worse. When you’re in this stage, you’ll want to avoid community, you’ll stop reaching out, and you’ll stop letting people in. It will feel like too much effort or too much of a burden on others. When all you’re wanting to do is disappear, the best thing you can do is force yourself to stay connected. That doesn’t mean to pretend that everything is okay. It means being around safe people even when you have nothing to say.
Depression can make you want to do very little, if anything. Getting proper sleep, exercise, and food is important, as neglecting them tends to make depression significantly worse. Your motivation may be utterly drained. If you wait to act until you feel motivated, you may be waiting a very long time. Often, the action comes before the feeling. Start with small, low-demand actions such as going outside, calling one person, or attending one small get-together. This can interrupt the spiral without requiring you to feel better first.
You may also be tempted to retreat from God. You might stop praying, stop reading your Bible, or stop attending church because it feels hollow or pointless. Remember that Jesus wept too (John 11:35). He knows what sorrow feels like. In Matthew 26:38, he says, “My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death.” Instead of retreating, bring your depression into your relationship with God. Be honest with Him; He can handle it. Again, don’t wait until you feel better to engage. Engaging before you feel like it is part of how this stage moves.
Depression is the most difficult when it feels meaningless. It can feel like the pain serves no purpose. Try to look for even a partial answer to the question “what is this for?”. Doing so can help in bearing the weight of it. That doesn’t mean that you are minimizing the pain or acting like it is easy; it means that you are asking if there might be some purpose behind your suffering. It could be that it is forming something inside you that would not have been formed another way, or it is connecting you with others who will benefit from what you have learned, or drawing you into a deeper honesty with God.
Depression is the stage when it can be the most beneficial to seek a licensed professional counselor. Doing so doesn’t mean that you are weak, and it doesn’t mean that your faith is insufficient. Depression is a real and serious condition, and it warrants help from someone who is trained in guiding people through it.
It’s important to note that the depression that we have been looking at is grief depression, which is distinct from clinical depression and could co-exist alongside it. A counselor can help to determine if you may be experiencing clinical depression as well. Some potential signs are persistent numbness, inability to feel anything, or loss of basic functioning. Clinical depression is generally caused by a chemical imbalance which can be determined by a doctor and is treatable with medication.
Remember, even though depression is the hardest stage, it is also the closest stage to acceptance. Continue walking with and drawing near to Jesus.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
Acceptance
Our end-goal of grieving should always be acceptance. This doesn’t mean that cross-gender desires disappear and it doesn’t mean that everything is fine now. Acceptance isn’t the end of the struggle, but rather, it is the end of the war with reality. We accept that we have cross-gender desires and that those desires will never be fulfilled. Over time, and with help and community, it is possible that the desires themselves could diminish, but they are unlikely to ever completely disappear and they will never be fulfilled in the way that the desires long to be fulfilled.
Here is how acceptance can look:
Acceptance about the desires
“The desires are still there sometimes, but they don’t have the same grip on me.”
“I’ve stopped being shocked that I experience this. It’s part of my story.”
“I didn’t choose this, but I’ve chosen how I’m going to respond to it.”
Acceptance about identity
“I’m more than my desires. This is part of my story but it’s not the whole story.”
“I know who I am now in a way I didn’t before I went through all of this.”
“Going through this has clarified things about myself I never would have discovered otherwise.”
Acceptance with God
“I don’t fully understand why God has allowed this, but I trust Him.”
“I used to be angry at God for not taking this away. Now I can see He was doing something in me through it.”
“I still wish things were different, but I’m not at war with God about it anymore.”
“God has been more faithful to me through this than I expected.”
Acceptance in your relationships
“Being honest about this actually deepened my marriage in ways I didn’t expect.”
“The people who know and stayed are the relationships that mean more to me than I can say.”
“I’m able to help other men now because of what I’ve been through. I couldn’t have done that without the suffering.”
Acceptance regarding the future
“I’m not afraid of the desires the way I used to be.”
“I still have hard days. But I’m not in crisis anymore.”
“I can actually imagine a good life now. For a long time I couldn’t.”
Acceptance about the journey itself
“I’m glad I didn’t give up when it was hardest.”
“I wish I had found community sooner.”
“The grief was real. Going through it was worth it.”
An important thing to note is that a few of these sound close to denial, and so it is possible for someone to be in denial while thinking they have actually reached acceptance. For example, someone in denial can say “I’ve given this to God” and it means that they are avoiding looking at it themselves. But for someone who has reached acceptance, the same statement means that they have looked at it fully, mourned it honestly, and have placed their trust in God.
As I mentioned above, acceptance does not mean the desires are gone. It also doesn’t mean that there will be no struggle, no hard days, or no relapses. Acceptance isn’t a resigned feeling of “I’m stuck with this forever.” Instead, let’s look at what acceptance is…
Acceptance means that you are no longer at war with reality. Your desires exist. They are a part of your story. You no longer need to spend so much time and energy fighting that. You can hold that truth with an open hand rather than a clenched fist.
In acceptance, these desires no longer need to occupy the center of your identity. They don’t define who you are. They are something that you experience, not something that you are. You can have a hard week or a temptation spike without it becoming a crisis. You aren’t immune to struggle, but you are no longer destabilized by it.
For the Christian, you can rest by placing your identity in Christ. When God looks at you, He sees a beloved creation made in His image. You have been adopted into His family and He has placed His Spirit inside you. This gives clarity and direction to your identity more than any other desires.
Acceptance means that you can begin to identify your triggers, your patterns, and your vulnerabilities with honesty and compassion. You aren’t surprised by yourself like you used to be. Finding your triggers brings you knowledge, rather than being a source of shame.
Now, you can begin to look to the future with a sense of hope. You can invest more fully in who you are apart from these desires, what matters to you, and what God wants to do in you and through you. That could mean that you look into getting a hobby, investing in friendships, or investing in others, which could include giving.
You could also pay it forward. You have done the hard work of grieving, and now you have something real that you can offer to men in the earlier stages. Consider encouraging others in our Christian Recovery Group or Non-Religious Discord Server.
These desires don’t have to be locked away completely. There are some elements of the desires that are healthy (beauty, tenderness, care, softness, emotional depth, etc), but the healthy aspects have been misdirected and you may have associated them exclusively with femininity. Having reached acceptance, you can now examine ways that you can integrate these desires into your life in a healthy way.
The journey from denial to acceptance is not short, quick, or easy. Those of us who have done the hard work can promise you, though, that it is worth it. And you don’t have to walk it alone. We’re here to walk alongside you.
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