Proverbs 14:30 – A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

When we reflect on the nature of crossdressing desires, whether its transvestic fetishism or autogynephilia, we can see that a significant component is envy or coveting. Crossdressing is sinful and harmful for many reasons, from its deceptive nature, to its tendency to addiction, to its objectification of women. But envy is one very powerful reason for believing that crossdressing is both sinful (because to envy is to sin), and harmful (because envy brings depression not happiness).

Coveting or envy is a really big deal to God. Coveting is a problematic strong desire for something which we do not have but which others possess, whether their possessions, successes, positions, or families. Coveting is thought to be part of the original sin of Adam and Eve. Not only did Adam and Eve fail to trust God’s words to them, but they wanted the position of God, the glory of God, for themselves. As a sin, envy is so destructive that it made it into the Ten Commandments (God’s commandments which summarize God’s entire moral Law in the Old Testament). Exodus 20:17 gives us commandment #10 of the Ten Commandments.

¹⁷ “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

Autogynephilia and crossdressing are fraught through with envy. This is clearly demonstratable from the very words crossdressers and transsexuals use to describe their own feelings. Listen to these quotations from Men Trapped in Men’s Bodies: Narratives of Autogynephilic Transsexualism by Anne Lawrence.

• A quotation from a MtF transsexual in the book – “I was feverishly interested in [girls]. I studied their hair, their clothes, their figures. And I brooded about the increasing differences between us. I seethed with envy while at the same time becoming sexually aroused—I wanted to possess them even as I wanted to become them. In my nighttime fantasies, as I masturbated or floated towards sleep, I combined the two compulsions, dreaming of sex but with myself as the girl.”
• Another quotation from a male with autogynephilia – “Every day is a constant fight between the things that I have to do and the autogynephilia that creates disruptive thoughts. It is not easy to study when your mind pops up thoughts of being a girl. It is impossible to concentrate at your job when you envy the pantyhose that a stranger outside wore. It is hard to maintain a healthy relationship with your girlfriend when you envy her for being female.”
• From another with autogynephilia – “My earliest memories are of going past the girls’ department in a store and wanting to wear the dresses and to be accepted as a girl. I also have early memories of being envious of the girls next door and wishing I could have long hair, polish my nails and wear pretty clothes. In middle school, when the girls were starting to become women, I began to feel cheated that they were becoming women and I was not. I envied the fact that they wore bras and nylons, dresses and heels. I wanted to be invited to their sleepovers. I, too, wanted to become a young woman….”
• From another – “I always felt envious of my wife’s body and would invariably fantasize about being like her or trading places whenever we had sex.”
• From another – “I was allowed to dress on Halloween but at no other times. I became increasingly unhappy about my role and inability to be who I wanted to be. I would sit in extreme jealousy when she would get dressed to go out and I began to realize that I wanted to be who she was.”
• A quote from Lawrence – “As these narrative excerpts demonstrate, the manifestations of autogynephilia are highly diverse. The key to understanding this diversity is the realization that autogynephilic transsexuals can envy and eroticize any aspect of femaleness or femininity, from the most fundamental and essential to the most trivial and mundane.”

What are crossdressing desires if not envy? We want what females have, things that do not properly belong to us. We envy the beauty of females. We crave and desire that beauty. We want it for ourselves. We want to be as beautiful as the women we see or imagine. We envy the feeling of “being beautiful.” We are prone to vanity and self-obsession. We spend hours in front of the mirror striving for perfection in our beauty and admiring ourselves.

We envy the feminine experience. We want to experience what it is like to be a woman or a girl. We want to experience how men treat women or how they treat beautiful women. We want to be treated chivalrously. We want to experience the freedom women have to give in to specific emotions or behaviors that our culture tends to not be so accepting of with men. We envy that women, (as we see it, and often see incorrectly) get to feel sexy, sensual, spontaneous, daring, free from responsibility, provocative, cute, free to giggle, be expressive, be vulnerable, sensitive, flirtatious, or gentle. We incorrectly think that men can’t feel these things, so we envy women being able to have these feelings, and when we crossdress we then feel free to express or experience these feelings.

We envy the feminine grace of the female body. We envy the curves, the breasts, the graceful walking, and the way women dance. We might even envy the way women hold utensils or the way they wear purses. We want to copy the feminine grace and have it for ourselves. We adore women like this. We are attracted to all of these things that we see, but we want them for ourselves. In a way, we worship women, but like Adam and Eve, we want to take what we worship to be our own, to be in control over it, to possess it. Rather than being drawn towards someone external to ourselves and admiring them from a distance, we want to take upon ourselves what we see and be attracted to ourselves instead. This is the very unfortunate and corrupting nature of autosexuality.

We envy specific articles of clothing, whether we see them online, or in a magazine, in a store, or in our wife’s closet. We envy those objects and covet them to such a degree that they consume our thoughts and hinder us from getting our work done. We covet them so much that we take foolish risks to obtain those articles of clothing even if it means a storekeeper finding out about our crossdressing, or a family member catching us in the act, or us losing our jobs by being found out.

We envy the soft or silky feel of the clothing. We envy the beautiful colors of the clothing. We envy the beauty of the feminine face with makeup. We envy the beauty of shiny painted nails. We envy the look of high heels. We envy what we perceive as the ability to dress in a sexy way. We envy the female clothing that we perceive as more comfortable (though it usually actually is anything but).

We may covet the experience of being a woman, and envy the female body. We may to be a woman fully and completely, in body and identity. We envy what we perceive it means to live as a woman. We envy the cultural stereotypes of women in our particular cultures. We envy the experiences of bearing children or breastfeeding. We envy the idea of being a mother. We envy taking on female roles in marriage or society.

In short, to summarize all of this, we as crossdressers envy “the feminine,” anything and everything related to feminine beauty. We want what females have, things that do not properly belong to us. When we crossdress, it is almost like stealing because of our covetous desires. We wear things that aren’t fitting for the men we truly are. We wear clothing that is not intended for us. For some other good posts that touch on crossdressing and envy, read these two posts by my friend Ikthys – Closeness and Perks.

Here are some additional quotes on crossdressing and envy from Richard F. Docter in his book, Transvestites and Transsexuals:

• The understanding of heterosexual cross dressing, we shall argue, must also encompass the study of how identity and gender identity are formed, how arousal and pleasure are generated, how sexual scripts are learned and rehearsed, and how intense envy and fear of women may contribute to becoming a transvestite.
• Much greater dependency is both tolerated and encouraged in girls than in boys. The process of growing up as a boy may be very stressful and demanding. Some boys appear to deal with this by developing very strong envy of girls who are seen as having it much easier, and as being more attractive and loveable. Envious feelings and subsequent identification with girls are frequently cited by transvestites as a reason for their initial experimentation with the wearing of women’s clothing, usually those of the mother or an older sister. For the boy who comes to believe that girls have it better and are more attractive and who therefore feels intense envy of girls, it may be a short step to actually try on clothing or makeup and thereby be a temporary “girl.” Betelheim (1962) has written of the “wounds” suffered by men who develop fear and envy of the femaleness of women.

Clearly crossdressers have intense envy. And envy is sinful. I realize that the Bible stating that crossdressing is sinful is not enough for most crossdressers. That makes sense to me. If you are not a Christian, why care at all about what the Bible says? And even if you are a Christian, it’s hard to look at Deuteronomy 22:5 and obey it when there is no explanation of why crossdressing is sinful. But if we stop and think of reasons why it would be sinful, for example how it is related to envy and coveting, then we have a stronger case for believing that crossdressing is sinful.

This is another reason why quitting crossdressing can bring about more joy and contentment in life. It’s generally accepted by psychologists that people who live with envy and covetousness are not happy people. They are always wanting something more than what they have. Even when those with autogynephilia give in to their desires and finally get to wear items of clothing that they coveted for a long time, they almost immediately are unsatisfied and begin longing for even more, new clothing, new experiences dressed as a woman, and even new cross-gender sexual experiences. It’s never enough, both because of the escalating nature of the sexual addiction, but also because actually becoming a woman is impossible and unobtainable.

If you are struggling with strong gender dysphoria, and are coveting being a woman and thinking about transitioning, I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. It hurts terribly, I know. But I have to tell you the truth. You will never be able to obtain that which you covet. You will never truly be a woman even if you take hormones or undergo invasive surgeries. It is impossible for you to have the experience of normal biological real women. Additionally, so often what you are coveting is actually your fantasy of womanhood, and not the real experiences of real women.

Let me tell you about one young man I counseled for years who struggled with gender dysphoria. It seemed like there was little I could do to help him or get him to listen me. He intended to pursue living as a woman. Amazingly, he turned from that path. What convinced him? It was reading what transsexuals online had to say. He realized that most of them were really unhappy and that their clothing, new names, and surgeries did not take away their gender dysphoria or unhappiness. He realized such a path would not help him to be happy either. If we want to be happy, we need to give up envying and stop craving for what we don’t have. Instead we need to learn to appreciate the life we have and accept the body that we were given. We need to focus on the good assets, skills, traits, opportunities, and relationships that God has placed in our lives.

Contentment is one of the secrets to happiness. I admit that today I still have envious crossdressing desires on a very rare occasion. But I dismiss those covetous thoughts if they come. If I dwell on that envy, and give in to it, I’d only be sinning and be unhappy. Like all sins, envy enslaves us. I don’t want to be in bondage to envy or any other sin. I learned long ago how to be content without crossdressing. In fact, life is incredibly better and more full of happiness without it. I also learned long ago to be content being a man and to be content with my body. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I love who God has made me. You can find contentment as well.

What does the Bible say about pursuing contentment? Here is one passage of many for our reflection.

Philippians 4 – “10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Here Paul says that contentment is something that can be learned. You may not have contentment today. You may be feeling completely frustrated with constant envy due to your transvestic fetishism or autogynephilia. But it is possible to change. If you can come to know Jesus as your King, your shepherd, your redeemer, and your friend, you can experience peace in your heart. Your restless heart can be put at ease as you experience God’s forgiveness and love. You then are able to trust in God in any situation, and Jesus will give you strength in any situation, even in the hard situations where we lack. Just like Paul could acknowledge being hungry, but was able to put his trust in the Lord and be content even in that situation, so also you can acknowledge to Jesus that you have feelings of dysphoria and longing to be a woman, but you are able to be content as a man through his comforting presence with you. He can give you strength to focus not on the longing for what you don’t have, but rather to accept your identity as a man and learn to live the best most fulfilling enjoyable life as a man that you can, with God’s help.

The most important step is coming to know Jesus and experiencing his grace for our sin. When Jesus becomes our absolute treasure, we can handle all the other challenges and problems in life. When we are overjoyed to experience God’s love, we can handle disappointments in our daily lives. When we have the hope of everlasting life in God’s perfect Kingdom, we can endure times of want, and temporary unfulfilled longings in this life. Put your trust in Jesus. He is the only one who can satisfy.