Written by Guiseppe

I spent the entirety of my life serving two gods, as Matthew 6:24 warns against. I had a secret life of crossdressing and gender issues that I kept hidden from a very young age. When I was young, Christ transformed my life in every way possible, except I held onto crossdressing and the gender issues. I was no different than most others caught in an addictive pattern. Fall, confess and cry out to God, fight against it for a period of time which varied from less than a day to sometimes weeks, but seldom beyond that, then fall again and start the cycle over again.

At first, I believed that I had control over the addiction, each time I fell would be the last time. Over time, I became desensitized to the effects of sin. Sin has a way of warping reality, making you believe lies, allowing you to think all is right, when in actuality all is wrong! This really suppressed my relationship with Christ. I hadn’t recognized how dull I had become to the presence of the Lord and the ability to really be close to Him. Yes, I still prayed, still attended church weekly, still participated in ministries, and still read my bible. I was a “model” Christian by the world’s standard, but as man sees the outward appearance, God sees the heart (1 Samuel 16:7) Likewise, my relationship with my wife suffered and things crept back in that I had rid myself of years ago. I started believing a delusion, blaming God for “creating me this way.” I am not going to go into any detail about my sin and addiction, for we all know where a path of sin leads over time and how far reaching the tentacles of entanglement can become.

A number of years ago, after hitting new lows, I looked back over my life. It was like a field of very tall grass, obscuring the fact that it was an old mine field, littered with the craters of past pain and anguish, so many in fact that it became hard not to fall down these same craters as I tried to make my way across this sullen landscape. I wasted considerable time just trying to climb out of these “old” bomb craters, only finding myself to have fallen back into another one. By this point, my once intense desire for God and His Word had been beaten down. How I needed change! How did I allow things to progress this far? Down deep in my spirit, I knew that this behavior was not pleasing to God and the Bible says that any persistent or besetting sin will continue to devour and master you. There are so many verses that speak to this such as Romans 6:23, Galatians 6:7-8, 1 John 3:4, etc. Looking back over my life it was clear that this lifestyle brought pain, anxiety, depression, hurt, and a myriad of other negative symptoms. It hasn’t produced anything good in my life, another indication of why I needed to rid myself of this. So I doubled down in committing myself to overcoming this in my life.

Now for the great part of the story! The reason I am writing this; to give Glory to God, and to encourage and give hope to those that are struggling. It started with acknowledging that God’s Word is infallible and true, regardless of what my feelings tell me. My feelings have betrayed me, so I chose to hinge my future on the Word of God and not what, or how I feel. Proverbs 30:5 says, “Every Word of God is flawless, He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him“. One of my favorite scripture verses is James 4:8, “Draw close to God, and He’ll draw close to you.” (Although the second part of that verse tells us to wash our hands and purify our hearts!) I committed a few verses to memory, to speak to myself through the course of the day. This helped me separate my feelings from the truth of God’s word.

I didn’t even always “feel” that God’s word was true and the pattern of my mind certainly didn’t conform to God’s Word, but I was determined to continually bathe my mind in the Word of God. I constantly asked, begged, cried, yelled, and used any means necessary to tell God I was serious in wanting to change; for Him to help change my desires. It was as difficult as could be at first. Progress did not only seem slow; at times it seemed non-existent. I can’t emphasize enough, to continue to take action regardless of what your feelings and emotions tell you, which lie to you! Eventually, your feelings and emotions will start to line up with the Word of God! Isaiah 55:11 states, “My Word that goes out from my mouth: It shall not return to me void but shall accomplish that which I please“, and James 2:17 tells us the faith by itself without action is dead.

I needed to change almost everything in my life, I started therapy, participated in a Bible study on overcoming sexual addictions, committed myself to being 100% transparent with my wife, revealed my addiction to another family member and most importantly, continually cried out to God. I kept asking, even boldly demanding God to change my mind and thought processes. Romans 12:2 tells us not to conform to the pattern of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Renewal of our minds occurs by allowing the Lord to work in us! I started to make positive changes in my life like starting new hobbies, prioritizing relationships over work, adopting a puppy, and dressing in a slightly more stylish way. (Think patterned socks, nicer shirts, and shoes). Another big change was learning to love myself. I don’t need to be someone else, appear differently, or find sexual gratification in ungodly ways, if I actually love me, which I really could only do after accepting that God loves me too.

So, after years of going all in and bearing down, my setbacks became increasingly farther and farther apart. As I write this, it has been close to 9 months since having ANY desires, thoughts, or setbacks. I never thought this possible to this extent, even after really getting serious. God has worked a miracle in my life! My marriage is healing and doing very well, including praying often with my wife. I am feeling better about myself, glad of who I am and who God created me to be. I am much more joyful, feeling satisfied in life and my walk with the Lord.

It has taken time. It is hard work. I have shed lots of tears before God. There were times I didn’t think I was making progress. Stick with it! Stay the course! I can’t stress enough that you must be committed to going all in! If you really want to have deliverance, there must be a complete willingness to do whatever is necessary to overcome this. Perhaps dramatic changes are in order. Get serious with Him and do not relent! There is great hope in the Lord! Be contrite of heart and don’t give up! Your miracle and healing are imminent! With God, all things are possible! (Matthew 19:26)

By Guiseppe