I wanted to write about a manifestation of my crossdressing addiction that is really important for you to hear about because many of you have probably struggled with the same thing. In the past, when I was addicted to crossdressing, it might be more accurate to say I was addicted to reading crossdressing fiction. Throughout my life, I must have spent 10 times as many hours reading crossdressing fiction compared to actually crossdressing. I would read stories about people being forced to crossdress by other people or needing to crossdress in unlikely situations. Or sometimes they would be stories about people discovering crossdressing and enjoying it, possibly with encouragement from family or friends. I read plenty of stories that were more about transgender issues and changing identity but I found those pleasurable often as well. I hate to admit that I’ve probably read hundreds of such stories over my life. It sucked away so much of my time, and was always accompanied by masturbation. Afterwards each time I would delete my internet history. Then I’d feel guilty about what I did, but the worst was feeling guilt at all the wasted time. I’d feel dirty especially after some of the really offensive junk I read.
I’ve tried to analyze why crossdressing fiction was a bigger problem for me than actual crossdressing itself. There are a few reasons for this.
1. Reading stories about people having to or choosing to crossdress for various reasons was extremely sexually pleasurable for me. It also was emotionally pleasurable, emotionally a relief and escape from life pressures, an escape from reality. (But I never felt good afterward, see this post).
2. I was much less likely to be caught reading something on my computer than if I was physically crossdressing and someone saw me. Further it is very easy to erase internet history, but much harder to hide stashed clothing or fix torn clothes.
3. I sometimes felt less guilty about reading than actual crossdressing. I knew that Jesus said thinking about sin in our hearts and fantasizing about it is also sinful, but it was easy to ignore that truths. It felt less bad if I only read about people crossdressing without doing it myself. And I felt less bad yet if the character was forced to crossdress because of a crazy situation beyond his control, rather than if he chose to crossdress. This helped to falsely assuage my guilt. It felt like if the main character was only crossdressing because he lost his luggage, then he wasn’t doing anything wrong. And if he wasn’t doing anything wrong, then I wasn’t either by reading about it. But of course I was still reading such stories for sexual pleasure. What stupid lies we tell ourselves to rationalize our behavior! I was fooling myself.
4. Reading crossdressing fiction was MORE pleasurable and enticing than actual crossdressing. Over the years, the more I realized how sinful and messed up and distorted crossdressing is, the less I desired to do actual crossdressing. Actual crossdressing became too hard. I could look at myself and realize how ridiculous I looked. It was too obvious how deceptive and foolish the activity was. At times real crossdressing could even become frustrating and not pleasurable. But it was much easier to simply get engaged in a story and escape from reality. And I could do things by proxy in a story that I could never do in real life. Since the time I’ve obtained significant freedom from crossdressing addiction, crossdressing temptations are more rare, but they do come. When they come mostly they are for reading crossdressing fiction rather than for actual crossdressing. Crossdressing seems ridiculous and dumb and I have little desire for it except on rare days. Conversely, crossdressing fiction is an old habit that provides immediate sexual gratification. The stories are told in such a way that they are pleasurable because in the stories there aren’t horrible consequences for crossdressing, people always feel good afterward, they look beautiful, and others encourage them and also say that they are beautiful. Sometimes our imagination is much more powerful and pleasurable than the reality. Crossdressing always sounds fun and exciting in the stories, but in real life it’s not all its cracked up to be.
On a different note, I’d like to talk about another aspect of crossdressing fiction in my experience. When I was reading these stories or searching for these stories I was always looking for the “harmless” ones that didn’t include pedophilia, incest, sadism, masochism, diapers, erotica, brutal forced crossdressing, domination, manipulation, rape, sissification, women being portrayed as bimbos, homosexuality, abuse, bestiality, and all sorts of other kinds of sexual immorality. What is disturbing and maybe surprising for some of you is that the vast MAJORITY of these stories include some of these things. I’m not sure why. It was hard to find so called “tame” crossdressing stories.
I often would spend literal hours searching on search engines like google to find more harmless stories. I wasted so much time. But usually I would end up reading the stories or skimming the stories with some of those nasty things in them. Being a Christian, I always found those parts of the stories disgusting and detestable and they made me feel dirty, so I tried to skip over those parts. But I was so stuck in my addiction to crossdressing fiction that I read the stories anyway. But like with everything else in life, what we do with our time, what we fill our minds with, has an affect on us. The deeper I got into my addiction to crossdressing fiction over the years, the deeper I went into my depravity. Stories that originally I would have immediately stopped reading and closed that internet window, started to become stories I would tolerate. Stories that I would tolerate, I eventually even became sexually turned on to. I hate to admit that but it is true.
I think this illustrates that our sexuality is more changeable than we realize and can be adapted and twisted the more we give in to sin. I find it highly unlikely that I could begin being utterly turned off and detesting things like homosexuality or domination or incest in stories and then eventually being turned on by those same elements in certain stories. For example, a boy dressed as a girl kissing another boy. You might say that I just have been ignoring these latent sexual tendencies within myself and repressing them. I don’t think that is the case, but I wouldn’t be ashamed to admit if it was. We are all born sinful and messed up. We are “totally depraved” to use the theological term. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that in every one of us, because of our sinful nature, we have the capacity to learn to desire any type of evil or distortion, especially sexual distortion. The more I exposed myself to such stories the more I tolerated certain things I thought were gross, and the more I tolerated them the more they started to turn me on slightly. My body and mind were learning new sexual desire and responses. I never was turned on by those other elements to the point where I would seek out stories with those in them. Thinking about them right now, I have 0% desire or attraction for those things. But there were individual times reading when those elements turned me on slightly.
Reading about pornography addiction, I know that it is much the same. Pornography rewires the brain, as I’m sure crossdressing addiction does as well. Porn addicts need more and more stimuli: new images, more images, more images at a faster rate, more shocking images, etc. Eventually it even becomes difficult for a porn addict to have sex with his wife because he needs more and more and newer and newer forms of pleasure. So some porn addicts find themselves shocked to be looking at homosexual porn or videos of rape and other more horrific material.
I think this also illustrates well the slippery slope of sin. You give into a little bit of sin and rationalize it, and you start rationalizing even more and giving into more sin and other types of sin. This may not be true in everybody’s experience. But I think about sex within marriage which is good and not sinful. It always only leads to good things, loving your spouse more, appreciating your spouse more, being more attracted to him/her, etc. But crossdressing or any other kind of sexual sin is different. Crossdressing leads into other more detestable things, like the extra depraved elements in those stories, things worse than crossdressing itself. Crossdressing might not be the most serious sin in the world to God, but if we allow a little sin in, it starts to affect our lives. We eventually can even warp our consciences, so that things that used to make us feel guilty (things that should make us feel guilty!) stop making us feel guilty. The more we allow sin to have free reign into our lives the easier it is to fool ourselves and ignore the Holy Spirit.
One has to wonder why all those disturbing elements are in crossdressing fiction. Perhaps what I’m saying is true for others. We start to rebel a bit and then it becomes exciting to rebel and we get into all sorts of depravity. Obviously many crossdressers aren’t like this, but there are those out there that once they’ve accepted crossdressing as such a big part of their lives, they think – why not embrace sadism, or sex with multiple partners, or having sex with a man while crossdressed? Sadly I’ve heard stories of crossdressers doing these very things, destroying their marriages in the process.
When I was stuck in the addiction to the fiction, at times I would get so fed up with the extra depravity, that I flip-flopped and felt more guilty about reading that filth than actually crossdressing. Then I would do actual crossdressing instead and avoid the fiction. I flip-flopped back and forth so many times. And sometimes I would be strong enough to resist going to my favorite crossdressing fiction sites knowing that they were unhealthy, and then I’d do hours of fruitless google searching trying to find more harmless stories that were about people being forced to crossdress because of unlikely situations. Doing so meant less depravity perhaps but more wasted time.
Another effect that I received from reading so much crossdressing and TG fiction was that I started to become more and more confused about my true sex. There were so many times where I just craved being a real woman after reading those stories. Reading the stories was sexual, yes. But there were many times where I craved being a woman and living as a woman because of those stories. I didn’t care about the sexual pleasure. I just wanted to be a woman. Or sometimes I felt like I actually was a woman (or more like a woman) in my mind and soul and personality. Again, I think this shows the confusing and negative affect of these stories. We live in a fantasy when crossdressing, but in some ways I was going even deeper into confused fantasy by reading the fictional stories.
Crossdressing fiction has been a bane on my life and I’m so glad to be rid of it. In the past I wished I could press a “delete” button and get those stories out of my memory. But in fact, they are drifting from my memory on their own relatively quickly. Now I want my mind and body to be influenced and worked on by truth. By wonderful books of truth and by God’s Word, not by messed up crossdressing fiction which mingles tiny bits of truth with filthy corrupted distorted lies. Let me end with a word of hope. If our sexuality is at least somewhat changeable, we have great reason for hope. There is freedom and healing around the corner! Sometimes it takes a long time, but our desires can be changed. Or if not changed, at least we can learn to be more sexually attracted to what is right, while resisting giving in to what is wrong. I would not promise anyone that they would experience change in their sexual appetites, such a promise would be dangerous! But I have experienced a greatly diminished appetite for crossdressing and a continually better appreciation of sex within marriage.