It is really common for men with autogynephilia to end up enjoying crossdressing without any sexual component. For many of them, this is an argument they use for themselves and to other people to justify why their crossdressing is harmless and not a bad thing. Or they use it to justify why they think their crossdressing is really more about their identity, their feminine soul, their true self, rather than being “a sexual thing.”

But it’s important to remember that autogynephilia is not only a sexual fetish. Autogynephilia is about the love of oneself as a woman, and men will appreciate simply “being” that woman. AGP is not just about lust. The sexual element is there yes, but AGP is more holistic. The love of this feminine persona involves aspects of romance, emotional attachment and relational familiarity. A man with AGP may enjoy just spending time with the “woman” and appreciating the feminine feelings. In much the same way, we could say that heterosexuality is more holistic than simply being about lust for women. A married man enjoys spending time with his wife, appreciates her femininity, appreciates the companionship, and is engaged by the romance. Please read this very helpful article by Anne Lawrence which explains these aspects of AGP in great detail.

This explains why a man with autogynephilia would desire to transition, and even remove his male genitals. In fact, I learned from the book Autoheterosexual that most male to female transsexuals have autogynephilia. Such a man is willing to give up much of the sexual pleasure he gets from crossdressing in order to live as a woman full-time. Why? Because he is getting a lot of emotional satisfaction from being in the feminine persona. Losing the sexual arousal is a small sacrifice to make compared to the greater thrill and longing of being with that woman, being that woman, full-time. There seems to be a spectrum among men with autogynephilia. Some are much more drawn to the emotional element and feminine persona, and they often have much more gender dysphoria. As well as more depression if they are not indulging their autogynephilic longings. Some men are way on the other side and their crossdressing is almost completely a sexual addiction and they have no real desire to live as a woman full-time, and they may not have much gender dysphoria at all. But I would guess that most men with autogynephilia are somewhere in between. From books I have read, it seems the former usually do not regret transitioning, while the latter often stop their transition halfway through. When the sexual pleasures start to recede due to hormone changes, the whole goal of crossdressing and transitioning goes unfulfilled, and they decide that transition is not for them.

According to Anne Lawrence, and from conversations I’ve had with crossdressers, I’ve learned that many crossdressers get really frustrated by the sexual element. It’s not that they do not enjoy the sexual pleasure, but it competes with the emotional satisfaction. It’s awfully hard to pretend to be a woman while you are having an erection! This points to the contradictory and self-defeating aspects of autogynephilia. Some men may try to hold off on the masturbation for as long as possible, for as many hours or days as they can manage (especially since regret is very common after the sexual release, and then crossdressing loses its appeal). Or they may do the opposite and masturbate right away, so they can focus on just relaxing with the feminine persona without the sexual element getting in the way. Others go through a process of conditioning themselves to be less constantly aroused by crossdressing. The more they crossdress without masturbation, I guess the more common crossdressing becomes for them and the less arousing it is. Anne Lawrence writes about this as well. I will say though that I think there can be a lot of subconscious low-level sexual arousal going on even when erections and masturbation are not happening.

From a secular perspective, the advice people would give would be that those for whom the emotional element of AGP is very strong, they should consider transitioning. And for those who experience AGP more as a sexual addiction, they can crossdress at leisure but don’t need to pursue transitioning. This appears to be good advice, but I find it problematic. In each case, men with autogynephilia are meeting their relational needs through self rather than through a real person, in this case a wife. One man prioritizes the emotional / companionship aspect of a relationship with a woman, and the other man prioritizes the sexual aspect of a relationship with a woman. Both of those are real needs and good things. But God created sexuality to be a union of two real people, a husband and wife, to meet each other’s romantic/emotional needs and each other’s sexual needs. Whichever kind of AGP a man has, transition is not the answer, and crossdressing is not the answer. If he want to experience love with a woman in his life, marriage is his only godly option, and his only healthy option if he doesn’t want an inward self-focused life. And for the Christian man, even if he is not married, he should look to God, friends, and his community to meet his emotional needs and ask for God to give him strength to have self-control in his sexuality. For some men this might be difficult, but it is possible with the help of Christ. See this post.

When reading stories of male to female transsexuals, it is common to find out that crossdressing was for them something they did for sexual pleasure in their youth, but as time went on it became less important or faded away. They almost talk about it as if they have “matured” from that childish sexual crossdressing, and now have taken it to a higher form. I think this is one of the main reasons why most male to female transsexuals do not realize they actually have autogynephilia. They associate autogynephilia only with the sexual arousal, and don’t think about it more holistically. Since the overt sexual arousal seems to be gone for them, they may think of themselves as “truly trans” as opposed to those who are still receiving sexual pleasure from crossdressing who they might deem as “not truly trans.” The reality is that no one is “truly trans” in terms of some identifiable marker. There are just people with varying degrees of gender dysphoria, and varying reasons for wanting to transition, and people that do transition and people that choose not to.

How does this seemingly normal or common process of growing out of crossdressing for sexual arousal work out in a man’s life? Well it seems for most men with autogynephilia, the sexual element is strongest during puberty and teenage years and maybe in their 20s, and then gradually starts slowing down, with an increase in the gender dysphoria and longing to actually be a woman. And then transition finally happens, if it does happen, when the man is in his 40s or 50s. See this old, but really insightful article on this is called – The Transvestic Career Path. The progression talked about in the article fits with autogynephilic men but not with homosexual male to female transsexuals who experience great dysphoria and conviction to live as girls from very young ages as described in the book – The Man who would be Queen. I think transitioning is wrong for such children/men as well, but this post is not really about them.

I think the most helpful way to understand the progression is to think about marriage. I’ll put this in a sort of chart form.

• Marriage begins with fiery romance and sexual passion. It is near impossible to sleep up next to your wife without an erection much of the time.
• Crossdressing begins with fiery sexual passion and thrills. It constantly is in one’s mind. One only has to think about panties, or painted nails, or high heels to masturbate.
• Marriage later on is still passionate, and there are still times for sex. But you can now sleep next to your wife and kiss her and enjoy cuddling and it doesn’t have to be overtly sexually arousing. In fact, at times it is nice to just cuddle together without worrying about having sex or getting an erection. But when you want to have sex, you get naked and the fiery passion is hopefully still there.
• After crossdressing for a few years, it starts to become less blood rushing craziness. You slow down and perfect techniques for makeup and dressing. You can now control when the sexual release will come, and so you can wear women’s clothing even for a few hours with no problems and no worry about messing up the clothing. Sometimes you enjoy putting on a skirt or dress just for the comfort and feeling of femininity that it brings. At times, you get frustrated by having erections while crossdressing.
• In marriage, later still, the fiery passion is beginning to wane. You still have sex with your wife regularly but it’s harder than it used to be to maintain the passion. In order to get the passion you both have to really prep for the event, wear sexy clothing, nice smelling perfumes, and plan a date night that works around the hectic schedule with your kids. But you still get to sleep together in bed every night and it is so nice just to be together. Being in the bedroom together, or getting a minute alone with your spouse throughout the day is a refuge. Your wife is your best friend. Being with her brings you the closeness, stability, and companionship you need.
• In crossdressing, after many years, you begin to enjoy the comfort and closeness of your female persona more than the sexual pleasure. You rarely crossdress for sexual pleasure anymore. When you do, it takes more work to masturbate than it used to. Simple dressing doesn’t cut it anymore to get you enough sexual pleasure. You have to take yourself farther every time. But now, crossdressing is more satisfying even when it is not sexual. It is about being with this female companion of your creation. When you dress up as her, you are with the woman who has become your refuge, stability, and companion. During times of stress especially, you retreat to this refuge of crossdressing. On some weekends you get alone, you spend the whole time dressed, and there is nothing sexual going on. You even sleep in nightgowns at night. You feel sexual while crossdressing, but it is more like the emotional closeness in marriage when cuddling with your wife, not the sexual passion it used to be.
• In marriage, in old age, the fiery passion is basically gone (but hopefully most older couples are still having sex occasionally). But that passion has been replaced by unbreakable love and partnership built up over a lifetime together. You are best friends and you can’t imagine living life without each other. You are always together and yet many times you don’t even feel the need to talk. Just knowing that your spouse is there with you, and there for you, is enough. You are so intimate and close that it is like you know what the other person is thinking before they speak. Your sexual energy is low, but the emotional closeness is not.
• In crossdressing, in “maturity”, the overt sexual component may be completely gone. Your created woman, made by crossdressing yourself, is just like your spouse of old age. You cannot imagine life without this other woman. She is your companion, your refuge. She has become your main identity. She no longer needs to wear sexy clothes or go through constant outfit changes. You just want her there with you constantly, no matter what. You no longer want to be with her only sometimes, not only half the time. She is no longer a part time person in your life. You are fully attached to “being her.” You either wrestle with wanting to be with this woman all the time for that closeness, intimacy, softness and feminine touch. Or you actually truly become this woman full-time by pursuing hormones and surgeries.

Do you see the connections? In marriage, sexual pleasure wanes, naturally so. I still enjoy holding my wife’s hand, but when we were dating, holding hands with her was electric. But that feeling passes over time. Crossdressers get so used to dressing that the sexual pleasure fades. They have to do more and more just to get the same pleasure. Stories about crossdressing that used to give them pleasure as a kid do nothing for them years later. They need more. Crossdressing by wearing just a pair of shoes used to be enough to make them go crazy with sexual pleasure. But years later they could be fully dressed with no arousal. So crossdressers do more and more to try to get the same sexual and emotional thrills from crossdressing. Now it’s not enough to crossdress alone, but they want the attentions of men while dressing. They start considering living as a woman full-time.

As I conclude, I’d like to address the many Christian men I’ve talked to over the years who say things like – “I understand that crossdressing for sexual reasons is wrong and unhealthy. But my crossdressing is not sexual. It’s about who I am, and I believe God affirms my crossdressing or my transition to living as a woman.” Why do Christian crossdressers assume that crossdressing that is not done for sexual pleasure is somehow morally superior? I believe they fail to take into account what I said above about how autogynephilia and crossdressing substitute for both parts of a real relationship with a woman. To me, both aspects of AGP constitute immorality. Really they are both sexual immorality. They both pervert the true relationship between men and women that God designed. But beyond that, as I’ve argued elsewhere in biblical posts, the Bible is clear that crossdressing is sinful because it blurs the sex boundaries that God created between men and women. The Bible does NOT say that crossdressing is only wrong if done for sexual reasons.

I hope this post is helpful in thinking through your own relationship to crossdressing. Whether your crossdressing is more about sexual lust or more for emotional reasons, it is still creating a false female companion and trying to meet your important relational needs through yourself rather than through a real relationship. This is unnatural. I believe that it is sinful. God wants much more for us than this. He wants us to have real relationships. That is why he created marriage and friendships, and most of all, relationship between himself and us.