I have written extensively about how crossdressing is or can become a replacement for one’s girlfriend or wife. See these posts – Autogynephilia Versus Heterosexuality and Becoming the Woman my Wife is Not and Crossdressing without sexual pleasure. Often the crossdresser perceives his crossdressed self as more feminine or more attractive than his girlfriend or wife. In actuality, the crossdressed self may not be very beautiful (perhaps even quite unattractive to the general population), but since men with autogynephilia are so sexually attracted to female clothing, jewelry, and makeup on themselves, or to the fantasy or look of themselves with a feminine body, their image in the mirror may still seem beautiful and sexy to them. It’s hard to view oneself objectively in the haze of sexual euphoria.
But what makes indulging autogynephilic desires, particularly crossdressing, so much of a stronger sexual desire compared to intimacy with a wife? Why do some men desire crossdressing more than their gorgeous wives, their wives who might be very feminine in appearance and manner? On top of this, their wives might be affectionate, loving, and fun. Why would a man want to crossdress and arouse himself if he has a wife like that? I have written a lot of other posts that get at some of the other reasons. But one other reason I want to argue for here is that crossdressing allows a man to have more control.
It’s a stereotype, but most men love to be able to control and subdue things in this world. This may sound bad, but it can actually be a good thing. God created men to be co-rulers with him, and co-creators, as they work in this world, develop it, and create culture (see Genesis 1:28 and 2:15). Men love to administer and organize and make things more efficient. Men tend to enjoy hard work and have the ambition to want to be successful at all that they do. Men love to conquer. Let me be clear. I know I am speaking in stereotypes and this may not perfectly describe all men, nor do I mean to say that some women don’t have similar desires. But these are general traits of men, and in our world we see a lot of positive fruits from these tendencies in men, and we see a lot of destruction from these tendencies as well. When men go beyond leading and stewarding, to arrogant domination, it harms others. One of the common areas these tendencies bring destruction is in marriage. We have all seen men dominating women and men who abuse women. That is evil. We have also seen men who manipulate and control women. They make them into doormats or slaves. That is also evil.
In this post, I am arguing that for some crossdressers, crossdressing is a manifestation of their God-given desire to control their environment and their lives, but that it is a distortion of that desire for control, a desire for control that has run amuck. Many of the wives of crossdressers I have engaged with have described manipulative and controlling husbands who do whatever they want with no regard for the feelings of their wives, but that is actually not the direction I’m going in this article.
I am arguing that the crossdressing behavior in itself is a way to assert control over one’s life, particularly one’s sexual/romantic life. Most men desire to connect with a woman, with the feminine, in an intimate way. For some men with autogynephilia, crossdressing is a way to assert complete control over this process of connecting with the feminine. It’s a way to engage femininity without fear, without surprises, and without risk. We can control it completely to our heart’s desires. We can get the exact look of womanhood that we want, when we want it, and how we want it. We can make the woman in the mirror do whatever we want. We want to control a woman as simply as we control the television with a remote control.
I’ve interacted with a lot of crossdressing men and had many interesting discussions. Over time, patterns emerge. Let me describe some patterns below that seem to support this idea that an aspect of crossdressing is exercising control.
- There seems to be some connection between obsessive-compulsive disorder and crossdressing. I have written about that here. There has been research done on this, but I think more needs to be done. One of the central issues in OCD is a desire for control. Crossdressing could be a ritualized compulsion to deal with obsessions and anxiety, and in this case perhaps it includes the anxiety of figuring out how to relate to women romantically and sexually. That would certainly describe my relationship with girls when I was younger, and I have OCD as well. Or perhaps when we were younger, we experienced attraction to girls as unwanted and intrusive obsessive thoughts, and crossdressing as a compulsion was a way to deal with those unwanted obsessions. I don’t know. The connection between OCD and crossdressing is fascinating and needs to be explored more.
- There seems to be a common theme of crossdressing men having histories of being rejected by women. I’ve written about that here. This could be actual verbal rejection when asking women out. But it could also be perceived rejection. Many boys grew up shy, not fitting in with other boys, feeling weak and scrawny, and feeling undesirable to girls and later undesirable to women. This has led to many men feeling shame, inadequacy, or a loss of confidence when relating to women. Perhaps crossdressing gave men like this a way to control their approach to femininity. They could approach it on their own terms, and master it, without fear of rejection and without surprises. As the old jokes say, it’s really hard to understand women. What better way to control difficult interactions with women, than to remove women from the interaction completely? An image of a woman in a mirror is much less complicated than a real woman who makes her own choices and is unpredictable.
- Relating to the above point, there seems to be a common theme of men feeling shame about themselves. Although many men who are crossdressers are very successful, they may hate how they look. They don’t think they are attractive as men. They don’t think they look very manly or handsome. Crossdressing in this case is a way that they can control their feelings about their appearance. They don’t have to see themselves at all, and so they don’t have to feel bad about how they look. It’s not the man and the woman together. Instead, they see only the image of the woman in the mirror. To the crossdresser, it’s as if their ugly body has disappeared.
How can we work on recovering from this distorted way of trying to take control?
We need to learn to embrace the adventure of life and give up our need for absolute control. There are going to be surprises, and failures, and disappointments. But there will be great rewards and experiences in life as well. We must stop being control freaks. We must leave things in God’s hands. We need to trust. We need to be willing to take risks. Part of true manhood is being willing to take risks.
Interacting with women is complicated and difficult, but it is also rewarding. It’s time to give up the game of crossdressing. Stop trying to control something that is meant to be alive and active and interesting. Enjoy a real relationship with a real woman, a woman you don’t control, but a woman that is therefore exciting and fun to be with. A real relationship that you cannot control will be hundreds of times more fulfilling than a fake relationship that you have full control over.
Matthew 6:34 – Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Proverbs 19:21 – Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
Exodus 33:14 – The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”
Here are a couple helpful articles about learning to give up a need for control:
For Those Who Are Control Freaks (and don’t want to be)
7 Ways to Stop Being a Control Freak
Terrific! Thank you for your time and efforts in writing and posting this! I shared it on my Facebook page.
This resonates a lot with me. To explain the way it plays out for me I have to sorta go into a dialogue “vent-mode”- My wife knows that I absolutely love her wearing certain items (her wearing them… for me to enjoy… in the bedroom). I have communicated as best I can despite the embarrassment of it that it is utter bliss for me to enjoy her doing that, and even that without such, I can struggle to stay away from inappropriate other ways of obsessing over it. She owns said items because she enjoys the way they look, enjoys dressing up that way, is a “girly girl” in that sense. It’s part of what I knew I would need in a spouse when I was looking as a young man… That’s how big of deal this is under the umbrella of my struggle.
So, I would think the solution would be so easy- for the love of God, help me by doing this simple thing for me as much as possible (every couple nights? at least once a week? sometimes back to back days if I’m feeling particularly “driven” in this area as I occasionally do get? I mean we’re not talking lots of time here). I’ve said this to her quite a bit almost verbatim: “If I knew you would feel this feeling toward anything I have or could do for you (she doesn’t, I can’t…), I’d be sticking it in your face and relishing how much pleasure I can bring you daily” Why do you have to make it about me seeking my own pleasure? Why can’t you just be thrilled out of love by pleasuring the living daylights out of my skull almost any time you want?! Here we hit upon the compounding wound of a spouse who is permanently turned off after having discovered my own mess. So the whole, “come together and please one another” is quite ruined- pretty sure I simply cannot “please” her ever again… yet I have settled into the fact that I can’t go without being on teh receiving end very well at all, but I digress.
This question about why she leaves me hanging (even to the point of seeing things but then they’re shed rapidly before the proper time comes to enjoy them) here draws my mind to only one of two real conclusions. First, you don’t understand what I want/feel. This hurts because I’ve tried so hard to make it as clear as I can (even putting it in literal, crude, and graphic terms so there’s no subtlety left for misinterpretation). Second (and I always feel like this is the more likely option)- you are intentionally holding it back from me for any number of reasons- you hate me, you are sickened by me, you want to punish me, you want me to do something for you, etc. Of those ulterior motives, all of them make me furious (we can add my insecurities here from watching/hearing mommy/daddy argue about this matter, not to mention the Biblical injunctions about spousal physical surrender, etc.). If you hate me, ouch, but say so and I’ll get on with my licking my wounds. If you are sickened by me, ok, I understand, but at least just tell me so that maybe I can even change based on that motivation more. If you are punishing me by withholding sexual pleasure… well this is where things get very nasty in my heart. If you are trying to manipulate my more primal desire until I get to what you want, stop it- I’m not a puppy- and just talk to me. Why waste energy on such games. I ain’t got time for that. And again, this is playing with some messed up fire.
And so “control” for me is not a comprehensive matter of my whole approach to life so much as, in this context, it is about me getting around what I perceive as her obstinate and vindictive intentional inaction. “Fine (or other similarly spelled words), I’ll do it myself”. THIS is what masturbation itself is about for me. I’ll take care of myself, I will stop needing you in that way- removes your control over me as I sit over here desiring something only you can give me (without sin entering the picture- or maybe it is anyway, not sure). I will take my own sex life into my own control. When I was single, I saw it this way- I would fight to stay on the course, but then I’d just get to where my patience ran out for what I would be provided (or rather NOT provided) at another’s will/whim. And I had a ready set of specialized fetish items to help me take care of myself that way. Quick, effective, deep, etc. Just with a whole lot of screwed up baggage along with it.
In the end, I agree that it feels like a devolution to follow this way out rather than any kind of justifiable place to articulate staying. Clearly I have my own stuff to work out in my marriage and heart (doesn’t everyone?), but the issue is universal to the point that most of us can relate to the urge to break restraint and wallow in some good feels- I think framing that as a control issue is insightful/helpful at identifying underlying relationship, trust, patience issus, etc. May God help us to be grateful for each breath and to be loving in each thought and deed.
Ikthys, it was hard to read your comment. It’s interesting to hear how the post resonated with you, but I could feel the pain in your words, and I can relate to some of it, and I’m sure many of the other guys in our community can too. One of my pastoral mentors told me about surprising things he learned when becoming a pastor, and one of them was to never underestimate the amount of sexual brokenness and pain there is in everyone. We are all broken and flawed in so many ways, but there seems to be almost no one who does not experience some kind of tremendous brokenness and pain in their marriage or sexuality. It just manifests in different ways in different people and couples.
It’s too easy to give in to despair, and self-pity, and look for ways to pleasure ourselves. But I truly think the more godly path (and ultimately more fulfilling), is to give up that desire for absolute control, and instead go through the painstaking and long path of working things out with our wives, having a real relationship, and a real sexual relationship, as hard as it is to be compatible, to learn how to serve the other person, to learn how to communicate what we want, and how we are hurt, etc. It’s extremely hard, but in the end, it’s perhaps one of the main processes that the Holy Spirit uses in our sanctification, at least for those of us who are married (The Holy Spirit uses other ways for those who are single).
Anyway, it’s great to hear from you. This is an important conversation to have.
Yeah, definitely some wounds that often just sit around and fester. But I couldn’t agree more that the right thing to do is to face it, deal with it, and take whatever suffering is included with humility (and even gratitude for the opportunity to grow through it). For one thing, I’m the one who did this to myself, after all. For another, I’m sure my wife hates having these things in the bedroom because, while she plays dumb (literally “not speaking” and also generally as in not understanding), I’m sure she is grossed out by the thoughts that she knows are in my heart and mind around it all (even when they aren’t, they are connected for sure). I do get it. It’s disgusting, even to me. Yet another matter that I consider is that I’m also not very good at doing what she wants from me (I’d argue that her hopes there are quite a bit more comprehensively difficult than the type of outward act I’m wanting, but perhaps it evens out when looked at more fully), so it’s not like I can even really paint myself as a one-sided victim…
Anyway, I do relate to the OP in other ways too. For instance, I am a classic case of boyish lack of confidence with girls in youth (even as an adult I struggled a lot until I got desperate enough). Even to this day, I feel most pressured toward this perversion (not to be mean to others, just definitely speaking of myself here) when I feel the rest of my life is most out of control. It’s like a safety net to have power over at least my sexual pleasure. Ironically, of course, giving in to this is when I myself am most out of control in general. Indeed part of the pleasure rush seems to be related to the release of self-control, if not total dissociation (temporarily/momentarily) from the hard realities of life and self. So control in some aspects, and yet total abandonment of it in others.
Thanks for always being a shepherd in these distance crevasses. It’s lifesaving for those who stray this way.
Praying for you brother. Pray for me too. Keep in touch
Terrific assessment! I’m the (ex)wife of a CD and it makes perfect sense. Years ago when I demanded that he end it and I was contemplating divorce…he ended it, but turned into the devil himself and set out on a path to severely punish me covertly. I do know his mother was verbally abusive to him then died when he was a teen and father abandoned him when he was a child. He is wounded and for that I feel bad for him. However I have to protect myself and child. He doesn’t seem to possess empathy but for himself.
(Ps. Barnabas, have you written a book on this? If not you definitely should. Your writing on this is fantastic and insightful!)
Thank you Jessica for the comments. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry to hear of your painful story. Please continue to comment in posts and in the forum and encourage other wives who are going through similar things. I haven’t written a book. I’ve thought about it, but having this all on the web is much more accessible for people, especially since it’s a very personal subject.