Over the years, God has used me to counsel quite a number of men who were addicted to pornography. In addition, I’ve had the privilege of having many good accountability partners throughout my life, a couple of whom struggled with pornography. I have found that there are actually a lot of similarities between struggling with crossdressing and struggling with pornography, and lately I’ve also been thinking about similarities between crossdressing itself and pornography itself. Here are some of the similarities in no particular order:
1. Crossdressing and pornography both can easily become sexual addictions that are very hard to break. This is obvious concerning pornography. Concerning crossdressing, we feel a strong “need” to keep giving in to it to the point that almost all crossdressers report that crossdressing is something they cannot live without. It sexually excites us before or during masturbation. Sometimes we do it for sexual pleasure without masturbation happening. (Sometimes it’s not done for conscious sexual pleasure but still the crossdresser feels that he cannot live without it). The addictions become so consuming that we waste hours of our lives every day. They are harmful compulsions that cause us to take risks jeopardizing relationships or jobs. .
“Dr. Jeffrey Satinover writes that “modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction.” When we return to porn again and again these pleasure chemicals in our brains pave a neuro-pathway that make us more and more dependent on the sexual stimulus.” (Source here). I would argue that crossdressing for sexual or emotional arousal does the same thing. I obviously have not done clinical research, but in both cases addiction is formed as the brain gets used to certain feelings and neurotransmitters that are experienced during the activity.
2. Pornography and crossdressing both objectify women. Now, in the case of pornography there is an important difference. In pornography, there is an actual woman who is used for her body in order to make the pornography, and this doesn’t happen in crossdressing. But there is a similar objectification of women that takes place. The porn addict becomes infatuated with the ideal female body. He finds sexual pleasure in the body alone or rather images of the body alone aside from an actual female person. Women are viewed as sexual objects and that’s it. The crossdresser does something similar. We become so infatuated with the female body that we are not content with trying to find an actual woman to know and love, but we instead create our own. We disguise ourselves and become attracted to ourselves dressed, rather than loving a real woman. Further, we objectify what it means to be a woman. Being a woman becomes synonymous with a certain look: dresses, skirts, bras, breasts, makeup, high heels, and on and on. Rather than loving a woman with a mind, personality, and soul, we love the externals that we associate with womanhood. We become so consumed with the objects, and look to the objects as the essence of womanhood, that we fail to see how ridiculous we look when crossdressed. We feel womanly because of the objects. No longer do we view being a woman as having a female body, mind, and soul. Being a woman is only about the makeup and the heels.
3. Pornography and crossdressing can both lead to other sexual fetishes/perversions. For guys I have counseled who were addicted to pornography, they were led into other places. Eventually they were being turned on by watching women having sex with other women, and being turned on to sadism and masochism in their pornography and sexual fantasies. The more they gave into their addictions, the more newness and depravity they craved. The same was true for me when I was addicted to crossdressing. The more I crossdressed or read crossdressing fiction, the more I was turned on by strange new things. I was eventually turned on by pictures of men crossdressed, crossdressing stories with homosexual elements, crossdressing stories with forced submission elements, and a host of other strange things that I am not proud of.
Pornography has four stages following initial exposure. It starts with addiction – the desire and need to keep coming back to the pornographic images. This is followed by escalation – the need for more explicit, rougher, and more deviant images for the same sexual effect. And then desensitization – the material once viewed as really shocking or sinful or taboo is now seen as acceptable or commonplace. Last is acting out – which is the tendency to begin to perform the behaviors viewed whether exhibitionism, sadistic/masochistic sex, group sex, rape, or sex with minor children. In my own life, I have clearly seen this progression with my crossdressing addiction and based on the erotic fiction I’ve read, and real-life stories of crossdressers I’ve read, most others are just like me.
4. Both crossdressing and pornography addictions can take a multitude of forms. Pornography these days is mostly done through the internet with pictures and videos, but strip clubs and magazines also play a role. Erotic fiction and erotic telephone calls can also become part of a pornography addiction. Crossdressing can mostly be done in private with clothing. But often part of it will be crossdressing fiction or TG fiction, as well as crossdressing websites, pictures, videos. And sometimes crossdressing is done with other people, a lover, or with friends. The main point here is that the addiction in both cases becomes so all-consuming that the addict looks for new and different forms to quench the thirst. In other words, the addiction manifests in many different realms of the person’s life, the person needing to consume the addiction in many different forms, through all the different senses.
5. Pornography and crossdressing both have the same emotional aftermath. When one struggles for a while with pornography or crossdressing, eventually one will come a point of deep shame and guilt. This is followed often by a purge of clothing for crossdressers, or a removal of the internet or computer, or getting an internet filter, for those who struggle with pornography. In both cases, it is important for the person struggling to find forgiveness in Christ. It’s amazing to me that crossdressers argue that this guilt should be suppressed, that it is unhealthy. Can we imagine saying that to a porn addict? Guilt and shame are there to tell you that you are doing something wrong and unhealthy.
6. Pornography and crossdressing both have the strong chance of destroying one’s marriage. Some wives will silently allow the husband to remain in sin, as long as she doesn’t have to see it or hear about it. Other wives will not tolerate it. Even in the cases where the marriage is not destroyed, pornography and crossdressing can both alienate the husband from his wife. Both will probably eventually consume the husband to the point that he barely desires his wife or barely spends any sexual time with her. From what I have heard and seen in marriages throughout my ministry, I would say the final results of both pornography and crossdressing are absolutely horrific to spouses. The stories I’ve heard are so very painful. In the case of pornography, the final stage of acting out in real-life whether through adultery or prostitution or rape will absolutely devastate a wife and most likely end the marriage. In the case of crossdressing, the final stage of acting out will involve wanting the wife to see and tolerate and take part in the crossdressing, or wanting the wife to bear public shame in the husband publicly crossdressing, or the very worst, the husband wanting to live part-time or full-time as a woman and expecting this to somehow be okay with the wife! The husbands don’t want to give up crossdressing, but somehow demand that their wives change in their sexual orientations. The result can only be the husband leaving the marriage to be free to pursue his sin, the wife leaving the unfaithful husband, or the wife accommodating the husband and living in a really messed up unhealthy relationship.
Even in the cases where the husband is fighting his crossdressing problem or pornography problem, the marriage can undergo a lot of stress because of the complications it causes. Even if the crossdressing or pornography is a thing of the past, it can still cause problems in the marriage bed. The husband with a history of pornography addiction might have unrealistic notions of the female body and may have trouble being turned on by his wife. The husband with a crossdressing past may be so consumed with female clothing that he can’t have sex with his wife without thinking of crossdressing fantasies or without his focus being solely on his wife’s clothing and accoutrements. His wife’s naked body might not be pleasurable enough for him, and he might long instead to see her painted nails or high heels.
7. Both pornography and crossdressing give us a false ideal that “THIS” is what women are supposed to look like. We get false views of what ideal beauty looks like. This can cause us to harshly judge our spouses’ looks, or not be as attracted to her. Perhaps it even causes crossdressers to harshly judge their own looks, not happy and content with how they look as a man, and maybe not happy about how they look while crossdressed either.
8. Both pornography and crossdressing can lead to harmful sex role stereotyping. This is how women should act and be, and this is how men should act and be. Pornography has been linked to problems like rape, sexual aggressiveness, and violence. Crossdressing seems often to be linked with very rigid and unhelpful gender stereotypes, such as that being a woman means being extremely passive, quiet, sensitive, emotional, free, spontaneous, etc. etc. etc., and being a man means being the direct opposite – being very strong, stoic, rigid, forceful, etc. The truth is that many of these are just stereotypes. We have limited men from being fully human and limited women from being fully human by forcing them into these rigid gender stereotypes. In transgender fiction, crossdressing is intimately connected to cleaning the house and dressing up like a maid. Crossdressing is linked to being treated like a bimbo or dumb blond (it’s a whole category of stories).
9. Both pornography and crossdressing feel good to those who do it, and it doesn’t seem wrong to them because it feels good. In both cases the people doing it usually don’t see a problem, whereas practically everyone else in their life thinks it is a major problem, or would think it was a huge problem if they knew about it. Addiction never seems like such a big problem to the addict. That is why we need others speaking truth into our lives.
10. Both pornography and crossdressing are used as escapes from reality because of stress or anxiety. While providing temporary relief from the pressures of masculinity or life in general, they both don’t solve the problems causing the anxiety or stress. In my ministry to others, I have seen that both crossdressing and pornography have only served to increase stress rather than alleviate it. The escape from reality takes the place of pondering one’s feelings and life situation, and dealing with the problems or making changes.
11. Both pornography and crossdressing regularly lead to lying, and even stealing and cheating. This happens as we try to find ways to do what we want to do without people finding out. And we have to delete our history, cover our tracks, wash clothing, and make up stories about where we’ve been.
12. Both pornography and crossdressing are perceived to be harmless by those who do it, but both are harmful to oneself, and to one’s relationship with God, and often to other people. They are both sinful and destructive. Why? Because they are both deceptions. They are both outside the sexual boundaries that God has set for us within marriage. They both involve lusting after someone besides our spouse, whether it be a woman online, or a false woman of our own creation. Both activities are sinful, and we need to seek forgiveness through Christ, and we need to vigorously fight against these sins in our Christian lives.
13. Watching pornography or engaging in crossdressing both have the potential to disconnect us from real relationships. They both detach real emotional involvement from sexual experience. Addicts will often turn down spending time with others in order to spend time with their addiction.
14. Pornography and crossdressing involve the same sorts of treatment to fight the addiction. Both can be helped by accountability partners, prayer, recovery groups, removing of temptations and triggers, understanding oneself and why one desires the temptation, finding joy and meaning in other healthy ways, rewards/punishments, feeling loved and forgiven by God, etc.
I was struck writing this at how similar pornography and crossdressing are. Perhaps we as struggling crossdressers have a lot of wisdom to offer to those struggling with pornography and the other way around. Maybe we are all struggling with the same root sexual addiction that objectifies women, but the sexual sin just manifests itself in a different way.
Hello. I am seeking counsel in this regard and would like to know where I can access or what resources you can refer me to in order for me to put more attention to this. Please reach back out. The article was scary, and completely spot on.
Good to hear from you Ben, we here in this community are happy to help you. I first suggest you consider our prayer group – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
I also encourage you to keep reading my posts. Maybe start with these two – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/integration-and-contentment/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/12-steps-to-stop-crossdressing/
You can also find a lot of help on this page. I encourage you to look at the articles that deal with overcoming sexual addiction or pornography. The principles you will learn will help a lot in recovering from crossdressing addiction:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/links-resources/
I will pray for you right now
Hello, I am seeking help on how to quit crossdressing, I’ve recently quit porn but quitting crossdressing has become so hard. I quit for over a month but had several dreams about it that pulled me back in. I could really use some prayer and help
Great job Henry quitting porn! You can overcome CD as well. It’s not an easy process, just like with porn. Sometimes you may have a setback, but overall you can move forward to a life of freedom without CD. Have a look at more of my blog posts to see how to quit –
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/all-blog-posts/
Also consider joining one of our recovery groups – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/recovery-group/
I will pray for you right now
Chris, thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry for what your family has gone through. It is deeply painful to read about. I’m going to pray for you right now, and your son and wife as well. I’m hesitant to give advice since I know so little of your situation. Instead, let me ask,
Do you know Jesus? Do you worship with a Church?
Have you already given up your fetishes and crossdressing, or are you still indulging in them?
Did you wife and you get into this separation because of what your son went through or because of your sexual addictions?
Hello Chris may i suggest either, write a detailed letter to her saying what you want to say. Or start to see an addiction therapist with the intention of working towards having a joint meeting with her and the therapist so that there is someone there to “hear” what she is saying and to mediate the meeting. If she doesn’t want to come or ignores a letter please respect that.
Great post! I am new here and doing as you suggest, reading through all the older posts. I made some observations: The links in 1) are broke. In 2), This is another way that the crossdresser goes against God’s design. God said it was not good for Man to be alone, and he took part of the man’s body away from him, and incorporated it into the female he created specifically for the man, to be his beloved helpmeet and companion. In autogynephilic crossdressing, it’s like the guy subconsciously thinks he can do it better than God. No need to take something “out” of ME to make the perfect woman. I’ve got everything *I*need right here inside me! I can make a perfect woman for me, and l’ll never have to risk having “her” walk around outside of me and be “her” own person. In 5), Very well-said! I had never thought about it but Yes! Why is only one of these addictions something to feel guilt and shame about?! In 8), you direct readers to go read some crossdresser fiction (to show you are correct in saying that the fiction objectifies women). I’m not sure you want people seeking that stuff out, “because Barnabas said to see for myself”, right? But this is a great post overall, it makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
Thank you Saveme for the helpful comments. Thank you for showing me the broken links, I’ll have to work on that. Good point on taking out that suggestion. It wasn’t really a suggestion, just a way to verify what I was saying, but I can change that.
This article is total junk. Care to share any sources?
This is based on my own experience and based on my extensive reading about pornography addiction and Autogynephilia, and my experience caring for guys struggling with both. What part do you think is junk and not true?
Also I shared at least one source in the article. If you want to see some of my other sources – https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/links-resources/
If you want to dispute a specific claim, I can debate a specific point with you and try to give you more sources to back up my point. However, I am not going to attempt to do that for the whole article. You have to tell me which point you disagree with.
I also feel with Pornography and Crossdressing that makes them both different from othe addictions is that there is “nothing” to put down as such.
By that i mean they can both be acted out in the head, Pornography and clothes are not always needed for “acting out”. And this makes it almost impossible for complete recovery. And why with Pornography it is understood to have a less than 1% recovery rate.
I know as a wife i could never be sure what was really happening.
No thoughts on my post Barnabas ?
Sorry I didn’t know you wanted me to respond 🙂 There are certain chemical changes to the body that make drug addictions maybe more difficult to give up than sexual addictions, and obviously more damaging to the body. But I agree with you that with sexual addictions, you can still act them out in your mind, and this keeps the pleasure hits coming and keeps the addiction going, but also keeps you wanting more (because it’s not as satisfying being in the head alone). So part of fighting such addictions is not allowing the thoughts either. As the Scripture says, we have to take every thought captive and make them obedient to Christ.
I have not heard that statistic about the recovery rate from pornography, I’d want to see the research that says that.
So I found out my husband was cross dressing about 9 years ago. I tried to make things work but in the end we divorced. My husband would say he was just across dresser but after being separated for about 2 years he went on to start calling himself transgender. Can you help me understand why he would now say he was transgender after being a cross dresser for I guess what was most of his life even though for 20 years of our marriage I had no idea.
Carri thank you for reaching out and for the question. It would help you to understand the general phenomenon of autogynephilia and the normal path that it takes. That is what crossdressing is about for most of us. It starts as sexual arousal to crossdressing and thinking of oneself as woman, but that alter ego gets more entrenched until the person is in love with that false woman and wants to live with her full-time. This is the most common type of male to female transsexual. Here are a few resources that will help you to understand this – https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/theology-in-the-raw/understanding-cross-dressing-DTb6CJ_K4cr/
http://www.tbuckner.com/TRANSVES.HTM
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology
http://unremediatedgender.space/papers/lawrence-becoming_what_we_love.pdf
You are wrong about drug addiction being more difficult than Sex Addiction.
As for seeing the research about less than 1% recovery for sex addiction. I am surprised you even mention such a thing ! There can never be “research” as such because of the lies, denial and relapse involved and finding candidates ! Therapists will make up figures to keep their work going.
3% is quoted for Alcoholism and that is just based on a loose understanding the same as less than 1% for porn and sex addiction and i am convinced that is a true figure.
The truth is rather frightening and people would rather not hear it.
Thank you for sharing your opinion. I disagree, and find reading research studies on these matters quite helpful. I also find from experience and testimony that many people have been set free from addiction. We can agree to disagree.
Keep in mind that this website exists to help people recover from their addictions and overcome them. It is not very helpful for you to come here and tell people that it is impossible to quit. If you truly find these addictions harmful and devastating, then it’s better to encourage people and help them to find freedom from those addictions.
Like Like most do you have twisted what i have said.
Less than 1% is not impossible. Bur rather those that really want to will do their best and stop and become a member of the less than 1%. But you must be realistic.
I’m sorry, I was not trying to twist what you said. Yes, you are allowing for the 1%. What do you mean by being “realistic”? I never tell anyone here that it is “easy” to stop. But I tell them it is possible. I’m honestly not sure what your goal is in your comment? Are you just trying to point out that it is hard to overcome these addictions? The guys here are well aware of that already.
I have been following your site for many years.
I have no agenda with my post. I am pointing out why it is so difficult but of course not impossible to overcome.
Your men may realise this but there will be many wives checking in maybe not revealing themselves that need to understand how it really is.
I wish all who post nothing but God’s blessings in their journey because i know it cannot be overcome alone.
Thank you. That is a different perspective that is helpful, that you want the women to realize this is more difficult than many of them might think. They need to be aware of the reality when figuring things out with their husbands. Thanks for that other side of the coin.
I also want to make it very clear that when i said it can’t be overcome alone i meant without support from places like this,Twelve Step fellowships and the correct therapy.
I would not blame any wife for walking away because of the more often than not insurmountable difficulties. And no one should judge.
Yes, sometimes walking away is the right thing for a wife to do, especially if the husband is unrepentant. I think that crossdressing qualifies as marital unfaithfulness as a grounds for divorce, if the husband refuses to stop, or refuses to get help.
Yes for porn addiction, if there is unrepentance and he or she refuses to stop.
I am asking specifically for if you view Porn addiction as marital unfaithfulness.
Also an important question to you. How many times should a wife overlook/forgive a relapse.
At a famous treatment centre in the UK we were told (partners) when recovery begins it’s then a choice to pick up. I agree with this so for me once would be enough. And i would make that very clear.
Yes, I had answered yes already. I would be careful counseling someone to divorce. Marital unfaithfulness can be grounds to divorce, but divorce is still an evil. Looking at porn is sinning, but for most couples it shouldn’t have to end in divorce. It’s always better to forgive and make the relationship work. If someone is repentant of their sin, say in the case of adultery, and leaves the extramarital relationship, it’s easier to move on together and rebuild the trust. But if someone won’t leave their sin, whether CD, pornography, adultery, etc. then its extremely difficult not to get a divorce.
To your other question – Luke 17:3 – 3 So watch yourselves.
“If your brother or sister[a] sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
If you don’t forgive, God won’t forgive you. Jesus says so clearly. You can still forgive and divorce, but you must forgive.
Sorry but that is just beyond …well i have no words.
So put up with the pain and just keep forgiving. I hope any wife chancing on your site will run for the hills.
You are a typical addict.I could say a lot more but i will be praying for your wife instead.
Jesus’ words offend many people. But they are his words not mine.
You don’t have to put up with the pain. Forgive, and then remove yourself from the situation. To illustrate, let’s say the sin the Bible is referring to, is your husband punching your child. Your husband punches your child. And your husband comes to you and says, “I punched our child, and I’m sorry.” The Bible says, you have to forgive your husband. The Bible does not say, you have to allow your child to stay in a situation where he will be punched 6 more times that day. For one thing, leaving your child in that situation is almost like giving your husband permission to commit more sin and punch him 6 more times. For the good of everyone involved, including the sinner, you need to leave. Forgive the sinner, call the police, and get that child & yourself safely away. You are under no obligation, Biblical or otherwise, to stick around for 6 more sins a day. Forgiving just means forgiving. It doesn’t require forgetting that the sin ever occurred, or staying in a situation where the sinner can continue to sin against you with impunity. Forgiving doesn’t mean, you can’t seek justice and reparation for the victim of the sin. It DOES mean, you can’t continue to harbor anger and bitterness and nurse your grievance and grudges and malicious thoughts. It is actually for your own good, as well as the good of the sinner. For your own good, because clinging to bitterness and hatred only drags you down to the level of the sinner, in the long run. It’s ok to feel righteous anger and sorrow when you have been sinned against. Just don’t compound his sin by letting it poison your character, too. The admonition in Luke refers to a sinner who comes to the person he sinned against, to proclaim his repentance. Him feeling sorry that he sinned, is different from him being sorry that you feel upset because you caught him sinning. “I never meant for you to be upset” is vastly different from “I never meant to sin”. Kind of like Adam & Eve. They didn’t feel bad about betraying God’s trust in them, as much as they felt bad because God was angry about the betrayal and was going to levy unpleasant consequences against them for it. God forgives us our sins, but it doesn’t mean he likes our sins or is going to remove the earthly consequences of our sins. He expects us to be sorry for our sins, not just because we are sorry that God has decreed sin is wrong and carries consequences, but because we are sorry we didn’t love God enough to keep from betraying his trust in us. Crossdressers sin against themselves and their wives. If it continues, the wife needs to remove herself from the equation. Otherwise it’s like continuing to leave $100 bills on the seat of your unlocked car, when you know there is a thief in the neighborhood. At some point, you are actually complicit in the sin. Hate the sin, forgive the sinner, and when possible, endeavor to avoid being “sin-adjacent”.
Saveme, that is exactly the point. That’s why I was saying you can still forgive even while divorcing. Sometimes you have to get away from the spouse, whether for your safety, or your child’s safety, or if the spouse continues in willful unrepentant sin. At that point you can begin by separation, and it may end in divorce. But you can still truly forgive, even if the person goes through consequences of their actions. But if the sin is not one of unrepentance, for example, you find out that your husband looked at pornography once, he repents about it, is trying to get help to not look at it again, it would be better, in my opinion, to forgive and not leave the marriage, and to work on rebuilding the trust and relationship together.