If you are here reading this post, maybe you are feeling utterly depressed because of your autogynephilia or gender dysphoria. Maybe you are full of guilt, or maybe you feel anxiety and great pain from unfulfilled longing. Or maybe you are feeling hopeless and full of shame about your addiction to sissy porn. Maybe you have lost your job, your marriage or relationships with your children because of your crossdressing, and you feel like your life has fallen apart. Please keep reading! There is hope for you yet!
(If you are here because you want to care for others who feel suicidal over these sexuality and gender issues, then please keep reading. The whole post will be helpful for you, but I will also give you information in the second part of the post to help you think about this ).
First of all, let me tell you that your life has value. You are a person made in the image of the almighty God. He carefully knit you together in your mother’s womb and created you for a purpose. I and the others of this website community care about you. Sure, we don’t know you yet. That’s true. But we know the pain you are going through. And we care for you. We love you. We want to get to know you. We would be very hurt to hear of your suicide. Even when we read in the newspaper about a trans person who commits suicide, we mourn with real grief! You are our brothers, our sisters. We love you. You are NOT ALONE.
Second, before you read further, if you are experiencing strong suicidal thoughts right now and are entertaining ideas of carrying it out in your head right now, please just put those thoughts on hold and at least talk to someone first. It can’t hurt you just to talk to someone who cares and talk to them about your problems first. You deserve to feel supported. To be heard. There is support available. You can talk through your problems with someone who listens well and who cares for you, and they can help you work through your distress.
Call a pastor in your area. It can even be someone you haven’t met, but one you get the number from online. Any pastor will be very happy to talk to you about this. You could also call a counselor and set an appointment to talk through your issues with them. Or you could email me through this contact form, and I’ll get back to you within a day or two.
If you are feeling frantic already and don’t want to set an appointment, you can still talk to someone NOW. Call the suicide hotline at 988. If you are out of the USA, see these call numbers.
Third, remember that what you are feeling right now is temporary. Feelings come and go. This will pass. In the next few minutes, do what you need to do to make sure you are safe. Follow your safety plan. Distract yourself. Take a walk, play with your dog, eat good food that you like, play a video game, do what you have to do to get through the next few minutes instead of just dwelling on your anxiety and depression. Take time also to challenge some of your thinking that you know deep down is not true. Remind yourself of the people who desperately love you and care about you. Once the frantic anxiety and suicidal thoughts subside for a time, try to make a long term plan and strategy so that you are ready if those thoughts ever come back again.
Fourth, I know that things might seem hopeless right now, but let me assure you, things can change. Many men in this community have been where you are right now. Yet they didn’t give up, and they experienced change! They felt trapped by addiction and hopelessness, and yet now they are living free, no longer slaves to addiction. (Read about how change is possible!) Or they didn’t know if they could go on without a resolution to their gender longings and gender dysphoria, and yet now they have learned contentment. (Read the numerous stories under the testimonies section of this page). Or they felt like they lost all of their relationships, jobs, and good things in their lives, and yet now they have reconciled with loved ones and friends, and have meaningful work to do (Read the writings from guys in our recovery groups about how God has rebuilt their lives).
You can overcome crossdressing, you can learn to manage your autogynephilia and not give in. You can learn to enjoy being a man. God’s Word is clear that we can overcome sinful temptations and that in Christ we are set free from slavery to sin! But even if you are not a Christian and don’t believe the Bible is true, it is still very true for you that you can overcome crossdressing, not indulge your autogynephilia, and live a life of contentment as a man. Many others have done so. Keep reading the various posts and resources at this website to see how to overcome, how to pursue integration in your personality, and how to accept yourself as a man.
One of the most common problems people experience in this area is feeling like they have gone too far, sinned too much, for God ever to forgive them, or for God to ever heal their broken hearts and broken lives. It is never too late. You are never out of reach of God’s love and mercy and forgiveness. God can totally forgive you for all of your disobedience and rebellion against him. He does this through the work of Christ, our mediator and redeemer, the one who came to earth to take the full punishment for our sins, and the one who lived a perfect life to give us righteousness so that we can be justified before a holy God.
1 John 1:8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 2:1 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. 2 He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also forb the sins of the whole world.
Joel 2 – 12 “Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” 13 Rend your heart
and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.
If Jesus wants us to forgive each other so many times, imagine how much greater God’s forgiveness it to us!
Luke 17 – 3 So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. 4 If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”
Psalm 103 – 8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
Jesus even takes away our shame and replaces it with his love, affirmation, and with sharing in his glory. He works in us to rebuild our lives. His presence in our lives brings transformation. He works for our good in all things. He restores, he reconciles, he heals.
Isaiah 61:7 – Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance;
and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.
Psalm 34 – 4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. 5 Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Psalm 3:3 – But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
Romans 8:18 – I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Philippians 1:6 – He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
If you don’t know Jesus, and you want to be forgiven for your sin, you want to know God and experience his love, but you don’t know what to do, please reach out to me. I would be glad to talk to you and help you to begin a relationship with Jesus. In the meantime, here are some links that may help you.
How to put your trust in Jesus as your Savior.
How to Pray: The Beginner’s Guide.
My Christian Perspective.
Be Aware of God’s Presence.
Fifth, what could be some faulty ways of thinking that are pushing you to suicidal thoughts?
a. Some people may buy into the culture’s narrative that life without complete sexual fulfillment is miserable and not worth living. This is simply not true. Sexuality is only one of many important aspects of our lives. There are plenty of people who who are unfulfilled sexually and still living healthy, happy, and fully meaningful lives. Some people are single but wish to be married. Others are living in broken marriages. Others are unable to pursue sexual intimacy easily due to disabilities or medical problems. But people can still find joy and meaning and purpose in God, in family relationships, in friendship, in productive work, in serving others, in creative and interesting hobbies, and in many other areas of life. Western culture sets up sexual fulfillment as a god or an idol. Yet it doesn’t have to have the importance that the culture places on it. In fact, I think we set ourselves up for disappointment and grief by putting it on such a high pedestal.
b. Some people may think you can’t live a free and full life if it includes fighting against temptation. They think the only two choices are – fully giving in to crossdressing or autogynephilia or somehow magically having all of their crossdressing and autogynephilic desires disappearing. But this doesn’t make sense. When we want to lose weight, we don’t think the only way it will happen is if I never desire ice cream and cake ever again. No. It’s about learning to have self-control and resist certain desires in order to fulfill our more important desires. Don’t expect that recovery or healing from autogynephilia will be possible only if God somehow miraculously takes away all of your desire for it. It is okay and normal for you to pursue a goal that will involve battles against temptation and learning how to resist giving in to some of your desires. Don’t catastrophize in your thoughts, thinking that if you can’t get rid of your autogynephilia completely then life is not worth living. That is a faulty way of thinking.
Make peace with the reality that the temptations might never go away. This is something we need to face, but it should not make us depressed. Treat crossdressing like an addiction. An alcoholic might always have certain small desires to drink, but he or she continues to resist until they die. Similarly, we might desire crossdressing at times for the rest of our lives, but we can still resist. And we can still lead a healthy fulfilling life. To read more about this, please read my post – Healing doesn’t mean no more temptations. But don’t be hopeless about change either. Over time the desires for being a woman or for crossdressing can diminish more and more each day and each year. That is what I have experienced.
c. Some people believe that their brain is too messed up and broken and twisted now due to all the years of pornography and escalation into different types of pornography that they have indulged in. They feel like they have perverted themselves too much now and there is no hope for change. This is a lie. As a Christian, we can talk about God’s power to change our heart and our thinking and make us new creations. But even if you are not a Christian, there is plenty of evidence that you can recover from pornography addiction and from the damage you caused to your brain. The brain is a remarkable thing, and it can heal even from this damage you caused to it. Read all the many great resources about healing your brain at Your Brain On Porn.
d. Some people quit crossdressing or trans porn and for the first week or two they experience great depression. Everything feels worthless, ugly, dark. Things feel empty. They lack motivation, they lack energy. This can make some people despair or even make them suicidal, or it makes people go back to their addiction. But if you can understand how the brain works, and the dopamine dumps that happen as you get addicted to a sexual addiction, such as crossdressing or pornography, you can understand that when you give up your addiction, you will have to expect a withdrawal period. Your brain and body have to get used to living without constant dopamine hits all the time. If you push through this period, over time your brain will heal from the abuse you have put it through, and you will begin to get natural dopamine hits through the good things in life once again, such as time with friends, eating good food, walking your dog, etc. So don’t give up! Push through the withdrawal period and remain abstinent. You can experience happiness again without the need for your “drug” or your sexual addiction. For more help and understanding on the brain and dopamine see Your Brain on Porn and videos from Dr. Trish Leigh.
e. Don’t believe the lie that you can’t be a real man because you have x,y, or z personality traits that seem feminine. You are a man biologically and in reality, even if you don’t fit all of the cultural stereotypes. Learn to accept yourself as you are, rather than trying to change your body or identity to match your personality. See this post for more help – Integration and Contentment.
Sixth, what are some immediate next steps you could take if this post has calmed you down and given you some hope?
a. Seek medical help if you have a problem with depression. Medication or counseling could be helpful for you.
b. Get enough exercise and enough sleep. This is almost always an immediate way for people to begin feeling better about their lives and having better energy, motivation, and feeling of wellbeing.
c. Tell someone else you respect about your struggle. They will give you encouragement and support. You will not feel alone anymore. Consider joining one of our recovery groups as well, so that you have the empathy and support of other men who have a similar struggle.
d. Spend time with people. Be intentional about making that happen. When we sit home alone ruminating over dark thoughts, we can make our depression worse. Get out and live life with other people. Get an apartment mate. Join groups at church. Volunteer. Join a sports team. Play video games with friends online with voice chat. Do things with people so that you don’t just focus on your negative thoughts.
e. Spend some time thinking about whether or not you really want to fulfill your autogynephilia or crossdressing desires. Maybe it is not the healthiest choice to you? To help you in brainstorming and thinking through this, see this post.
f. Pray. You may or may not believe in God. But what do you have to lose? God may not speak to you audibly back, (though he could). But just try speaking to him. Tell him about your problems, and ask for his help, and then see what happens over the next week or month. You may not know whether to believe that God exists. But I believe God is real, he is almighty, he hears your prayers. So reach out to him. Talk to him. Matthew 7 – 7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. As you talk to him, remember that he is a God of love and compassion. He is the God who created you. Yet you are also a sinner who has rebelled against him or ignored him, so be ready to repent and apologize and confess the wrongs you have done against him, and ask him for his love and forgiveness through Jesus, who died to take our punishment for sin.
Part 2
In this section, I’d like to think more deeply about the experience of depression and suicide among transgender people, regardless of which type of transgender – autogynephilic, homosexual, or others. I write this to help people such as pastors and counselors who are trying to care for people with autogynephilia or gender dysphoria.
This research study (pdf) is helpful to read – Suicide Attempts among Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming Adults. It’s not a perfect study but it brings to light some of the important issues to consider when it comes to gender dysphoria, depression, and suicide. I suggest reading this as a starting point, but as you read, remember it it looking at these issues from a secular worldview. Some of the important articles below will take a bit of a different viewpoint from this link.
You need to realize that people are going through a lot of pain. Some of it might be due to cultural stigma and bullying as the study suggests. This is tragic and must be preached against. But much of the pain is due to other factors. There is a lot of self-loathing and shame from people feeling broken and messed up. There is a lot of frustration from unfulfilled longing to have a different body or different identity, to be someone of the opposite sex. There is a sense of unobtainable longing, knowing that a man can never truly become a woman, which is why some people who have surgeries to appear as the opposite sex may still commit suicide afterwards, when they realize it did not accomplish all that they hoped. There is a sense of gender and identity confusion that can make a person feel unstable and crazy, sometimes even being unable to sift through and understand their own thoughts about themselves. There can be a sense of hopelessness thinking that the gender longings or addictive sexual desires will never fully go away.
There are also people suffering a lot of pain due to secondary causes that have come about because of their gender issues. Some have lots jobs, or family relationships, or marriages due to their sexual addictions. Some have committed adultery or been sexually unfaithful in other ways, and feel that they can’t bear the shame and guilt from their actions. Some are suffering because their family members or wives refuse to forgive them for things that they have done, or refuse to love and accept them when they find out about their gender issues. This is all the more painful when the person is not wanting to indulge their dysphoria through transitioning or crossdressing, but their spouse or friends still reject them for being so different. Today, this may happen more often in Christian circles than in the world, and that makes me sad. As Christians we shouldn’t affirm sin, but we must love and care for those who are fighting against their sin and not judge them for having the peculiar temptations that they have.
How to help a man like this? First, be a loving person and a good listener. Give the man a hug. Listen to his story. Let him feel loved and respected and accepted. Don’t make him feel like a freak. Remember that he did not choose to have the desires or dysphoria that he has. He controls how he acts upon those desires, but he did not consciously choose them. Give him love. Talk with him. Help him to understand God’s forgiveness. Serve him. Walk the journey with him. And give him hope in Christ!
I also highly recommend working through with the person any cognitive distortions he has. I have found this helpful in my own life. See this from the authors of The Coddling of the American Mind. Here is a great short link – Appendix 1: How to do CBT. The link includes an excellent list of common cognitive distortions that especially young people experience today.
On a different note, we need to resist the weaponizing of suicide to support trans rights. Many people are trying to affirm transgenderism by saying that if you don’t affirm someone in their chosen gender identity, he or she will commit suicide. Or that if you don’t let your child live as the opposite sex, he or she will commit suicide. These are scare tactics, and they actually do a lot of damage. It is counter intuitive, but this actually makes trans people more fragile. If they take in this lie, they may become more prone to depression and suicide. If they hear that every time trans people are not affirmed, they become depressed and suicidal, they will catastrophize the event any time someone doesn’t affirm their gender choices. And then they will think life is hopeless and awful because they are not affirmed, just because of that narrative that is out there. Such ways of thinking could actually unintentionally encourage people to think that suicide is the only option when not affirmed.
It’s also important to be aware that transition isn’t the magic bullet the culture makes it out to be. There are a lot of horrible detransition stories out there. Just do some googling. You can also read a few of them here in the testimonies section. When you think a surgery is going to take away all of your dysphoria and it doesn’t, after you pinned all of your hopes on that for years, the hopelessness and feeling of failure can be excruciating.
The experts also say that there is no persuasive evidence that gender transition reduces gender dysphoric children’s likelihood of killing themselves. And it is likely that other mental health problems, like depression, are more significant than the gender dysphoria, or are even causing the gender dysphoria in some ways, rather than that gender dysphoria is causing the other mental health problems that people experience. Please read this very important article written by autogynephilia and trans experts Bailey and Blanchard – Suicide or transition: The only options for gender dysphoric kids? Here is a quote from the article which summarizes their findings:
- Children (most commonly, adolescents) who threaten to commit suicide rarely do so, although they are more likely to kill themselves than children who do not threaten suicide.
- Mental health problems, including suicide, are associated with some forms of gender dysphoria. But suicide is rare even among gender dysphoric persons.
- There is no persuasive evidence that gender transition reduces gender dysphoric children’s likelihood of killing themselves.
- The idea that mental health problems–including suicidality–are caused by gender dysphoria rather than the other way around (i.e., mental health and personality issues cause a vulnerability to experience gender dysphoria) is currently popular and politically correct. It is, however, unproven and as likely to be false as true.
Also read this very important article by Walt Heyer which explains how people suffering from gender dysphoria often have other mental health problems which end up going untreated in favor of focusing on the gender dysphoria alone – 50 Years of Sex Changes, Mental Disorders, and Too Many Suicides.
Here are a last few miscellaneous tips for counselors or pastors. You can also read this post – Giving Pastoral Care to a Crossdresser or Person with Gender Dysphoria.
- Respond to the person with grace and love. Don’t add to their shame, isolation, or persecution.
- Don’t be afraid to speak the truth. Don’t coddle those experiencing gender dysphoria. Of course with someone who is suicidal you have to very gentle. But it is the truth that will set people free. If you indulge their faulty thinking or their gender confusion, they will not be helped. Be willing to speak the truth, but do so in love.
- Realize that gender dysphoria and autogynephilia are not consciously chosen by the men who experience these things. In a way they are victims, it’s not their fault. Yet at the same time, these things arise out of their sinful nature. And as Christians we do believe that desiring sin is wrong, and we need to repent not only of our sins, but of our evil desires to sin and not do what God wants. Be gentle, but help men to realize that if they are envying women, or longing to be women, or rejecting the body and identity God has given to them, they need to repent of this. They need to repent of cross-gender behavior, like crossdressing, but also of internal sinful longings. It’s possible someone may also need to repent of deceiving others through pretending to be a woman, or repent of making an idol out of gender fulfillment or gender identity.
- I would like to make an encouragement to churches as well. Be public and clear about your views on sex, gender, and trans issues. This is an act of love. It is loving both to the outsider who wants to know what you believe, and it is loving to those who are struggling, because it is only the truth that will set them free. Our culture is awash in gender confusion. The Church needs to be a clear light in the darkness. The temptations are great, but the Church’s clear stance on these issues can be a solid refuge and foundation for strugglers.
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