An acquaintance named John once commented on this site – “One of the sad things about crossdressing websites is that it is so often men connecting with men while hiding behind a female moniker or name. I think there is something to that which goes deeper than just wanting to identify as a women in many cases.”

True friendship between men can be difficult to achieve in general, but it seems to be even more difficult for us who have lived with cross-gender longings and temptations. For many of us, while we were growing up we did not fit in well with other boys. We felt intimidated by the rough play of other boys, or felt like we could never measure up to their athletic abilities. We felt insecure and not masculine enough. Perhaps we inwardly craved their acceptance and attention while also feeling like we were more comfortable and at ease playing with girls. On top of that, many of us somehow divided our personas following gender stereotypes, with the result that we became less capable in acknowledging our feelings and emotions as men. We may have stifled ourselves, only letting out certain emotions and feelings when we retreat into femininity, pretending to be women. The result is that some of us don’t know how to relate socially to men, or how to have deep friendships with other men. Perhaps, as John was getting at, we feel like we can talk freely with other men only when we are all pretending to be women, because that is when our intimidation of men is taken away, and when we are in touch with our emotions. This is a tragedy.

The goal of this post is to help us learn how to relate to other men as men, as our true selves, without the need of putting on a dress, or choosing a female avatar for our profile picture, or going by a female name. In this post, I want to help men learn how to befriend one another and go deep into meaningful friendship. Men are lonely, and many of us are lonelier than the average. We desperately long for friendship. In this post, I will first give some reflections and advice about how we can overcome our unique challenges in relating to other men. Second, I will give some tips and advice about how to make new friends and deepen friendships. And third, I will conclude with a bit of my own story.

How can we change?

1. Realize that most men are pretty much like you. They may appear confident and that they don’t need anything or anyone, but inside most of them are the same as you – they are lonely and hungry for friendship. 52% of Americans report feeling lonely. Only 59% of Americans say they have a best friend and 12% say they feel they have no close friends at all. And like you, many men have trouble making friends and keeping friends. Dr. Frank Sileo says, “Social pressures remain that make it difficult for men to express the vulnerability and intimacy needed for close friendships” (CNN Article). It’s not only us with gender dysphoria who have insecurities about our masculinity and how we appear to other men. Other “normal” men also have body image issues, and also often do not feel strong enough or in shape enough. Other men also struggle with low self-esteem.

Once you realize that most men experience these friendship challenges, it will prevent you from viewing your cross-gender issues as a unique obstacle making friendship with men impossible. This is something all men are struggling with, but these challenges can be overcome. Maybe our gender insecurities make it a bit harder for us, but it is still generally the same challenge all men are facing.

2. Reject the stereotype that men are not emotional or vulnerable. This is one of the false gender stereotypes that may have driven us to crossdressing in the first place. See our post on integration. Men, as well as women, have the full range of emotions. Men, as well as women, need people to be vulnerable with, people who will care for them in their burdens, people who will encourage them, and people who will give them advice and hold confidentiality about the secret things they are facing. Men are different from women, to be sure. But men still desire someone to talk to and open up to. Once you really grasp this reality, you will be less afraid of showing your emotional side as a man to other men.

3. Make sure to embrace your own manhood and integrate your personality. Part of the healing process we talk about here is that it is not enough to simply stop crossdressing and looking at trans porn. We have to deal with the underlying issues. We have to deal with the personality issues and the disintegration. We have to deal with the cross-gender longing and any gender dysphoria. We have to look at why we have used femininity as an escape from reality, or as a stress relief. If you stop crossdressing, but still view yourself as less than a full man, or less than a real man, you will still struggle to face other men. You have to learn to accept yourself as a real full true man, even if you do not fit all of the gender stereotypes. You have to accept yourself, whether you are sensitive, gentle, or artistic. You are still a man. You have to learn to embrace and care for your real male body, even if your body doesn’t live up to the images you see on television.

And you have to deal with the shame you feel, whether shame about the things you’ve done, or the shame you have felt about yourself or your masculinity. And I believe that shame can only really be dealt with in Christ. Jesus forgives our sin, takes our shame away, and restores us to people who have honor as image bearers of the Almighty God. Jesus heals the wounds in our hearts and the pain we carry.

4. One tip to begin learning how to relate to men again, even though you have all of this gender struggle baggage, is to join one of our recovery groups. In these groups you talk to other men, as men, with male names. You leave behind the female avatar and feminine name. You talk as your real male self. Of course, we allow people to use anonymous names, but you no longer are disguising your true sex. And you are talking to other men with the same kind of gender baggage as you. When you feel accepted and embraced by these men, and learn how to have conversations with them while not retreating into female clothing, it can slowly give you more confidence to face men in your real day to day life, talking to them and hanging out with them. These groups can be a good starting point.

Tips concerning Friendship

1. Start with a side by side activity. At least in our Western culture, it seems men relate better doing activities side by side, rather than sitting down and talking face to face. This is a stereotype, but I’ve seen it to be generally true for a lot of men. But it’s amazing what happens. As soon as you start tossing the ball around, many men suddenly start talking and opening up. I know this can be difficult for some of us with our backgrounds of not fitting in with other men because maybe we feel like we don’t have the same interests as most other men. That may be true to some extent, but don’t let it stop you. You don’t have to choose some stereotypical masculine activity like repairing cars or shooting guns. It is very likely you have at least one interest that is shared by other men in your community, things like cooking, games, birdwatching, gardening, tennis, film review, etc. The sky is the limit. Whatever interest you have, it should be possible to find other men with the same interest. Ask around at your church, or look in online groups.

Here is a quote from Psychology Today – “My own, more sociological, sensibility is that men need to keep putting themselves in situations where friendship-building is possible. Get out of the house. Find some activity that interests you and that draws like-minded comrades. Talk with the people there about a range of topics. Take interest in their life experiences. Take some risks by inviting people you like to do something socially. Offer to support some project they’re doing and be willing to ask for their support in return.”

2. Just ask. Ask someone for friendship. Instead of negotiating all the awkwardness, just cut through the awkwardness. Just dive into the awkwardness. You can be bold and say, “Let’s be friends.” It reminds me a little bit of when Jesus called his disciples just by being bold and saying, “come follow me!” And they followed. And they became his friends. And he laid down his life for them.

Okay, maybe you don’t need to be quite so blunt as “be my friend.” But sometimes it can be close to that. For example, “Hey, I’ve noticed you play frisbee golf. I’ve been looking for someone to play with, as my wife is not really interested. Would be great to link up with you next week for this. Take my phone number. Send me a text if you get time.” Or if you have an acquaintance already, and you are looking for deeper friendship, you can still start with an activity. “Hey, I’m looking for people to play this really fun computer game with me, I’d love to teach it to you. If you aren’t a gamer, it’s okay. I’ll help you. Let me know if you’d be interested.”

I really think most people don’t have friends because they don’t ask. They don’t try. Friendship usually doesn’t just happen. Someone has to initiate. But 53% of Americans cite shyness as the reason why it’s difficult to make friends. People are shy. I used to be that way too. But ask God for the courage to open up and speak. Remember, people are hungry for friendship. It’s easier to find boldness to ask when you realize that people are hoping you will.

3. Don’t fear rejection from men. We need to get over that fear to get anywhere. And don’t take rejection personally if it does happen. If someone doesn’t respond positively remember that there could be many reasons why. The person might truly have no interest in that activity. Or you may have asked one of the unusual people who already has many true deep friendships. Or it might be a man who is really struggling to get enough time, and he would love to hang out but can’t, and it might be nothing at all to do with you. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Assume he would love to be your friend but doesn’t have the bandwidth right now. What I have found is that if I reach out to a bunch of different men, some of them will not have the time or the interest or respond enthusiastically. But some of them always will respond positively. Cast the net wide, and you’ll be surprised by how many people respond.

4. Go deep fast. Don’t wait forever to go deep into friendship. Life is too short. Men also get busy and so they don’t have tons of time to hang out and talk. So don’t wait forever to get into the real talk. People also move a lot in our time. If you want deep friendships, you can’t wait years to form them slowly. Take the plunge.

Of course, this kind of boldness into intimacy can scare away some men, but in my experience most men respond very positively. They are hungry for intimate friendship and are relieved to see someone else take the first step! They long for that kind of connection but often don’t know how to articulate and express that desire without feeling awkward. Take the first step by sharing something vulnerable about yourself. Most men will be eager to reciprocate with something in their lives. I’m not saying you should share your most intimate dark secrets the first time you are hanging out. But start with sharing something personal, and see if the other man or men reciprocate. If they do, then you can go a bit deeper each time.

Trust is hard for some of us. But trust doesn’t just appear. It must be nurtured, it must grow. Trust is formed when you put your trust in someone and they keep your trust. Then you trust them with more, and then more, until they become a precious trusted friend. Be the friend you want to have. Be honest, be vulnerable. Ask for advice. Be humble and willing to listen. Be fully present. Honor their trust by keeping absolute confidentiality.

Here is a great quote from an article that backs up what I’m trying to say – “Expose your flaws — This may seem backward at first, but creating a culture between your friends in which you can openly embrace flaws is essential. Let me explain — As stated before, men try and build a reputation of appearing immune and unaffected by struggles. They paint this picture of perfection and work to hide their flaws. But as a reminder — no one can connect with someone who is perfect. The culture of picking on and bullying others for their flaws carries over from boyhood into adulthood. But, male friendships that have a strong foundation in vulnerability tend to last longer than those without. By creating an environment in which you can express your mistakes and struggles, you are giving the other man permission to do the same. By sharing your imperfections, you establish a foundation in the friendship in which you can be your authentic self, and you allow the other man to do the same.”

5. Be loyal. Once God gifts you with friends, be loyal to those friends. Be very slow to give up on them. Be quick to forgive them when they disappoint you or wrong you. Ideally, once someone becomes your friend, try to keep them as a friend for life. I know this is not always possible. People come and go from our lives. But it is indeed possible to keep up long-term friendships, especially since we can talk to friends over long distances through the phone and internet. If a friend loses touch, be the first one to take the step of reinstating contact. If a friend is in trouble, be ready to drop everything to help them. Make the friendship a priority. And if a friend starts getting emotionally distant, or starts communicating less, don’t move on immediately. Keep praying for them and writing to them. It could be that they are less interested in talking to you, but it might be just that they are going through a hard time in life or depression. They may still need you.

 
 
My Story
This is a personal topic for me. It was an area of deep pain in my life, and now a topic of great joy. I now have an abundance of deep man-man friendships.

When I was younger, I really struggled with loneliness and feelings of rejection. I always had a few very committed loyal friends, but at school I found myself alone most of the time. I was one of those kids who ate every lunch alone. If my one or two friends didn’t happen to have the same lunch period as me, I sat alone at the “reject table.” In hindsight, I am sure I could have sat almost anywhere with other kids and they would have probably accepted me just fine. But I didn’t have the courage to do something like that back then. Most of my time at school was me sitting by myself, or standing around my locker or school hallways by myself. I had immense insecurity, shame, feelings of inadequacy, and feelings of rejection. I was very quiet, cowardly, shy, and intimidated by other boys. What I described at the beginning of this post was my experience. I craved the affirmation and acceptance of other boys, but felt extremely unworthy and that I didn’t measure up.

My secret gender struggles only made things worse. Crossdressing in secret only added to my masculine insecurities and only added to my shame. I didn’t fully understand why I longed to be a girl or why I longed to crossdress. I don’t even remember early on sitting and trying to reason through it. But that secret life made my feelings of inferiority even worse. Worse yet, sometimes my crossdressing addiction made me say “no” to doing things with the very few friends I did have, so that I could stay alone and indulge my secret pleasure.

However, I can say that for the most part, I was a very good friend to those few friends I had. I was very loyal, caring, and fun when I would hang out with them. And I didn’t divide my personas as much as I might have, were I to have given free reign to my autogynephilia. I was able to relate boy to boy and share about the deep things of life, my emotions, and my plans and goals. Though I was good in these few long-term friendships, I had deep anxiety and fear to talk to anyone new. I was lonely and longing for more friends, but was too terrified and insecure in my masculinity to make any effort to try to find more friends.

Over time, I grew in my relationship with God. Over time, I healed from much of the pain from my gender issues. Over time, as I refused to give in to autogynephilia, and fought against it, I grew in my identity as a man. As I grew closer to Jesus, somehow God stretched me and grew me in my personality as well. I became more confident in relating socially to other people. I learned many of the things I have shared about above in this post. I realized that other men craved friendships just like me. I started to become the initiator of new friendship. I started to become a leader in school and church and community. It became my joy to collect as many new friends as possible, but also to spend time with friends, care for them, and keep up with them over the long haul. I am still amazed at what God has done. I went from being the one with few friends, the one with terrible fear, to someone who is gifted at making new friends.

I love my wife and love spending time with her. But I spend a lot of time with my male friends. And I get needs met from friendship with them that are different from the needs that my wife meets. I have friends I play certain sports with. I have friends I talk theology with. I have friends who are accountability partners. I have friends who are prayer partners. I have friends who are couple/family friends with my family. I have friends who I play video games with. I have friends who I share about ministry struggles with and get their advice. I have friends who I pour my heart out to. These friends are all gifts from God. I want you who is reading this to have the same joy of man to man friendship.

If you are hungry for friendship, please try out my advice. Approach someone you want to be friends with, and see what happens. Don’t be afraid to speak like I used to be. If you want a friend, speak up and initiate. Just ask.

Proverbs 17:17 – “A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 – “9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.“