I highly suggest the article – The Transvestic Career Path – by H. Taylor Buckner. It’s an old article and some people might take offense with some of the terms or way it is written. But I find it an extremely insightful article that fits very well with modern research. There are a few things that are different from my experience, and a few things I might disagree with, but overall I found it very enlightening.
He talks about how a person develops crossdressing behaviors and much of it describes well what I’ve read from other people’s stories. What was especially interesting is looking at the common traits for crossdressers that he mentioned (that also fit me) like: our failures in social expectations of masculinity, passivity, fear or intimidation of the opposite sex, and perfectionism. Do those traits fit you? There seems to be a certain personality type that is somewhat more predisposed to develop autogynephilia or a crossdressing habit. Of course, there are exceptions, just like there are exceptions to what men are generally like and what women are generally like, but those generalities may give us a piece of the puzzle.
I think what is also interesting is what he says about the crossdresser developing an internal marriage, acting as both husband and wife. This is a good explanation of autogynephilia. (I’ve written about this here – Becoming the woman my wife is not). And this internal false marriage provides both the sexual pleasure whenever it is wanted, and at least some broken forms of social nurturing, romance, interaction and even the giving and receiving of gifts. This provides the benefits of a real marriage, but without the work of a true relationship and without worry about failure. But I would add that this false marriage of the crossdresser also misses out on the true best most wonderful parts of a real marriage to a real woman. Crossdressing cannot provide the true kind of companionship and love and adventure of a real relationship with a wife. When I first read this article years ago, it was just an interesting theory. But since that time, I have read the stories of hundreds of crossdressers and seen this played out in their lives and in their divorces. Just read the stories of some wives.
One of the few things I disagree with in the article is that he looks at the path of the transvestite (crossdresser) as fairly rigid and doesn’t think it progresses into homosexuality or transitioning. But there are plenty of stories of men with autogynephilia who transition (perhaps 75% of the mtf transsexuals out there). The female persona seems to finally overcome and replace the male persona in many cases. And there are plenty of men with autogynephilia who have sexual relations with other men. They may not be actually sexually attracted to the men, but they are aroused by being with the men because it helps them feel more like women.
The author also doesn’t seem to leave much hope for successful change and healing for a person once this crossdressing has already gained a foothold in that person’s life. But that is something that as you know, I disagree with very much. There is always hope. Many have found freedom already, and you can have it as well! And even if the desires for that internal marriage of crossdressing never completely go away 100%, you can find peace and wholeness in real relationships instead, whether you are married or not.
I found this to be a compelling read that corresponded with my own personal experience. Notably, I suffered molestation at 11 and from that experience I developed an association with wearing feminine apparel and sexual gratification through masturbation. The paper noted that this often happens between the ages of 5 and 14. I, too, developed a closer relationship with my mother who most often gave me rewards growing up. She was the dominant parent as my dad was more withdrawn, passive, and aloof as I grew up. I don’t believe my mom tried to feminize me, but all the other aspects of Step 1 in the travestic career path were present in those formative years (5 to 14 years of age).
I suffered from the second step that involves heterosexual difficulties. I think I have always suffered from low libidinal energy and low self esteem. Circumstances made it hard for me to date during high school. My parents were unwilling to let me get a drivers license. I don’t see myself as a perfectionist per se, but I did not feel like I measured up to the requirements of masculinity. I wasn’t a very good athlete growing up and have never looked at myself as measuring up to my peers. I didn’t make sports team. I finally gave up the dream of being an athlete. The lack of dating and the molestation that I suffered at 11 planted seeds of doubt into my sexual orientation. When I finally did have sex at 21, I prematurely ejaculated and was largely disappointed with my first sexual experience.
Of note, the third step to becoming a transvestite is the blockage of a homosexual outlet. I credit this with growing up with an aversion to homosexuality from my faith. I feared rejection by my family and feared sexually transmitted disease. Further, there wasn’t really much opportunity structure to develop or learn behaviors associated with homosexuality although I had been molested by an older boy. He was 6 years older than I was, and he is gay. The trauma of this molestation probably fed my aversion of seeking out the gay lifestyle. So, being blocked from that pathway and yet suffering from heterosexual difficulties I did, in fact, experience “the double failure” and followed the step suggested in the paper. That is, I reverted back to an early pattern of gratification of using feminine apparel with masturbation before other women in massage parlors. The humiliation and domination aspects of this fantasy activity gratified me. The paper termed this as a process of identification and fantastic socialization of taking the gratificatory objects (feminine apparel) into one’s self.
This segued to the fourth step wherein masturbation fantasies develop a feminine self. I think I have suffered a bit of this. I channeled libidinal energy into my feminine self while dressed in elaborate masturbation fantasies preceded by viewing pornography and reading cross dressing erotica. The cross dressing fiction has helped me to learn the transvestite culture and behaviors. I think I am amid this step. While I acknowledge my feminine self, I don’t believe I progressed into Step 5. I don’t believe I have fixed the gratification pattern into the identity of the transvestite. I haven’t wholly taken on a feminine personality. I do, however, feel like I was edging toward this step with each escalation during my acting out behavior. The ritual of masturbating while cross dressed is very strong and necessary to satisfy my feminine self. So I do think I am at the brink of Step 5.
I am grateful to have read this paper and the blog on this website. I was able to discuss this paper with my CSAT and sponsor who is helping me work through my sex addiction.
Thank you Steve for commenting! I’m so sorry to hear about the molestation. That comes up now and again from some of the guys in this community, but it wasn’t the experience for the majority of us. It seems that different factors can contribute to a perhaps already inborn propensity to develop a paraphilia like this, so molestation could be one of those factors. It’s great to hear have a sponsor helping you overcome your sex addiction. Are you committed to giving up crossdressing and related fantasies?
Yes, I have committed to working with my CSAT and sponsor to give up crossdressing and related fantasies. We have discussed this blog post and the embedded paper. It reflects well to my own personal experience. Giving up these behaviors is vital to my own well being, I regret the damage I have done to myself and others. The paper has a very fatalistic narrative with respect to hope of change, which you allude to in the blog. I believe that, like pornography addiction, crossdressing behavior probably does damage to a person’s brain by searing neural pathways into one’s mind. Dopamine chemical reactions feed the development of these pathways, I suppose. All this neurological explanations are above my understanding. All I know is these addictive behaviors are truly cunning, powerful, and baffling. But, to your question, yes, I am committed to overcoming all sexually addictive behaviors that I have ever engaged in.
Change is very possible! I know firsthand, and so do tons of guys here. Not everyone that has come here for help has changed, but many of us have learned to live without crossdressing and be happy. We have learned to overcome the addiction. We have healed from dysphoria.
Please keep reading the posts here, there is much to read – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/all-blog-posts/
Check out our support groups on the upper menu as well. I invite you to join one of them or our discord server and get help from other guys