Written by Ewan:

Think back to a time you were tempted. If crossdressing memories are too raw, think of something else. When you were deciding whether to act sinfully or not, did you have enough time to pause and think through what you really wanted? This post gives a tool to help you think during those moments.

It also helps create stronger memories of those times we successfully said no. Challies says “you will never regret the sins you do not commit.” Unfortunately for us, the stench of regret sticks longer than the glory of success. I can clearly remember the clothes I bought and used for crossdressing. I remember how they felt physically, how they made me feel emotionally, even a decade or two later. From time to time this drives further temptations.

Those items have strong memories because in all those actions, feelings and emotions I was creating neural pathways. There are lots of different elements for my brain to hang onto. Contrast this with the times I haven’t given in. There’s no hook for my brain to recall them. Nothing special about those occasions. I have no idea what they looked like. I know during the summer I had two strong moments of temptation, in which I was in a store looking, thinking, and imagining. But I have only a hazy idea about what those things looked like. Was one green or rainbow? Couldn’t tell you. Did the other have a floral or a space theme. No idea.

But after saying no, life just carries on as normal. There’s no further drive or motivation to keep going. After sinning there’s regret. What is there after not sinning? This tool helps create a stronger recall of success in our minds and bodies. We can recall them when we are tempted, point to them and go “this is the good life.” Think back to your own journey? How many times of success can you remember?

In our journey we must repent. Repentance is rightly called a turning from the sin. But where do you turn? You could easily turn away from one sin and into another! “sweet! I didn’t shout there! I was really tempted to, but I didn’t! Awesome!” And so I’ve turned from the sin of anger right into the sin of pride! Oops.

Sometimes our “no’s” are like that. We spend so much time on the “no” we don’t think about what the “yes” implies. It is to do with our reasons for keeping pure. Why do you, dear reader, want freedom from crossdressing? Making the “yes” explicit helps us say no, and actually can help determine a more fruitful course of action. For me, saying “no” to temptations means saying “yes” to being able to live without lies and shame – this benefits my whole life. I’ve found doing this makes me live a more rewarding life and can make the “no” easier to say and to believe.

The origin of this thinking for me goes back to a sermon from Keswick Convention 2019. Julian Hardyman spoke on Luke 12:13-21, the parable of the farmer who kept on building bigger storehouses. Successful crop! Build bigger. More success! Build even bigger! Yet more success! Build again! However, in the end he died. He never got to enjoy the fruits of his labours. Hardyman pressed that his longing was in the wrong place. He longed for his own glory and comfort. But Jesus was using the parable to help us see that, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.” During the sermon, I realised crossdressing is all kinds of greed. And the opposite of greed is blessing others. That I could either say “yes” to the crossdressing life, and die with all the pain attached, or “yes” to Christ and his eternal comfort, glory, satisfaction and meaning.

I could either say “yes” to the greed, or “yes” to blessing others.
The tool is this:
Don’t just say “no” to the crossdressing. Say “YES” to life with Christ in all its goodness.

Here’s four ideas from my own personal experience.

“No. I will not buy those clothes.” I look at how much they cost, and my inner script is a heartfelt “that’s a colossal waste of money.” But then I think about how that will benefit other people. “I am going to take this money and say yes to blessing others with it.” This could be a charity that I pray for, or it could mean buying stuff for the children or family rather than the clothes for me. Most recently the whole lot went to a community cafe we were in that same day. On the one hand, I felt I couldn’t afford that donation. Yet I knew that if I wanted those clothes that badly, I was going to make those items affordable.

“No. I will not watch TV right now.” In the summer I really enjoyed the Olympics (even watching some events twice – firstly live and then a recap with my children). But one week I got sucked into watching athletics. It was been good, but it meant I didn’t do what I needed to do. When I realised this I said “I will say yes to using the time wisely. I am going to spend the time writing something.” And that helped break a cycle of apathy toward other good things. So in that instance, saying “yes” to TV meant saying “no to living mentally well.”

“No. I will not watch porn or look up clothes or scroll social media.” I have a terrific app called YourHour to help me manage my phone use. I can set time and unlocking goals and can have a countdown timer. I can set other challenges like using an app for no more than a certain amount of time in 24 hours or locking it for a certain time. I sometimes even lock the whole phone down other than for calling. I’ve gone from about 6 hours daily use to 2. With the timer it is really clear to see how horrifyingly quick 10 minutes is. It has helped me see the time I’ve wasted and asks the question when I unlock my phone: “Ewan, what are you actually here to do?” Because saying “no to aimless unlocking” generally means “I’m saying yes to reading scripture, or being present with my family and friends.” When I press the “start challenge” button I am saying “yes” to not being distracted with nonsense.

“No. I will not stay up later than I ought to.” When it comes to bed time I have great ideas about getting there as soon as my body feels vaguely tired. I want to go to bed, but in reality I avoid the process worse than a toddler. Maybe without the screaming. But, I remind myself that the no really also means “I am saying yes to getting enough sleep.” This benefits my own body, as I’m less flat, and means I’m more likely to handle the next days’ challenges. Saying “no” to jobs after 9.30 means saying “yes” to a more enjoyable bedtime and night.

Obviously, we do need to say “no.” We need to place healthy boundaries around money, tech, time and energy. We need to be watchful and make plans to help guard ourselves. The “yes” is the other side of the coin.

Jesus ends the parable by saying that we need to be “rich toward God.” This means loving him, obeying him, treasuring him more than our own selfish greed. When we say “no” to sin, we are saying “yes” to living in step with the Spirit.  We give opportunities for using the things he’s given us for good. There can be no dissatisfaction in that.

But practically speaking: how are you using your resources – money, tech, time and energy. Are you using them for yourself? Do you use them for crossdressing habits? How could you start saying “yes, I will use these things to honour God and bless others.”

Written by Ewan